Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 29

2-23-17 What stillness teaches me in the moment is how to recognize when I'm putting myself in a situation where I need to take a moment and ask myself if the course of action I'm engaging in is the best choice. It's also helping me step back and recognize feelings of irritation and frustration I feel in everyday situations such as driving. I hadn't realized how often I've felt those feelings until I started practicing my stillness work in everyday situations, but recognizing those feelings also helps me realize I need to be consciously aware of how those feelings show up, so I can work through them, instead of reacting to them. I would rather be consciously aware of them and be able to sit with them, than just react because I'm feeling them.

3-3-17 I was reading the Gifts of Imperfection while vending at NEWTS. She brought up some really important perspectives that helped me understand some of my issues around positive emotion. She discussed the importance of a gratitude practice...and I'm going to start doing that everyday because I see some real value in taking a moment to state what you're grateful for. And as the author points out, it can enhance the joy in your life. She also makes a distinction between joy and happiness, noting that happiness is situational, while joy comes from a deeper place, but also how vulnerable a person can feel with joy, because it can also bring up a fear of loss. I realize that's what has stopped me from sometimes stepping into my joy more fully, that fear of loss...you can feel so vulnerable that you try to find some way to shut down that feeling.

That's been me sometimes...and realizing that's why is helping me approach my positive experiences and feelings from a different place, one where I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and work through whatever fears arise so I can step into the moment and let it be what it can be.

3-6-17 I've been paying closer attention to who I am and what I'm feeling. I guess what that really means is that instead of putting on masks for myself, I'm taking them off, so I can really be present in the moment. I may still put on a mask for someone else, but the days of not paying attention to what's going on internally are over. Stillness has given me that gift.

3-8-17 I was feeling some anxiety today around the work I'm doing. It seems like every time I'm close to finishing it up, I discover another layer that needs to be factored in. And then I worry...will this even work? I can choose to listen to those fears, express them and/or use them to motivate me. I can also be still with them and get to the real heart of the matter, which is about worthiness. I'm choosing to do some of those actions today and reminding myself that it's my first time doing this work and that I'm not just doing it, but learning how I can do it better the next time I do it. So be patient and dedicated and iterate.

3-9-17 Yesterday I was telling Kat that I want to help people through my content. I want people to get value out of what I create as opposed to having people try and get value out of me. when I used to have much worse boundaries than I have now, I wouldn't always recognize when people were coming into my orbit with ulterior motives. I've gotten better at paying attention to the details, and also recognizing that what I want to give people is the gift of my experiences and knowledge, but also have the right boundaries in place for myself.

3-15-17 When you can talk with someone about what is uncomfortable, and settle into the conversation, it brings with it, its own form of stillness. I've only recently discovered how to be comfortable talking about uncomfortable subjects, with someone. Seems odd that its taken me so long, but given how guarded I've been my entire life, maybe not so much. Relaxing into the stillness of the moment is what liberates you to discuss what needs to be talked about.

3-21-17 This month has really been about details. What stillness is teaching me about details is how to be present with them, without letting them get to me. I look at all this work I'm doing right now for my businesses and my life and there's this feeling of readiness...The details are getting attended to so that I can make that move out of stillness into wherever I need to go. And this makes me glad I devoted a 3rd year to Stillness. I needed to get to this place with Stillness (and a bit further) in order to go to the next step of my spiritual journey and life. That's the value of Stillness. It helps you stop long enough to figure out where you need to go instead of continuing to react. You break out of the patterns and start developing your own.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 28

1-25-17 The other day I attended a lecture about Gurdijieff's work. It was quite fascinating, especially when the person giving the lecture talked about a person's actions were essentially just reactions to everything that had had influenced the person. While my initial response was to be skeptical, when I considered the idea, I found it made sense in a way. When I look at all my choices, there's a history behind those choices and there's environmental factors. It doesn't take away from my responsibility for those choices, but recognizing that your choices aren't solely based on internal motivations can be helpful...It's too easy to take on so much responsibility that you ignore the other factors. There's a balance to be struck and when it is, it can help a person with internal work in a way that actually helps produce genuine conscious change that can be acted on.

1-29-17 I had a couple of interesting dreams last night. In the first dream Jim N, an old roommate showed me a videoclip with the title, "Now isn't this awkward". In the video clip Richard Nixon and Jim's dad were walking very closely next to each other and Richard Nixon looked uncomfortable. Not sure what the dream means though I suppose in some ways its a comment on the current regime in power. The second dream was much more involved. This family tried to steal my car, but I wouldn't let them and then it turned out their son had a spiritual illness, so I offered to look him over and help him out. Both dreams were very vivid (hey normally aren't) so I felt I should record them and consider them.

2-2-17 I was reading the section in the Gifts of Imperfection about perfectionism. I don't think of myself as a perfectionist, per se, but I do recognize certain traits that have shown up in my thinking, especially when I tell myself where I "should be" as opposed to where I am. One of the gifts of the stillness work has really involved learning to accept where I am with grace and compassion toward myself as well as asking myself what the real motivation is for wanting to be in a particular place. And accepting where I am doesn't mean I stop doing the work, but what it does mean is I stop holding myself to impossible standards and instead celebrate the journey while continuing on it.

2-8-17 Had dinner with Felix tonight, where we got into an interesting conversation about the aesthetics of magic Something clicked into place and I realized its something I've talked about, but from a different angle, and recognizing that different angle, just made things much more interesting as a result, when I think about how and why magic works.

2-9-17 Something the last couple of years the stillness work has gradually taught me is how to be open with myself. I could never open up to anyone else, because I didn't know how to be open with myself. I was terrified to be open, in all honesty, because being open meant sitting with all the parts of me that are vulnerable and hurting, all the damage that's been done to me and yes all the damage I've done as well to myself and others. As I've opened up more, I've been able to hold space with those parts of myself and to hold space with other people as well. And what I've discovered is a gradual loosening of the fears, doubts, and shame, and a replacement of a kind of warmth that lights me from within and allows me to connect intimately to the people who matter in my life. The work is hard, but doing the work is also liberating, if you stick with it.

2-17-17 Today I meditated on my early 20's. It was prompted by coming across someone I used to know through Facebook. In my early 20's I was a clueless guy when it came to relationships. I didn't know how to handle genuine interest from other people and ended up pursuing people I knew would reject me. I would often hide my insecurity by being flirtatious because flirting was easy to do, and it kept me "safe" or so I thought. But really I just didn't know how to interact with other people. And part of me didn't feel worthy of being with other people. It was easy to chase after people who didn't want me. They just confirmed the feeling of unworthiness I already had. So today I meditated on those feelings and showed some compassion to my younger self. It made me realize how you can think you're over a period of your life and then discover that in fact there's some buried stuff you still haven't worked through.

2-20-17 In the Gifts of Imperfection the author talks about numbing and how people will engage in addictive behavior to numb their pain. That addictive behavior can be the classics of alcoholism and drugs, but can also be workaholicism...really any behavior where you're trying to avoid feeling anything. What I find fascinating is that she explains that when you seek to numb your feelings, you also numb the good feelings, joy, love, etc. And yet in meditating about it I came to see her point. When I look back at periods of my life, when I numbed myself, I ended up numbing all the feelings I had. She also points out that feelings of joy and love can make a person uncomfortable because of how vulnerable you feel and again that makes sense to me, because I've actually felt that way before in my own life. Until Kat I wasn't comfortable with feeling loved.

