6-28-12 The last weekend has been a whirlwind of activity with a dear friend ending up in the hospital and us possibly losing a cat, because he managed to get outside and and panicked. Yet through all of that I’ve been thinking about my tendency to be a hot head at times or maybe its better to word it as impulsive. I’ve tempered it some over the years, but there’s no denying that there is still and likely always will be some degree of impulsiveness in my choices and temperament. I don’t think this is really any different from any other person, but I think being more consciously aware of it allows me to see how such impulsiveness really sabotages my own interests and efforts. It’s something that doesn’t sit well with me, because I know that letting the moment define my actions is the exact opposite of what I want to do. I want to define the moment and doing that, in part, really involves reining that impulsiveness in.
6-30-12 The cat is back. I actually did an experiment where I invoked myself into him. I’ve done invocations into people before, but doing it into an animal is different. I directed him home and even showed him where to show up, outside our bedroom window. Late last night there he was calling for us to get him back in doors.
7-8-12 A couple of thoughts have been on my mind. The first has been on the impulsiveness. I don’t know if impulsiveness is associated with fire, but if it isn’t for most people, for the purposes of this moment, it is for me. When I look at impulsiveness in my life, I don’t just see it in regards to my temper, but in regards to a lot of other decisions. My relationship history springs to mind…moving 2/3rds of the way across the states comes to mind. Other things come to mind. And I don’t think impulsiveness is necessarily bad. It’s gotten me into some bad situations, but also gotten me into some good ones. But I don’t like hindsight telling me what I might’ve realized if I’d just put some distance between myself and some of the choices I’ve made. Looking back tells me a lot though, enough to temper that impulsiveness and to recognize it for what it is, in present situations.
The other thought is on being valued and it came up in relationship to impulsiveness specifically because in thinking about choices I’d made, one realization I gradually had was that the people in my life, the important people, family, lovers, friends…defining their importance involved realizing something significant. If someone is important to me, its because that person has chosen to make me just as important. If I’m not a priority in a person’s life or a low priority then chances are I’ll move on…it’s better than being low person on the totem pool consistently. Impulsiveness doesn’t lend itself to that realization, but stick around long enough or just pay close attention and you’ll realize if you’re important or not important. What a person says and how the person acts will speak loudly to where you fit in that person’s life. I say that with awareness that I’ve been the person on all sides of the equation when it comes to priority and value, which is a reason I’m more selective about people. If I’m going to let you in, then I’ve chosen to make you important, and if you let me in, you’ve done the same.
7-16-12 I’m in Canada right now, visiting in-laws and soaking in the area. I’ve also been reading more of Draja Mickaharic’s works. It fascinates me to read books that draw on a more traditional approach to magic, right down to the use of specific herbs and other components. I don’t doubt it works either, having done the occasional component laden spell back in the day. It’s just not something I’ve felt to be necessary, whereas in his writing, its clear he does. It makes me wonder how much the tool defines the practice, versus the magician.
In other news I’ve been thinking about this year long work with fire and how so much of it has been defined by the attributes associated with fire, as opposed to dealing directly with fire in and of itself. I think with work like this what you end up dealing with are two factors. One factor is the cultural associations with a given element, and the second factor is your own issues with the element. In my case, I’ve definitely encountered both factors in this work and at the same time realized that there is so much more to be worked with, when it comes to a given element. That’s why some of my work also focuses on fire as a physical force, especially observing it in action. There’s a lot you can learn from observing a physical elemental force at work that can help you move beyond the cultural and personal filters that may come up. In my case observing fire as it cooks a meal or as it destroys a piece of paper makes quite an impression in terms of the physical force of fire. It doesn’t so much destroy as it changes, though the change might be inimical to life. In anycase, its a recognition that there’s so much than what is usually focused on. Its easy to focus on associations and attributions, but what about looking at the physical changes?
7-19-12 Had a nightmare last night. I was attending a college for a degree and was living with three other people. The college I attended didn’t have a neopagan college group or many other people who practiced magic. The roommates were upset I practiced and I was dragged up before the school board to discuss the matter. It gets resolved because another person volunteers to let me live in his room. He doesn’t care about what I believe as I long as I respect his life style choices. A resolution of sorts, but it’s also a reminder of all the times I’ve had to deal with people who have decided to stick their noses into my life and try and dictate what I should believe or practice. Such people may claim they are trying to “save” me or something else along those lines, but in reality they are just doing it to deal with their own insecurities and what they don’t like is that I’ve chosen my path and they want to dissuade me from it. They might even feel that they are doing my audience a favor, all of you readers of the blog and my books, but really, they aren’t. I figure, in the end, it is the responsibility of all my readers to choose what they will or won’t apply from my writing. The writing, after all, is just my opinion and experiences. What you derive from it is your responsibility and your choice.
7-22-12 Coming back home is always an experience. Portland and really the state of Oregon is home for me. There is no other place I’ve ever felt so connected to, or so at rest in. Traveling in the state is different from traveling out of it. Even n the Far Eastern parts or Oregon I’ve felt just as at home as I do in PDX, whereas leaving the state always brings an awareness that I’ve left home. And when I come back, I feel the energy of this land reach up and take me back into its fold. It has claimed me as much as I have claimed it.
7-25-12 Re-connected with the college professor who taught the Burroughs class. It’s so rare for me to try and make a connection with the past that I’m actually rather pleased I have in this case. There is a difference found in connecting with someone after years have passed as well. You’ve both changed and consequently how you interact with each other changes as well. In other news I’ve been implementing some exercises from a book called Positive Intelligence. It’s been useful for examining and shorting out specific behaviors I’ve noted earlier in this entry. More on it next month.