9-26-16 Sometimes stillness meditation isn't about stillness, but is about the state of mind stillness puts me in. I won't be able to fully still my mind, but I can think about things that are on my mind in a way that allows me to put information together and make decisions differently than in my everyday consciousness. So I'll start thinking about a problem and come up with a solution in stillness meditation that would've taken me longer to achieve outside of it. It makes me realize that sometimes being still is really just allowing myself to look at a situation or problem differently.
10-1-16 The last few days I've felt like I've been in a whirlwind. There are so many ideas in my head, so much awareness around what I need to modify and change. It's a bit intimidating, to be honest, but I know I'm up for the challenge. And in the midst of all of it, just practicing stillness, becoming the calm center and keeping myself open to opportunity, while also staying focused on the prize.
10-4-16 The last few days I've been visually mapping what I'll be working on and how I'll be working on it. Doing that is helping me to wrap my head around the work I'll be doing over the next few months. I'm excited about the work and the possible results that will occur if I just knuckle down and do it.
10-5-16 Today it really hit me. I've once again decided to embark on some huge changes and there was this sense of fear and panic. I allowed myself to feel it, to fully step into it and it was terrifying. Change is terrifying and ironically in the midst of all this stillness work I've probably done more changing than I'd ever done before. Yet the lesson in all of this is really finding that center of stillness and still going through with the change. Stillness isn't about being static (or at least it shouldn't be). Stillness has taught me to be present with the change, to accept it for what it is and what it can do for me, but also not to just react to it. And feelings like fear and panic are reactions. So I can be still and feel those feelings and accept them and they may even inform some of why I act, but in being still with them I can get to the narrative underneath and start working with it.
10-14-16 The last couple of weeks I've been very focused on working on my online marketing. The light came on and I could see what I needed to do differently and that's pretty much informed everything I've done since then. I get this way on occasion, where the totality of my being is wrapped up in what I'm working on and I disappear into it. I suppose that's a kind of stillness as well. I haven't really felt still though. I've felt restless, my mind racing in a lot of a different directions. Not what you want when you're trying for stillness, but sometimes I'm just that way and I still strive to achieve stillness and I'm glad I do, because if I let a moment of restlessness stop me from doing the work than I've given up. If I keep trying though...there will days I won't hit stillness, but there will also be days I do.
10-18-16 Sometimes the best moments of stillness are found in the quiet moments you share with people who are important to you. You could cuddle with a lover or friend, or enjoy an experience and in that moment there's nothing to be said. It's just about appreciating you and the experience of the person with you.
10-19-16 Today I used ear plugs when doing my stillness meditation. It was interesting because suddenly all I could hear was my heart. It was a very intimate experience and I found myself paying close attention to my heart beat and using that to lead me to a place of stillness. I'll keep trying the ear plugs out and see what else comes up as a result.
10-20-16 Sometimes it is hard to be patient with myself. I'm working my way through a class that will help me make some differences to my business, but part of me wants it all done now and when I haven't made a lot of progress because of other circumstances, I get impatient. The thing is sometimes circumstances do come up and they have to be dealt with. This week a lot of domestic matters have come up that have required my attention because I'm the person holding down the home front. So part of stillness is reminding myself to be patient, get to the work when I can, but also take care of the home. And I also know that implementing what I'm working on will take time and its better to be thorough than to rush it.
10-21-16 Yesterday I didn't use ear plugs and today I did. The only noticeable difference so far is that the ear plugs make me more aware of my bodily rhythms, which is still significant in its own right. Still it's early to come to any conclusion, so I'll keep experimenting with them and seeing what happens over a longer period of time.
In other news I'm 40 today. I've been thinking about that a lot this month. I don't know if its really more significant or not, other than it marks the ending of my third decade of life and the beginning of my fourth. When I look back on my thirties I see a stormy beginning and then gradually my life stabilizing. I feel like I figured what I really want to do with my life, in my thirties, as well as who/what is really important to me. Now as I turn 40 I want the next decade to really be about bringing all of that together. I've had my struggles and successes...I've learned a lot and I look forward to continuing to learn even more.
Happy Birthday to me.