2-23-12 There are times I feel broken, times I realize how profoundly the abuse I experienced has affected me. I look back at a history of my life and I see patterns in different ways than I had before, and while I recognize that I’ve healed from a lot of it, I also see how much it still affects me.
I’ve been thinking lately as well of my early sexual encounters with women who were much older than me, and how naive I was, and how much I didn’t realize how those encounters affected my perspective on relationships, love, lust, and what would be considered acceptable. Until recently, I believed love was always conditional as a result of those early experiences. Now I realize it doesn’t have to be conditional, but that belief about love came about because of circumstances that shaped what I thought love and commitment was. Understanding that history has helped me look closely at my choices, both past and present, and with the present choices, make them from a place that’s less reactionary. That’s the whole point of doing internal work. It challenges you to explore and understand the underlying causes of your choices, so that you know why you are making, and can ideally make them from a place of health as opposed to dysfunction. It challenges you to take responsibility for your choices, instead of trying to blame everyone else for your problems.
2-29-12 When I meditate with fire each day, what strikes me is how people have created such a mythology around such a primal force of life. The various stories about how fire was discovered or given as a gift, the focus on the creative or destructive nature of fire. This raw, primal force has been made into so much by how people try to negotiate and understand it. I don’t think many people, even now, really look at fire as a wholly physical phenomenon, but even if they do, they still have to acknowledge its a force that can have an effect on our lives. A burning house is a prime example, as is a campfire that people huddle around to keep warm.
3-1-12 I’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic lately, prompted partially by listening to music I haven’t listened to in a long time that reminds me of later teenage years spent trying to find myself. The right sound, the right sight, and you can get taken to a different time, a different awareness, then as now. And suddenly you have two temporal experiences, and you reconcile the memory with the place you’re at now. My memories of my teenage years are bittersweet (but who’s isn’t?), mostly bitter, and yet listening to this music touches a place of naivety, of hope that’s not quite gone. There’s a sense of longing, and sadness, and experience as I listen to this song. There’s a sense of change, and the appreciation of that change. We are not static. We are changeable and the changes are for the best. The right experience will trigger a doorway to the past, to an intersection with a you from before and the you of now. Two moments merge into one and both variants influence each other. It’s fairly amazing when you allow yourself to fully open up and experience the merging of past memory with present experience, and sometimes even future dream.
3-5-12 Knowing when to take a break from actively being creative is important. I haven’t done much writing since I wrapped up Magical Identity. I’m glad I took the time off, because now I’m feeling primed again and looking forward to writing. The days of pushing myself to write are over. I’d rather honor my creative genius by giving it the time to recharge so I can write with focus and verve.
3-7-12 I’ve been reading about and considering the emotions of jealousy and compassion. I think jealousy gets a bad wrap, but that if you consider it in the right context, it can actually be a warning system of potential problems with the connection (or lack thereof) that you have with a person. Sometimes jealousy is overblown, but sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it indicates real problems that need to be addressed. If I were to map jealousy to an element, it would be fire, because of how it feels and the associations it has with other emotions like love. I’d also map compassion to fire, because of the feeling of warmth it can convey.Compassion is the comprehension of another person’s pain, and the ability to reach out to that person with genuine understanding. It’s a very giving emotion, whereas jealousy is a very protective emotion.
3-10-12 I look back at the first entry of this post and I find it ironic today because when you learn something about yourself that you hadn’t faced, it forces you to see patterns in your life in different ways than you’d acknowledged. Its good, even if its not pleasant to face. Maybe in a way that’s why its good. It forces you to see what you’ve kept hidden from yourself. It’s in facing yourself that you bring healing to yourself, but facing yourself means acknowledging not just how other people hurt you, but also acknowledging how you hurt other people and doing your best to learn from it and be a better person.
3-16-12 I’d never wish any of my past experiences of abuse on anyone, even my worst enemy. Experiences like that, where you are a victim, they make you protective of the people in your life, because you know you don’t want them to ever have such painful and disempowering experiences. At the same time, as you get to know people you realize on some level or another everyone is dysfunctional, carrying wounds with them that define their lives. I think its a shame, because when a wound defines your life you can’t move past it. It holds you back and keeps you in a restricted pattern that hurts you more than it does anything else. I’ve managed to let go of some of the wounds that previously defined me. I’ve learned my lessons from them, but I don’t hold onto them anymore. Some of them I’m still holding on to, figuring out how to let them go and how to redefine myself in the process. Again that’s part of internal work. It’s not an overnight cure-all. It’s doing the work so you can let go, heal yourself and move on.
3-22-12 – Magical Identity arrived today. It feels strange to realize that the journey to write this book is finally over. There’s nothing more to do beyond selling it and talking about it (very important activities). It’s created, birthed, realized, manifested. It exists…a part of my thoughts, ideas, life, etc., expressed into written form. I’m glad its published, and yet I find myself facing this curious feeling of “What next?” I actually know what’s next, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel this feeling. I feel it anytime I finish any project. It’ that realization of separation. This is no longer just mine. Now it’s something that belongs to whoever chooses to adopt it and use it. It belongs to all of you as much as it belongs to me.
The fire doesn’t burn out when somethings created, if you know how to cultivate it. It’s alive. I’m a live. And that next project is beckoning.