Sandalaphon - underworld
12-22-2020 Today I started integrating the Sphere of Art work with the Qi gong work I’m doing. I did the sphere of art ritual and then worked with the alchemical substances for the underworld. Then I did the qi gong work and followed up with meditation, where I also mediated the alchemical substances for the underworld. It was an interesting experience because this time I felt the underworld energies mesh with the qi I had cultivated during the qi gong work. There didn’t seem to be any conflict with the connection of the energies, but of course I’ll test this carefully.
I’ve been reading the 48 laws of Power and what strikes me about this book is that I learned these laws from my dad. I doubt he ever read the book, but so far the laws discussed fit his behavior. He knew how to create an air of mystery, when to keep his mouth shut, but also when to make a scene. He was a cypher and I learned a lot of this from observing him. Of course I’ve also learned some of these laws just from my own experiences, but its fascinating to read this book and recognize my missteps (where I didn’t execute the laws successfully) as well as my successes with those same laws. I’m only part way through the book but it is quite illuminating, especially when you are already putting some of those laws in to action.
12-24-2020 Sometimes I doubt my decisions. When I look back on what happened this year…it was a hard year, one of the hardest of my life. There were a lot of good things about this year, but also a lot of hard things. And there are days I wake up and I question my judgment, not the least because I see in retrospect certain red flags around what happened in August, that I wish I had caught on to right away. In the end I did recognize those red flags before irreparable harm was done, but I’m haunted by what happened. Never again will I keep my emotions, my stress, etc., bottled up when I can choose to share it with the one person who’s got my back no matter what. I’m doing better with that…even and especially when I know that the conversation might be uncomfortable. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward. I’m just glad I have the opportunity to do so.
12-27-2020 I’ve been doing a lot of internal work the last few days in conjunction with the underworld energy that’s being mediated through the qi gong and meditation work. It’s helping me clear out a lot of unnecessary blockages and attachments, especially from earlier this year. I’ve hit a place where I’m tired of letting someone live in my head rent free. I’ve been tired of it for a while, but I needed to wrap my head and heart around some things and I feel like I’m finally hitting that place where I can just let go and fully move on.
12-28-2020 In the Happiness Trap, one of the techniques they discussion is expansion, where instead of trying to bottle up and suppress an emotion, you allow yourself to give that emotion space and expand. Today as I was doing qi gong I opened myself up to expanding the space for emotions I was feeling and just allowed myself to be present with those emotions. And while doing Qi gong, there was a lesson, where Bruce Frantzis says if you can’t locate where an emotion resides, you can’t release it. By expanding my sense of space for the emotions I was able to release them.
I’ve also started reading The Body Keeps Score, which is a book about how the body and mind handle trauma. I’m finding it very relevant to my own work, and my experiences with trauma. I recognize myself in some of what is discussed around trauma. For instance when the author talks about people with trauma feeling a sense of emptiness internally, I get that. I have felt numb for much of my life. I’m starting to not feel that way, especially with the work I’m doing around emotions as well as the physiological work I’m doing via the Sirt Food diet and my qi gong work, which gives me hope.
12-30-2020 I was reading the Sedona Method and the author made a profound point about the difference between wanting and having. The author mentioned that when we get what we want we only derive temporary satisfaction from it, because its externally based, whereas when we focus on what we have, we discover a deeper layer of satisfaction because its intrinsically based. This really hit me on a deep level because so often I’ve identified with what I want, instead of recognizing what I have. In fact it made me realize that operating from a place of want is operating from a place of scarcity because you’re focused on the lack of something in your life and wanting it, hoping it’ll meet what you lack, when perhaps a change in perspective and focusing on what you have is more important, because then you operate from a place of wealth and abundance.
1-1-2021 I decided yesterday that I’m not going to do any type of virtual summit. It was a good realization. I simply don’t want to do that level of work and I really don’t need to. I’d rather write. I’ve been continuing to read Ego is the Enemy and the chapter I read reinforced this realization and the essentialist philosophy I now live by. I don’t need to say yes to everything, but I do need to stay on my path and trust it, because that path is leading me to do the work that I am called to. Nothing else matters.
1-4-2021 I’m continuing to work with the underworld energies via the alchemical substances while doing qi gong. When I meditate afterwards, I’m noticing that the underworld energies are integrating into my energy in a way that’s more seamless, thanks to how the qi gong smoothes everything out. I’ve also been continuing to read Ego is the Enemy. The lessons in that book are profound and as I apply them to my own situations, recent and otherwise, I see how much my own ego has gotten in my way. I am letting go even more of the need for recognition, because I see how it gets in the way of doing the work. If something comes my way I’ll appreciate it, but I won’t expect it, because the expectations are not helpful and just create tension when there could be a better flow of work.
