Picture copyright Taylor Ellwood 2020 Archangel Suvuviel
10-21-2020 Today I switched over to the elements of connection and truth. I don’t normally do two elements but these go hand in hand, because they are the forces that the archangel Suvuviel mediates and he’s one of the two spirits I’ll be working closely this year. The other spirit is She Who Watches. They both made themselves known to me in different ways, with some hard truths coming out, but later healing connection occurring. It’s not the way I imagined my birthday or the start of a new element going, but that’s kind of the point of this work. If you want balance, you necessarily have to open yourself to how that balance will show up in ways you don’t expect or plan for.
I’m glad for the switch though and I’m glad that I’m doing this work now, when I especially need to do it. It will continue to carry me forward on this journey of life and learning I’m on. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because this is the work I need to be doing that calls and speaks to and through me.
10-26-2020 This work is really calling me to account for how I communicate or don’t communicate when I make decisions and what happens with the resultant connect or disconnect. While this past weekend was helpful for some healing that needed to happen, with the help of She Who Watches, it also made me more aware of how my choices impact others. If I want to connect with other people I need to own my end of that connection and realize the impact of my choices. I haven’t always done that as much as I should.
10-28-2020 One of the aspects of working with connection and truth that stands out to me is that the depth of my connection is measured by the truth of my life. To be truly connected to someone else requires a depth of honesty with yourself, because the connection starts with you and with the integrity by which you live your life. If you aren’t completely connected with yourself how can you be connected with anyone else. One measurement I’m starting to use is to examine my actions in relationship to what I’m feeling and thinking. Are the actions consistent with the internal reality and if not, why?
10-30-2020 I’ve been reading the Sedona Method and The Happiness Trap. I feel like both books are relevant to the work I’m doing around connection and truth. The Sedona Method is about releasing, which I’m curious about, because I know all too well what its like to hold on to something too tight. The Happiness Trap has so far helped me recognize how much I’ve tried to control my emotions, instead of necessarily just acknowledging them and feeling them. And I see where that sense of trying to control them comes from, but also how much it doesn’t work.
I’ve also been thinking about my ex-step-mom a fair amount. I’m realizing that my relationship with her set up a pattern in my life with other relationships where I have only felt valued for what I could give someone. A lot of my romantic and friendships have felt that way, where I’ve come in and given a lot and felt like that’s the only part of myself that was valued, as opposed to me the person being valued. I don’t feel that way with Kat, but I realize that relationship has been the exception and even in that relationship I’ve defined my value in it around what I could give, which essentially speaks to how I treat myself. Do I have value to myself outside of what I can do for others?
11-1-20 I’ve been doing some further processing around not valuing myself as well as not feeling valued in other relationships. It all goes back to my step-mom and dad. Dad was never around and when he was I was told I was a disappointment regularly, but with my step-mom and value I had was based around the chores and work around the house I did. I never really felt like she wanted me for me. And this really came into focus once she had her own kids and I saw how she spoiled them, while in contrast she treated me as an unwanted burden and a servant. I remember too, when I moved out, how she persuaded my Dad to let me go and was probably relieved I was gone. Actually I know she was because she told me how she couldn’t wait for me to move out, during the last couple weeks I lived with them.
Even with my Mom, I never felt fully accepted and loved. It’s always felt conditional, though less so later in life. Even so I don’t feel I can really fully be myself with her, because she rejects part of me because she doesn’t agree with my choices. She doesn’t have to agree with my choices, but accepting all of me would have been nice. When I lived with her, much like with the ex-step mom, I basically became a servant, always having to do chores. I suppose the one difference is that Mom emphasized it as being able to contribute to the household, but sometimes it felt like the only value I had was based on what I could do for her.
