11-25-13 On Sunday we discovered that our water has been reduced to a trickle. We got the landlord over and he tried to figure the issue out. Tomorrow we’ll have a plumber over to do a helium test, which will hopefully isolate where the leak is, but in all this I’m reminded of just how blessed I am to have water. Yes, this is an inconvenience, but compared to many people, it’s just that. Kat and I are adapting as needed to handle it and that adaptation encapsulates for me the need to be able to redirect movement, to adjust to the difficulties and pleasures of life as they come your way. There is no certainty, no guarantee and what makes someone able to survive and even live is really based on how they adapt to the difficulties facing them. Do they let those difficulties define them and get them all bent out of shape or do they do what they can, get the help they need, and then focus on what’s working. I’ve always been the latter kind of person. I might freak out for a moment and get upset, but I realize that indulging in those feelings is a waste of energy and effort that could be better applied to resolving the situation more effectively.
11-29-13 The other day, I got into an exchange with someone I consider to be a bit of a troll. This person consistently accuses other people of making fallacious arguments and then makes the same arguments. I think of this person as an Alpha Geek, the geek that always has to be right, always has to have the last word, and is always antagonistic because s/he has nothing better to do with his/her life. So I decided to set some boundaries, and let the troll know that if this person would continue to argue with me in the way s/he had previously done, I wouldn’t bother responding. Not surprisingly the response was a typical alpha geek response. How I feel about it, however, is that I did the right thing. I set my boundaries and stopped participating in what I consider to be a non-constructive exchange. Instead of allowing movement to continue in a direction that had no benefit for me, and lots of frustration, I chose to re-direct and whether the person moved with me or not didn’t really matter. At one time, I’d have gotten into a lot of drama with a person like that, but anymore I just don’t care. I have too much I want to do with my life to spend time debating with someone who feels that s/he needs to be right more than actually engaging in constructive dialogue.
And then there’s Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Kat and I had people over for dinner. I made the Turkey, while she made stuffing and green bean casserole. Making the Turkey is my favorite part and I’ve actually gotten pretty good at it. There’s a process of basting and applying a mixture to it so that the Turkey has a taste of herbs to it. Fun stuff that I love to do. But Thanksgiving also brings up some other memories. I actually ended up thinking about my step-mom and her kids, probably because of memories with the holidays and also because my half-brother has recently done a couple of questionable activities, which have gotten him in trouble. I feel some empathy for him, but I also feel some tough life needs to be applied, and I have a feeling neither him nor my half-sister really had much in the way of tough love applied to them. What I recall, from my childhood was that I was the scapegoat and my half-sister was the golden child who could do no wrong. And if she did something wrong, I ended up blamed for it. That never sat right with me, and I recall the last Christmas I spent with my dad and the step-mom and telling my half sister that Santa wasn’t real. I’ll admit I told her out of a bit of spite and she believed it. My step-mom was furious and yelled at me, grabbed me and and then grounded me. I realize now I told my half-sister that because I wanted to take something from her, from her mom too, because of how I’d been treated. I wanted them both to feel some of the pain they’d caused me. And I say that not because I feel guilty about it now (I don’t), but because I realize how much my interactions from those early years plays a role in the narrative of my life and my interactions with other people. My way of handling people in power has been to sneak around and sabotage them. I’ve done it in personal relationships, professional relationships, and everything in between. It’s passive aggressive (and I own that), but it was learned because I didn’t feel I could really speak or be me. I had to fit into a role and I didn’t like that role…and I see that replicated throughout my life and where I do feel bad about it has more to do with how it has affected people in my life more recently. Because the thing is, I’m not in that dynamic anymore and I didn’t have to be at any time in my adult life, and yet there it is…My baggage, my issues put me into that role, no one else. I own that and I also own the responsibility and power I have to change that. I don’t have to keep doing the same movement again and again and again…it’s my choice if I choose to do so.
11-30-2013 I painted tonight, closed myself off from everything and everyone and just painted. My paintings are highly personal. I share them, but they are for my spiritual work, and I’ve decided that I’ll never put them up for sale, partially because of that reason and partially because I’d suspect that if anyone did my buy my paintings they’d do so more because I’d painted them than for the aesthetic quality of the paintings. I’ve actually mulled having my paintings destroyed when I die for those reasons. Not sure if I will or won’t, but I lean more toward having them destroyed in the event of my death.
12-4-13 I did a talk on networking at one of the chambers I’m a member of. As I got ready to do the talk, I felt myself get restless. It used to be that I got nervous, but now its restless, eager, anticipatory, wanting to move, ready to move, ready to share. When I came up to speak, I felt myself come alive. Truth is I love professional speaking, because it can be quite a rush to share a message, to fully get into the moment and become a conduit for what you are sharing. Afterwards you realize it’s time to ground, go back into yourself, but while you are speaking, it’s something else…
Some days its hard to exercise. I think of exercise as a redirection of movement, because I’m re-directing myself to exercise instead of continuing to work or be a couch potato. There are days when exercise seems easy to do and days where all that keeps me doing it is my commitment to my health. On those days, the need to redirect my thoughts and movement are the strongest because all I really want to do is not exercise, yet I know that exercising will make me feel better in the long run, and even in the short run. It’s that awareness which keeps me going, keeps me exercising, keeps me realizing that the way to being healthier isn’t to give into what’s easiest, but to focus on what’s most important.
