4-22-2021 Today I moved into working with the alchemical aspects of the sun. I feel it’s appropriate because I’m at the dawn of my new life, with the sun beginning to show me the way forward. I don’t know how I’ll get where I’m going yet, but I see some possible ways forward. And I am focused on my connection and truth to lead the way forward.
4-25-2021 The last few days I’ve been doing a lot of door dash, but I’ve also had the opportunity to talk with a friend of mine, S. V.. We ended up talking for a few hours but our respective life changes and other such things and it was good to have such a discussion and also discuss possibilities. Today I took the day off from driving so I could work on some projects, but most importantly I made time to read and paint, and go for a walk. The relaxation is as important as the work, it fuels the work and makes for better manifestation.
I feel a sense of calm and peace pervading my being. Some of that has come from a session with Ingo Komenda, and some of it is my own continual internal work. I haven’t felt this free to just be in quite some time, and it makes me reflect and recognize that as sad as recent changes have been, I think they have been necessary changes. I move forward into the unknown, with anticipation and excitement for what possibilities I’ll discover, what experiences may be had, and enjoy the journey, letting the light of the Sun guide me.
4-26-2021 I went for a walk under the fool moon and as I walked my spirits also walked with me, speaking to me, through me, with me. I will never again compromise myself for someone else, and box part of myself away. I will never again let other people use me because they’re drawn to my light or to my standing in the occult community. My first love is the magic, my writing, my art, my music, and my poetry. To that I will hold true and let everything else settle around it as it may…
4-27-2021 I miss my cats. I might get one of them once I get settled, but the rest I probably will only see a couple of times again. And tonight I feel alone. Actually, I’ve always felt alone to some degree. I was told the other day that a lot of the people in the larger occult community don’t really get me and I believe it…and even when there is some glimmer of understanding, its for only part of the puzzle. I don’t know that I will ever encounter someone else who has the same curiosity, drive and all the other things…and I know some people might say it’s good to be unique, but when you feel alone enough that you feel like you’re always looking from the outside to what’s in, you just feel alone. It’s no wonder though I’m drawn to the other people on the outskirts. Maybe we don’t fully understand each other, but we understand THAT about each other. It’s some comfort, on occasion.
4-28-2021 Working with the alchemical solar essence this month is interesting. It’s showing me the way, but also showing me my shadows, as if I’m not already intimately aware of them. This moment of my life is one where I’m really facing my fears and and then making choices to move forward. I’m hustling (I hate that term, but its true) to put together a freelance writing business and hustling to put services together and basic just myself up to be somewhat stable. And it probably seems like I’ve got my act together. But I don’t. I wake up and I put myself out there, because I’ve got no choice. There’s no safety net, no assurances, nothing.
I’m pushing myself to my max right now and I can handle it…I have to handle it, because there’s no luxury to be miserable and sad and upset about the divorce or anything else. I do have my moments of grief and anger and realization, but it’s all squeezed in, in the midst of focusing on making sure I’ve got the basics covered while trying to make a move with the freelance writing. And with the freelance writing there is the fear that no one will hire me, but so what…how is it really different from any other time I’ve hit bottom? Right now I’m on the edge and I either jump or I cling to the edge, with some false comfort. I’ll jump every time, because somehow I’ll land on my feet, and if I don’t well, then it’s my time to move on to whatever the next journey is.
I just got to keep trying…at some point, in this life, I will hit yes. I imagine any of you reading this really don’t expect to read that. Haven’t you hit yes, with your books etc? In some ways I have, but even when I think I have things figured out…well I guess I’ve learned time and again that there is no certainty in life, not really. You do the best you can, you adjust and adapt, and yeah you utilize magic to get you results, but there are no guarantees. Does it disappoint you to read that and see a magician be so honest? The occult, like anything else, is a shell game in a way and I refuse to play such games.
I’ve walked my own path and been open about it because to do anything else, to front, and act like you’ve got it altogether is just ridiculous. And so many people do it, because they’re so afraid to be open, to be vulnerable, to truly speak, but when you have everything ripped away, when your own sense of assuredness is taken away, you learn quick to really see yourself in the shadow and the light. I wish I could tell all of you that I’ll pull things off and be successful, but I don’t know and I’m actually okay with that. I’ll do the best I can with what I’ve got and if people want to judge me for that, have at it…it’s not like I haven’t been judged my entire life anyway. All I can do is take one step at a time and keep moving forward. All I can do is work with the tide instead of fighting it.
That’s really where so much has changed. I’ve learned to ride the circumstances of life, work with, instead of resist…it’s not about imposing will over reality, but instead embracing reality and finding the cracks that lead to the possible, and opening them to let the possible become reality. I don’t expect all of you will get this, or even a lot of you, because its not how magic is typically taught or done, but I guess that’s the point. I’ve always had to walk my own path and I realize more than ever that in walking that path, going down the routes I go, the ways I think, and all the rest…I was always going to be alone. I am alone…I am that I am…Eheieh. And whatever happens…I’ll figure it out, somehow or I won’t and so it goes.
