12-23-2017 Since I made the decision to stop comparing myself to others and start appreciating myself more, I've felt a sense of lightness and happiness and appreciation for my work that I've never ever felt before. I think I've been so busy trying to fit in for so long that it killed a lot of joy in my work. And now I'm simply belonging to myself and I look at the work I've done, am doing, and plan to do and I really, really like it. It's such a wonderful feeling.
12-26-2017 The other day Elephant told me I needed to just be sometimes, instead of trying to do so much. "What about all my work with Stillness?" I asked. You were still doing Stillness he told me...not really just being. And he's got a point.
So yesterday instead of thinking about all the things I could be doing, I just let myself be with whatever was happening. And there were definitely moments where I got more focused on doing, but just being turned out to be a lot more relaxing. So I tried it again today.
With doing, I seem to always be focusing on the next thing. With being I'm just in the moment, with whatever is happening. Elephant basically challenged me to do this for a month, so why not? Let's see what happens.
I'm also continuing to read the Big Leap. What I've been reading lately has been about identifying the upper limit behaviors that keep you from accepting a certain level of happiness. One insight he offered is that in a given conflict each person is 100% responsible for their own behavior. Seems simple, but in thinking about it, I can definitely see how much people try to evade their own responsibility, while trying to pin it on someone else. And yeah I've done that sometimes. So its something I'm going to pay more attention to.
And in thinking about conflict in general, I'm considering that what's on the surface level may not be what the conflict is really about. As well as looking at what can positively derived from conflict or anything else that matter that seems negative.
12-29-2017 I've been thinking a lot about what my zone of genius is, both as it pertains to my magical work and my life in general. The conclusion I've come to with the magical work is that my zone of genius is my writing and the magical experimentation I do. When I focus on those two things I'm happiest and most productive. And its where my unique ability seems to reside is in the experimentation, in seeing how magic can be taken apart and put back together in novel ways. So I'm going to keep focusing on that zone of genius with my spiritual work.
I've been talking with Kat about some of my recent work and her comments on it have helped me recognize where I need to go. You can know something, yet not know how to express it. And if you have the right person with the right questions, then you can figure out how to start expressing it, but also figure out what direction you need to go in, in order to share it.
1-1-2018 You either choose to show up or not show up. I've been thinking about that in relationship to the advice from Elephant to just be. Am I being with myself or my relationships or whatever else? Lately I've just been being with Kat and that choice allows me to show up in a way that I haven't always in the past, with anyone. If you're going to find stability you've got to show up.
1-2-2018 One of the benefits of the work I've been doing around vulnerability is that its helped me recognize the difference between genuine intimacy and shallow intimacy. I have to admit I'm really good at the latter. I can be intimate with a person to a certain depth and then I push them away. Genuine intimacy, on the other hand, is hard. Fortunately Kat's been pretty good at going deep with me and over time I've opened up to her more and to a certain extent also with people I consider to be close friends. But real intimacy brings with it real vulnerability and it does take time to truly show it to other people because you also have to learn how to be vulnerable and intimate with yourself, which again is no easy thing to do, but well worth the work.
1-3-2018 On the way to work I had an interesting realization that goes hand in hand with the previous one. I realized that with my business I felt increasingly distant and less connected to my clients and potential audience. The more I learned about online marketing and the tools the less connected I felt. And it didn't help that the people I was learning from provided at best the illusion of intimacy, but no real connection or effort to truly establish a relationship. Everything was about the illusion of intimacy, but not the reality of actual connection.
1-6-2018. In today's meditation with Elephant, he told me to pay attention to attachments I'm holding onto or engaging in which distract me from just being. He used the example of the attachment I still felt to a person who's now out of my life. While I've mostly let go, he showed me how there was still some attachment here and showed me how that attachment was really a distraction at this point. Then we looked at some other examples in other aspects of my life and it really helped me recognize how much attachment can keep a person from just being and discovering the natural rhythm of life.
1-13-2018 I've started reading The Power of Ted and continued reading The Big Leap. In the Power of TED, the author explores the drama triangle of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Reading about that triangle really got me thinking about how each of those roles has shown up in my conflicts with people. I can see where I've felt like the victim, but also been the persecutor and rescuer. In reflecting on them, I've thought of them as really blending into each other and yet they are distinct. Regardless I feel like I'm more aware of each role. Reading about this triangle fits hand in hand with the upper limit boundaries discussed in the Big Leap.
