Picture copyright Taylor Ellwood 2021
6-22-2021 I find it dryly ironic that as I switch over to Chesed today I recognize in full how much my situation has changed on the material front. When you live with someone else, you don’t always fully recognize how much that can shape your perception of the cost of living. Then if you become single or go out on your own you start to realize how much your situation has changed and how you have to plan accordingly. Today it really hit me how much my situation has changed and how this is one of the consequences of choosing to leave. It’s not a fun feeling to sit with, but I need to do it and accept the consequences of my choices. This is part of that path of finding my connection and truth and the cost that comes with it.
6-24-2021 Yesterday I got the divorce papers. It kind of brings home that we’re done, although I’ve been having that realization in other ways as I wrote above. In one sense I question whether I’ll really be able to figure out what’s next. My mom told me this kind of stuff is hard and I believe it, especially when you’re having to pick up all the pieces of your life and sort them out as best you can. I am trying my best and that’s all I’ve got…
6-25-2021 It’s really hitting me, how much my life has changed. There are lessons in all of this and I accept those lessons humbly, but it also illustrates to me how important it is to accept the grief instead of fighting it. At the same time, I’m considering carefully what will help me accept that grief. I am fortunate enough that I can actually make some choices right now, without too much in the way of negative consequences, because there’s really nothing to lose at this point. I am carefully weighing my options and trying to stay open to what has already manifesting, but also promising myself not to stay in a situation that makes me miserable. I’ve done that far too much already and the cost is always high.
6-27-2021 Yesterday was the anniversary of the family wedding. I knew the day was going to fuck with me, so I decided to dash for part of the day, and it was really fascinating how driving opened the doors for me, allowing me to grieve and process, but also re-write the day. I ended the day sharing a meal with friends and discussing the possibilities of the present and future, realizing I have a lot more possibilities available to me than I had perhaps considered. It’s really causing me to recognize that I need to pause, reflect and consider what’s best for me, what will help me get the most out of my life journey and allow me to do something meaningful as well.
6-28-2021 I had a session with Ingo tonight and he challenged me to go past the strategies to the real intent behind the strategies. What do you really want, Taylor? What’s the intent, the feeling? And we got to this place where I felt alone and yet I could acceptance myself, and love myself, because I wasn’t looking for love from someone else. I wasn’t looking for acceptance from someone else. I let that go, let the pressure go to please other people in order to find acceptance. That’s what I’m realizing. I’ve got to let go of the need to please other people so I can find myself, and find that sense of love I’ve never really felt for myself.
7-1-2021 Today a possibility I was considered for a bit further down the line suddenly…perhaps might become a reality a bit sooner than I anticipated, and in such a way that it would make it easier for me to fully step into the possibility and make it a reality. I feel a sense of hope and happiness I haven’t felt in a long time and if I truly pull this off, it would mean some life changes, but I am ready for those changes. They would be healing changes and they would allow me to deepen my magical work significantly. for now I’ve done what I can, and will continue to do what I must, but such possibilities…to behold them would be beautiful.
7-3-2021 I visited Astoria today to follow through on an opportunity there. It scares and excites me. On the one hand I would end up living in the place I want to live, working with the land, and with She Who Watches. On the other hand, I don’t know anyone there. It would literally be a fresh start in every way. I imagine I would meet people and make friends. I would have to be careful. I asked a shop owner about the Pagan community and she says it’s very quiet there, but then again I’ve lived in situations like that before and there’s something appealing about connecting with the local community in whatever form it shows up and discovering what they might have to offer. And the land itself welcomes me…I could work with it and with the Columbia river.
7-5-2021 I ended up deciding not to pursue the opportunity in Astoria. I realized I was pursuing it for the wrong reason, to escape the inner turmoil and sorrow I’m feeling. The problem is, I can’t escape it. I’ll just be carrying it with me wherever I go. I also realized, again, I’m really not up for the challenge of overhauling my life any further, right now. I would move up there and be alone, without anyone I really knew close by. And while I could visit people, I’d also need to settle into the place. It could have been a good adventure, but when I started researching what life was like up there and really weighed out the pros and cons I came to recognize I need to ground myself here, in PDX, with friends that are close by, who I can reach out to when I need to, instead of isolating myself even further. And while I could make friends in Astoria, it would take time and work, as all such things do. Here I’ve got a community who cares about me and wants to be here for me. This is my home, for the moment, and perhaps always. But even if someday it isn’t, I know that when I go somewhere else, I want go with someone else (or more than one person) and not just up and do it on my own, and then possibly set myself up for a situation where I truly am alone. In the meantime I’m just going to trust that I’m exactly where I need to be.
7-6-2021 Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I let my fears get the better of me, because I start thinking about everything that could go wrong with a situation, instead of considering what could go write. It doesn’t help that divorce brain is in full force right now. I feel so fucked up by everything that’s happened in the last year and I own my part of that, but it just has really hit me and as a result I’m questioning everything, instead of trusting in the opportunities.
I finally had a moment of sanity today and started really researching the “opportunities” I was setting myself up with. I realize now I would have ground my bod into the ground and I can’t do that, especially with some of the physical limitations I have with my knees, feet, and lower back. A reading I did with Leni further confirmed what I really need to do is stabilize myself by giving myself a chance to rest and recover. I’ve been pushing myself too much, too hard and its caught up, as it always does. So tonight I’m watching Shawshank Redemption and reminding myself of the lesson of hope.
7-7-2021 I’ve been continuing to read Polysecure. I’m reading the section on applying the principles of HEART to your self and I think it’s really helpful, because the author makes the point that you have to be able to stabilize yourself emotionally, which I have struggled with. I have relied too much on partners in the past to provide that stabilization. I think it’s built into how we structure relationships. In my case, I know I just learn to stabilize myself emotionally. It will help me be that much more secure and empowered in myself.