1-5-2021 I finished reading Ego is the Enemy. This is going to be a mandatory read each year, because of the lessons in this book and the reminder for myself to stay humble and focused on my joy and purpose instead of on the ego. Reading this book has helped me see how my ego contributed to the events in August and my breakdown. When I should have been resting, I convinced myself I had to finish writing Walking with Spirits. When I should have stepped back from another person’s situation, my ego convinced me I needed to get more involved and solve that person’s problem (among other things). One of the best questions the book asks “Is this the person I want to be?” is a question I will ask myself in each situation and one of the other lessons, about letting go instead of holding on is one I’m already learning, but it’s another perspective I can use. I’m glad I’ve read this book. I just wish I had read it earlier.
1-7-2021 I’ve been reading the 48 laws of power and law #10 Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky really struck home for me, especially as I read the history of Lola Montez. I have sometimes been that unhappy person and sometimes I’ve surrounded myself with people like that or let someone like that in because on the surface they seemed so attractive or charismatic, even as I ignored the warning signs. I’ve gotten better about identifying the red flags, both within myself and with others, but its still an area to improve on.
In The Happiness Trap, the author explains that connection is about being present in the moment, engaging the world and not getting caught up in the past or future. When I think about how often I’ve let myself get caught up in the past or future. I’m getting at being present though, because of the work I’m doing around letting go of the past.
1-10-2021 The last few days I’ve been watching a course on wealth magic and reflecting on some of the lessons within, which I’ve been working in my pursuit of connection and truth. In the last week and a half I’ve re-evaluated some of my decisions around the work I’m choosing to do. I’m letting go of anything that involves “working hard” or takes away from my creative time and the result has been is that I’m writing more and enjoying the projects I’m working on more. Making the time to reflect on my truth and how that truth shows up in my life is helping me connect with it more meaningfully.
1-11-2021 I’ve been processing some realizations around another law I read in the 48 laws of Power, specifically law 12 and how people sometimes use gifts and other such things as ways to get an in with a person. I feel like it’s a behavior I haven’t always recognized for what it can be, but in retrospect I can see certain instances where clearly it was the case. It’s a useful, if cynical lens to use with people.
1-15-2021 I found out today that Storm Constantine passed on. We hadn’t talked much in the last few years, after I pulled my books from Immanion Press, but she played such a pivotal role in my life, believing in my work and me when a lot of other people didn’t. I wouldn’t be where I’m at with self-publishing if it wasn’t for her mentorship and guidance and also the lessons I learned by what she didn’t do. I feel sad about her passing and that we didn’t speak much after I left Immanion Press. I’ll always consider her to be a spiritual and writing ancestor of sorts and I’m glad she came into my life and changed it in the way she did.
In other news I’ve been working through some underworld currents in my own life, recognizing how my selfishness and self-absorbedness can get me into trouble. I’m continuing to use the skills I’ve learned in The Happiness Trap and The Sedona Method to help differentiate between the feeling at the time and who I actually am. It’s not always easy work, but it is helping me see how I get in my own way.
1-17-2021 Today and yesterday I’ve been falling back into a bad habit of self-loathing and anger toward myself, especially over what happened in August. Sometimes all I see are the negatives and how I’ve hurt people in my life. It’s hard to recognize the positive impact, even though I’m relatively sure I’ve been a more positive influence than negative in most peoples’ lives that I’ve intersected with. It really boils down to forgiving myself for what happened, which I’m slowly doing. Some days are easier or harder than others, but my truth and connection wins out with the understanding that there will be some days where I fail, and I just have to get up and keep going.
I also read Storm’s introduction to my book A Magical Life. It makes me sad we fell out of touch…and this happened really a lot earlier than when we stopped working together on Immanion Press. We used to talk about magic and work on projects together and I’m glad we did some of that with the dehara work in the last few years. She left the world a better place because of what she did and who she helped, and how she inspired.
1-21-2021 Today I wrapped up working with the alchemical substances for the underworld and integrating them into the qi gong work. I also got instructions about starting to do Bua Gua moving forward, so I think I’m going to at least do a day or two of that each week in conjunction with the other qi gong. This month has felt like an underworld journey for me, in terms of processing the death of a former mentor as well as continuing to do some work around what happened in August. But I also feel like I’m coming out the other side of all this. I have more productive days than not now and I feel happier and more content than I have in a long time.