Elemental Emptiness Month 10: Love and Longing

Posted on August 17, 2009
Filed Under elemental work, emptiness, mystical journeys, Taylor Ellwood | 22 Comments

7-18-09 I got a comment on my last entry on emptiness from a reader, who is a christian, who said I should turn to the christian god to fill up my emptiness. I wonder if she really read the entry, or for that matter read any of the others or just decided on the spot that prescribing her religious beliefs would somehow make everything all right. It reminds me of the various times my mom has tried to convert me to her belief system, without really trying to understand my choices. Eventually she stopped and listened, but occasionally I still catch her trying to be an evangelical with me, instead of simply treating me like a person. It highlights my own issues with gods of any kind and any religion, and is one reason I favor the Buddhist conception of gods, at this point in my spiritual journey.

Before I go into my commentary on that I do acknowledge that I have readers who have perfectly functional and happy relationships with the deity or deities of their choice. If you find yourself reacting to this commentary, I ask that you stop, take a breath, and then respond, with the realization that what I’m really presenting is my interpretation of relationships with deity AS IT APPLIES TO ME.

Truth to tell that comment embodies a feeling of objectification (and emptiness) via religion, in my mind. The belief that some exterior force can somehow solve all my problems or even just the feeling of emptiness is a belief I’ve not found to be true. In the end, the emptiness has still been there, and no god bandaid is going to fix it or make it go away. If anything, I tend to agree with the Buddhist concept of the Gods as powerful beings, who nonetheless are trapped in their very attachment to their own power. Certainly, looking at various mythologies, what most stands out to me is just how human the various deities are in terms of their emotions and actions. And how often those emotions and actions seem to entrap them.

I think deities have their place, but I don’t feel the need to be ‘saved’ by any of them. If anyone is going to save me, it’ll be me, as in the end, I am responsible for myself.

7-19-09 There are times when I feel very distant from my wife. I feel like I don’t get her, that I don’t know her…and I wonder then how she ended up with me, how this relationship even still exists, and whether I will ever “get” her. And then I read Epstein who discusses his own awareness of the distance between himself and his wife, and I read an online friend’s feelings of emptiness and unhappiness with her relationships, and wondering if she’ll ever find someone who “gets” her, and I realize this feeling is far more common than just the insides of my own head. It’s likely a feeling that everyone experiences at some point or another. I also recognize that even if S wasn’t in the picture I’d still feel this way sometimes (and have in the past). Her relationship with him highlights some of the feelings I have, but they’d be there regardless. For what I’m really dealing with is the feeling of emptiness that I feel when I recognize the distance between this person and I.

Lupa tells me that it’s my expectations about connection that makes me feel this way, and Epstein would seem to agree, in discussing his own awareness of the emptiness and distance he felt with his wife. And I can see it as well with other people, because there’s a cultural belief in finding “the one”, as if there is some person out there that can complete you or fill you up, similar to what I mentioned about gods above. Yet, I can’t say for myself that it’s really about having someone fill a hole, so much as being with someone I feel I can relate to…which doesn’t take away from the fact that there could be some projections/expectations, etc involved. What I’m really aware of however is that whatever sense of emptiness I feel about this ultimately is my own. And when I stop trying so hard to bridge that distance that I perceive, it actually can become less, because I’m no longer allowing it to control me. I can appreciate the moments of connection I do have, instead of trying to find some idealized connection.

7-20-09 In further discussion with Lupa, I was able to voice something I’ve felt, but not spoken of before, which was feeling a deep feeling of unworthiness for this person, and realizing that the basis for that feeling originates from so much of my early familial interactions, where I was treated as being unworthy of whatever I got. Recognizing that and voicing it was liberating.

7-25-09 As I’ve been working with the element of emptiness, I’ve been able to identify situations that bring it out more and in those situations, work with the feeling proactively. Feels pretty good when I can take that kind of control over what I’m feeling. I’m not stopping the feeling or repressing it, but I am finding healthier ways to express it and let it go.