I can be brave enough to handle that and accept the fear as a gift, because no matter what it may help someone else. That’s why I’m so open, because if even one person realizes they aren’t alone, what they’ll also realize is that maybe there is hope…and if I can take that loneliness that I am all too familiar with unto myself and perhaps show you through my mistakes and my successes that nonetheless there is a way forward…maybe even discover myself a path where I’m not alone, well that could be worth all of this work. I don’t know if I’ll find that path, but I’ll keep trying and I’ll keep asking questions, and being curious and taking chances and putting myself out there, because it’s what I’ve got working for me, what’s in my corner.
4-29-2021 Today I felt helpless, so I called my mom and talked with her for a while. That helped a lot and I just hit a point today where things became a lot easier. I’m taking all of this day by day. It’s powerful and exciting and scary all at once. I’m molting and what is coming out…I can’t really say, but it is new and old all at the same time.
The hollow of the solar plexus feels really active through this process. It’s always been one of the most sensitive parts of myself.
4-30-2021 I’m going to sign divorce papers today and that’s it…the end of my second marriage, and most likely the last time I ever get married. If it ever happens again it’ll be for purely practical reasons. There’s a scene in A Beautiful Mind, where John Nash is walking away from the library. There’s a crowd of people gawking at him, making fun of him and one of his hallucinations is yelling at him. The hallucination mocks him as the “great John Nash!” I feel that way right now. I made the right choice though for all people involved and less than a month into all this, I’m figuring out my next steps. All I can do is move forward and to those who would mock or point fingers or judge, just remember you’ll be in the same space one day. We all are eventually.
I signed the paperwork and afterwards I felt this tension drain away, and a sense of relief and release. The ending and the beginning.
5-1-2021 Today in the car I reflected on my damage. Part of me feels broken. She understood that about me as I understood it about her, because of our experiences. She was the first person to really understand that about me and that was one reason I was drawn to her. I realize now that in some ways I compromised on myself because of that and also feeling seen by her for me, and not for the more surface things that have drawn people in the past. The compromises I made weren’t necessarily healthy ones though and if I had been more honest with myself, perhaps things would have been different. It’s lesson to learn and at the same time I wonder if I should just be alone for the rest of my life. It would certainly make things simpler in some ways. At the same time I realize I really don’t want to be alone. I’ve been thinking a lot about my magical community and how I can grow it, and what all of us can do together. There are possibilities there and perhaps in such fellowship I can find something of what I’m looking for, while also continuing my dedicated work to the magic.
I’m working on Inner Alchemy of Internal Work and I realized I needed to refer to the Dzogchen practices, especially because of how much they’ve influenced my experiential embodiment work and as I’m reading through the source material, I realize a lot of what’s being described is what I’m doing. I’m not trying to solve my problems. I’m just being with them and just letting them go until they don’t become problems. It really hits me that this is exactly what I need to be doing with this experience. I’m not trying to get out of it, or escape it or get somewhere else. I’m just taking my time and being where I am. When I drive during the day I ironically have no place to go. I’m just there, in the car, present with whatever is coming up and at some point it just melts away because there’s nothing else to do but become still and hold space and then go into emptiness.
5-2-2021 I did some bua gua line walking today while outside. Just line walking, but I noticed how it immediately quieted the mind and made me receptive to the elemental energies in the area, which began to flow toward me. I also felt She Who Watches and Suvuviel, more so her than him, and she told me to stop doubting who and what is coming into my life and start trusting the process they are bringing through me to carry me where I need to go. It was a good reminder to me. I can sometimes let my doubts undermine me and right now that’s really the last thing I need.
5-3-2021 Today I work up feeling sad and missing her. I had an interview, which I aced, but I’m not sure if I’ll take the job. If I do, it’ll just be a short term solution. Then I went driving and as I drove I just sat with my pain and sadness, using the Dzogchen practice to just be without trying to analyze or solve the problem. And the pain and sadness melted away and I felt this great sense of contentment and peace. I noticed that the door dashing became very easy and at the end of my day, I wanted to end in a specific geographic area, near a car wash and that’s where I ended, with enough time to get the car washed and then visit with friends and it made me laugh delight, because I decided to let go of my ego and just trust in what is larger than me. I found myself where I needed to be.
5-4-2021 I had a realization this morning as I was waking up. I recognized how different relationships in my life have sometimes been defined more by the tension and my relationship with it, or the other person’s relationship with it, than us actually being present with each other. I had moments of presence with people, but a fair amount of any relationship has been defined by the tension and my relationship with it. It’s really quite profound and I will meditate on it today during my drive.
