Photo by Marc Ignacio on Unsplash
I decided to take a class taught by Anastacia Nutt, called Endarkenment, which explores the process of settling into the rhythms of winter, among other things. I thought I would share here my notes and observations. I’ve purposely kept this post separate from the elemental balancing work, because it is its own thing and I want to honor it as such.
12-16-2019 I got sick a couple days before the endarkenment class started and on the day before, I lay in my bed, in the dark, feverish and afraid of the dark and yet opening myself to it nonetheless and letting it fill me. It felt a lot like stillness, like a sense of timeless infinity that poured through the entirety of my being and reminded me of how small I am and yet how intricately woven I am into this thread of life.
The next day, during the endarkenment class, I was somewhat recovered and chose to attend the class. During the meditations I didn’t really connect with anything obvious. I felt restless, my mind chattering everywhere, feeling a kind of existential threat perhaps and then I felt this vast darkness connect with me, the darkness between the stars and I realized that for me…that was part of my endarkenment.
Today after the Sphere of Art work, I did the first Endarkenment meditation. The temple of the North opened very easily, perhaps because in a way I was still so near to it, still trembling on the edge of life, from my bout of illness. I went to the outer court and I took the black ball of yarn and threw it over my shoulder and then I connected with my grandmother, on my mom’s side of the family. She died when I was a teenager and to feel her connect was surprising. I have always wondered how she would have reacted to my spiritual choices, yet here she was, waiting for me in the temple of the North. She took up the other end of the ball of yarn and and connected me with this ancestral current that I have never really paid attention to metaphysically. I opened myself to it and felt her hands on mine as she passed back the yarn. And I felt again that vast presence of the stellar darkness touching my soul, offering the comfort of the dark.
12-17-2019 Today I did the ancestor meditation again and my grandma came and held the cord. No other information was exchanged, just a sense of you got what you need from here for now, so move on to the next exercise. Duly noted ancestress O’mine.
12-18-2019 Today I connected with the nocturnal animal, which is part of this working. It turned out to be an owl, which makes sense because we actually have owls that we hear at night, plus the associations of the Owl with Athena.
12-21-2019 My nocturnal and adaptor animals are Bear and Fox respectively. The work has primarily just been making those connections, at this point, but I look forward to seeing where else it takes me.
12-22-2019 In today’s class I was given the message to be patient and persevere over the course of the next year, a good reminder that the path I’m on isn’t an overnight success type of path but one that requires steadiness and follow through. I also determined that the winter night star I should work with is the North Star, which falls hand in hand with the message I received.
12-23-2019 I meditated and connected with the nocturnal animal Owl and he lead me to the North Star, so that really does seem to be the stellar energy to work with, guiding me and focusing me on achieving a specific awareness around patience and perseverance. I find myself entering a state of receptivity and openness, while letting go of the obvious need and drive to do something.
12-28-2019 Most of my endarkenment work has been happening in my sleep practice. At night I dream of the North star and also the black bear. I feel very introspective and turned inward right now and it feels right. I think that to cultivate creativity, you necessarily must have time to just be inward.
1-1-2020 I had a vivid dream last night, where I really examined the people in my life, from the perspective of why they are in my life and what do they really want. I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationships in my life and the dream was just a furthering of that thought process, but it really helped me get further clarity on who matters and why.
1-10-2020 I’ve been continuing my endarkenment work, but I’ve also been sick and I’ve found it oddly appropriate especially when I did the meditation to Aesculapius and ended up working with his daughter Iaso, who is the goddess of recuperation and health. When I worked with her, she made me aware of my body and all the areas where I’m feeling something I need to work with. It helped me be even more aware of my body and I’m going to continue working with her.
1-11-2020 Got a full night of sleep, which has helped with my cold. While I was sleeping Iaso came to me in my dreams and laid her hands on me, doing healing work on my throat. I woke up this morning and felt much better, though tired. I also felt a pull toward the dawning light, a readiness to start turning outward again. It feels novel and fresh.
1-16-2020 I pretty much recovered from the illness, but the recuperation aspect has really emphasized the need to take things slow. I feel Iaso caution me not to push myself too fast, but instead to really focus on self-care. Interestingly enough I do feel this ties to my work with the north star and finding direction in my life, because part of finding that direction necessarily involves self-care as well and not things to such an extreme that I don’t have balance, something I have struggled with before.
1-31-2020 I haven’t written in this for a while, but its because I’ve been really focused on sphere of art work. Nonetheless, I’ve also felt myself stirring from the endarkenment, gradually facing forward and feeling renewed and recharged. What this work has really reminded me of is the necessity to sometimes go deep into myself so that I can come back, ready for the world and ready to share my work with the world. So here I am, ready.
2-2-2020 Wrapped up the Endarkenment course today and the final meditation as basically a closing of the door and moving onto the next step. I was already there and I told Kat that I felt like it happened once I switched over to Chockmah/Neptune/Ratziel in the sphere of art work. That switch superceded anything else I was doing. It makes sense. I got a lot out of the endarkenment work and its something I’ll pursue on my own in the future. Perhaps the most important aspect was simply giving myself the space to turn inward and find inspiration anew for when I was ready to turn outward again.