7-26-09 There was a point tonight where I realized with vivid clarity something about a situation in my life, which allowed me to see that situation in a completely different light and realize that continuing to put energy toward it was needlessly wasting my energy and mental and emotional health on something which didn’t matter. But until you have those realizations, you do put energy toward whatever bothers you about a situation. I’ve done it, other people have done it, and it will happen again and again. But you challenge the patterns that inform that direction, the history, and you can begin to change the pattern to something different. That’s how I feel as I’ve continued working with my emptiness. I’ve challenged and changed the patterns, instead of continuing to act in the same old ways I used to.

7-27-09 Been mulling over the last nine and a half months of this emptiness working. It’s an interesting experiment for me, as much as it’s a chance to continue refining who I am. The conscious choice to shape my identity, and also to sit with my emptiness. The last couple couple of days has given me ample food for thought about my family and how they’ve influenced my life, up to and including my emptiness, but also how much of that can be changed by being able to recognize the influences…and also my own role in sustaining and passing on those influences.

7-30-09 Yesterday, I felt really empty inside at one point. I looked at everyone around me and I felt like they all had something I didn’t have. I know that’s an illusion, because I’m sure at least some of them feel empty as well. After sitting with the emptiness for a while, I stopped dwelling on it and focused on interacting with the people. Later that night, Lupa and I had a long talk about our relationship, and about the distance we sometimes feel towards each other. It was a rough conversation at times, but it was a good one, because we put it all out on the table. Afterwords, I felt closer to her, because I felt like we’d acknowledged something about each other. And thinking about it further, I have to admit that sometimes the distance I might feel is perceived distance, which doesn’t make it less real, but does mean some of it’s in my attitude/approach to the relationship. But I’d rather admit there’s distance and know I need to talk about it, than bottle it up and not resolve anything.

8-04-09 Spending time with a partner shows you what their good and bad aspects are, as well as your own. For me the last weekend was tough because it was hot out and both Lupa and I were irritable with each other. Even so, every time after I felt that irritability, I also felt recognition of the bond that connects us. I have been doing some thinking, though, about what I’m looking for in another partner. I no longer feel that I’m trying to fill up or cover up my emptiness with relationships. I know, realistically that’ll never happen. But when I still feel desire to have a companion, I can now be more honest about that desire with myself, and others. I know what I’m looking for in a partner and why that’s important to me, and I’ve decided that it’s time to put some magic into the process. It’s always worked before, and I’m ready to handle whoever manifests in my life, because I no longer am trying to fill up my emptiness with someone.

8-06-09 Had a nightmare this morning where I ended up alone and could not find my way home, because every road lead south and my home was to the north. I woke up, feeling alone, scared, wanting to reach out and touch my partner, but also not wanting to wake her up. Later today Lupa offered to do a soul retrieval for me, noting that when people feel emptiness, it could indicate that they have lost part of their soul. While I agreed to let her do so, I did point out that a lot of the stigmatization toward emptiness focuses on trying to fill it up, as if it should not exist, instead of trying to simply acknowledge and accept it. As much as I have struggled with emptiness, and I have, and still do, that lesson of acceptance has repeatedly been what has helped me come to moments of peace with it, moments which are slowly growing, as I learn to struggle less. I think emptiness is part of the human condition, something we all experience, even if not all of us will admit it. It is easier, on the surface, to just fill it up with activities, consumer goods, sex, lovers, friends, etc. But to feel it…to really feel it is some times the most exquisite experience I have felt. And other times the most painful.

8-09-09 This month has been interesting to observe for I’ve seen it essentially as a month which has really forced me to focus my awareness of emptiness on my relationship with Lupa. I don’t think this is a bad thing, if anything it’s been quite an enlightening experience. It’s fair to say that I’ve come to feel a better sense of appreciation for her presence or are relationship despite, and perhaps because of some of the adversity we’ve been dealing with. It has been helped by coming to closure about how I feel about other relationships that impact our relationship, and recognizing from those other relationships where I’ve been and also where I no longer am. Getting clear on my feelings, in concern to those relationships has taken a long time, and a lot of thinking, consideration, and feeling. I feel like I’m starting to arrive, which probably doesn’t make sense to most reading this, but makes perfect sense to me…I’ve been in the zero of emptiness for just about ten months, gestating…I’m just about due.

