3-23-2021 I switched over to working with the alchemical energies of Venus and I’m really glad I have because it is proving to be healing and helpful one day in. I think its interesting that on the Tree of Life, Venus comes after Mercury, emotion coming after thought. Thought allows us to dissect an experience and rationalize it, but the emotions are where we feel and embody what we go through. If you’re going up the tree the emotions come after, but if you’re going down the tree they come before and in either case it seems appropriate to recognize how one leads to the other and how they can temper each other, if worked with in the right way.
I got an order of books in today, including the Daily Stoic and I think I will read an entry a day out of this book and do so for the rest of my life. Today’s entry asks us to look at our greed and vices and reflect on how they may be causing lapses of judgment, as well as asking how we might regulate that greed and those vices. It’s this kind of tempering which is so important, and so often underutilized. Certainly I have sometimes allowed me weaknesses to get the better of me and the result has never been worth it.
3-24-2021 Today I talked with my mom for a bit about some of what I’m struggling with right now and she brought up a really good point. She said that I need to forgive myself for what happened. I told her about my dream with dad and his advice of learning to let go and she told me that forgiving myself could be a path forward for letting go. It’s something I’m certainly going to discuss with my therapist.
I’ve also started reading Wintering by Katherine May. I find it appropriate to read right now because I’ve been in an extend winter season of sort. She talks about how winter is a painful experience, but also how it can be an experience that brings a lot of growth and I suppose that this experience, much like the one a few years ago is exactly like that. I’m wintering, resting, and reflecting on my journey to this point.
3-25-2021 Yesterday I got a suggestion that I might try and forgive myself to the extent I am capable of. I think that’s a helpful approach and its one I’m employing. Today during qi gong practice I reflected on my feelings of loneliness that I’ve experienced. There are times I have felt really alone, in my spiritual practice, and in other ways and yet what I’ve come to recognize is that part of that feeling has been sustained by my unwillingness to communicate about it. It’s a good realization to have.
As I learn to let go of the need to be in control of my emotional experience and instead simply recognize the experience for just being a moment among many, I’m finding that some of the feelings of anxiety and misery and emptiness aren’t as intense as they were. ACT is helping a lot because when I feel myself caught up in an emotion, I ask myself if I want to stay stuck in that experience or take some action, doing something that allows me to incorporate my values in what I’m doing.
3-30-2021 Today is a better day than I’ve in the last few days. I woke up this morning and decided to write some letters to people. These aren’t letters I’ll necessarily send out, but it felt good to express some thoughts and feelings that have been otherwise left unsaid. I think I will continue to do this practice as needed and make it part of my writing magic. I’m also mulling taking a year off from the elemental balancing ritual. I’ve been doing it since 2004 and it has prompted a lot of good changes in my life, but it’s good to take a break and I’m realizing that more and more.
3-31-2021 I visited with a friend today and it was good to see him in person, especially after so long. I’ll confess that I’m not really sure what I’ll do with myself after I’m fully vaccinated. I know I’ll keep writing because I have plenty of books to write, but anything else is up in the air.
4-1-2021 I woke up happy and hopeful today. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve felt that way and it is a novel feeling. I’m enjoying the experience of it, without holding on to deeply to it, because emotions change, but it is nice to feel happy again. Part of what helped is that I meditated on a blockage in my head and heart and disconnected the blockages from each, working on them individually. Appropriately enough in the daily stoic they discuss the importance of being aware of the outlook you hold in your mind, because that shapes your experience of life. It’s a good reminder for me.
4-2-2021 Despite a little bit of a rough start to the day, which gave me an opportunity to recognize and work through some triggers, I am having a good day. Instead of slipping into obsessive fantasy, I refocused and continued dissolving the blockage connecting my heart and mind. And I came to a final decision about a couple of matters that I’ve been considering. I’m going to simplify my life again, by cutting out what doesn’t work and refocusing on what does work. I have a tendency to go into too many directions, when I need to just trust the direction I can go in and follow it, instead of getting distracted by the shiny.
4-3-2021 I had an interesting realization today about the shell game that is relationships. No matter who you end up with at some point you’ll feel alone. You might initially be happy with the person, but at some point the inevitable doldrums will occur that happen with any relationship and you’ll be forced to come up against your own inner turmoil. To be happy within any relationship, you have to first be happy with yourself and if you aren’t then you’re fooling yourself that a relationship will fix that. On a related note I find it fascinating when I open the Daily Stoic and read a passage that is relevant to what I’m recognizing…it’s a bit of bibliomancy in its own right.
