Taylor Ellwood Copyright 2022
In the last few months I have had a great opportunity present itself to me. I have come face to face with my neediness and co-dependent behavior and I’m going through this process to recognize and release the neediness in order to discover what I truly need. That probably sounds a little contradictory until you consider that the root issue of neediness is based in fear. When we feel needy, we often feel that way because we are afraid to discover ourselves and what we truly need.
This journey of mine has involved me learning even more about my relationship with fear. I already knew a lot about it, but I’ve come to recognize how fear is the root of neediness. When I feel needy or clingy, what is operating at the root of that needy clinginess is the fear I feel. Part of what has helped in doing this work is connecting with Saturn, because in a very real sense Saturn is an embodiment of fear.
In the Greco-Roman myths Saturn devours his children out of fear of being overthrown by one of them. The irony is that he precipitates the very behavior that he is afraid of. By choosing to consume his children, Saturn gives into his fear and lets it dictate his actions. The resultant overthrow by his children is a natural result.
We might not think of Saturn as an embodiment of neediness, but neediness is a natural extension of fear. It’s not the only extension, but when we look at any behavior that is operating from a place of attachment what we discover is that fear is at the root. And just as there is irony with Saturn and is attempt to prevent his overthrow by giving into his fear and consuming his children, there is also irony to be found in attachment, because what we cling to out of neediness and fear is ultimately lost because we distort it with the fear that we have around losing it.
But what I’m also finding is that when you aren’t in touch with what you genuinely need this also creates issues in your life and its easy to mistake neediness for need, without recognizing that the neediness actually conceals what you need. With neediness you are caught up in trying to avoid an experience or trying to protect yourself, whereas as with need, you are discovering what you actually need and working with that need in a way that is genuine and healthy for yourself, and for others. You are learning to stand on your own and be present with that need, but do it from a place of love.
I’ve also been working with Aphrodite and in that work I’ve been focused on self-love and learning how to open up to myself and be genuine with what I need from a place of expansiveness. Doing that work around self-love has also gotten me to reflect on what I need and why I need it, and ask myself where that need is operating from. Am I needing something because I am trying to avoid an experience or protect myself from it or am I needing something because its genuinely something that will nourish and help me? This is an important question to ask because it helps you separate neediness from genuine need.
The genuine need is a recognition that your need something, but also a recognition that you can find the answer to that need within yourself at least at the root level, whereas neediness in contrast focuses on try to get a need met externally and yet avoids taking responsibility for the need, because you’re placing it on something external to you. You can never fulfill neediness, because you’re always relying upon something outside of you, whereas you can fulfill a need by taking responsibility for addressing that need within yourself and finding a healthy balance with it, that allows to express the need but from a place of presence and awareness.
When you feel needy, identify the fear at the root of the neediness and then consider what the worst thing could be. If you are afraid of being lonely for instance, what is the worst thing about it? Being alone may cause you to get to know yourself differently if you embrace it, and as a result you can discover your needs, which allows you to enter into a different relationship with yourself and the world as well, because you aren’t trying to fill something in or avoid an experience. Instead you accept it, learn from it, and show up able to speak to what really matters instead of just clinging to whatever you find. The same logic applies to any other experience of neediness you have. Identify what that neediness is, identify the fear underneath the neediness and change your relationship to it. What you change is your identity with that need, and you can enter into a healthier relationship that allows you to meet the need from within and express it in a way that doesn’t cling or attach, but instead welcomes genuine and deep connection both with yourself and whoever and whatever you choose to express that need to.