7-10-09 One of my favorite anime series is Rah Xephon and part of what I like about it is the music. All of it is very evocative music. Some of the music is very sad in its sound. When I listen to this music, I listen to it at times when I feel melancholic…and find release in what I hear. The same has been true of a lot of the music I’ve listened to with emptiness. I’m evoking emptiness through that music and coming to a place of emotional closure.

7-11-09 While I was visiting an acupuncturist I’m doing a business trade with, I did my daily meditation and ended up meditating about a conversation that focused on sex magic and the traditional role vs the contemporary role of the woman in sex magic. What I realized was just how idealized the role of the woman in sex magic is, regardless of whether it’s traditional or non-traditional. There’s this kind of approach, for male magicians, and I include myself in that, where the female is idealized, but also objectified by the idealization…and for me realizing how much of that idealization has really been a desire to somehow feel completed by this person, as if everything would become perfect through the union of opposites. Maybe it would for a second, or maybe it’s just a delusion fed to the self as a way of trying to strive for something. But whatever is attained, still more is wanted, because there is no sense of satisfaction…that’s my conclusion about the idealization of women in sex magic, but also in some senses just another layer of recognition, another set of scales falling off the eyes (though this particular set had already mostly fallen off).

7-14-09 I find guilt to be  mostly self-indulgent feeling. I know some readers will recoil when they see that, for isn’t guilt supposed to show that you feel bad for whatever it was you did? And I suppose it shows you feel bad, but if guilt only does that, it seems to mainly be a way of flagellating the self, for the self’s benefit and perhaps to show others that yes I recognize I did or didn’t do something. At the same time, while guilt puts on a good show of displaying how bad someone feels, unless action is taken, it’s ultimately superficial. You can feel bad for not doing what you could do, but if you choose not to change it, all that feeling bad really does is give you an excuse to say, “See I know I’m bad.” Great, you know that…and?

Different people, in the past, have argued that displaying and feeling guilt is good…that it shows that the person is aware of what s/he did…but guilt without action is merely a reaction and self-indulgence for getting caught in the act. It is only when you decide to take a course of action to change the behavior that caused you to feel guilty that you can then say guilt has served a purpose…motivating you to be better because you don’t want to hurt someone the way you did before. I say that with the weight of experience, for this emptiness working, and the other workings of the past few years have all been motivated by a desire to change from who I didn’t want to be, to someone I could like and respect…and someone who would do his best not to hurt the people he cared about. I think I’m much closer to the latter person than the former, which is something I couldn’t have said even a year ago, but all of this work is tempering me, and the dross which falls away is left behind, not really needed anymore.

In thinking about the emptiness working, I’ve realized that I haven’t actively worked with the entities I associated with it for quite a while. At some point, I realized I couldn’t continue to hold on to their hands…I had to let go and fall, and hit bottom. Xah is still a distant background presence, but the emperor is gone…he served his purpose and left, on to others to teach what they could learn. But Xah is both near and far…he doesn’t need to be directly involved, but at the same time, he keeps a watchful eye on me. Given that he is me, I shouldn’t be surprised…but all the same I do feel alone in this working at this point, and I’m rather content with that. The last few months has also seen my magical practice not so much fall to the side as take a backseat to my business. My business is where my manifesting energy is going…and while magic is still important, I also feel it fits the emptiness working. Everything that previously had meaning in my life has in some form or another gone away, become empty, because you can’t really experience empty you’ve given away what had meaning to you. I know, I’m busy with my business, which must have some meaning to me…and it does, I won’t deny that, but my business, the actual business really came into existence during my emptiness ritual…I see it, ironically, as a manifestation of meaning that brings me the greatest level of comfort I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t find that comfort in the arms of others, or in the usual distractions I provided myself. I could only find it in exercising my skills and talents, while also substantially changing the superficial layers of myself to reach into the depths and pull out the meaning I really needed to see…in myself and in what I can meaningfully offer to others.

