Picture copyright Taylor Ellwood 2021
1-22-2021 I switched over to working with the alchemical substances for the moon. I’ve also figured out how to integrate Bua Gua into this work as well as some work with elemental spirits. I’m feeling rather excited at the possibilities of what could be done with this work and the evolution of my work with the sphere of art as well. I also ended up doing some dream work, which was appropriate with working with the moon. That dream work helped me have a pivotal realization around my own sense of worth and how I’ve let that be compromised sometimes. That realization will help me make better choices with how I take care of myself and with the people I allow into my life on a personal level.
1-25-2021 In the Happiness Trap the author makes an important point: We aren’t good or bad people and the arbitrary value judgments we place on ourselves creates a tension within ourselves when we feel a need to label ourselves as good or bad. This got me thinking about how I’ve labeled myself in the past, and how those labels have shaped my identity in ways that have ultimately been more harmful than helpful. So I’m giving myself space NOT to label myself as good or bad, but simply to be and to allow myself to let go of those values judgments of my identity and instead recognize that I’m simply a person who has made choices, and instead of even defining those choices as good or bad, I’ve simply acknowledged that those choices have had consequences and impacts that should be noted and considered carefully. It’ a different way of looking at things, but its helpful.
I also found myself practicing expansion into the emotions I was feeling, which allowed me to then release them. It’s helping me not compartmentalize the emotions and experiences, but at the same time allowing me to make space for the moment. It’s easier than how I’ve handled emotions in the past, even though it’s also more vulnerable and scary in a way, because I am truly stepping into the experience instead of just suppressing it.
Another tool which is proving helpful comes from The Obstacle is the Way, where the author asks what you really have control over. Though I’ve learned this lesson numerous times, I find it helpful to revisit it because sometimes the best way to handle a situation is to simply acknowledge what you truly have control over and what you don’t have control over. I have control over myself and how I choose to respond to a situation, even if sometimes I fall under the illusion of thinking I don’t. But I don’t have control over anything else…I might be able to effect some variables, but even so, there’s a simple truth that a person has to acknowledge at some point: Control is an illusion, but what you do have is a choice in terms of how you personally approach a situation and what you do in that situation. I’m working on getting better at that.
1-26-2021 I find that my emotions can simultaneously be a barometer to my connection to my truth and also obfuscate that truth. On the one hand the emotions of the moment can indicate whether I’m really in touch with my truest self and yet also can be something I’m so caught up in that I’m letting them dictate my identity instead of making space for them and separating them out from the actual experience. On such days, like today, I remind myself to be patient and do the best I can. It’s all any of us can do.
1-27-2021 Today I was working with the alchemical substances of silver in the SOA and afterwards I did Gods Playing in the Clouds. It was interesting to note how the energies meshed with each other. It was smooth and seamless, and it makes sense. Afterwards I meditated and found that this work strengthened the internal work I’ve been doing lately.
1-28-2021 In Gods Playing in the Clouds, the movements are spherical, designed to work by first stabilizing the internal energetics of the body, by opening the cavities and joints and dissolving the energy gates, until the sphere can be internalized to the Dan Tien. Then from the Dan Tien, the sphere is radiated outward to the etheric body of the practitioner. When this is combined with the Sphere of Art, the external environment around you is primed with the specific spiritual forces you are working with then, and then combined with the etheric body of the practitioner and ultimately brought back into the Dan Tien and synthesized through the physical and energetic layers of the person. This creates a unique fusion of external and internal energies through multiple dimensions of a person’s being.
On a different note, working with the lunar energies of Yesod and the alchemical properties of Silver has produced an intriguing result in my dreams. I’ve been able to recall memories from when I was 5 and 6 years old. Previously these memories were blocked out. Fortunately most of the memories are happy ones, a couple birthday parties, and me wandering outside and playing with neighborhood kids, though a few reminded of the less pleasant aspects of my relationship with my father and stepmother.