So I did meditate on what I wrote above while I drove and I found that when I held space with the tension and didn’t try to fix it or solve…just became with it, it inevitably dissolved and I felt this sense of contentment and non-attachment. I’m going to remember to do this from now on, with people in my life. I think it wouldn’t necessarily fix every situation, but it would help me show up better and that could be a good thing in and of itself.
And I went for a walk when I got back from driving and did more Ba Gua line stepping. I felt myself relax into it and the elemental energies started to pour through me. I didn’t do anything other than walk and mediate but it was a fascinating experience.
5-5-2021 I’ve got some opportunities presenting themselves and it’s just effortless. Everything I’m doing right now is just the beginning of something new. I feel like I’m being called out by the universe, by my spirits and my creativity is rocketing, because I’ve got no choice but to be creative in my soulutions (heh).
5-7-2021 The last few days have been hard. I’ve been being present with a lot of emotional stuff coming up and not trying to solve it…I just being with it. It makes me appreciate why people want to solve issues, because at a certain point it becomes frustrating to just be present with something without doing anything about it. Yet trying to solve it is often going through the motions, without necessarily accomplishing something. It may give you a sense of progress when there really is none. I’m trying to be patient and really just sit with it and it is helping me recognize the baggage around specific people in my life.
5-9-2021 It’s mother’s day and it’s odd for me because this year I don’t have to celebrate it in some meaningful way. I’ve had to in the past, and its always felt like an obligation, because this person in my life wants acknowledgement for something that at least for me is not something I really want to acknowledge, but have to because she’s got kids and this day must be acknowledged. Now it’s just another day for me, and yeah I acknowledge my mom, but that’s about it. I feel like so many layers are falling away this month from my life and its refreshing for me, because I’m not being contained or constrained or otherwise defined by things I really don’t care for.
I was reading Stillness is the Key and the author makes this excellent point about pushing away the willful will and letting go. And this really is my great work at the moment. I am letting go, continuously and discovering through the letting go the very solutions I might have otherwise grasped for, and yet missed. The less we hold on to attachments, the more easily we find exactly what we need…and get the results we want, because we aren’t trying to force it. We’re relaxing into it.
5-10-2021 I felt this sense of great relaxation today and it just made the day go by…and it also reconfirmed the continued evolution of my magical practice and where it needs to go and why I need to continue to show it to others.
5-11-2021 Life is beginning to come into focus. I am happier than I’ve been for a long time. The quote from Anthony Hopkins really laid out my new policy when it comes to the people in my life, but it also reflects a higher spiritual truth that I’ve been working with around letting go of attachment and force, and instead surrendering to the flow and iterating on the existing patterns that are already there. The more I let go of attachment, the stronger my truth and connection is to what really matters, to how I will live the rest of my life and to the community and work I will pursue.
5-12-2021 Got into a car accident today and it hit home how alone I am I didn’t really have anyone I could call or talk with about what happened. I didn’t have anyone worried about me (not really) or waiting to comfort me. It’s just me, myself, and I now. At one time I was used to that, and now I’m used to having someone, but I don’t have someone. Maybe someday I will again…maybe not. I feel really alone right now. Somehow I’ll find my way. That’s what I got to do, what I got…persistence.
5-14-2021 I’ve been missing K a bit more poignantly than before. I know it’s because of the car accident and that feeling of being alone. I don’t regret my choice to put my mental health first because I’ve seen the difference and other people have noticed it as well. Still I also feel alone…then again in some ways I felt alone with her anyway. Part of the loneliness is that I’ve never really found the partnership I’ve wanted and looked for. I’m thinking about that a lot and really considering if it’s just something that’s unrealistic. I have a romantic’s heart though, and nothing will change that.
Got into another car accident today and this time the person didn’t even stop. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that today inspiration came to me for the magical working I need to do…I’ve gotten everything lined up. Now its time to turn some possibilities into reality.
5-15-2021 I am such a fool when it comes to women. I see my white knight complex for what it is, but I also see how easily taken advantage of I am. I’ll give my all and get so little in return, for the most part. I reflected on that today as I drove around and came to the realization that I’m going to change my interactions when it comes to how generous I am with anyone. If someone wants what I can offer they can show me that they’re willing to give as much as they could get from me.
I also thought about M.S. There are times I’ve wanted to reach out to her, but I know it’s a bad idea. Down that road lies obsession and I’ve struggled enough with that as it is. She is my ultimate lesson, the reminder of why I must be careful with my heart and my soul. She hurt me as no one else ever has or ever will again. I know I will love again, because I can’t help but want companionship and to have people to share the most intimate parts of myself, but I’m being a lot more careful than I used to be. I won’t compromise myself for anyone else ever again and I won’t let someone get me to the point that I consider ending everything.
