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In the last week and a half I’ve been engaged in an experiment around how I frame my past, in relationship to my present. This experiment came about as a result of reading The Courage to be Happy (affiliate link) In that book the author makes the point that people often use the past to define the present, justifying their current circumstances because of what previously happened. Certainly, this has been my own experience and I found myself in a place where I was feeling on edge because of events that had happened over the course of the last year.
The author makes the point that an alternate perspective can be adapted, where we consider what meaning a person’s present identity is giving to the past. He also argues that the past doesn’t exist, because its something that can’t be regained It is simply gone. Instead what happens is that people compile their past experiences and use them to justify their current sense of identity. Anything that runs counter to the present experience they want to cultivate is conveniently forgotten and ignored. Consequently what ought to be considered is that a person’s now defines their past as opposed to the past defining the present.
When I read this, it really blew my mind, because I recognized how much my feeling of edginess was based on the past experiences I was choosing to focus on and use to define my present experience. I decided as an experiment to adopt this understanding that the now defines the past and I asked myself what I wanted my now to be. I decided I wanted my now to be an experience of relaxation and joy, instead of that feeling of edginess. I adopted that identity and I used it to recompile my past experiences, filtering out whatever would cause me to feel on edge.
Doing this exercise proved to be quite helpful. As soon as I did it, the on edge feeling I’d been having dissipated, and I started to relax more than I have in a long time. I‘ve continued this practice for the last week and a half and the 180 degree change has stuck. It’s been quite refreshing to define my past based on the now Identity I have chosen to create. I haven’t erased my past, but I have let go of the experiences that don’t fall in line with the present identity I have assumed.
Of course, a valid concern that a person might bring up is the decision to be selective about one’s past memories and whether that ultimately takes away from the person’s identity. But I would argue that while a person’s identity is malleable, it can nonetheless be useful to let go of traumas that otherwise create an identity that is defined by the anxiety of those traumas. I don’t write that lightly, because I’ve had my own trauma experiences, and I know how they can embed themselves within the identity of a person. And sometimes it is necessary to revisit these traumas, especially as it relates to how they may show up in one’s interactions with other people. We never entirely erase our pasts, but what this nuanced understanding of the present can provide us is a way to transform our identities in a way that ultimately empowers us to be who we choose to be, instead of being defined by the past and all the weight it can bring with it.
There’s no overt magical technique for this process. Instead it simply comes down to making a decision about what will define your life: your past or your present, as well as deciding what identity you will assume. And again, it’s not that the choice to use the now to define the past erases what happened, but rather what it does is frame it within a context that enables us to decide how much the past should continue to have on who we are now, and who we could become.