7-8-2021 I feel like I’m getting myself righted again. I had to go crazy for a bit, but now the madness is slipping away. I met with S. V. tonight and we both agreed that it would be good to just take July to rest and recover from our respective trials. I think if I get that time to rest and relax and keep discovering myself I will be in a good place to take my next step forward, because I’ll actually be prepared to do it. I know I want to move forward with my life. I also know I need to rest and recover. At least I’m finally feeling more like myself again. And at least I didn’t sabotage myself like I could have.
7-9-2021 S. V. brought up an interesting idea last night, about me becoming a counselor. I hadn’t really thought of it, but I woke up this morning with the realization that the rest of my life is ahead of me. I’ve accepted that K and I are done and although I still feel sad, I feel more at peace about it. So what’s next? I don’t want to do customer support the rest of my life, and I do want to writing, but writing is a long term game. So is anything else really, but the question remains what do I want to do. It’s something to contemplate and consider, without necessarily doing anything right now.
7-9-2021 I started reading a book about co-dependency. I figure it can’t hurt to look at my behaviors through that lens, especially as I’m in this process of dating myself. I do see where I’ve been co-dependent with people in the past. I’ve put other peoples’ needs before mine, been a people pleaser and not had good boundaries in some ways. I’ve gotten a bit better about it, but I still see a lot of my behaviors in that vein and it gives me some thoughts to consider. In some ways, its been part of the craziness I’ve been dealing with because I see how much I based my stability on relationships I had with other people. Now I just have myself, and I’m figuring this relationship out slowly but surely. I think it’ll be a while before I really get involved with anyone else beyond friendship, for that reason.
7-10-2021 This morning in the Daily Stoic they discussed being a crafts person and doing the work because of the craft and that really resonated with a realization I had when I woke up. I’m really not an entrepreneur. I’ve tried being one, but you constantly have to hustle and draw people in and I just don’t have it in me. I want to write books and create classes and put it all out there, and do some marketing, but then leave it up to people to decide what they do or don’t want to do, instead of constantly trying to sell them on something. I know a lot of entrepreneurs and almost all of them are always trying to sell something, trying to get something to happen. And when you can focus on doing those activities, it’s great. But I find them exhausting. I just want to write and create classes and do my own work. So that’s what I’m going to do. I am not going to worry about escaping a 9-5 life. I’m just going to do the work and if it makes me wildly successful great, and if not it will still feed my soul and bring me some happiness.
I’ve been continuing to read the book on co-dependency. I definitely see some of my behaviors in what’s described, especially around the poor boundaries. I do feel its good I’m recognizing these behaviors. It doesn’t solve them, but it does provide some context.
7-11-2021 I’ve been reading more of the co-dependency book and the author explains how people who experience abuse and trauma can be setup for co-dependency. It makes a lot of sense. I see how my negative self talk, which originate from my own abuse has set me up for co-dependency. Something else which is helping me has been a realization that its going to take some time to recover. I don’t know when I’ll feel like me again. I see occasional glimmers, but most days I don’t feel like me at all, and I just have to accept that.
7-13-2021 Continuing to read the co-dependency book is helping me see how weak I am with boundaries. I have always struggled to say no to other people. I’ve always been a people pleaser. I have let myself get walked all over, out of fear of being rejected and abandoned. If I had spoken up, owned my truth, I might have lost people in my life earlier than I did, but I might have been better off for it, because I would have honored myself. My friend C reminded me that what you can take from regrets is the realization that you can’t change the past, but you can make better choices moving forward and that’s what I’m going to do and what I am doing. I’m choosing to become better at my boundaries and at my truth.
7-15-2021 Today I decided to leave the customer support job I started working at last month. I realized that I just couldn’t do another customer support job. For me, its soul crushing work. I’m going to look for some other work, and continue working on my writing and do some door dashing. I will figure things out, but I know continuing to do work that doesn’t bring me any sense of purpose and just makes me feel miserable is the last thing I want to do.
7-18-2021 The last few days have been interesting and clarifying. I’m feeling more creative and more like myself than I have in a long time., but even so there are still moments of sorrow. The other night I saw Black Widow with S. V. and spent half the time thinking of all the movies I’d gone to with K. It was hard, but I knew going to a movie and starting that process of rewriting my memories and making new ones is what I need to do. I had a similar experience when I visited J. G. and stayed overnight. Sleeping in a bed with someone made me think of all the nights I had fallen asleep with K. It was a sad experience, but again necessary for me so I could begin to move on. On the plus side I think I have a path forward with my life. It’ll take some work and investments on my part, but I’m excited at the possibilities of what could happen.
7-19-2021 Ever since last August I’ve found myself questioning and second guessing my decisions and moreso even now in the wake of the divorce. I see so much of where I have gone down the wrong path. I’m flailing and trying to figure things out, but sometimes it seems like all I’m really doing is kidding myself. Yes I have a path forward…I just have to get my short term path figured out and that’s what intimidates me, because I feel like I’m making the wrong decisions.
7-20-2021 I’m too hard on myself. I guess it comes down to this: I look at my life and what I see is a person who has taken such an unconventional approach to life, trying this best to sort things out, but along the way making what seems to be a lot of mistakes. And maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t. And here I am at the dawn of what my next phase in life is and sometimes all I see are the shadows. Yet there’s more than just that and I am getting somewhere with all of this.
I think the lesson of this month is realizing how much I’m still flailing and trying to figure out what next actually looks like. I think I have some better ideas, but its been an intense and crazy process this month. I hope it gets easier next month. I did have one very important realization. I am the source of most of my misery and suffering. I can’t blame it on anyone else or anything else. If I can just learn to have a different relationship with all of that, I might even feel a sense of contentment.