And then I look at most of my romantic relationships and friendships. And for the most part I see this theme of only being valued for what I can do, as opposed to who I am. Kat is actually the exception and I didn’t fully appreciate that, because I haven’t valued myself either. I’ve looked for those relationships where I could be used and then tossed aside, once my usefulness was done. I feel used and devalued because I look back and I see relationships where people didn’t want to connect with me or be with me. They wanted what I could do for them or how I could help them, and otherwise I was just told to go off in a corner or live somewhere else, or just not be around, because being around me was intolerable. I look back and what I don’t see are people who wanted to be with me or care about me for me. If I had a use, if I could help them professionally or magically, then sure I had value, but outside that…forget it.
Yet at the heart of all this is the realization that I have not valued myself for me. I have not wanted me for me. So I have mirrored in so many of my relationships with others the way I have treated myself and that is what I must change. There is no point in trying to change the past relationships. The relationship I need to change is the one I have with myself, where I start valuing and appreciating myself for who I am and not just what I can do or how someone might need me to solve a problem. In valuing myself differently, I will also show up in the relationships I’m in differently, more present with my own value and sense of worth in a way I haven’t been before. I can do this for myself. I deserve it.
11-4-2020 Last night I had an experience where I rotated the lower Dan Tien while doing the Heaven and Earth Qi Gong. Today I applied the same rotation while doing Energy Gates, Bend the Bow and Gods Playing in the Clouds. It feels correct, but I’ve been careful and monitored the experience. It’s something I’ll continue exploring as I do my daily qi gong work.
In other news I’m feeling almost normal again, so to speak. I’m not feeling nearly as depressed as I’ve been feeling for quite a while. I think the meditation, therapy and other internal work is helping clean out the yuck, while also helping me hone in on what I need to do to take care of myself. It’s hard work, but its good work.
11-5-2020 Being present with the pain you’ve caused someone without reacting or at least recognizing and labeling your reactions is one of the hardest things to do, but one of the most essential if you and the other person are to heal from what happened.
In Beyond Victim Consciousness there’s an exercise where you explore the core beliefs you have about yourself, which lead to a feeling of victim consciousness. I did the exercise and what stands out to me is how the desire to be recognized, seen and appreciated does lead to some of the self-destructive behavior I’ve expressed and exhibited. It’s some useful food for thought in terms of my own truth, and I’ve recognized this before, but it gives me another lens through which to understand it.
11-6-2020 Something I’ve been reflecting on is expectations and specifically how I have sometimes put pressure on people in my life with expectations. I know where I get it from…my dad, because that’s exactly what he did with me. And I’m realizing how I’ve done the same with some people in my life and how hard that can be to live with and deal with, so lately I’ve been checking my expectations and letting them go, focusing on connecting with the person and the day as they are instead of focusing on a fantasy of what I expect. I’m finding it to be easier and better as a result. It’s helping me be true and connect in a much deeper, more meaningful way.
11-7-2020 I was watching a video where Bruce Frantzis talks about the dissolving method and why dissolving downward is done. He brought up a really interesting point, that the fire methods where the energy is moved upward can have some destablizing effects, which in my own experience is accurate. It makes me realize why I’ve always come back to the water method, because my experience with other methods of internal work has shown that those methods don’t work for me, whereas the dissolving method of the water practice does and keeps things stable.
11-8-2020 I am continuing to come back to myself. I feel Suvuviel and She Who Watches in the background helping me with this work, but what’s most important is that I am continuing to explore some viable methods via the Sedona Method and ACT Therapy, which are helping me continue to unpack and work with my emotions in a way that is bringing some critical distance into the work that still lets me engage and release without being overwhelmed by what I’m feeling.
11-9-2020 The sense of well-being, focus and creative happiness I feel again. I missed it so much and I feel it in a different way now, because this is the sole focus of my working day. I am coming back to myself and better. It’s taken a lot of work, but it is good to be back to myself again.
11-11-2020 This morning Kat and I talked about our relationship and the patterns that show up in our relationship body. She made the point that we carry our past dysfunctions in that relationship body but also the experiences in the relationship. I see how much pressure I’ve put on myself to show up in certain ways instead of being in the moment, and how I put expectations on myself and Kat, instead of simply trusting in her and myself. I feel this sense of joy over recognizing these patterns and beginning to let them go.