7-17-09 Seems kind of appropriate that this entry ends on the first day my wife is gone on her first of two trips. This month has felt like the emptiness perspective on my relationship with her. It’s been a hard month for me, and her, for various reasons. Yet at the end, I can’t help but note that I do miss her and her presence. My house is empty right now. There’s something missing, something essential to the equation of this home. I know it will come back, but I also know it is not there. It’s a good reminder that no matter what tribulations you experience with someone, what you miss when that someone is not around speaks louder than any of those tribulations.

Comments

22 comments
Lupa
Lupa

*hugs* Love you. And very glad to still be here on this journey with you, even with the distance we sometimes deal with. This, too, shall pass.

Lupa
Lupa

*hugs* Love you. And very glad to still be here on this journey with you, even with the distance we sometimes deal with. This, too, shall pass.

AarTiana
AarTiana

I thought I left a comment on this, but maybe it was on your LJ on another post? I think Deb and Helen are on the right path - Emptiness, on a spiritual level anyway, never really exists. It is another name for what I would term The Cosmic Soup which is the amazing wonderful latent potential that with our thoughts and actions, awaits shaping on the material plane so that it is manifested. I remember when I did art modeling one of the lessons taught to the art students - don't trace the figure, instead, attempt to trace the spaces around the figure. Rather than focusing on the manifest, they were focusing on the potential - and truly, it is the same thing, the same stuff. One, we can see it, and one we can't, but that is only with mundane vision. If we saw with spiritual eyes, we would see both. Another example - is our cup half-empty or half-full? It is TOTALLY full, half is manifested, and half is potential. As painful as the destructive (death) process is, I know this is the force necessary to allow the manifest to go back to the Cosmic Soup, so we can do it all again! Instead of thinking we need to "fill" the emptiness, I see it more like putting thought and intention with love and action into creating manifestation of the potential that I am literally swimming in. And this, to me, is true magical power! So, what do you want to create? The Cosmic Soup is what makes it possible, and I am so thankful for it (besides, if everything was manifest and never went back to that potential form, that would be kind of creepy, huh?) ;-)

AarTiana
AarTiana

I thought I left a comment on this, but maybe it was on your LJ on another post? I think Deb and Helen are on the right path - Emptiness, on a spiritual level anyway, never really exists. It is another name for what I would term The Cosmic Soup which is the amazing wonderful latent potential that with our thoughts and actions, awaits shaping on the material plane so that it is manifested. I remember when I did art modeling one of the lessons taught to the art students - don't trace the figure, instead, attempt to trace the spaces around the figure. Rather than focusing on the manifest, they were focusing on the potential - and truly, it is the same thing, the same stuff. One, we can see it, and one we can't, but that is only with mundane vision. If we saw with spiritual eyes, we would see both. Another example - is our cup half-empty or half-full? It is TOTALLY full, half is manifested, and half is potential. As painful as the destructive (death) process is, I know this is the force necessary to allow the manifest to go back to the Cosmic Soup, so we can do it all again! Instead of thinking we need to "fill" the emptiness, I see it more like putting thought and intention with love and action into creating manifestation of the potential that I am literally swimming in. And this, to me, is true magical power! So, what do you want to create? The Cosmic Soup is what makes it possible, and I am so thankful for it (besides, if everything was manifest and never went back to that potential form, that would be kind of creepy, huh?) ;-)

Moonvoice / Ravenari
Moonvoice / Ravenari

Re: soul retrieval and people doing it to fill up emptiness; it's a flawed reason for doing it. Soul retrieval doesn't fill up the natural emptiness inside every person; in fact it can even bring back feelings of emptiness that a person couldn't bear during a great loss (which is why - I feel - there are a lot of people who experience soul loss after losing a significant loved one; like a spouse or child). The consequences of soul retrieval - depending on who or what is being brought back to the body - can be vast and emotionally overwhelming. While some people are lucky enough to 'feel whole again,' others still need to do months or hard work to process whatever feelings they thrust from their body in the first place.