In my stillness work, I've found that embracing uncomfortable feelings is what leads to resolution. When you numb your feelings, you ultimately make them stronger. But when you lean into them, when you choose to feel them and be present with whatever comes up, it liberates you. And yes the bad feelings are comfortable, but sometimes the good feelings are as well. My choice to be present, to lean into and accept the feelings has played a big part in no longer numbing myself, but instead stepping into the joy and bliss of life.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 27

12-23-16 Patience is something I've been meditating on lately in relationship to stillness. I am both good and not good at being patient...it depends on the context I suppose. I'm currently working on a couple projects and really want the work to be done, but feedback I'm getting suggests some further refinement, so I'm reminding myself I need to be patient and focus on getting it right because that's what will matter most. That can be hard for me. Conversely though I can be patient for years and years, waiting for the right moment to make something happen. I learned that early in life, because I had to bide my time due to circumstances where I had little to no control. So meditating on patience makes me appreciate how patience can be its own form of stillness, the potential waiting for the right moment to be unleashed and realized.

12-30-16 I've been continuing to relax into stillness. Some feelings that have come up, as happens, but what I've done is relax into them as well. I think in no longer trying to seek stillness, but instead just opening myself to it, its made a significant difference in the meditation. I also decided to reread The True Source of Healing, because I recognized that I needed to read through it once and then read it again, but engage the exercises. Sometimes that's a good approach to take with a book, and this is one such book. And when anxiety comes up around some of the current work I'm doing in my business, I'm opening up about that anxiety and then letting it go. I'm being patient and working my process.

1-8-2017 The last couple of days I've hit this place of perfect stillness, where my mind and body are at ease and the emotions are present, but everything is still. I know better than to actively seek that experience now. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't I'll work with whatever does come up.

1-12-17 In the last couple of months I've been opening up a lot to Kat and sharing my anxieties and fears with her. I've never done this with anyone else, at least not to the degree that I'm being open with her. It's hard, because my natural tendency is to put on a front and pretend like nothing is wrong, but I realize how toxic that tendency is for me and how it keeps people at arm's length instead of letting them in where they can help and support me. Last month I asked what a safe relationship is and I realize a safe relationship is a relationship where each person can completely share themselves with the other person...where everything is out in the open, where difficult issues can be discussed and resolved without having to wait for them to show up in other ways.

And all of this seems to enhance the stillness as well, because everything is out in the open, no longer clogging up the inner space. It's hard being open, but its smart as well and the long term benefits speak for themselves.

1-18-17 I'm reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It's gotten me thinking a lot about love and belonging, and makes me wonder if I shouldn't revisit working with the element of love, because of how she defines love. She explains that love is something we grow and cultivate as opposed to give or get. She also explains that belonging is when we share out authentic, vulnerable self with the people around us. Her definition of love really makes sense to me...it decommercializes love and turns it into something humane, something we really need, because in a lot of ways love is treated as a this for that venture, when in reality genuine love is about growth and cultivation, protection and connection. I think this could change my relationship with love, specifically in regards to how I love myself, because the author makes some great points about self love and how we treat ourselves...namely that if we wouldn't be so hard with someone why be that way with ourselves.

1-21-17 I've been continuing to work my way through The Gifts of Imperfection. The author talks about the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is feeling bad about an action you've done, whereas shame is saying you are bad. And when I look at my relationship with feeling worthy or lack thereof, the more I realize so much of what I've felt is shame...that feeling of I'm bad. And its easy to find the origins of it, but the real question is what do I do about it? The author's suggestion is to be open about what you feel shame about, to communicate and connect because then you find where you belong. And I've been doing that a lot more, sharing and connecting with Kat about whatever is going on with me.

In its own way this is a form of internal work. Part of what the author shares is the importance of building up shame resilience, where you are able to identify the physical sensations you associate with shame and then make different choices. Part of it is figuring out what your courage is, what calls you to be courageous in the face of shame. In my case, that's opening up about what I'm feeling instead of keeping it to myself. The stillness work has been helpful in this regards because I've been using it to help me identify my the physical sensations. To discover our own worthiness we have to know how to identify when we feel unworthy and then make a conscious choice instead of reacting to it.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 26

11-24-16 The other day I told Felix that sometimes I felt like I was climbing up a very steep pit, when it came to the process of self growth. It takes a lot of effort to change and sometimes it seems like it would be easier to slide back down the pit. The only problem being what you land in isn't very appetizing. Since I began this work over a decade ago, I've had some slips and falls and I've definitely come face to face with my shadow. Yet I continue doing the work, because while the path is hard, the rewards are worth it. When I struggle I remind myself of this because while the struggle can be hard, the work is worth it in the end. Its only when we give up that we fail.

12-3-16 I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of fulfillment and what that looks like. I've also been paying attention to environmental stressors and how I respond to those stressors. The two are more linked than you might think, if only because how I've set up my environment is something I've changed because I've realized its amplified the stress instead of decreasing it. Seems to me that stress and fulfillment have an interesting relationship. Stress tells you that you aren't fulfilled (me anyway). So recognizing that is a good step.

12-5-16 What does it really mean to have a safe relationship? I've been pondering that the last few days.

12-9-16 Today Sun Ce died. I got him as a kitten thirteen years ago. He hadn't been eating much this week, so we took him in...It turned out he was in renal failure and it didn't look good. So we made the hard decision to let him go. I didn't want to keep him alive for my sake and the quality of life would not have been good. So we put him to sleep. I held him for a bit and said my goodbyes as did the rest of the family. I am so sad, I miss him so much and I know it will hit me at odd moments when I don't hear him or see him...I love you Sun Ce. Rest in peace.

12-10-16 Sun Ce's death has hit me hard. I look for him in his usual places and he isn't there. I hear his meow and then I realize it's just in my mind. Granted he died yesterday, so of course his death would be on my mind, but I think why it hits me so hard is because he was really the first cat that I got, that was mine. I had other cats before him, but back in December of 2003 I walked in the snow to a pet store and saw this little Gray and White kitten, so fierce and playful and he spoke to me. He told me he wanted to go home with me. So I took him home with me. He could fit into the palm of my hand...

I realized yesterday that I took Sun Ce for granted in some ways. I had this notion that he would be with me for at least a few more years. He had been with me through so much, and I just took that presence for granted. I love him, but I wonder if I could've done more for him. To him, I was always first. He always wanted attention from me, more than anyone else, because I was the person he'd chosen. Even when other people were giving him attention he'd look over at me, letting me know that who he really wanted attention and love from was me. And now he's gone. I'll never see his eyes looking toward me for attention or feel his fur under my hand and hear the rumble of his purr or hear him meow for attention.

I miss him so keenly. I was doing my stillness meditation today and I felt my emotions surge and my mind drift to him. Part of me wanted to just hold on so tightly and I realized how that was attachment, but it didn't change that I felt these emotions so strongly. He is gone, my Kirin beast, my Sun Ce and now all I have are memories of him. No more experiences to look forward, no more days to travel together, no more moments of comfort and love. It makes me realize how easy it is to take for granted who is important to you in your life. You can fall into the illusion that they'll be here forever, but there is no forever and there is no guarantee that they'll be there from one day to the next.  So whether its a cat or a person I resolve to be more present and appreciative of the moment I'm with those beings who are important to me. And in doing that I hope I can also honor Sun Ce and appreciate this one last lesson he's given me.