5-16-2021 I’ve been listening John Terlazzo’s music a lot lately. I have most of his music and it appeals to the romantic within me, but also to the mystic. I actually had the pleasure of meeting him once and I’ll confess I might someday go back to York, PA just to hear him in concert. That or find some way to get him out to the West coast because his music is magic. I find it to be another source of comfort and spiritual nourishment at this time of my life and I’m so glad that I discovered his music so many years ago.
I learned more about the wood element in qi gong. I did H & E qi gong as I was listening to the videos and it was fascinating because it changed my experience of H & E. I could draw on and feel the qi of the wood element in the movements. I ended up applying that energy to a magical working to help me grow into some specific opportunities.
5-17-2021 Today one of my friends shared that she felt like she was a failure at life. And I really resonated with that today because I also was feeling that way. I saw K today because I decided it was time to transfer the car insurance and phone to my name. It was hard to see her. I still love her and I miss her and seeing her today threw the whole day out of whack. I ended up being reactive in a situation where I should have just pulled back and licked my wounds. Reading the Daily Stoic entry of the day reminded me I’m a work in progress and that helped. I’ve also been reading Wintering and the author made a point about realizing that life isn’t always fair and that we all suffer at some point. And here I am today, suffering, missing this person I love and some of that is due to my own mistakes and failings, and some of it is stuff I had no control over.
I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard, to miss her so much, but grief has its own process and this winter I’m in is not something that will just go away. I have to process it, accept it and move forward, but as I must remind myself sometimes there will be bad days and perhaps the best thing I can do is keep those bad days to myself. In the wintering book, the author says that when everything is broken its also up for grabs…and right now that’s where I’m at, realizing what is up for grabs in the refuse and detritus of my life as I knew it. I don’t know what I’ll find, but that’s the joy and sorrow of all this. The broken parts will fall away and what is left will be what I carry forward.
5-18-2021 I had a bit of a meltdown in the car today. Part of it was feeling sad about K and I and part of it was being hard on myself for not having things together enough. In the case of the former I ended up texting a friend, asking if I made the right choice, and she pointed out that I already knew the answer but also gave me a little pep talk which helped. In the case of the latter, I really just need to remember that I’m only 5 weeks into this process and I’ve already paid off any debt I had, gotten all my bills in my name and that I’m actively looking for working, while also bringing in some income. I’m actually doing pretty good, all things considered. It just feels a bit intimidating to be on my own again.
5-19-2021 I was reading Stillness is the Key this morning, specifically the story about Tiger Woods and how he was raised. I could relate to some of it I grew up being called a disappointment, regularly. It’s not the same as his story, but reading about his struggles and how he couldn’t feel satisfied with what he had. He could never figure out what enough was. I used to be that way, used to feel emptiness. I don’t anymore and I have a much better idea of what enough is and how it looks in my life. It is something which guides me and my work, now, where before it didn’t. And it makes me glad I’m reading up and learning about Stoicism, and applying these virtues to my life even more. It’s not easy work, but its worth doing and it brings me a level of peace that previously eluded me.
I also realized my meltdown was perfectly normal. I have been in survival mode for the last month and change, and when I went to the place I called home and realized it wasn’t home anymore and saw the cats, which barely recognized me and saw my ex, it hit me hard. I have lost these relationships and this place. But I am finding myself and a purity of vision and focus that I know is worth it.
Reading more of Stillness is the Key, what I’m struck by is how it is never too late to live a life of virtue. Yes, I’ve done some questionable things and made some bad choices. I definitely have some regrets, but it’s never too late (until you die) to make different choices, to live a different way. I’ve been gradually making such changes for some time, letting go of the need to be recognized and figuring out what enough looks like, but now I have this opportunity, in redefining my life, to truly embrace and explore what really matters to me, and define the work I do from here out from the virtues that matter most to me, while living my life by those virtues.
5-20-2021 Tonight I did some qi gong while studying for the coming weekend and I heard the phrase, “Turn it inward and let go,” in relationship to anger and fear and I did that and I realized a lot of the anger (not all) is toward myself, for feeling taken advantage of yet again and allowing that to happen. I realize I need to firm my boundaries up around my generous nature. The Anthony Hopkins quote helps and I’m reading it each day, imprinting it on my soul and evaluating the people coming in my life wanting things from me.
5-21-2021 Today was the first of the Wood element workshop. I found it interesting to work with both the ligaments and tendons of the body and to notice how each felt in relationship to the stress and tension I’ve felt, and also how releasing them also released the tension and stress. I see some definite applications here and I’m really excited by this work and how it can help my overall quality of life this feels like a good note to end this month on.