8-11-12 I haven’t written in this post for half a month, not because things weren’t happening but because life has been so busy. Part of it’s been the catch up on work after you are done with a vacation and part of it has also been coming to the final part of a writing project I’ve been working on and thus focusing more on it than anything else. Whenever I get close to finishing a writing project it becomes the center of my reality. So let’s see…
I’ve just started reading another book on relationships with my wife. It’s one I’d read before, but at that time I was the only one to read it. Reading it with someone else adds a dimension to the experience because of the discussions K and I are having about the book and what the author’s take on relationships means to both of us. I think that with this relationship I am discovering what love can really be, not just in terms of loving another but also myself. I can honestly say that I never felt as content or happy in my life as I’ve felt the last couple of years. We’ve had our bumps along the way, but we’ve been able to work through them with a level of openness and honesty that I was unable to give or receive previously.
The fire work has been interesting more in terms of the direction its pointing me to: Eros aka movement. I’ll get into that more at some point, but right now its in an exploratory stage. Fire in and of itself has really been about (this month and every month) coming to peace with my passions and desires and recognizing how much they’ve been driven by a feeling of emptiness and restlessness, which in doing this work and the relationship work has actually become much less prevalent. I still feel restless occasionally, but I am able to identify it and work with it in a way that had eluded me in the past.
8-12-12 When I think about my place in the Pagan-Occult community, I tend to think of myself as someone on the outskirts of said community. I feel that way in just about any community, and I recognize that a lot of it is my own choice, but it also born as much from a disassociation with people in general. At times I feel like I’m an observer who is studying everything around me. What offerings I bring are genuine, but they come from the outside, offering with the unusual perspective that can only come when you choose to go away from the norm and tried and true to discover whatever else is out there.
Even as a writer and publisher I’m on the outside. I’ve chosen to publish my books with a small publisher that does print on demand books. While my books are carried in independent stores, you’ll likely never see them on the walls of a Barnes and Noble or Powells books simply because retailers don’t like it when they can’t return books that don’t sell. I could probably get published by Llewellyn or another publisher at this point, but I doubt I’d have the level of control over the text or cover art that I have and generally what I’ve seen from the majority of publishers doesn’t inspire a level of confidence in me that the work will be respected in the way it needs to be.
And that’s the benefit of being on the outside…very few people care if you fit in if you already don’t fit in. And not fitting in allows you some liberties you might not discover otherwise. And sometimes you even discover, as I have, that there are more people into your work then you thought there were and more people who appreciate the perspective because they see the value it brings.
8-15-12 There are days when I wake up and do not like the person I see in the mirror. Fortunately they are few and far between, but on those days I am reminded of my burdens, of my remorse, of the mistakes I’ve made. There are some things you never forget because you know you need to remember them as a reminder of who you don’t want to be. And then too there’s that feeling of wanting to find something to distract you from what you are feeling, which is absolutely the worst choice to make. You may not like what you feel, but being present with it, working through it is far better then trying to distract yourself. That’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way, and its still something I’m learning. I’m better at this realization than I was a few years ago, but its still a struggle on a day like today. The urge to run away or lose myself or whatever else because I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling is sharp, yet instead of doing all that, I chose to feel it, chose to feel my unhappiness with myself, chose to feel the pain I am feeling. I chose to be present and move in that presence through meditation and mediation of what I’m feeling. I don’t know that this makes me a better person so much as it makes me someone who is choosing to be aware of his moments of weakness and vulnerability.
And there is also this other current that has recently come to my attention around movement via Eros. I need to do some movement rituals for areas of my life that I feel stuck in right now. Change happens through movement, but intentional movement is better then just any movement. The point isn’t to run away. The point is to move toward a solution.
8-17-12 When you live with fear each day you must learn to face it, or otherwise let it control you. Whether its fear of change, the unknown or something else, you either learn to master it, or it masters you. When it masters you, it stops you from acting, and when you master it, you use it to motivate your actions.
8-21-12 As one cycle begins to wind down another cycle begins to wind up. Still its important to focus on the moment at hand, and appreciate what is happening now. Too many people are focused on getting to the next moment, and thus they miss out on what is happening around them right now. I used to be that way, myself, and now find myself savoring each moment I have far more than I used to. My tomorrows are not infinite and what I have to experience is what is present right now. Maintaining presence is being in the present as it presents itself to you and through you.