12-17-16 In The True Source of Healing, the author talks about how seeking stillness actually keeps you from it. He's right. The past few months I've sought it and it's eluded me. So for this last week instead of trying to force it I just sat and let whatever happen, happen. And lo and behold there were a few days where I hit stillness. It's a good reminder that what a person fixates on is what is hardest to grasp. The more you want something, the further it can be, but when you can just let go, do what you need to do and let it happen, it happens. In my case, it being stillness. I let myself be still instead of trying to seek stillness.

Beyond that I've continued to process Sun Ce's death. I've been in denial some ways, looking for him in places he would usually be. Eventually I'll hit acceptance.

12-20-16 We had to go to the vet again because one of our other cats was throwing up. Turned out, he's just stressed by Sun Ce's death, but it was a little nerve racking for us, so soon after Sun Ce's death. At a solstice vigil I attended, during the meditation, I ended up connecting with Sun Ce. He wanted to check on me. It surprised me...it wasn't what I expected, but this loss has been on my mind so much and I think it was his way of reassuring me that wherever he is, he's fine and its ok to let go.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 25

10-23-16 In my latest newsletter I wrote about how my feeling of dissatisfaction drove me to experiment and I thought I should spend some time with that feeling, so I meditated on it today in my stillness work. And not for the purpose of doing anything with it, but rather to just appreciate the feeling for what it is in my life and how it's shown up. I can't say all expressions of my dissatisfaction have been healthy (because it hasn't), but in a lot of ways that feeling has been positive. I wouldn't have written the books I've written or experimented with magic or done so many other things if I didn't have that feeling of dissatisfaction. It highlights to me that its important to to look at a feeling and emotion in terms of how it shows up in your life, acknowledging the expressions of it, instead of just labeling it.

10-31-16 The other day I did almost all my meditations with ear plugs on. It was fascinating because when I was doing my vocal chants, I could hear the vibration more with the ear plugs in. I also noticed I went deeper into the meditative state for each exercise, so I think I will keep doing this practice and see what comes of it. If nothing else it's another way to experience stillness and work with it on a deeper level.

11-6-16 In today's meditation on Stillness I was struck by a realization that what makes a person feel trapped in a situation are the perceptions and the beliefs the person brings to the situation and the lies the person tells him/herself about that feeling of being trapped. I'm not saying there aren't external factors, because sometimes there are, but in my own life what has usually kept me in unhappy situations has had more to do with me and my own unwillingness to face the truth than anything else. What stillness continues to teach me is how to see through my own BS, how to own it and just uncover the real narrative. It is sometimes very uncomfortable, but afterwards the trap is no longer there. I have let myself out of my own cage.

11-7-16 I am my own worst enemy and sometimes that only becomes apparent when I create situations where I sabotage myself because I haven't really been present with the narrative.

11-11-16 So much of what I've struggled with in my life comes down to feeling empty. And when I look at that feeling and how it shows up in my life, so much of what I see is that its at the root of so much of my unhappiness and of the bad decisions I've made in my life. Trying to fill that emptiness up has never worked. And I've made some progress with it, but there are times where it feels like that progress is illusory at best.

11-14-16 In my experience there is a certain type of artist or writer or musician who feels such passion and dedication to the work they are doing that there is little to no emotional space left in that person's life for anyone else or for anything else. Loving such a person or being their friend can be a draining experience, because there is no balance. Everything is put toward what they create and while what they create is amazing, what is left for anyone else is well...nothing. You know you are never their top priority or even equal to the art, music, or writing. Everything you give is not reciprocated...instead it is applied toward what they are doing. Having been in several relationships with such people, I find that it is very hard to be with such a person because you know you will always be second to what is most important to them.

I've never been that kind of writer or artist. While I love writing, I find I need a certain balance with it, which includes time with other people and time enjoying other pursuits. Even with magic, which again is something I love, I have still nonetheless found a balance that makes sense for me and allows me to place it in context to everything else in my life.

But if there is one relationship in my life that I can liken to that of the artist or writer who is so focused on their craft, it is my relationship with emptiness, because at times I have felt like I have put everything into that emptiness and had it all sucked away, with unfortunately no creative result to even justify it. And there have been times where that relationship has taken such priority that it has overshadowed any other relationship I have. Nonetheless I am fortunate because the people in my life are willing to call me out on my issues, but also love me and believe in me and that is so precious that it helps me to continue doing this work to balance my relationship with that feeling and enter into something that is healthier as a result.

11-16-16 Even though I write about my internal work and my struggles it feels odd to know I'll talk with them to someone, other than Kat or a trusted friend. I'm well aware of the fact that there's at least one person who reads my writing for reasons that have nothing to do with spiritual enlightenment or a desire to practice magic, but the idea of talking with a stranger...it's been a while since I've done that, but sometimes what you need is a perspective that isn't informed by knowing who you are (or who someone thinks you are).

11-17-16 So I talked with a therapist today about my emptiness and all the experiences of my life that have pertained to that emptiness, the near deaths, being raped, the emotional and physical abuse, and other things...and at the end of all that he said, "You have PTSD." As simple as that. So much of my life I've tried to project this sense of strength...I've pushed people away or never let them in, and it makes sense. And ironically the very thing I've been struggling with the emptiness, has been the mechanism I've used to push people away, to numb myself from everything that happened. And I realize now why I've focused so much on physical sensation, because I've used physical sensation to feel, but also to distract from the emotions. Not an easy thing to sit with, but this therapist I'm seeing is going to help with it. He's got a special technique he uses. When he used it today, it felt like my mind was being rewired. It helped me process some realizations on an emotional level.

11-20-16 I met with the therapist again on Friday and we did an 1 and a half hours of work using the technique. By the end my brain felt like it was on fire, but even more interesting was a feeling difference in how I relate to certain feelings and experiences. I got a look at the technology he uses and I think I'll pick it up for myself. I think there are a number of applications I could apply it to outside the therapeutic model. One thing the therapist is having me do is look at my relationship with emptiness differently. Had I considered it was a protective mechanism? Not really, but now I actually can see how it has been a protective mechanism in its own way when it comes to how I handle emotions.

11-22-16 This entire month has been an interesting journey. I have a different perspective about my emptiness, and for the first time I actually feel I don't have to struggle with it, that I might just be able to live with it and even have it as an ally. And my stillness work has benefitted from taking this approach. I've actually been able to feel that stillness more deeply.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 24

9-26-16 Sometimes stillness meditation isn't about stillness, but is about the state of mind stillness puts me in. I won't be able to fully still my mind, but I can think about things that are on my mind in a way that allows me to put information together and make decisions differently than in my everyday consciousness. So I'll start thinking about a problem and come up with a solution in stillness meditation that would've taken me longer to achieve outside of it. It makes me realize that sometimes being still is really just allowing myself to look at a situation or problem differently.

10-1-16 The last few days I've felt like I've been in a whirlwind. There are so many ideas in my head, so much awareness around what I need to modify and change. It's a bit intimidating, to be honest, but I know I'm up for the challenge. And in the midst of all of it, just practicing stillness, becoming the calm center and keeping myself open to opportunity, while also staying focused on the prize.

