Archangel Tzaphkiel Copyright Taylor Ellwood 2020
12-24-2019 Tonight as I mediated this energy, I was reminded how important it is to observe and be aware of my passions, without letting them take over. Saturn’s appropriate for that because of the boundaries and limitations. Here is where power is given away for form, where potential turns into reality.
12-26-2019 I’m finding myself experiencing a curious sense of stillness and quiet…a healthy sense of it and an awareness of the value of turning inward and focusing on rest and rejuvenation. At the same time I find myself focusing even further on the essential and what really matters. Sometimes we must necessarily get rid of the clamor of the world to discover what really matters.
12-29-2019 Today I ended up meditating about an experience I had when I was 18, when I was caught shoplifting. This is the anniversary of that day so I usually end up thinking about that experience and what it taught me and how glad I was to have it. I know that seems odds, but getting caught was a wakeup call for me. So I meditated on it today and realized how different my experience likely was compared to a person of color. I was left with a slap on the wrist for all intents and purposes. Realizing the privilege I had even in that situation made me recognize all over again the lesson of that situation, but also how that lesson could have really gone.
12-31-2019 I feel quiet. Working with Saturn/Binah/Tzaphkiel combined with the endarkenment work is tuning into the deeper rhythms of balance and finding harmony with where I am, while acknowledging the continual work I am doing. I feel focused and pleased with how the writing has taken off, and how my magical practice has continued to evolve. I’ve got this roadmap and it’s really not about dong what everyone else does, but it is about trusting the current and working with it, instead of trying to conform reality to my will. I know that probably sounds so against what magic is about, but I think its a deeper expression of magic, where you tap into something and let it work through you and discover in the process that your life changes and aligns where you need it to go. I feel humble and grateful for the last few years. I didn’t realize it initially, but I now realize the changes that have happened in the last few years have been some of the best things that happened to me, because I’ve been stripped away of what I didn’t need, so I could discover what is essential. And now that’s all that’s left. No distractions, no ego, nothing, but the magic and the writing.
1-4-2020 I’ve been reading the Fiction Formula by Johnny B Truant and Sean Platt. They speak directly to me in terms of the love of writing and wanting to tell stories. Last night I considered this as I recognized again that unless I feel a particular call to create a class and teach it, I don’t really see myself going back down the route of coaching, consulting or teaching. The work with Saturn emphasizes this as well, because recognizing your boundaries and limitations necessarily requires you to focus on the essential. What lives within those boundaries and limitations.
1-6-2020 In tonight’s meditation Tzaphikiel showed up and proceeded to show me the different ways I sabotage myself. He told me I’ve made progress with some of them, but still have a ways to go and that these things are what takes away from focus and the writing. And he’s right. Those things do take away from my writing and focus. I’m intimately aware of them and I have made some progress, but I also see the progress I need to make. He also told me the conversation I had at the fitness center was as much for my benefit as the benefit of the person I was talking with. It reminded to stay humble and not to be sure I know the answer.
1-8-2020 One of my worst flaws is the sense of competition and jealousy that I sometimes feel in regards to other authors. The other day I saw a couple of these authors exchange comments on Facebook about what conventions they’d be presenting at and I felt a bit jealous, because I’m not going to any conventions now and I’m not likely to be invited to one any time soon. Then I had two realizations. The first one is below:
We must be aware of our deficits, of the moments of weakness that inevitably all of us experience, so that we can hold compassionate space with that part of ourselves, without acting on the inclination to lash out or expressed our woundedness in a way that hurts others and/or ourselves.
We must remember that the wound does not define the identity, but is just a part that needs some attention and space, so that it can be honored and expressed in a way that heals instead of perpetuates.
The second realization is that my approach is now asymmetrical. I’m focused on disrupting the space I’m in…perhaps I always have been, but more so than ever, that is how i’ll get ahead by doing things differently than what everyone is doing. It’s not an easy path, but then when has my path ever been easy…yet nonetheless I persist and trust that the slight edge will carry the day.
1-10-2020 I finished reading Dragons of the Hourglass Mage, which is a book about Raistlin Majere. As I’ve been re-reading and in some cases reading news books about this character, it’s made me realize how much he’s shaped my magical path. At one point he expresses that he wants to be free to walk his own path and that stands out to me, because I do walk my own path. It’s felt really appropriate that this month’s work has actually involved working in some ways with the recognition of this character and his impact on me. He chooses to walk his own path because that path offers him a chance to truly pursue his own ambitions. I walk my own path for similar reasons.
1-16-2020 I’ve been struggling with some internal demons the last few days, ones that Tzaphikiel brought to my attention and I see the impact they have on me in terms of distracting me from writing and everything else important in my life, but I also recognize they are speaking to narratives that need to be addressed. They wouldn’t be there otherwise. So I’m taking some time to observe, and be present and work through the expressions to get to the narrative. It all feels appropriately saturnian.
1-20-2020 One of the lessons I keep coming back to over the last couple of years is the lesson of control and letting go of the need to be in control, because I recognize that I don’t necessarily have control of the situation. It’s a hard realization to sit with, especially when you practice magic, because what is magic if not an attempt to get control? Yet I’ve also found that letting go of control is crucial to some of the magical work I’ve done, because in letting go and accepting I’m not in control it opens me up to possibilities that would otherwise be out of range. So when I feel the need to be in control rear its head, I let go, because trying to be in control is like fighting the ocean. You won’t get very far.
In letting go I find that I can work with the direction I’m going in, which in turn provides me opportunities to take a situation and make it work for me. I’m letting go of trying to be in control of the situation, but in accepting the situation, I nonetheless find opportunities that let me get something from the situation and steer my way toward something that I want. It’s a different approach, but it works, if you let go of the upfront need for control and accept that its an illusion anyway.
Saturn copyright 2020 Taylor Ellwood