2-23-17 What stillness teaches me in the moment is how to recognize when I’m putting myself in a situation where I need to take a moment and ask myself if the course of action I’m engaging in is the best choice. It’s also helping me step back and recognize feelings of irritation and frustration I feel in everyday situations such as driving. I hadn’t realized how often I’ve felt those feelings until I started practicing my stillness work in everyday situations, but recognizing those feelings also helps me realize I need to be consciously aware of how those feelings show up, so I can work through them, instead of reacting to them. I would rather be consciously aware of them and be able to sit with them, than just react because I’m feeling them.
3-3-17 I was reading the Gifts of Imperfection while vending at NEWTS. She brought up some really important perspectives that helped me understand some of my issues around positive emotion. She discussed the importance of a gratitude practice…and I’m going to start doing that everyday because I see some real value in taking a moment to state what you’re grateful for. And as the author points out, it can enhance the joy in your life. She also makes a distinction between joy and happiness, noting that happiness is situational, while joy comes from a deeper place, but also how vulnerable a person can feel with joy, because it can also bring up a fear of loss. I realize that’s what has stopped me from sometimes stepping into my joy more fully, that fear of loss…you can feel so vulnerable that you try to find some way to shut down that feeling.
That’s been me sometimes…and realizing that’s why is helping me approach my positive experiences and feelings from a different place, one where I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable and work through whatever fears arise so I can step into the moment and let it be what it can be.
3-6-17 I’ve been paying closer attention to who I am and what I’m feeling. I guess what that really means is that instead of putting on masks for myself, I’m taking them off, so I can really be present in the moment. I may still put on a mask for someone else, but the days of not paying attention to what’s going on internally are over. Stillness has given me that gift.
3-8-17 I was feeling some anxiety today around the work I’m doing. It seems like every time I’m close to finishing it up, I discover another layer that needs to be factored in. And then I worry…will this even work? I can choose to listen to those fears, express them and/or use them to motivate me. I can also be still with them and get to the real heart of the matter, which is about worthiness. I’m choosing to do some of those actions today and reminding myself that it’s my first time doing this work and that I’m not just doing it, but learning how I can do it better the next time I do it. So be patient and dedicated and iterate.
3-9-17 Yesterday I was telling Kat that I want to help people through my content. I want people to get value out of what I create as opposed to having people try and get value out of me. when I used to have much worse boundaries than I have now, I wouldn’t always recognize when people were coming into my orbit with ulterior motives. I’ve gotten better at paying attention to the details, and also recognizing that what I want to give people is the gift of my experiences and knowledge, but also have the right boundaries in place for myself.
3-15-17 When you can talk with someone about what is uncomfortable, and settle into the conversation, it brings with it, its own form of stillness. I’ve only recently discovered how to be comfortable talking about uncomfortable subjects, with someone. Seems odd that its taken me so long, but given how guarded I’ve been my entire life, maybe not so much. Relaxing into the stillness of the moment is what liberates you to discuss what needs to be talked about.
3-21-17 This month has really been about details. What stillness is teaching me about details is how to be present with them, without letting them get to me. I look at all this work I’m doing right now for my businesses and my life and there’s this feeling of readiness…The details are getting attended to so that I can make that move out of stillness into wherever I need to go. And this makes me glad I devoted a 3rd year to Stillness. I needed to get to this place with Stillness (and a bit further) in order to go to the next step of my spiritual journey and life. That’s the value of Stillness. It helps you stop long enough to figure out where you need to go instead of continuing to react. You break out of the patterns and start developing your own.