10-4-16 The last few days I've been visually mapping what I'll be working on and how I'll be working on it. Doing that is helping me to wrap my head around the work I'll be doing over the next few months. I'm excited about the work and the possible results that will occur if I just knuckle down and do it.

10-5-16 Today it really hit me. I've once again decided to embark on some huge changes and there was this sense of fear and panic. I allowed myself to feel it, to fully step into it and it was terrifying. Change is terrifying and ironically in the midst of all this stillness work I've probably done more changing than I'd ever done before. Yet the lesson in all of this is really finding that center of stillness and still going through with the change. Stillness isn't about being static (or at least it shouldn't be). Stillness has taught me to be present with the change, to accept it for what it is and what it can do for me, but also not to just react to it. And feelings like fear and panic are reactions. So I can be still and feel those feelings and accept them and they may even inform some of why I act, but in being still with them I can get to the narrative underneath and start working with it.

10-14-16 The last couple of weeks I've been very focused on working on my online marketing. The light came on and I could see what I needed to do differently and that's pretty much informed everything I've done since then. I get this way on occasion, where the totality of my being is wrapped up in what I'm working on and I disappear into it. I suppose that's a kind of stillness as well. I haven't really felt still though. I've felt restless, my mind racing in a lot of a different directions. Not what you want when you're trying for stillness, but sometimes I'm just that way and I still strive to achieve stillness and I'm glad I do, because if I let a moment of restlessness stop me from doing the work than I've given up. If I keep trying though...there will days I won't hit stillness, but there will also be days I do.

10-18-16 Sometimes the best moments of stillness are found in the quiet moments you share with people who are important to you. You could cuddle with a lover or friend, or enjoy an experience and in that moment there's nothing to be said. It's just about appreciating you and the experience of the person with you.

10-19-16 Today I used ear plugs when doing my stillness meditation. It was interesting because suddenly all I could hear was my heart. It was a very intimate experience and I found myself paying close attention to my heart beat and using that to lead me to a place of stillness. I'll keep trying the ear plugs out and see what else comes up as a result.

10-20-16 Sometimes it is hard to be patient with myself. I'm working my way through a class that will help me make some differences to my business, but part of me wants it all done now and when I haven't made a lot of progress because of other circumstances, I get impatient. The thing is sometimes circumstances do come up and they have to be dealt with. This week a lot of domestic matters have come up that have required my attention because I'm the person holding down the home front. So part of stillness is reminding myself to be patient, get to the work when I can, but also take care of the home. And I also know that implementing what I'm working on will take time and its better to be thorough than to rush it.

10-21-16 Yesterday I didn't use ear plugs and today I did. The only noticeable difference so far is that the ear plugs make me more aware of my bodily rhythms, which is still significant in its own right. Still it's early to come to any conclusion, so I'll keep experimenting with them and seeing what happens over a longer period of time.

In other news I'm 40 today. I've been thinking about that a lot this month. I don't know if its really more significant or not, other than it marks the ending of my third decade of life and the beginning of my fourth. When I look back on my thirties I see a stormy beginning and then gradually my life stabilizing. I feel like I figured what I really want to do with my life, in my thirties, as well as who/what is really important to me. Now as I turn 40 I want the next decade to really be about bringing all of that together. I've had my struggles and successes...I've learned a lot and I look forward to continuing to learn even more.

Happy Birthday to me.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 23

8-27-16 After I committed to working with stillness for another year, I had another of those gravitational experiences, where I felt like I was a center of mass that was bringing things toward me by just being still. It was fascinating that it happened after the commitment, kind of a way of Stillness acknowledging my choice and perhaps spurring me on as well. It was tantalizing to experience, and So I just allowed myself to experience it without filtering it or trying to control it. In one sense it was really a surrender to stillness, and that realization provides an important clue about the gravitational experiences.

8-28-16 I had a fascinating experience today with Stillness. Everything slowed down, but instead of being a gravitational effect, or a possibility effect, it was an effect where I could see how all the pieces of events or actions fit together and I could also see how they could be fit together alternatively for different results. It was a distinct state of experience from the latter two, yet similar to them in some ways as well. I'd never experienced it before, via this meditation (though I've had a similar state of experience on other occasions). Being able to activate these various states of consciousness at will would be quite useful, but even in just doing this work it's revealing a lot to me about the nature and depth of stillness.

8-31-16 Throughout my journey into stillness, shame has been a part of the journey. I'm reading a book called Unashamed that I got through Vine. It's a Christian's take on shame. I hadn't expected that when I got the book through Vine, but I'm finding it to be a fascinating read and relevant to the work I'm doing with shame. You might wonder why shame keeps coming up with stillness, but my sense of it is that when you still yourself, you come up against the parts of your life you've been moving away from. Stillness is about being, so naturally shame and other related emotions come up. It's an invitation to work through the shame and so much of this journey has really been about shame as about stillness. I'm glad for that because it has been quite liberating.

9-3-16 I've been learning about some vibrations chants a person can use to deal with different physical conditions. I'm going to experiment with them, but also see if I can't intersperse them with silence (stillness) and see what happens as a result. It's part of the practice in any case, but I'm finding it fascinating how much sound and silence connect together, and of course it's been this work with stillness that's lead me down this route.

9-6-16 Some people will always judge you by who you were and the mistakes you've made. I had lunch with one of my authors who told me that a case of guilt by association occurred. We talked about it and I was transparent about me and my flaws and my work toward addressing those flaws. I am most certainly not a perfect person and I have done some stupid things. I've also worked hard to address the issues underlying those actions and to make the appropriate changes. And regardless I know some people will still judge me for who I was. That's part of life and what I've learned is to keep doing the work to become a better person and let go of attachment to caring about how people might judge me. It's always easier after all to throw a rock at someone, rather than actually take a good hard look at your shit and actually do the responsible thing of owning it and working on it. I prefer the latter course, because while it's initially harder, it gets a lot easier as you keep going.

9-7-16 When you have different parts of yourself that have unexpressed needs, what you have to discover is how to met those needs sanely and in a healthy manner that respects the boundaries of all people involved with you. With stillness work I have sometimes really come up close to a part of myself that feels a need or desire, but it isn't being expressed, and so what stillness has allowed me to do is communicate with that part and figure out what can be done to express that need. I think this could be applied to other people, in terms of helping them discover how to meet their needs and wants, in a manner that is healthy and respectful. Today I figured out a way to address a need of mine by interacting with that part of myself that needed an acknowledgement and an outlet. I've figured out what the outlet will be and have already started work on the first expression of it.

9-8-16 I said I was feeling tired earlier, but as I sat with that feeling...nope the tired is just the surface level narrative. I'm feeling pissed off, irritable and pessimistic. I get this way sometimes, and I know what's making me feel this way. Some of its dealing with politics as usual in the Pagan community, some of its my own self doubt rearing its head, and some of it is just ongoing issues that need to be worked through but sometimes are very hard to work through. I'll get over it, but it feels good to express it, albeit in a place where I won't necessarily get expressions of sympathy, which is the last thing I need.

9-11-16 It hit me today that ten years ago I was living in Seattle. I only lived there for a year, but still I came to the Pacific Northwest ten years ago (well technically 10 and a half years ago). So much has happened since then, good and bad. More good than bad, and I've worked for hard it. I'm in Seattle right now for the Esoteric Book Conference, so it hit me as I was driving into Seattle, remembering driving the moving truck so long ago.