My metaphor, which is crude, is that the soul is a vase. Within that vase is a great potential, but also a great emptiness. We try filling it with things, things ultimately that emptiness is just there. The soul fragments, and pieces of the vase break off, are lost, or are cracked within the structure. So a soul retrieval does nothing to that core emptiness, but brings back another piece of the vase to 'contain' it, to draw our attentions to it, to remind us that even when we're whole; the emptiness remains.

Might just be another way to consider the concept of soul retrieval, if in the past you haven't liked the idea of just using another healing modality to 'fill yourself.'

*

I personally feel - and have felt for years - that guilt is a selfish emotion. Which can sound strange, because it's often concerned on the surface with other people. But deep down it cripples the person who bears it, is generally not a motivator, is disempowering, and tends to stop people from taking risks and communicating more freely; because it risks even more guilt every time you do something 'wrong.'

Guilt in my relationship with my partner has been one of the biggest hindrances and cripples, and it's taken a long long time to let go of as much of it as I can (I still have a lot), and same for my partner. And it's only been since then that we've been able to communicate more clearly. I may feel grief or sadness on behalf of my partner, I may even be aware that I've done something wrong, but as soon as I say 'I made a mistake, I'm sorry, how can I help?' I try and ditch the guilt. The guilt will only make me too scared to own my mistake and keep trying to improve.

Well... this is how I see it anyway :)

Moonvoice / Ravenari
Moonvoice / Ravenari

Re: soul retrieval and people doing it to fill up emptiness; it's a flawed reason for doing it. Soul retrieval doesn't fill up the natural emptiness inside every person; in fact it can even bring back feelings of emptiness that a person couldn't bear during a great loss (which is why - I feel - there are a lot of people who experience soul loss after losing a significant loved one; like a spouse or child). The consequences of soul retrieval - depending on who or what is being brought back to the body - can be vast and emotionally overwhelming. While some people are lucky enough to 'feel whole again,' others still need to do months or hard work to process whatever feelings they thrust from their body in the first place.

My metaphor, which is crude, is that the soul is a vase. Within that vase is a great potential, but also a great emptiness. We try filling it with things, things ultimately that emptiness is just there. The soul fragments, and pieces of the vase break off, are lost, or are cracked within the structure. So a soul retrieval does nothing to that core emptiness, but brings back another piece of the vase to 'contain' it, to draw our attentions to it, to remind us that even when we're whole; the emptiness remains.

Might just be another way to consider the concept of soul retrieval, if in the past you haven't liked the idea of just using another healing modality to 'fill yourself.'

*

I personally feel - and have felt for years - that guilt is a selfish emotion. Which can sound strange, because it's often concerned on the surface with other people. But deep down it cripples the person who bears it, is generally not a motivator, is disempowering, and tends to stop people from taking risks and communicating more freely; because it risks even more guilt every time you do something 'wrong.'

Guilt in my relationship with my partner has been one of the biggest hindrances and cripples, and it's taken a long long time to let go of as much of it as I can (I still have a lot), and same for my partner. And it's only been since then that we've been able to communicate more clearly. I may feel grief or sadness on behalf of my partner, I may even be aware that I've done something wrong, but as soon as I say 'I made a mistake, I'm sorry, how can I help?' I try and ditch the guilt. The guilt will only make me too scared to own my mistake and keep trying to improve.

Well... this is how I see it anyway :)

Deb
Deb

I read this today and thought it may be perfect for you and your Lupa:

You and I come forth as possibilities of essential nature, alone and independent as stars yet reflecting and being reflected by all things. My life and yours are the unfolding realizations of total aloneness and total intimacy. -- Robert Aitken

Deb
Deb

I read this today and thought it may be perfect for you and your Lupa:

You and I come forth as possibilities of essential nature, alone and independent as stars yet reflecting and being reflected by all things. My life and yours are the unfolding realizations of total aloneness and total intimacy. -- Robert Aitken

Helen
Helen

"I know, I’m busy with my business, which must have some meaning to me…and it does, I won’t deny that, but my business, the actual business really came into existence during my emptiness ritual…I see it, ironically, as a manifestation of meaning that brings me the greatest level of comfort I’ve ever felt."

