Image copyright Taylor Ellwood 2022
One of the books I’m lately reading is Awareness: the Perils and Opportunities of Reality by Anthony De Mello. It is a book about cultivating awareness but what I find fascinating is that it really brings up a fundamental question of what awareness is, which I think is something we can take for granted. Is awareness being conscious or is it something else? It’s a question I’ve been pondering as I’ve read the book and considered the various insights that it offers.
I can’t say I’ve always been or am the most aware person. I work at being aware, but like anyone else I have my distractions and attachments and other things which get in the way of awareness. A metaphor I’ve seen used elsewhere is the metaphor of red dirt in the water. If you let the dirt settle, it goes to the bottom of the class and the water can seem to be clear (Aware), but if you stir the water the red dirt kicks up and the water becomes muddy. Sometimes I think I got awareness down and then the right circumstance comes up and I see that I ‘ve got attachments and those attachments are showing that I’m not so aware.
I’ve lately been realizing that awareness is being present with what is, without getting attached to what you wish it could be instead. Being present with what is can be an intimidating experience because you want something to be a certain or you don’t want to be in the circumstance you are in. You get caught up in trying to make something be different instead of being in the experience or you wish you were in the future or the past instead of accepting the reality that is available to you. I have definitely been guilty of these things and it has caused a lot of suffering because I couldn’t step back and recognize how attached I was and how the attachment was holding me back from the actual experience.
Lately I’ve been working a lot with self-love practices, making them an active part of my internal work and one thing I’ve discovered is that doing these practices is really helping me accept the reality that is and the experiences that are available instead of holding on so hard to something that isn’t real and won’t be real. the act of self-validation brings an awareness and presence with it that I had not previously had before. And I find as a result I step into the experience without the usual filters and issues that would otherwise distract me from the experience.
Cultivating awareness is a continuous practice though and so is self-love. You think you have it one moment, and then a moment later you discover that you don’t have it after all or you get caught in longing or some other feeling that takes away from being in the now. The key I’m continually discovering is to embrace the experience, including whatever is coming up but not letting it become my identity. When I overly identify with whatever is coming up emotionally or conceptually it keeps me from accepting the experience, but when I can acknowledge the experience without letting it become my identity than I am aware and in that awareness I can find presence and joy, even in the hardest of moments.
I’ve done a lot of internal work over the years, but in some ways I feel like I’m only beginning to discover what’s below the surface. Doing this kind of work requires dedication, but more importantly it requires humbleness. You have to be willing to recognize where you fall short and keep at it, even and especially when its hard. I have no doubt I’ll have to keep working at my sense of awareness but the work is worth doing because of how it changes your life.