9-12-16 Sometimes I feel so awkward and ashamed of my enthusiasm. I can get very enthused about a project or a person and their work and I realize it can be really intense and off-putting. I remember when I was younger how I learned to temper my enthusiasm, to rein back my interest, because people would get weird. I felt passion for something someone was doing and it became clear it was too much. They would pull back. I learned to pull back first, but occasionally I still get really enthusiastic. So I'm feeling some shame around that and sitting with it. In Unashamed, the author mentions how people clothe themselves with their shame...basically how the shame of what they feels becomes a means of hiding the narrative underneath and I think she's got a point. So sitting with shame over something is important because you uncover the narrative by feeling the shame and letting it teach you. In this case what it teaches me is about acceptance or the fear of not being accepted.

9-16-16 My brother called me tonight to tell me that my dad had some health issues come up. Hearing the news was shocking. I know he had issues, but I didn't know everything and now I do. And it makes me more aware of my own mortality and how important it is to keep exercising and taking care of myself. I'll be forty in a little over a month and I feel better than I have because of the exercising I'm doing, but this brings it home even more. It also makes me even happier that I visited him last month.

9-19-16 At this point I've pretty much decided I'm done with the Pagan convention scene. An exchange I had earlier today just demonstrates that the convention organizers have no real interest in being transparent or fair. The apathy on the presenter side of it equally convinces me that most presenters are fine with the current system, even though it screws them over. It's discouraging and disappointing, but it also illustrates why going my own way is ultimately a better choice for me, because the system isn't tenable as is.

9-21-16 It's been a chaotic few days and stillness has been hard to reach. I suppose in a way that just illustrates why its a good idea for me to work with stillness for another year. The work I've done with stillness in the last couple years has helped me go really deep into places I'd have feared to venture before. And its brought a measure of peace and contentment I've never known. So I look at these last few days and consider the circumstances for what they are and recognize how far I've come AND how much further I can go. This elemental balancing work has always been about doing the internal work and a necessary part of doing that work is being present with what is revealed so you can learn more.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 22: Keep on Keeping on

7-24-16 There are some days when I meditate where I don't have really deep experiences, where it can even be a struggle to hit the meditative state. I had one of those days today. When it happens I end up focusing on the struggle and that becomes its own meditative experience. What it reveals are the tensions within that need to be resolved, worked through and unfolded. The struggle may not lead you to a deeper state, but what it will lead you to work through whatever is holding you back.

7-29-16 Sometimes stillness is drifting on the current of possibilities without taking any action. You can feel the possibilities around you and you can explore them without doing anything. Just being, crystallized, aware and drifting. It's quite peaceable to be still and just feel what could be without necessarily doing anything to make it happen.

7-31-16 What I enjoy most about writing is the challenge of writing. Each book, each article, is its own challenge and the challenge is really what you discover about the topic, yourself, etc., in relationship to the actual writing. When I write, I'm not just putting words on a page. I'm actively discovering the subject, my identity, and so much else. Reality opens when I write. I coax it to reveal secrets that I might liberate them and share them with everyone else. And in return I give something of myself.

8-4-16 I'm in South Dakota visiting my dad. It's interesting to visit a place where my ancestors have lived, to learn more about them, and also to be in this place that hosted some of my family. I feel a connection to this land. It's not a connection that says I need to life here, but it is a connection that says please acknowledge me and acknowledge this place which helped shape your ancestors and had some role in your life as well. I felt a similar connection to the New England area where my mom's side of the family originate from. I didn't realize it back then, but I see it now.

8-5-16 A person is never shaped in a void. The behaviors, the choices, and the actions are the responsibility of the person, but they are also contextually shaped by the experiences they've had, by the people who've acted on them, by the history of family and community. I see this in relationship to my dad. I've asked him questions about his life, seen places that are meaningful to him, presently and in the past, and in his stories have learned about not just him, but my aunt (who I never met) and my grandparents and great grandparents. I'll never know the entire story, because I wasn't there, but even in what is not said, one can learn a lot if one pays attention. I feel sad I never met my aunt, and feel a deeper sense of compassion for my dad and his experiences, as I weigh them in relationship to my own childhood and experiences thereafter. I see my own choices and actions in a different light. Context changes so much and should never be ignored, for what it reveals can help you situate what you've experienced, can help you understand and can open you to feeling compassion for the people in your life.

8-7-16 I'm back from South Dakota. It was a good trip. I learned a lot about my ancestors on my dad's side of the family and got some stuff figured out as a result that helped me with some internal work I've been doing around family. Life is too short to hold on to blockages, but sometimes the only way to work through those blockages involves discovering the context around them. In some ways this trip was very much about that for me.

8-11-16 The hardest thing about sitting with shame is the being present with the emotion. You want to run away. You want to hide. Because when you feel shame you are really being called on your issues and the challenge is what will you do with what you feel? Will you bury it? Will you pretend its not there? Will you beat yourself up with it? Or will you simply hold space with it, feel it, and let it open you up to the deeper truths that you're really scared of? The hardest thing to do of all the options and yet paradoxically the easiest is to just sit with it and feel it and allow what you feel to liberate you with the insights you get from it. The reason its the hardest thing to do is because you actually have to feel your shame...really feel it. The reason its the easiest is because once you feel it and get to the underlying narrative, you are no longer the captive of your shame. Of course, this also depends on what actions you take to to deal with the source of your shame.

I've done a lot of work around shame this year, but sometimes I still struggle to sit with it. It is an emotion that really forces you to see yourself up close and personal, beyond any deceits you tell yourself. To see yourself so rawly, to see your weaknesses and flaws and feel them so intimately is hard work, yet it is also necessary work. You can't change yourself without being willing to dig in and discover who you are and come to a better relationship with all of yourself. And really to make any change to yourself, you need to actually accept who you are and discover why you are the way you are...then those changes can be made.

My recent trip to South Dakota and hearing about my family history gave me a lot to consider and recognize about myself. I could see how who I am has been shaped by my family, even in cases where I never met the person. And that then changes my relationship with shame as well because I am able to see that narrative from another angle.

I'm still sitting with my shame and I'm still struggling with it sometimes and I'm ok with that.

8-13-16 I did a meditation today where I accessed my ancestors, used the genetics and my time awareness to touch on their lives, to touch on them. It's interesting how much the trip to South Dakota has prompted me to explore my past. The experience was kind of like Jean Auel's description of how the one group of humans used their memories to go back to their past and relive the lives of their ancestors. It gives me some ideas for further exploration in regards to space/time magic, but also provides some more context to shape and work in relationship the past and future of this embodiment of life I am.

8-21-16 I've decided to extend my work with the element of stillness for another year, which will make it the longest amount of time in which I've worked with an element. Why another year? I recognize the temptation to stay still forever, though if anything in the time I've worked with stillness so much has changed internally and externally in my life. I've come face to face with a lot of internal work I needed to do, and also experienced the richness of stillness and yet I know I there is more to experience and work with. There are certain states of experience I've just touched on in the last month or so, and I want to work with them deeper, yet I feel it would be a distraction if I shifted to another element. So I'm sticking with Stillness for another year. There is a lot to discover in it that will have direct bearing on other work I am either doing or planning to do over the next ten years.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 21: Giving and Receiving

6-26-16 Sometimes I like to let my mind wander. I'll lay down for a bit and just let my thoughts go and see what comes up. It's a good way of setting your creativity free. It's not the same as meditation for the purpose of clearing your mind, yet it can be a form of stillness on its own, because in letting your thoughts go free, you also allow yourself to become still. Your thoughts wander every which way and you just observe them. It frees up the creative juices and ignites the inspiration.

