6-8-12 Usually by now I’ve written some entries in this kind of post, but this last month has been simultaneously busy and uninspiring. The experience of burn out, when the fire can’t stay lit and there’s no ready source of fuel to keep it burning. I don’t know if I’ve hit that, but there is a sense of tiredness lately. I guess that’s what happens when you revamp your businesses and your identity…you hit a point where you need to take a rest. Good thing I’m actually going to do that later this month. I have a habit of pushing myself hard…part of it is having so many ideas in my head, with thoughts continuing to just go, go, go, go. I want to catch up with myself, get all of those ideas on to paper or into reality. Part of it is filling up the time, filling up the space, doing something, anything…and as much as I’ve got the meditation schtick down, there’s still the reality that sometimes all I want to do is fill the emptiness up, escape from it…do something with it. Being creative allows me to do something, move in a direction, make something happen. Sometimes that’s all I’ve got.
6-15-12 I played golf for the first time ever Wednesday at a business event. Not something I’d imagine doing, not the least because in some ways it served to remind me of the awkwardness I have with social situations. I had fun with it, both the golfing and the interaction, but it took a while to get into it. I’m a very cerebral person, which can be good in terms of the projects I’m working on, but less so in social situations. I’ve always envied people who seem to mesh well with social situations. Any social skills I’ve learned have been ones I’ve had to observe many times over. Still that awkwardness hasn’t stopped me and I know if I’m invited to another golfing event, I’ll go because its an opportunity to connect with people. Besides pushing out from the comfort zone is the only way you grow.
In reflection about what I wrote about a week ago, I think what it really boils down to is an awareness that if you’ve been broken, no matter how much you heal there is still something of that broken part in you. My emptiness is that indicator of those past experiences. You can heal, try and find closure, move past them get over them…but still they are there. They don’t go away.
6-16-12 Nostalgia is an interest of mine. Playing a video game that I haven’t played in years has evoked memories of nostalgia, of my days in the ph.d program at Kent State. The right stimulus can bring the past into vivid color…much like telling a story around a fire. Atmosphere creates the story as much as the words do. A game can have a life associated with it, or at least moments of life that come back to represent where you’ve been and where you could go.
6-24-12 Amazing what a few days away from everything can do, in terms of breaking writer’s block and bringing clarity to the creative process. This month’s been about burnout…so lets see what next month brings.