This sums it up pretty well. People trying to "fill up" the emptiness is not useful, because it's not really empty at all. From that emptiness comes all creation. Instead of consumers, we become Creators.

Helen
Helen

"I know, I’m busy with my business, which must have some meaning to me…and it does, I won’t deny that, but my business, the actual business really came into existence during my emptiness ritual…I see it, ironically, as a manifestation of meaning that brings me the greatest level of comfort I’ve ever felt."

This sums it up pretty well. People trying to "fill up" the emptiness is not useful, because it's not really empty at all. From that emptiness comes all creation. Instead of consumers, we become Creators.

Janet
Janet

I found your insights on guilt to be really spot on - I'd said something similar to someone recently who said, "I feel really guilty about things I did to hurt you" but who had not otherwise done anything about it.

And I find that feeling guilty gains me nothing, other than a lot of grief. It often seems that guilt, for me, is the mind's way of saying that I'm not living up to someone else's arbitrary ideal of how I should be, which frequently conflicts with my own views of myself and who I want to be. Either their view of things is correct, and I should make changes and make amends to resolve the guilt, or the whole concept of their view is flawed, and I should figure out why I believed them in the first place and fix the idea that I have to be what someone else wants me to be.

Janet
Janet

I found your insights on guilt to be really spot on - I'd said something similar to someone recently who said, "I feel really guilty about things I did to hurt you" but who had not otherwise done anything about it.

And I find that feeling guilty gains me nothing, other than a lot of grief. It often seems that guilt, for me, is the mind's way of saying that I'm not living up to someone else's arbitrary ideal of how I should be, which frequently conflicts with my own views of myself and who I want to be. Either their view of things is correct, and I should make changes and make amends to resolve the guilt, or the whole concept of their view is flawed, and I should figure out why I believed them in the first place and fix the idea that I have to be what someone else wants me to be.

Deb
Deb

I like what you wrote about emptiness. I don't think it's something to be feared or avoided either. Too often we try to fill up a space, instead of relaxing into it, letting it simply be. We don't need to try to fill all of our spaces, because, ultimately, we are everything and nothing. There's nothing to fill.

And, I've had a lot of Diet Coke so if that makes no sense, feel free to tell me.

Deb
Deb

I like what you wrote about emptiness. I don't think it's something to be feared or avoided either. Too often we try to fill up a space, instead of relaxing into it, letting it simply be. We don't need to try to fill all of our spaces, because, ultimately, we are everything and nothing. There's nothing to fill.

And, I've had a lot of Diet Coke so if that makes no sense, feel free to tell me.

TaylorE
TaylorE

I like your take on soul retrieval...I guess how I feel about it is that basically I've already got the vase and if anything I'm learning to except that inner emptiness and appreciate the potential contained in the vase.

And I completely agree with your take on guilt.

TaylorE
TaylorE

I like your take on soul retrieval...I guess how I feel about it is that basically I've already got the vase and if anything I'm learning to except that inner emptiness and appreciate the potential contained in the vase.

And I completely agree with your take on guilt.

TaylorE
TaylorE

Thanks for the quote. I like it.

TaylorE
TaylorE

Thanks for the quote. I like it.

TaylorE
TaylorE

yes...but until you stop running away and actually experience emptiness, you miss out on the creation by being a consumer.

TaylorE
TaylorE

yes...but until you stop running away and actually experience emptiness, you miss out on the creation by being a consumer.

TaylorE
TaylorE

Emptiness is a part of our lives, yet its an experience many people try to avoid. Having gotten more into it, I feel more comfortable with myself and the possibilities in my life.

TaylorE
TaylorE

Emptiness is a part of our lives, yet its an experience many people try to avoid. Having gotten more into it, I feel more comfortable with myself and the possibilities in my life.