11-12-2020 Today I learned a Taoist practice that focuses on working the body using metal Qi or rather directing the qi using it in a way that is described as metal, which in this case creates a sense of mental clarity and stability that is sharp and focused. Afterwards I did Heaven and Earth and I noticed how different the expression of the qi was from one form to another. It’s quite fascinating to feel.
In practical matters I feel like I’m reconnecting with myself creatively. I’ve wrapped up a new class, and I’m inspired to create more classes. I’m working on a novella that’s nearly complete and I’m looking forwarding to sinking my writing teeth into a number of new projects, fiction and non-fiction. And in the meantime the book and class sales are continuing to roll in.
11-13-2020 Today I asked a question in Taoist meditation about what to do to dissolve thoughts and emotions around someone you’re obsessing over. Master Frantzis’s response really helped me. He said to imagine you were at the end of your life and you only had a few minutes left. Would you really want to be thinking about this person, especially when there was no future. And it hit me profoundly: there is no future so why waste any more thought, emotion or time on someone I’ll never interact with again. He suggested that doing such a practice right before dissolving meditation could be helpful and I see that clearly. It’s a good realization to have.
11-15-2020 Spent the weekend learning about the metal Element and San-Ti which is a form of standing qi gong. I feel like I came away with a sense of clarity and focus as well as continuing to dissolve a lot of internal tension. I can see how working with the metal element could be helpful with connection work. At the same time I think I’ve hit a place where I just need to focus on integration for a while, with all the practices I’ve learned, so I’m going to trust that.
11-18-2020 I’ve been continuing to read The Happiness Trap. A point that was made which I found to be very helpful was about acceptance. The author explains that acceptance is about taking what is offered and acknowledging your reality, and consequently letting go of the struggles, conflicting thoughts and other such things that otherwise would take up your time and energy. What I find helpful is that there is power in the acceptance of the moment…that instead of letting your emotions and thoughts consume you, you accept then and then focus on the actions you can take toward building a more fulfilling life. I wish I had read this prior to August as it may have helped me then, but it does give me hope now. Yesterday I felt a sense of peace and acceptance, because I could just acknowledge what I was feeling and then focus on the actions I can take. It is a form of connection and truth that is profound because it is experienced in the moment through acknowledging and accepting what is felt and thought without having to enter into a debate about it.
11-20-2020 Today I had a helpful realization. A person had commented on someone else’s post and said that when you want someone to fix you, you can mistake that feeling for love even as you recognize that it becomes a weight on the other person…so it makes you more desperate and so you latch on tighter to the person you think can fix you. Reading that comment helped me understand a couple situations better, not because I needed someone to fix my life, but for being the person that such a desperate need was pinned on. It helped me put things into further context and recognize at the same time my own desire to be needed and how that fed into those situations. I realize my own desire to be needed contributed to the dynamic that happened and its something I know to recognize and look for better in the future.
I’ve also started reading Ego is the Enemy and the introduction alone has given me a lot to think about because I see all over again how my own ego has been my enemy in different situations. It had deluded me and lead my down the path for seeking recognition in different forms and ways, and while I have become better at recognizing the ego when it knocks at the door I still nonetheless have a ways to go. My experiences over the last few years have intimately helped me see past my own illusions to the person underneath, and I think for this work of connection and truth it is more essential than ever to release such illusions and really experience the actual reality…because it becomes a liberation from the self-inflicted suffering that ego can cause.
11-21-2020 Today I’m working on my acceptance practice. I struggle some days and this is on of those days where I’m struggling a bit because it is so easy to fall into the routine of struggling with yourself. It is that comfortable discomfort, because the struggle is familiar, whereas as simply accepting what is being felt is intimate and yet sharp because it requires you to be present with the emotion without struggling with it. Still I find that working on acceptance is helping me not wallow in the struggle, which is worthwhile because then I am more productive and focused. That is a truth worth realizing again and again.