Speaking of those, I've been paying attention to how they sow up in my life. I feel like before I was unconsciously incompetent in regards to them, whereas now I'm consciously incompetent, which really just means I'm catching myself in them and recognizing the limits and how they are showing up. I'm still not entirely how I'll change them, but awareness is the first step and so I'm recognizing that. And I will give myself credit for realizing that a certain activity I was contemplating really isn't my zone of genius.
In the Big Leap the author also discusses the relationship we have with time. Reading that chapter helped me realize how often I complain about how I don't have time or not enough time. And that actually increases the time scarcity I feel. He says that instead a person should simply step full into the time they are in and own it and the space. In other words simply be present (which goes back to Elephant telling me to be). As a result I tried an experiment yesterday when I swam. Usually when I swim, I check the clock every few minutes because I allot specific increments of time to specific strokes, but this decreases my enjoyment and presence in the swimming. Yesterday I note the time, but stopped checking every few minutes. I simply focused on being present with the swimming. I enjoyed it a lot more and the time just seemed to expand and flow differently. It reminds me of the state of Flow, which happens when you do an activity you really enjoy (i.e. you are present in the activity). I notice it when I write or meditate, so I'm going to bring it into other areas of life as well.
The author also made an interesting point about stress and conflict, namely that they are caused by resisting acceptance and ownership of any part of ourselves or our life. And you know it actually does make sense, especially when placed in context to the drama triangle I mentioned above. I see it in several relationships I have, and also in my own internal tension. At this point is more awareness than anything else, but that awareness is really helping me make sense of behaviors and patterns I see in my life.
1-14-2018 I find it interesting that as I've been doing all this internal work I've been reading the Dune Saga, which has its own lessons to offer in particular about the dangers of elevating a person. Its a theme explored in depth, because the author is trying to make the point that people shouldn't elevate others, but instead should look to themselves for their own saving. And there's some wisdom in that.
Today I was thinking about a conflict I'm having with someone and I realized I had an upper boundary limit that stated I had no control. And I realized that's wrong. I do have control, not necessarily of the other person...but of my choices in how I deal with the situation, yes I have control. And so I can no longer rely on that excuse, but instead must consciously own my choice in that conflict.
1-15-2018 In The Power of TED, The author talks about how reactions work, and notes that when we think we're reacting to a problem, we're actually just reacting to the emotion about the problem. I think this is an interesting insight. In looking at it, I can clearly see the role my own anxieties and fears have played in the the Drama Triangle that the author discusses. Combining this awareness with upper limit boundaries also helps me see how such feelings reset the thermostat so to speak and stop me from enjoying my life.
In Essentialism, I've been exploring the question of what is essential vs what is non-essential. In tandem with the zone of genius what this has been helping me recognize is what is essential vs what isn't. Its helped me start to let go of some things I've held onto that I'm good at, but don't particularly enjoy or find all that meaningful to the work I'm called to do. I've done those things because I've felt like I've had to, but now I question that and like the answers I'm discovering.
On an entirely different note, In Western Inner Workings, I've learned a key piece of information about Suvuviel, the archangel of the Cord, also known as the archangel of Truth. He ties things together, but he's not a central figure. He's on the fringe, dealing with the risks and hard work to bring things together. It makes a lot of sense to me as to why I'm drawn to him, with that key insight.
1-18-2018 I've been reading The Sphere of Art by RJ Stewart. Well re-reading...and its amazing what you catch in a second reading. In my particular case, what I'm reading is bringing things together in some of the magical workings I'm engaged in and helping me understand why those tings are coming together. Of course that couldn't happen without the context of actually doing the work. Doing the work is what makes the understanding and connection happen.
1-20-2017 In one of my daily meditations, something I've been working on is allowing myself to do is allow the movement to work through me. What this means is that instead of forcing movement to happen, I'm allowing movement to happen through me. Doing this has allowed me to experience the working in a dynamically different way, and opened me to the work with the spirits associated with the meditation. I can't say more than that at this time, but this will be ongoing work and it does mesh with the stability work I'm doing as well, because an intrinsic part of the meditation is the establishment of a stable space/time null event.
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