Doing this exercise has been helpful for me for when I'm feeling writer's block. When I write I can see the big picture, but sometimes putting the pieces together is hard. So afterwards this exercise helps to loosen the mind up. It helps you get back into the writing space, open to new discoveries.

6-29-16 Felix gave me a copy of the Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer. I started reading it that night and her story really hit me on a deep level, especially around the struggle people have with asking. I know that struggle so well, because I've always had that struggle around asking. Opening up that intimately, being that vulnerable...I've learned it slowly in the last few years. I'm still learning it, but I can see that I'm learning it and feel really good about it. I don't need to put myself behind walls of self-sufficiency. I can actually rely on people if I choose to let them in. I couldn't have that six years ago.

7-3-16 I gave myself permission today to slow down on a project and do some additional research. I've occasionally just dove in without really considering the ramifications of my choice. In this case I was putting pressure on myself to have this project underway by a certain date and I realized the pressure really wasn't worth it. So I evaluated the project and recognized that I need to do some research and then do some digestion to figure out what I really want to do with it. If executed properly this project will be very helpful, but if it isn't, it could take up valuable time and effort.

You know for all that this year has been about stillness, this has been one of the busiest years of my life, with so much change happening. The stillness has come in handy for actually keeping me steady and focused while managing all the change. And I think it'll continue to help me down the line because there will undoubtedly be more changes like this.

In the Art of Asking, an interesting point is made that if you love people enough, they'll give you everything. I struggle with that sentiment. Then again I struggle with sharing in general. Despite the fact that I'm a writer and actually share a lot, there are moments where it can be a real struggle. A lot of that struggle has more to do with me and my issues than anything else. And I think in this case it's a struggle to receive, when you've decided to share. I can share, but to receive in return? It can be painful, because when I receive I'm letting people in, letting them see me. Really see me.

7-4-16 It hit me today...a combination of reading the Art of Asking and seeing someone else I admire make some changes in her groups. When you give something, what you are really doing is deepening the relationship. You're inviting people in and you're trusting them and you're also building trust. I never really got that before. I'd cringe at the idea of giving something away for free, but that was because I didn't really understand what was happening. And now...I do...I get it. It's like a light clicked on. I need to map it out, but now my understanding is changed. It feels vulnerable, but also empowering. Letting go of control in order to see what happens.

7-7-16 I met with Antero Alli yesterday. I've decided to take his Zero lab for Paratheatre and part of the process involved the interview. I'm glad it did because it gave both of us a chance to feel each other out. In the very rare occasions where I've chosen a mentor, it's always occurred via in an in-person meeting, where we've got a sense of each other physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There's a kind of spiritual transmission that occurs in such a meeting. It's not quite the same as a full on spiritual transmission. It's more of an introduction, yet it is significant because it is how you determine if the person you might work with is in fact someone you should work with.

On a different note my experience with stillness has shifted somewhat. I've recently begun to recognize how stillness can be a gravity well, where you are still, but what you need is brought toward you by the gravity aspect of stillness.

7-10-16 First day at Disney. I let my inner child out. I had more fun than I've had in a long time. There were some interesting moments of stillness experienced, particularly in just letting go and having fun, having the experience, and just being in the experience. I'm glad I get to share this experience with my family.

7-11-16 Today I went on a 3 hour tour of Disney land, learning the history and some of the marketing behind Disney Land. What I found most fascinating was how this one person had a vision and stuck with it. He also believed in the imagination and wanted to engage the imagination of people the world over. I'd say he's succeeded. I admire that kind of drive and dedication to one's vision.

7-12-16 Tonight we attended The World of Color presentation. All these people were at it and it was amazing and I could feel this energy going through the crowd, responding to the presentation. It wasn't attention. It was belief. The myopic perspectives that many magicians have about pop culture magic occur because they have little in the way of imagination or capacity to consider that just because something isn't traditional, doesn't mean it can't have power or real impact on people. The experiences I've had over the last few days confirm all over again the validity of pop culture magic. I'll write more about in a separate post, but more than ever I'm quite pleased with how pop culture magic has become more relevant, more prevalent...its not going away, no matter how much some people wish it would would.

7-14-16 Today I started crying...not sad crying, but rather crying because I felt these walls in my heart melt. I felt such love for Kat, such a recognition of how dear she is to me, how much I love her, how much she means to me, how deeply she has touched my life. I've never cried like that for anyone other than when I had to leave my mom when I was young, and its not like I'm leaving Kat, but its rather that I just realize how much I love her, how important she is and how glad I am that we found each other.

7-18-16 Back from Disneyland. It feels surreal. I entered into this alternate dimension for 5 days and now I'm back, but I've been changed by the experience. I'd never been there before, but allowing myself to really get into the experience brought up so many memories from my childhood. For that matter my inner child got to thoroughly come out and enjoy just being a kid again. That's really how I felt, while there. I could just be a kid. It was a life changing experience. I'm still processing it, but I'm so glad I went.

7-21-16 Over the last week I've noticed that my stillness meditation has changed a bit. The experience of Stillness has become like a field of gravity, where I am still, and events, people, etc., are pulled toward me. It's quite fascinating and I'm going to experiment with it further. I know this experience can happen because I've read about it, but until recently it didn't happen with me. And it wasn't something I was looking for so much as it just started to happen on its own.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 20: Fear Unfolding

5-23-16: We're all in a process of learning. There's never a moment where you have it all figured out. Even when you think you have it figured, you'll uncover something else that'll show that you don't. That's something I love about living life. The realizations are't always pleasant or fun, but I'm always learning and that love of learning is what makes life exciting to be apart of.

5-25-16 Today I was hit with this feeling of fear. Fear of change, but also fear of mortality...and I don't mean death, but more like recognizing I'm aging and how much more work has to go into taking care of the body and feeling fear around that. It happened because I was given some new exercises to do by my acupuncturist and then afterwards he did the session with me and in it I just felt this fear come up. When I told him about it, he said that fear is held in by the Kidneys, which is true, so I guess it isn't surprising that as we're continuing to do this work on my lower back, some fears rear their heads, but its no fun to feel it and to recognize how in some ways that fear has shown more subtly in the challenges I'm dealing in my life and business.

I realize I feel a fear of change because I realize I'm not as young as I was. When you're young, you shrug things off, but as you get older, you feel much more intimately the frailty of the flesh and that's scary to recognize. I did some Taoist meditation later on and I'm going to keep working with this fear, which I think of as the fear of the mid life crisis.

5-28-16 The last few days I've been going in deep with that fear I've been feeling and just stilling myself while I'm with it. It washes over me like an ocean wave, the roar of the wave coming down, the power threatening to take me under, but I am still and I allow it to wash over me so I can experience it profoundly and allow myself to recognize the attachment I have to it. The attachment is that the fear, in its own way, is a justification for whatever isn't working.  And so in releasing that attachment I go deeper into the narrative behind that attachment and what I see is how that narrative is really about trying to avoid making changes or adapting to changes, perhaps because so much change has already happened.