1-29-2021 Connection takes work. This is something I meditated on today. When you meet someone, connection is initially easy, seemingly effortless, but that’s because it’s new and what you’re really connecting with is how the person makes you feel. At some point though you actually have to develop the connection and go beyond that initial fantasy to something deeper. And that takes work, because genuine connection requires that you look beyond yourself and actually focus on what draws you to a person and also what pulls you apart so you can work through whatever comes up.
1-30-2021 I chose not to do qi gong today and just into meditation. What I noticed is that the meditative state isn’t as deep and that the connection with the qi and the external energies isn’t as seamless. It’s god to verify these things by taking something out sometimes so that you can better appreciate what you do and why you do it.
2-3-2021 I’ve lately been considering my values and how living those values plays an essential role in connection and truth. I can’t safe I’ve always lived by values, because sometimes I haven’t, but as I’m continuing to explore what my truth and connection is and how I live it, I naturally consider what my values are and if I am living them. For example, being humble is a value that has become very important to how I live my life. I, in turn, am applying this awareness to my work and other activities and recognizing how those activities can become opportunities to embody and live the values that I want to have speak through me.
2-5-2021 Today I meditated on the feeling of dislike that I have for myself. It was hard to work with that feeling. So often I’ve compartmentalized it, but I realize that if I want to have a true connection with myself and other people I have to be willing to face the parts of myself that I’ve otherwise walled away and integrate with them. It wasn’t easy work to be present with that part of myself, but I embraced the emotion and was present with it, without the need to judge or think…simply feel, accept, and release. I was in a funk for a bit, but I talked it over with Kat and that helped as well.
2-7-2021 I’ve been reading both The Body Keeps the Score and The Happiness Trap. In the former book, it’s helping me identify the physiological systems that really effect me. I’m learning to tune into those systems better, to make sure that I don’t freeze up or bottle away the sensations and awareness that I need to continue to cultivate. I’ve spent so much of my life bottling up what I feel and locking it away until it explodes and that keeps me from connecting my values, which the latter book is helping me recognize as essential to my overall well being. And if one is to design a life, then doing so around values can be very helpful.
I’ve also been continuing to read the 48 Laws of Power and I continually marvel at how the various laws describe my dad and how he showed up in my life and others. I see the value of such axioms in situations of power, but living your life that way just leads to a life of loneliness.
2-10-2021 Today is one of those days where I’m struggling with the guilt I feel around past actions. I feel depressed and its an overwhelming feeling. I’m using the skills from ACT and the Sedona Method to help me feel the emotions without letting them take over too much, because I know that letting such a state hit me too hard gets me thinking about making decisions that don’t really help anyone. So I’m breathing deep, acknowledging the emotions and then choosing to go about my day like I normally would. You would think that would be easy, but sometimes it is the hardest thing to do.
2-11-2021 While practicing Gods Playing in the Clouds today I was listening to a video where Bruce Frantzis talked about extreme yin and yang emotions and how they could be violent. He also talked about how a pre-natal baby could be influenced by the experiences and emotions the mom was going through. It gave me a lot to think about, because my mom was depressed and sick through much of the pregnancy with me. I also considered the events of the summer from the perspective of the extreme emotions I was going through. It doesn’t justify my actions and choices, but it does explain a lot of the craziness I was feeling at the time.
2-18-2021 We lost power for a few days because of the winter weather. The time being unplugged gave me a lot to think about in relationship to my writing, qi gong and other activities. Being thrown out of your normal routines can be useful because it allows you to recognize how those routines are serving you and also hurting you. In my case, its leading to making a couple changes in what I do each week and I think that will ultimately benefit me.
2-20-2021 In a Taoist meditation Bruce Frantzis discussed the difference between wanting and having. The wanting of something can excite you, but once you have it, you may not appreciate it as much, because you have it. It makes me think of how the fantasy of something can be more powerful than the reality of it, and it also caused me to reflect on things I’ve bought in the past and how I got caught up in the desire for those things, but once I had them, I didn’t necessarily appreciate them as much.
2-21-2021 I had a realization as I was doing qi gong today. You can spend a life trying to find connection in all the wrong places, without realizing that where connection starts is within. Until you learn to connect with yourself, all of you, and really be present with yourself and honest with yourself, how can you connect with anyone else?