4-8-2021 I used to think I was strong. Not physically strong, but mentally and emotionally strong. I’ve come to realize over the last few years how much of that was really an illusion, and how the strength was really just the emotional blockages and stresses I hadn’t faced. I’ve intimately come to realize how fragile I am in some ways. It doesn’t mean I’m not resilient or that I can’t find a way to deal with things, but it nonetheless is a realization I face and recognize. I see my personal failings and flaws in stark relief. I think, I hope I am wiser for recognizing those things and that whatever happens I will temper myself accordingly because I know myself and I know my weaknesses and I won’t let them define me or my choices, the way I have in the past.
I also realize that every person is broken in some way or form. This may sound depressing, but its just a simple fact of living life. Sometimes the broken parts of one person fit with another person and they can heal each other and other times the broken parts simply create tension and stress because of how the two people (or more) clash with each other. It’s not a bad thing; it’s simply people living their lives and struggling with the parts within themselves that are hurt and have not had the healing that is needed.
4-10-2021 I made one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made and there’s no going back this time. I made it because I had to honor my own integrity over continuing to compromise myself. It’s never easy to make such a decision and it’s scary being without a safety net, but this is for the best for all involved.
4-12-2021 I don’t think its a coincidence that matters came to a head with my relationship during this month. I’m working with the alchemical essence of Venus and the connection/truth of that work has called for this change. I wish it hadn’t come to this, but it has, and when I look at the entirety of what is happening, it’s not just a pattern of half a year, but so much more.
4-13-2021 I took a couple days away from the SOA work and meditation, but came back to it today. When I meditated with the copper of Venus I felt the alchemical energies start clearing me out. I felt my central chest cavity loosen up and release some of the energies. It felt good to have that release especially in light of recent events.
4-14-2021 I’ve gone through moments of sadness and upset, as well as hope and happiness. Tonight it was anger. I know this all part of the process and that I will get through this, not by rushing it, but by breathing deep, rediscovering myself and healing my wounds. I just have to be.
4-15-2021 Driving around and doing dashing gave me a lot of time to think and process events. It’s ironic that I’m driving all over the place, but I’m not in any hurry to go anywhere. I know I just need to take my time, go slow, breathe deep and be present with everything that has happened. I need to reflect on choices and actions and also figure out who I am again, and who I want to be, as well as what I really want. I have ideas, but nothing solid and I accept that because there is no need to “know.” I just need to be and to heal.
4-16-2021 I’ve been feeling She Who Watches and the spirits of the Oregon land more closely since things came to a head. I feel like they’re laying claim to me in a very specific way, binding me further to here. I met another occultists today while dashing and it was interesting, because I want to grow the local magical experiments group and here is another person to bring to the fold. It further illustrates to me that the path chosen, hard as it is, is the right path.
I practiced qi gong today and later I went for a walk and in all of that as well as my conversation with She Who Watches I was told that I need to purify myself, to do the internal work while I’m going through everything with an aim toward dissolving whatever can be dissolved, so that in turn I could let go of so much of the baggage that is otherwise weighing me down.
4-18-2021 I feel so much doubt right now. I know I made the right choice to get out of a toxic situation, but now here I am, outside the gilded cage, and what do I do. I have a plan of sorts and I’m at the same time just breathing. I feel She Who Watches working on my heart, healing it and working with me to dissolve the blockages that were there. Today Suvuviel came and started working on my head, telling me to trust the flow of events and that good changes would be coming. And you know, I’ve hit bottom before. I know this place well and I always end up getting back up. So I’ll just work with my spirits, take a deep breath and do what I got to do.
4-19-2021 We did the mediation today. The guy said it was the easiest one he’d ever done, because of course we’d already worked out what we wanted and needed. It was hard to do. I didn’t want this outcome, but even so I still love her and always will. She will always be one of the most important people of my life. And I’m choosing to see this as an opportunity to rediscover myself. It’s a bit scary, but also exciting.
4-20-2021 I find myself reactively trying to get away from the situation I’m in. It’s so different to be alone that it makes sense but tonight I reminded myself that I need to stop and take a deep breath. I need to be in this experience, not trying to get out of it. There’s no need to go somewhere else…and what I really need to do is get back on my feet, secure myself and when I’m ready see what and who the world brings my way.
4-21-2021 Today is the last day of the Venus work and I feel kind of relieved. I felt She who Watches and Suvuviel come and work on me as I did my dissolving meditation. I worked on the blockage between my head and my heart, dissolving and releasing and letting go of the connection between myself and my ex. I felt a simultaneous sense of sadness and relief. I don’t know where things will go or what will happen, but here I am, putting one foot forward and moving slowly but surely in a new direction. It’s what I can do, and I see a light before me, guiding me toward my next destination.