6-4-16 Today I thought about an incident that occurred in high school. I was on tennis team, as was this other kid who was a bit of a braggart. No one on the team liked either of us. I was that weird id who wasn't from the area originally, and he was the braggart. So a few of the other kids on the high school team decided to approach me to beat up this other kid. I think they had this notion that because I lived in a city prior to living in York, I'd know how to fight, or maybe they just figured that if both of us fought, we'd both get kicked off the team. So they manipulated me into fighting him. I didn't see at the time. I think I wanted to feel accepted and for once they were being kind of nice to me. So I got into the fight with the braggart. I bloodied my knuckles. He bloodied his. I lost the fight, but he got kicked off the team. We both got manipulated.

So why am I even writing about this? Well I've been doing further work around that fear I felt and not surprisingly anger has come up as well, and part of what comes up with those emotions are the associated memories and experiences you haven't fully dealt with. So I'm writing about that experience because It's something I've held on to...it's been an attachment that's held me back. I've entered into stillness to really feel it and I'll probably do that over the next few sessions because that's how you let go of those attachments that would otherwise hold you back.

6-10-16 I'm feeling really good about some choices I've made professionally and personally as a result of the stillness work I've done. By stilling myself and really checking in with myself I'm not compromising anymore. I'm going to focus on staying true to how I need to show up because that's what really matters. The time I have and really my overall life satisfaction requires that level of honesty. And following through on it, results wise verifies that I'm on the right course.

6-11-16 I've been thinking about my high school experiences a bit, which isn't surprising given that my daughter just graduated from high school. I hated high school. I was an outsider, and it was made very clear to me everyday. When I graduated, I was really happy to finish up and get out. I knew I was leaving behind a place and people that provided little in the way of joy. For some people high school is an experience they miss. They look forward to the reunions and reminiscing over that period of time. I'll never go to a high school reunion because why would I spend time with people who hated me? There's little reason to reminisce. If anything it is now that is important, now that I enjoy because life is so much richer and deeper.

6-13-16 I got featured on a who's who list of occultists. I'll admit to being surprised that I got on any such list. The surprise is there in part because I've made it a point to just do my own thing. I'm not really involved in most of the occult drama that happens on the web or otherwise, and that's become very purposeful on my part, because I'd rather just focus on doing what I do and focus on helping the people who feel called to come my way. I'll just keep doing that and if I get recognized or not, it's all the same to me.

6-22-16 Fear comes in a variety of forms and the work of stillness, in part, is learning how to be present with all those forms of fear so that instead of them controlling you, you learn how to be present with them and work with them to educate yourself. A lot of this month I've just been sitting with my fears, really allowing myself to get to know them. I've found it to be quite empowering in its own right. So often the fear a person feels can stew underneath the surface and erupt, but never really be worked with. In stilling myself and really allowing myself to feel it on my terms, I've opened myself to it and allowed my fear to teach me. It'll be continuing work, but I'm glad I'm doing it.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 19: Acceptance

4-24-16 Yesterday I caught up to the last chapter I written in my superhero novel. It was a scary moment, because now it means I have to start writing the rest of the book. One of the books I've been reading on writing, Ensouling Language, discusses the fear the writer feels at looking at a blank page, or in this case a partially completed chapter, because the writer is revealing something of their selves, but in my experience its also the fear of "will I have anything to write". And that's a tough fear to face down. I feel it every time I start to write. And then I actually write and that fear melts into the writing along with the other emotions and writing is created. I'll admit in this case the fear is can I write fiction again after so long. The only way to find out is to start writing.

4-27-16 I just finished reading a YA book, Life by Committee. I found it quite interesting because the main character basically joins a website where other people come up with assignments for her to do, based on secrets she shares. I suppose what struck me about it was that in some ways it was an abdication of responsibility for her actions, because someone else was making the decisions.

Speaking of that I've decided to write a relationship contract for myself. I realize just how much my relationships are shaped by other influences and a friend suggested that I consider writing a relationship contract....really making a conscious decision on how relationships of any type will look and what my role in them is. I figure its a good idea to try this and see what I come up with from a place of intention.

4-28-16 When you compromise yourself, you compromise everything coming from you, because it has the burden of what you did on it, until such a time as that is changed or resolved. I wrote that today on Facebook, but I'm also writing it here. I have compromised myself sometimes and whenever I have, I've noticed my creativity goes down and I'm not as happy or focused, or anything else I could be. It's a reminder to stay true to myself, stay true to the art, writing and magic and to the people who are important in my life, because when I compromise I'm not showing up for any of that in the way I want. We all do it at one time or another but how much do we give away...more I think than any of us realize and whatever we've gotten in return isn't worth because it is temporary at best.

5-4-16 Sometimes my experience of stillness is the experience of inertia, of nothing moving no matter what you do. The temptation is to give in and stop trying and that may even be justified in the short term, but in the long term it leads to stasis, which I suppose is the ultimate form of stillness. But this is all about finding balance, so that form of stillness doesn't really work in the long run, because there is no balance in stasis.

5-6-16 Occasionally I get into conversations with new acquaintances where they tell me how my work has stood out to them or influenced them. It always surprises me, not the least because for the most part its not something I hear often. I guess I have been hearing it a bit more often though and it's kind of gratifying to hear from someone who says, your work moved me. My work has always been on the fringe of magic and Paganism, not traditional enough for most people, and it took me a long time to accept that. But stick around long enough and I suppose it comes around.

5-7-16 I got into a conversation with my brother yesterday about anger and parenting. What stood out to me about the conversation was hearing how my dad had admitted how unhealthy his anger issues had been for us, but also recognizing a familial history around anger. My dad's anger has always been volcanic...it just erupts. I learned early on to suppress my anger and rage because if I expressed it I got punished for it, but this in turn lead to volcanic eruptions for me with anger, for a long time. I've gotten much better about it over the years because of the internal work I've done around anger, emptiness and other related emotions, but it really stood out to me that I have a similar expression of anger as my brother and my dad have, and this makes me think that my dad must've had similar experiences as a kid, where his dad would have a volcanic anger eruption and my dad would have to keep his feelings to himself. I don't know if that's true, but it likely is, and this gets me thinking about my great-grandfather, his father and so on and so forth. People don't typically think of the family history of an emotion and how it's handled (in no small part because even with today's standards of life span we usually don't meet people in the family more than 3 generations back). But there is a history to such emotions and while I can't have a chat with my grandfather or great-grandfather or his father to discover how they handled anger, I can make an educated guess.

Now you might wonder why I would even bother. Why is this relevant at all? I think it's relevant because if you want to change behavior it's worth understanding where that behavior comes from and not just in terms of where it originates from you, but also where it originates from in your family. I don't know for sure if every male ancestor from my father's side had volcanic eruptions of anger, but recognizing the pattern in myself, my brother and my dad says there's something there and how that helps me is knowing that this pattern of behavior doesn't come from a void. It has a history and origins and that makes it easier to understand and work with. There is so much that informs our identities and I think we often ignore a lot of it because of the shortness of our lives. We don't take the long view, when perhaps we would benefit from at least trying to.

