“Nothing is Deserved” Painting by Taylor Ellwood Picture Copyright 2020
7-22-2020 Today when I did my meditation the archangels told me that the next three months is all about an integration of everything I’ve done before with the Sphere of Art, as well as the Qi Gong I’m doing. “That’s more than enough work for you right there, especially with everything else you’ll be doing.” And they told me that all of this would continue to lay the ground work for transformation. So I accepted what they said and just focused on the integration. It is important to make time for the work you’ve done, to ground it and embody it in you and that time, for me, is right now.
7-23-2020 I’m rereading the Slight Edge and he makes an excellent point that changing how you think about what you do matters, because how you think about what you do dictates how you actually do it, and if you even do it. What makes a person successful at whatever they’re doing is the thought that seeds the actions and keeps them doing what needs to be done, even when the person is seeming to fail. It’s a good reminder for me.
7-26-2020 The last couple days I’ve been in a weekend qi gong intensive, learning more exercises for the spine. It’s been some amazing work and what’s stood out to me is how much I don’t know and why its so important to commit to this work. I’ve already been putting a lot of thought into my new schedule and how I can make space for the qi gong, while getting the writing and other activities done. What I am continuing to notice with the qi gong work is how this work integrates the stellar and earth qi into the work in the body and how this embodiment of that work in turn actually integrates the sphere of art more fully into myself. It’s creating an amplification effect of the SOA, which must be explored further.
”People are not driven by past causes but move toward goals they themselves set.” From The Courage to be Disliked. Reading this made me think about how often the past is used to justify where a person is, instead of examining what the person is working toward or embodying. The past only defines us in context to how we use it to justify what we are working toward.
7-27-2020 I’m noticing an interesting effect with the SOA, when doing Qi Gong. I end up embodying the sphere when doing the work, drawing it in, but then also sending it out and amplifying the effects of the sphere. It’s quite interesting and worth noting because of how it can be applied to possible magical work.
7-30-2020 I quit my day job yesterday and while it was great to wrap up there, I still felt this sense of shock that went through me and just made me feel off. It makes sense when something bad happens, but when something good happens, you still have to realize that it can shock you out of your normal routine and in my case I’m having to figure out what my new routine will be. So I realized this after today was mostly non-productive and I did the SOA and then qi gong to work through the shock and dissipate it, releasing it so I can move forward. And I feel much better as a result.
8-1-2020 It’s the third weekend of the qi-gong intensive work and this weekend has been intensive. I learned how to contract and expand my spine and internal organs with the movements we were doing, as well as the Qi. What I also noticed is that this correlates to the contraction and expansion of the SOA because of how the energy is being embodied in the practitioner. I also noticed a gravitational attraction at work where the element of gravity can be drawn upon and used in the contraction and expansion of the Qi and SOA. It further demonstrates certain observations I’ve made about how to work with the SOA, wherein gravity becomes a central element of that work. There’s so much more to learn. Fortunately I have the time now.
8-3-2020 I’ve been reading Mastery by Robert Greene and I think its good for me to be reading this book now because now that I have my freedom again, I can take action on some long terms plan, but I also really need to look at my relationships with different people in the community. If I want to help the occult community I necessarily must recognize how I have shot myself in the foot in the past and not make those same mistakes. Reading that book helps me some of my own flaws in a better light, so that I can make more proactive changes both within in myself and with the people I want to connect with.
8-4-2020 The why of the work is as important as the work itself. Why am I doing this work? Who am I doing it for? Am I doing it for the right reasons? These are questions I ask myself regularly because when I haven’t asked them I’ve set myself up for failure.
8-8-2020 Started the final week of the month long qi gong intensive for the spine. I learned the basics of Bend the Bow and I can see how knowing this technique could help me with back issues, but also how working it could help me deepen my relationship with my body and the qi. After the intensive I did SOA and when I meditated I felt this intense heat in my feet and hands and in my spine, radiating through my body and integrated what I learned into my consciousness. I’ll be exploring all of this work quite intently because it is so transformative.
8-9-2020 Today I learned more about Bend the Bow. I can feel the qi in my spine moving up and down when doing this work. I can also tell that I’ll be spending a lot of time going deeper with what I’ve learned. It’s clear to me that all of this work will play a role in the system of experiential embodiment I’m developing and integrating into all of my work.
Wrapped up the last intensive and for the last session I did energy gates, then the modified heaven and Earth then Bend the Bow and Gods Playing in the Clouds. Afterwards I did the SOA and meditated and I felt this rippling energy going through my body and imprinting itself in me. I feel compact in a good way, relaxed and focused. I look forward to deepening my knowledge with everything I’ve learned.
8-10-2020 Each time I meditate I notice that the spiraling feeling becomes more intense. Doing Bending the Bow is making my spine react and I can feel the qi going up and down the body. Pretty intense work which is fine. I’m just taking it in stride and mostly focused on the body and how the body is responding.
8-12-2020 I’m feeling like I can finally take a breath. The last month has been intense and its only now really beginning to wind down. I don’t feel like I’ve really even begun to process everything and I’m realizing I really just need to give myself that time. Between writing the book and doing the qi gong intensive, I haven't come to grips with leaving the job or the trauma of that job, not fully and now I’m just taking a breath...I’m going to give myself that time.
