1-27-12 Since doing the ritual of dedication to Dragon I’ve been feeling very creative and have put in a lot of work on Magical Identity. Feels good to see the revisions coming together. I also got into an interesting discussion where a person noted that most times I’m open-hearted, warm, etc., but that occasionally I come across as contemptuous. She’s right. I do. I know it and I even know where it originates from. But seeing someone else recognize it helps me see the need to do some work on it. It’s not exactly how I want to come across to people and its not even how I feel, so much as its an automatic habit.
2-1-12 When I get overwhelmed by everything I need to do, it prompts a craving for an experience that allows me to quiet the mind through the culmination of sensation. It’s an interesting insight and one I realized through meditation. On a different note, my continued work with fire has hit a stage of quiet contemplation as I focus on just being present with fire and the shadows of fire. Fire can be about action and activity, but it can also simply be experienced, much like when you enjoy a fire in the fireplace or at a camp site.
2-6-12 Tracing a habit’s cycle can be a very useful experience. You start to track it into your past, and you discover what caused it to start, and why it continues to exist. I’ve also hit a creative state, which has been exhilarating to experience. Seeing writing coming together, seeing creative ideas flourishing is just beautiful. I feel like my creativity is truly back where it belongs. Now I need to feed the fire carefully, so I can sustain it, instead of having it burn out or fade away.
2-11-12 Creativity is sustained with focus, and with knowing how to back off and just let it breathe sometimes. I have a list and each day if I get a couple items done, then I’m happy, and I know my creativity is fed by getting just a couple of things done, instead of stressing about everything. No more frantic workaholicism, trying to get every thing done. The work will get done, but feeding my creativity is just as important. Feeding my fire involves recognizing how to sustain it instead of letting it burn out.
2-15-12 I see creativity applied to not just my writing, but all of my business activities, and even in my life in general. Since doing the ritual to Dragon, it’s like a switch was turned on. I’m brimming with confidence, happiness, and power. Everything appears to be in reach and I know it is, if I apply the right effort. More than that though, I feel freed from the period of non-creativity I was in for a while. I feel this sense of giddiness as I realize its still here. I’ve still got it. And the closer Magical Identity comes to being finished, the more I realize that it’s really true. I’m still a writer. One other thing. I promise to never let someone else’s fear dictate my life or choices. When you allow fear to control you that’s when you start dying.
2-16-12 I realized something yesterday. I don’t feel like my work has been relevant, for a little while now. Which makes sense. I just disappeared for a while. So publishing Magical Identity is re-staking my claim to relevance. It’s a big deal to me, even if it isn’t for anyone else, because it’s a reminder that I am relevant. I guess where this comes from is realizing that for a while I felt overshadowed, but its more than just that feeling. It’s reading these various blogs, and realizing that the conversation has passed me by as it were. And I can be perfectly comfortable admitting that, because the recognition of it doesn’t diminish me, so much as it indicates a weakness in marketing on my part. I’m changing that, and in a sense this year of fire is as much about that as it is about re-discovering my creativity. It’s about sparking that fire and keeping it lit. I won’t be overshadowed again, I won’t let my fire get snuffed out, by myself or anyone else.
2-17-12 No pantheacon this year. It’s kind of odd not being there, but I’m also glad I’m taking a year off. Magical Identity isn’t published yet, and just as importantly I’ve got other priorities that need to be attended to first and going to a convention where I have to pay my way to present every year is a low priority this time around.
2-22-12 Two years after I started writing Magical Identity, I’m working on the Layout. There’s a palpable feeling of triumph as I finish this book. It’s significant triumph, because it’s taken five years to get this book together and to know its finally coming to an end. This was the hardest book I’ve written yet and the ones I’m already planning to write are by comparison easier…not nearly so heady anyway. Its so appropriate that I finish this book in the year of the Dragon, MY year. My fire is surging, my creativity is back. I’m back. I’ve crossed the abyss, and come out the other side. I’ve won.