12-8-13 Yesterday I hit a wall. Actually I’d been hitting that wall the last few days, but yesterday was when I acknowledged it. I didn’t feel inspired to write and in fact was at a loss as to what to write. When I feel that way, it hits hard because for me, writing is my medium of expression. So I started to do some layout work, while watching an episode of Star Trek Voyager and in the episode one of the characters was told to take a break and I stopped and I realized I needed to take a break from the computer, from writing, editing and layout and do something else, so I went to my bedroom and curled up with some books and my PS Vita and alternated between playing video games and reading. And it really did something for my mood because part way through reading I got an idea for an article I’m going to write. I still didn’t write, because I realized I needed to give myself permission to just take a break and do something that wasn’t focused on trying to generate an idea to write about.
Today, when I did my meditations, I went in deep. I felt/saw/experienced the various forms of movement in my life, becoming those movements, allowing myself to be those movements. There’s no other way to really explain it, but it was a profound experience of movement as an element.
12-13-13 Sometimes in order to re-direct a movement you need to actually experience the movement in full to understand how it works and how it affects your life. Then, with that understand, you can make changes to the movement and re-direct it into a direction that is more beneficial to you. It might seem odd to actually go through a movement without changing it, but I don’t think change can effectively occur without understanding the original movement.
12-17-13 I hung up the two paintings I recently created. One is hung on the wall over the bed, and the other is hung on the ceiling over the bed. One is used to invoke the sphere of art, which functions similar to a tesseract space/time magical working, and the other is used to interface directly with the cross roads, as a space/time junction of sorts. Both paintings function together and are an essential part of my continued space/time work. What fascinates me is how you can bind a given magical operation to a symbol or tool, like a painting, and then call it forth when you need it, instantly performed. I build a lot my magical tools that way, as I find it useful to have certain operations automated, but it’s not something I see with most other people’s works. I feel that if you can capture the essence of a practice and embody it into an object, it should effectively be something you can use to call forth that actual working.
12-18-13 Every movement a person makes is chosen. It can be an unconscious or conscious choice, but it is always chosen by him/her as part of his/her life and intention. Something to contemplate further, as I consider my own movements and how I’ve chosen them both consciously and unconsciously. I realized today that my choices, when it came to significant partners in my life, has been modeled of one degree or another by my interactions with my step-mom. How Freudian, right? But nonetheless certain patterns of strictness and behavior display themselves in different ways with the people I’ve gotten involved and I recognize that in some way I’ve been trying to resolve that relationship, to find closure to what happened to me early on, and it has played out in the various relationships I’ve been in. Makes me look at those relationships with different eyes, different awareness of myself and my movements, and how I will move as I continue on in this journey of life.
Some further awareness on this topic after considering what I meditated on. With just about every person of authority in my life, I have always, on some level, resented their authority and done my best to subvert it, and do what I wanted. It’s not the most mature way to handle such issues, in large part because I presume the person has authority, instead of actually developing a relationship of equals. And while its true as a child that my step mom had authority over me, it certainly needn’t apply to my life now, and yet I can safely say I have applied it to my relationships and that as a result I have sabotaged those relationships. I have not stepped up to be the man I could be, or the person I could be in my relationships (and yes I think there is a distinction between the two). And while my respective exes share some burden of the responsibility for the relationship, so do I, and while I’ve claimed that responsibility, I’ve never claimed it in this way, because I’ve never really understood that aspect of myself which responds to authority in quite the way that my work with movement has revealed it to me. I feel like I’ve had a critical moment of awareness occur, which has helped me better understand so many of my choices, not just in terms of behavior, but life choices as well. With such understanding comes change, and fortunately I’ve already been in a process of change that has shifted my approach to relationships from one where I’ve sought authority, to one where I seek a relationship of equals.
12-22-13 For the yule version of the magical experiments community meeting I presented on the elemental balancing work and on my work with movement. It was interesting to watch people react to the recognition that committing to the kind of work will change your life. A couple of people acknowledged that they felt uncomfortable with the level of commitment involved and with how it could change their lives. I get that, and yet I feel it important to really call out just how intense this kind of work can be. You do this kind of work and it does change you. It changes your relationships, it changes your sense of self. It calls on you to get serious and own your shit instead of continuing to act it out. If you’re not experiencing changes as a result of doing this kind of work, you’re not doing it right. This work is intentional and it calls on you to be intentional about your life. And it’s not an easy process. If you were to meet the person who first started doing this work nine years ago, you’d have met a very chaotic individual. Over the last nine years, a lot of the rough edges have been worked out, but as with anything there is a cost. And while I don’t think all of my life changes in the last 9 years are due solely to the elemental balancing work, I do think it’s played a significant role in those changes.
So I noted their reactions and told them that the work could be hard, but also rewarding. At the same time, it’s a calling of sorts. You don’t do this kind of work on a whim….you do it because you accept the need to change your life and change how you live it. I’d do it all again, because that work, as hard as it has been, has also been liberating. So much of the dross has fallen away and I feel that my life has become much more stable overall, and that I’ve also focused more on my callings in life because the distractions have been cleared away.
12-23-13 Kat and I got new phones today. We’d gotten fed up with AT&T, which has poor service for where we live. And why do I mention this seemingly mundane detail? This month is about re-direction and it seems fitting to include that as part of the month. Beyond that, we visited the Chinese Gardens, which allowed me to rewrite a memory as well as experience Kat’s first visit to the garden. The Chinese Gardens are a magical place. It feels like you look through different windows and see different realities. I feel that as I continue this working, I’m moving into a different reality as ell. Where I’ll end up, I don’t know, but the destination is perhaps the journey itself as opposed to any specific place.