Sometimes I wish I could turn my emotions back off, go back to the emptiness. The problem with that being that the emotions aren’t turned off and the emptiness never was healthy for me. But you would think at 43, I’d have my emotions figured out…then again maybe not. I only really started to learn how to feel them at 20 when I readjusted the serotonin in my brain and that was overwhelming, because all of the sudden here are all these things I never felt before. Over the years, I’ve come to a better understanding of my emotions, but sometimes they still throw me a loop. And what I’ve learned is that I have to differentiate between what I’m feeling and what that emotion is projecting for me. And if I can make that differentiation then I can redirect that emotion accordingly. It’s another method for inspiring creativity, and I imagine other creatives have done something similar in their lives, at least the ones who recognized that difference.
8-13-2020 The other issue and this is a fundamental one is that I recognize when I’m being selfish, when what I’m doing is about my reactions, instead of being for the right reasons or with consideration to other people.
I did Bending the Bow today and this time I focused more on the individual vertebrae. I felt this heat spread from my spine to the rest of my body, similar to how Tumo feels. I went deep into the feeling, letting it connect me with the sphere of art and with the stellar and underworld energy. Afterwards I felt it carry me deeper in my body and yet out at the same time.
8-14-2020 I got into some conversations about recognition and fame. On the one hand a person astutely noted that when you want fame and recognition you become a slave to others because you want their approval, and its no longer about the work. On the other hand, another person noted that fame and recognition are good things to have because they bring more opportunities, money etc. And they’re not wrong, but I’ve tasted the toxic fruit of celebrity enough to know how detrimental it can be. Anymore the approach I do my best to take is to make everything I do about the work, and not me. If it’s about the work, anything else will follow because the right people will find it (with an admittedly healthy dose of marketing).
A few years ago I had to let go of my ego, hard, and recognize how much that need for recognition had taken me from the right path. And I only came back to that path when I started doing the work for the right reasons, to get my ideas out there for the people that needed them, and not because the work would get recognized, but because it just needed to be done. And I gotta remember that, because when I’m operating from that place, where it’s about the work, and not me, then I’m operating from the right place. The recognition and all that may come, but I should never expect it. It’s just a byproduct of working the process.
The courage to be happy is the choice to do what matters to you regardless of the risks you face.
I did the Sphere of Art and then my Qi gong practice and again with Bend the Bow I noticed that same feeling of heat, which extended into my Gods Playing in the Clouds practice. I feel like I’ve got a definite routine where I use energy gates and heaven and earth to warm everything up and then go from there into the deeper practices. Today I found this practice useful for doing dissolving work and when I did the Bua Gua walk I felt my the energy traveling up and down my spine.
8-15-2020 I wrote this last night after I finished playing Death Stranding
I just finished Death Stranding. It is one of the weirdest games I've ever played and also one of the most moving emotionally because of how it explores the nature of human connection.
I am not good at connection. Not really.
But playing this game has been so thought and emotion provoking for me. Finishing it today, of all days, just hits harder in a way.
Connection is not easy. There is risk in truly connecting with someone on any level that is intimate.
Just like there is a risk in any choice you make.
The courage to be happy is to accept the unknown instead of settling for the known. Challenge what you know by discovering what you can learn.
When I woke up this morning I started meditating and I let my consciousness sit on the blockage I felt at the center of my being and as I dissolved it I felt all this fear come out of me and I realized that once again, just like a few years ago, I was back in that place of fear, feeling the unknown, and I let it wash over me and let it go because I realized no matter what happens, I will be okay. I will get through this transition by embracing the unknown and work with it, instead of resisting it. I’ve been resisting it, going back to old patterns, because I know those patterns, but I’m ready now, to move forward into the unknown and trust that I will create the connections I need to make and figure out what I need to figure out. I don’t need to go back to do that. I can look back, learn from my mistakes, and move forward to make new ones and yet also grow.
8-16-2020 I feel like I am a very messy person in some ways and its not a good feeling. I need to do better with my boundaries and not let my issues and problems over to other people. This whole month has just been a fucking mess of my own making and I am appalled and ashamed of myself for the problems I cause others. It illustrates as well the importance of being more careful with my magical work. It’s fine and well to change my life, but it shouldn’t impact others the way it has recently.
8-19-2020 In the last few days I managed to blow my life up magnificently (sarcasm intended). I feel deeply ashamed of myself and of the hurt I’ve caused other people. Yet beating myself up isn’t the answer. Fortunately I managed to turn the situation around somewhat and over time, and with some effort all wounds can be healed. I realize that this all came about because of feeling disconnected with everyone in my life, and from the stress of the job I left and even the push of my creativity. My mom told me, rightfully so, that I need to take a break, that my intensity can become an obsession and I know this because 3 years ago I was in a similar place with my old business. In this case the intensity went in another direction, but it didn’t help anything. It just created problems. And it reminds me all over again of yet another damnable pattern in my life of flying too close to the sun because of how hyperfocused I can get.
In Highlander, the Kurgan says that its better to burnout than to fade away and I feel like this month exemplifies burnout for me, and the balance is not there. But who’s fault is that? Mine. I am at fault for my weaknesses, my fallibility, and my selfishness. And what I have to show for it isn’t balance. It makes me wonder at myself, at how I can seemingly be so aware and yet so unaware. All I can do is learn from this and do better by the people in my life and by myself as well.
8-20-2020 I’m feeling more like myself again. Had some tough conversations but things are looking better. I’m going to get some supplemental help to deal with a few issues that I haven’t been fully acknowledging for the last few months, but I’m back. Humbled, weary, but I’m back.
The archangels came to my last night and they told me that my life path is my own. I can choose what path I want to go down, but that the blessings they give can just as easily be taken away. And I asked what was all the purpose of this then and they said, “There was no purpose. This was all you.”
Sometimes you have to go mad to find your sanity.