6-20-14 When I was working with my spirit cord today, I felt it pulse and sync with my heart beat. It was quite an interesting experience and not something I'd previously felt in my work with the spirit cord. I also continued my work around regret. I dove in really deep today with that blockage that's by my navel, and I felt it continue to loosen up and as it did I experienced some memories and feelings about a couple of people and choices I'd made around those people. It was hard to feel those emotions, to be in those memories, but I let myself relax into them and as I did, I allowed myself to acknowledge and feel those emotions instead of avoiding them. I felt some sadness and a sense of responsibility that I had previously denied or tried to foist on someone else. Instead I chose to accept the responsibility. There's still work to do around it, but I felt taking that step was significant enough in its own right.
6-23-14 Regret is a form of fantasy, in some sense, and I find that as I delve into this work that some regrets turn into a sense of fantasy, a what if scenario. I realize such a scenario is a blockage, in and of itself, but it also an expression of the regret that can be worked through. So part of my dissolving work has involved working with the regret through the fantasy and using the fantasy to recognize certain realities that the regret doesn't factor in. One of the realizations I came away with is an awareness that I felt like I had to fit myself around another person and their issues and life as opposed to actively working on creating a true partnership. I felt this way multiple times with multiple people and that helped me look at the regret in a different light, because it showed me that the regret presented a filtered perspective. By doing the dissolving work it strips away the filter.
7-1-14 I've been continuing to meditate on regret and today I hit a realization about some of my choices earlier in my life that helped me understand that the reason I made those choices was because I was looking for something and fooling myself into thinking I could get it in the way I was pursuing it. Hindsight being 20-20 I eventually realized that my choices weren't providing me what I was looking for, but in meditating on those choices with the regret work, I was able to understand them in a different way that helped me find a sense of resolution about them I hadn't felt before. Working with regret in the way I've been working it has helped me see how the lack of closure creates regret but also how trying to meet a need can do the same. And when you do meet that need, you may still need to work with past issues in order to resolve those periods of time and occurrences in order to be fully present with the solution.
7-4-14 I'm feeling a bit frustrated lately. I'm having to change my event in Chicago into something else due to the lack of signups for the intensive. And it looks like my September event is encountering difficulties due to circumstances that originate with the place I'd be presenting at. What this continues to illustrate to me is that it may be more useful to invest in video and webinars for classes. While the initial cost might be high, the overall overhead would likely be low. After this month is over, I'm going to start doing some research into what other authors are doing...and this illustrates the importance of being adaptable, of being able to change movement as needed in order to go where you want to be.
7-8-14 I've been doing some work with Raphael, who is the Archangel of Hod. He's appeared to me as a doctor in a clinic, healing various people. He told me I needed to be open about my wounds if I wanted to find healing for them. Later on I talked with Kat and I admitted I was feeling depressed. A lot ended up coming out that helped me realize how much pressure I put on myself, but what really stood out to me was how hard it was for me to feel present with a part of myself that I identify myself as young boy. I think for men in general its hard to identify with the boy aspect of themselves. Part of this is because I think one of the immature images of men is men who never grow up, who essentially are still boys. However, I think that you can be a mature man and still connect with the boy within, but doing that easily...especially if that part of you has been so wounded...that's hard for me and sharing it with someone else is even harder.
7-12-14 I've been watching Neon Genesis Evangelion with Kat. It's been over 5 years since I last watched it. I've seen the series over 8 times. It's one of my favorite series and its also a cathartic series for me, because of the triggers and issues that come up in regards to my own relationship with my parents. However watching it this time around has been different. I've still felt some triggers and issues, but its different now, more muted. The internal work I've done has changed a lot of my reactions...its still a show that touches me, but it doesn't grab me in quite the same way. And I'm happy about that because as much as I like the show, it's good to know I've changed, that while it still touches me, it doesn't hit in quite the same way it did before.
7-15-14 I've come to a place with the regret work where I feel I've plumbed the depths as it were and gotten what I need from it. I'm glad I dedicated the time to it, but now I'll return to some other projects. I've also started work with Netzach, doing the initial phase of connection work, which I'll build on when the time is appropriate. It occurs to me that Netzach and Hod are mirrors to each other representing both the same and opposite principles, a union of opposites to create a composite realization, which would be Yesod, which when refined further becomes Malkuth. Of course the other Sephiroth also have something to add to that, but I'll get to those later.
7-20-14 I've started working with Netzach. Today I encountered the Elohim, which showed up as multi-faceted mirrors which mediated spiritual forces. They explained how they acted as connections between specific types of spiritual forces and the magician. Also Eros pointed something out today in my meditations, specifically noting how I've certain places in my life, certain relationships where the movement is stopped or blocked by how I let those relationships effect. Something to meditate on further. I'm in Chicago right now and visited the Life Force Arts center, as well as the Occult Bookstore. I liked the energy of the Occult bookstore and look forward to coming back some time and presenting again.
7-21-14 Left Chicago today. It's been years since I was there and what struck me the most about the city is the manic, frenetic energy. It's a good place to visit, but I don't know if I could live around that many people all the time. Feeling the movement of the city, both in terms of traffic and people was interesting. It has its own rhythm, made up of all the people, the traffic, events and everything else. And I could see how a person could tap into the energy to fuel their workings, though I think it would be dangerous. You'd have to be careful with how you were connecting and what you were connecting with.
And we arrived in St. Louis. The shop Pathways is wonderful, one of the best stocked occult bookshops I've seen, with hard to find works. The community is friendly and welcoming. I also felt the spirit of the original proprietor connect with me and welcome me to the shop. The workshop I offered was well received and I could tell it helped people come to some good realizations for themselves. More than anything I want my workshops to provide that kind of experience to the people who take them.