12-23-14 I feel numb right now. I don't think numbness is the same as stillness, because underneath that numbness is a lot of thoughts and emotions stirring. The numbness is just a mask, a protective layer, while I figure out how to process what I'm thinking and feeling. To hear about similar experiences from the only other person in the circumstances I was in is both saddening and validating. I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm not alone in having the experiences I had...and yet its not really a surprise. I knew I wasn't alone. But hearing it is still something different. I'll figure out what to make of all of it later.
12-24-14 Today as I was doing my stillness meditation, a thought came into my head about an ongoing situation in my life and I was able to follow that thought to several possibilities I hadn't considered before. So I let those possibilities present themselves to me and will see about implementing one., but I mention this here in relationship to stillness because one of the ways I've used stillness is to step away from everything going on in my life so that I can actually observe the possibilities available, instead of letting myself be so into a situation that I can't see the possibilities. I think working with stillness in this way will be something I continue to do to work with as a form of problem solving. I see how putting myself into stillness can be quite useful for opening the possibilities up and although I'd already been aware of that to some degree, today's working further illustrated it.
12-28-14 You can't make stillness happen. When you try to make stillness happen, it's not stillness that occurs. Stillness is something you let happen to you. You make yourself receptive to stillness. The difference is distinct in the sense that imposed stillness is not true stillness, so much as an attempt to be still, whereas genuine stillness is a state of being, an experience of consciousness that occurs to you, changing you because you are open to experiencing change.
1-7-2015 Lately I've been working with the Dehara system of magic, which is based off the Wraeththu series. In my daily meditations I've had vivid experiences of being a Hara in that universe. I feel like I'm tapping into an alternate version of myself. I feel like the stillness work has helped me to be more receptive to such experiences because I'm stilling myself and opening up to what comes my way (within reason).
1-8-2015 Today was the opposite of yesterday. I floundered at being still. It was like trying to grasp a piece of wood in a stormy ocean, with waves about to swallow you whole. So at some point I just gave up trying to be still and let myself go wherever I wanted to go. After that I became still and it was effortless because nothing was being constrained anymore. I was just letting it be.
Tonight I had a reaction. I happened to see an event coming up this weekend and I reacted to it. Part of me began thinking I should try and run my own event and after I entertained this thought for a bit, I stilled myself and asked what really motivated me and I realized it was jealousy and a sense of feeling threatened by the people running the event. So I was creating this scenario of competition and setting myself up to lose because the motivation wasn't for anything useful and I just stopped. I don't want to go down that route. It's a route I've traveled far too often in my life and any benefit has always been short. My genuine success has come from being true to myself and my vision of what I want to accomplish. Staying on course with that is more important than letting jealousy get the better of me.
1-10-2015 Today I relaxed into the stillness work. I started Zhine, found what I'd focus on and relaxed into it and there I was...still. When I hit such states, I find that the stillness gradually deepens and eventually you no longer focus on anything. You become part of the background. Nothing and everything all there, all at once...just being.
In my Dehara work I was taken on a journey by Dahuun to Malkuth, where Aruhani is and explored Aruhani in the context of Earth and Malkuth, combining planetary and Quabalistic associations. It was a fascinating journey that helped me appreciate certain aspects of Dehara better as well as reimprinting some principles of magic through the work.
1-14-15 I'm very careful about the people I have in my life. Today I defriended someone because I noticed a lot of negativity on his page and didn't really want to read about it further. His response was over the top, but seemingly typical. It just confirmed why I don't want that drama in my life. Part of the cultivation of stillness, for myself, is cultivating the right relationships and letting the rest go. I see no need to tolerate someone just because of how they might react...that's a toxic relationship right there.
On the Dehara front, I've progressed up to Netzach with the pathworking, visiting and remediating the experience of the Sephiroth with the Dehara I've associated with them. I've found this useful for further imprinting the Sephiroth and Dehara on my consciousness and subconsciousness. I may try this with other systems of magic to see how it changes my understanding of those systems.
1-17-2015 Today in my stillness work, Zadok told me how important it is to be aware of my stillness and ask myself why I want to be moved toward a possibility. Am I moving myself there based on reaction or am I moving to that possibility for other reasons? Do I even want to move from stillness? Good questions prompted by the entertaining of a possibility while in stillness meditation and recognizing that my desire to realize that possibility was primarily because of a reaction and that such a realization wasn't necessarily the best use of my resources or time. Actually, what I recognize from this meditation today is just how easy it is to get caught up in possibility, for I do it a lot and even if I do nothing else that still can be a distraction or a benefit (or both) depending upon how I direct it.
On the Dehara front I've worked my way up to Geburah, associating Pellaz and Calanthe with Tiphareth and Geburah respectively. I'm not sure if anyone else would make those associations, but they make sense to me. I guess the real test will come when other people give this work a try on their end. It occurs to me as well that when you are working on creating or developing a pop culture magic system, you play a role in the perception and work of other people that come after. You've set the stage for them and that brings with it some type of responsibility.
1-19-15 Stillness can be chaotic. Stillness isn't about perfect harmony...it's about being present with whatever is in your life in that moment. So if there is some chaos, that's ok. The key isn't to try and change it into stillness. The key is to be with it and be still, allowing yourself to feel the chaos without necessarily becoming the chaos.
One of the books I've been reading, The Nature of Personal Reality by Seth shares some intriguing ideas about the communication in the body and in the thoughts of a person. A lot of it echoes some of my own writings and I see once again how this book has influenced my spiritual development. There are some work that won't really make an impact and others that will, but you own't realize it until years later when you look over the material again. And some just hit you over the head. I guess that's a lot like people as well. In any case, in reading over the material I'm struck by how relevant some of it is, especially to the inner alchemical work I'm doing.
1-21-15 In the last week or so I've had two different people try to draw me into their drama, in one form or another. It hasn't worked very well for them, mainly because they're a lot more invested in being right than I am in them being wrong. At a certain point in a debate, when the conversation goes around and around with no change in either stance, its wise to simply say, "Let's agree to disagree" and leave it at that. Unfortunately many people get so invested in proving their point of view, proving they are right and the other person is wrong that they try to have the last word or do their best to disprove the other person. I could care less. I know going into such situations that I likely won't prove my point of view to the other person's satisfaction because they are looking for a specific result (that they are right) and so its not worth my time to try and argue otherwise. So I take the stance of disinterest because I'm not interested in being their punching bag or agreeing with them. I know that my stance is based on my experiences and while I'm happy to entertain the possibility that they could be right, I don't necessarily feel I need to agree or validate them. I also feel that there are many ways to explain something and my explanation can be just as valid as anyone else's. That said I don't expect anyone else will agree and that's ok. They can disagree...just don't expect me to go out of my way to waste time arguing about it. I have better, more productive usage of my time in mind then arguing over who is right and who is wrong.
I see my stance of disinterest as a form of stillness, informed as it is by my desire to not engage in pointless arguments. When a conversation has a point and there is give and take, then its a worthy investment of time, but when its all about proving someone wrong or one's self right, then it becomes an exercise in futility and allowing yourself to be moved by that kind of argument takes away from your quality of life.