Picture/painting copyright Taylor Ellwood 2017
10-22-2017 On Friday I switched from Stillness to Stability, from working with Zadok to working with Elephant. One of the reasons I chose Stability is because I feel a need for grounding. One might think with Stillness that I'd already be grounded, but Stillness isn't about that. And to move forward from Stillness requires a measured approach.
When I connected with Stability, I felt Elephant step in and communicating with Elephant is quite interesting because part of the communication process is done through vibration and the paths of memory. So today for example Elephant on a journey of memory and used vibration to steer the course.
10-31-2017 Over the weekend Kat and I visit Lincoln City and one of the events we went was a Tour to Die For. It was fascinating because it had actors who portrayed people who had lived in the area talk about their lives and why they came to the area. Seeing those presentations really helped me with some ongoing situations because it reminded me that other people also fail and have to reset. And its not the end. Its only the end when you give up or die (and even in the latter case, maybe not so much).
I've also been working further with the dissolving breath while attuning myself to Elephant and stability and its interesting because there are little changes happening already that have just helped me focus and recognize the possibilities. Anything I do in the short term, will be just that, but I also have projects I'm eager to get back to and experiments I need to be working on. Steady pace though!
11-3-2017 I've been doing a lot of work with the Taoist Water Breathing meditation techniques and something I've decided to try is dissolving a behavior trigger. I started the work today. In doing the meditation on this behavior trigger, and the underlying narrative that supports it, I felt my stomach tense up. So I just focused on the breath and let it go down to my stomach and gradually release the tension. I recognized that this is a process that will take some time because this behavior trigger is deeply ingrained in my physiology. As I was doing the work, I felt Elephant's presence and support, which was reassuring in and of itself.
11-7-2017 In a very real sense, one of the challenges Stability is sending my way is the process of rebuilding, with an emphasis on stability. It's not easy work, because its forcing me to fully see some things which just aren't working. There's a lot of uncertainty in the picture, which seems odd, when you're working with stability., but actually makes sense in a way, because stability doesn't happen with certainty, but as an adaptation to uncertainty.
11-14-2017 This past weekend I attended a workshop by RJ Stewart on the Double Dragons. It seemed like an appropriate workshop to go to in conjunction with the Elephant working and Stability. It was an intense 2 days of ritual and throughout it, I had further opportunities to reflect on recent events and it helped me make some tough decisions. And sometimes that's what magic does...it pushes you to where you need to go. The ritual was very much about moving me where I needed to be.
And I'm still figuring that out, and in the process stripping away my own delusions and lies to myself. It's hard and it hurts, and its humbling.
11-15-2017 As I was swimming today I reflected on how in order to find stability I'm having to blow up the things that aren't providing stability. Yesterday I got rid of the Facebook groups and I'm in the process of stripping away everything else that has become dead weight to me, which is most of the marketing bullshit I've learned over the last couple of years. In a real sense I'm resetting with a blank slate and as chaotic as that might sound it also is the basis for stability. Get rid of the delusions, the dead weight and figure out what's left and work with that.
While I was away on the weekend retreat, I cracked open 2 books and both gave me some food for thoughts with my current transition. The Big Leap made me think about what my upper limit is for handling positive experiences is before I sabotage myself, and what I can do to recognize and change that upper limit. It actually helped me recognize as well how to get back to what is really important to me in my magical work. Big Magic, on the other hand, asked another relevant question, "Do I have the courage to bring forth the treasures within me?" It might seem obvious, because I've written lots of books and done other things, but again I've been reflecting on this question and using the reflection to consider my motivations for why I do what I do with my various interests. And again it helped me with the breakthrough with what's important vs what isn't important in my magical work. Still figuring it out with some other things, but I'm really finding that what I'm reading and working through is timely.
11-20-2017 The other night I was feeling a deep sense of despair. So I chose to dive into that feeling and did some water breathing meditation with it. Truly allowing myself to feel that emotion was hard, but it was also liberating. Instead of holding it back, I just let it wash over me. Since that night I've continued working with those feelings and the breathing meditation and its helping me get some further clarity as I work toward creating more stability.
11-21-2017 Well its the end of the first month with Stability. Working with Elephant this month has really been about clearing out the stagnant detritus that's been holding me back. You can't have stability without making some tough changes and being willing to step back and recognize what's contributing to the lack of stability. I feel raw, purified, cleaned, and refocused. And of course there's more work to do, but it feels good to be moving again.
