A meditation on love

Posted on February 27, 2010
Filed Under Breathing practices, identity, liminal space, Taoism, Taylor Ellwood | Leave a Comment

This morning I decided to meditate on love, and more specifically on a realization I had of a pattern of getting involved with people I showed interest in over the last couple of years who, in one form or another, didn’t fully return the interest. This includes people I would actually have a romantic relationship with. This pattern is a variant of a pattern I used to have where I’d only get involved with people I knew would reject me.

I did a Taoist dissolving technique and used the breath to lead me to the place where I felt the physical blockage, around my heart. I sat with the blockage, letting the breath go in and out, and around the blockage, gradually loosening up the feeling of tension in my body. As the tension dissipated, I let the emotions “talk” to me, show me really what the issue is. In this case, I saw myself restraining myself to fit into what I thought other people wanted. I could see this belt across my body. It fit uncomfortable and it was being used to constrain and restrain me.

I decided to undo the belt. I pulled it out of it’s clasp, and slipped it off. Immediately my body seemed to relax. And I heard,” It’s more important to be you than to try and fit yourself to other people’s expectations. Aren’t you tired of trying to be something you aren’t?

Good advice. I am tired of holding myself back…not letting myself be the passionate, intense person I can be. I’ve tried to stuff myself into a box, with my relationships, instead of being true with myself and recognizing when a relationship isn’t a good fit for me. And in the process I’ve hurt myself and the person I was trying to be a fit for.

I took the belt off and realized that I’m ready to be done with relationships where I’m trying to fit into what that person wants. I’d rather be myself and be appreciated for that, without having to constrain myself. And sure I’m willing to collaborate with someone, to figure out how we can be positive influences in each other’s lives, but I don’t want to be afraid that I’m too much or too intense for someone.

I kept breathing in and out, and gradually came back to this moment, this space, yet different. I don’t feel so tense…so constrained.

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