5-14-16 On the rare occasions I run into someone I don't like, I've been using my stillness work to recognize my dislike and then just be still. Today I ran into someone I didn't like and I just stilled myself and let it go. He was just a person I briefly had to deal with and then my day continued on. I like that approach. It's something I'll need to use a couple times in the next couple of months and giving it a test drive today was useful.

5-15-16 I think that some of the biggest challenges I've had with Stillness has really been around maintaining that sense of Stillness. The last few months has been so busy for me and as a result I've felt really challenged to be still or to settle into stillness. Yet I think that challenge has been really appropriate because life doesn't stand still, so if you want to cultivate stillness you've got to be willing to do it while also experiencing life. It's hard work, but its also realistic work.

5-19-16 It's been a crazy week. Kat was sick and as a result my own schedule went upside down. Nothing unmanageable, but it was a lesson in just letting go. I had to let go of my usual schedule and also just put some projects on hold to focus on what was most important: Helping her get back to a place of health and taking care of the rest of the family as well. It was an exercise in Stillness, in its own right, because I just had to accept the situation and work with it. Stillness is about acceptance. You accept the situation. And in that acceptance you actually open yourself to the possibilities in the situation and make it into what it can be.

5-21-16 Kat and I've been watching 12 Monkeys, the TV series, and at one point the father of the main character says "You only fail when you give up." Wise words. I pondered those words a few times this week, thinking about how important it is to never give up on what you are called to do. What being still has provided me is the depth of clarity about why I'm called to do what I do. It's provided me a deeper acceptance about where I am and what I'm doing and helping me not stress about what is or isn't working. And at the same time I've still got to work my process and make things happen. I think I'm beginning to figure out this balance between stillness and doing, being and moving. There is place for being still and yet still doing something...you just have to be patient in figuring out how it works. The beauty of it is that there is so much benefit once you figure that relationship out, because you are able to be still and yet move in a way that works for you.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 18: The Ugly Spirit

3-27-16 What's said in a moment of reaction should always be questioned because it was said in a moment of reaction. It's said with the heat of emotion, which shouldn't be ignored, but you want to question it as well. Acknowledge the emotion, but don't let the emotion define the context so much that something is missed. Not easy work to do in a situation where there's a lot of reaction. However it's necessary work that can save you and other people a lot of grief. And if you do say something in reaction or hear someone say something as a reaction give yourself and/or that person the benefit of the doubt, because chances are what's being expressed is just the service level of what needs to be expressed.

3-28-16 It's so easy to take someone for granted and when you do that it's really because you're so caught up in your own narrative that you aren't seeing the person but instead your seeing your narrative about that person. When you recognize that its time to admit it and still that narrative. Focus on really being open and present to the person instead of just making assumptions. When you do that you'll stop taking the person for granted.

3-29-16 In doing stillness work around appreciation, I realized how much appreciation is about respect and acknowledgement and that if you don't feel those things, it can cause a lot of resentment to build, which creates stagnancy in the relationships you have with people. When I was growing up, I was taught to express appreciation for everything and always made a point to thank people for the things they did for me. I think its a good behavior to have, but it also can bring up some feelings of not being appreciated when you aren't thanked for what you do or share.

4-2-16 I'm reading the Magical Universe of William S. Burroughs, which is a magical biography of the writer. I think I'll write a post in greater detail about my own magical experiences with Burroughs, but in reading the book its gotten me reflecting on how I'm coming full circle with my writing, coming back to what really inspired me as a writer. I'm leaving the dead weight of academia behind and I'm glad I'm doing that because there was a time where I was rather concerned that academia had killed my writing. But that didn't happen. And in reading Burroughs and reading about him, I feel like I'm reconnecting to a perspective as a writer that is experimental and pushes limits...which is part of what writing should be.

4-6-16 Today when I did my stillness work I sat with a feeling of comparison, specifically how I compare myself to other people and how that comparison sometimes creates more internal conflict than really needs to exist. I'm trying to launch my latest class and its been a bit of a flop. I had these high expectations, because I'd taken this class and learned some new skills, so when things didn't turn out quite the way I hoped I started going into that spiral of comparing myself to others. So I just sat with that today and really felt it and recognized how so much of that narrative goes back to things said to me by people over the years. People who I thought would be supportive, but weren't supportive in the way I needed. I told Kat last some of these feelings and she just told me she believed in me. She's been the only person who's consistently told me that and shown it in actions. Having that kind of support, that kind of belief is so precious.

4-7-16 Today Bune and I had a heart to heart conversation. He told me something I really needed to hear: Nothing is deserved, everything is earned. I'm going to actually turn that into a sigil for myself, but he made the point that my writing is how I will earn anything so I have to put my heart and soul, my effort into it if I want to manifest something. And he's right. The last couple of days have been hard but they have also been gifts for me from the universe and I am taking the lessons to heart.

4-9-16 Funny how you read or encounter something wen you need it the most, though as Burroughs put it there is no such thing as coincidence in a magical universe. I'm reading the Business of Wanting More and the author talks about how the lack of fulfillment can be traced to certain basic needs. In my case, its a need for acceptance and connection. I have had trouble connecting to people in a meaningful way and I've not often felt accepted. And those two needs play a big role in what drives me. As the author points out though when you direct the fulfillment of those needs externally, you can never get enough. You become an addict. Thus why people become workaholics, alcoholics, or consumeraholics, among other things. It all goes back to trying to fill up that sense of emptiness, but underneath the emptiness is the narrative of acceptance and connection. Yet if I can't accept myself can I really expect anyone else to or even if I encounter it, can I recognize it? The same applies to connection. So a lot there to sit with and work with. In a way, in choosing to launch JOY, what really happened is that the universe called me out. Tough love.

4-14-16 The last few days I've been rethinking my process on launching classes. Once I got over the disappointment I was feeling I stilled myself and took a hard look at what I was trying to do and how I was doing it. I had to allow myself to feel what I felt, but I couldn't myself become attached to it. There is a difference between feeling something and dwelling on it. I felt the disappointment and then I looked at what happened, so that I could figure out what I could do differently. That's what you do...you look at your process, figure out what works and what doesn't and make changes accordingly.

4-17-16 Burroughs talked about writing the Ugly Spirit out of him. It was something I always identified with. I guess I would call my ugly spirit, the inner asshole. It's that perpetual feeling of dissatisfaction, emptiness and rage that I've grappled with throughout my life. Over the last decade I've painfully managed to come to a somewhat better relationship with it, but its an ongoing work. I suppose the elemental balancing work is, in some ways, really just this ongoing work with this aspect of myself. I look back over the years and I do see this progression and change on my part. But it hasn't been easy for people in my life, let alone myself.

I think we all have an inner asshole or ugly spirit or whatever else you want to call it. Some people work with it or struggle with it and other people just wear it openly and delude themselves into thinking they don't have it. Not everyone's inner asshole shows up in the same way, but they all want to sabotage the person they are part of. And the only thing you can really do is figure out how to work with in a way that actually helps you as a person and addresses what has created the inner asshole.

4-19-16 I had an interesting realization about connection today. On the one hand I want it and on the other hand I'm afraid of it, or maybe its better to say I'm afraid of too much of it. The rationale behind that is that too much connection is letting someone too close, so close they can hurt me and I'm rather protective about that. Something to sit with further as I continue my stillness work.

4-21-16 Kat brought something up yesterday. She suggested that I needed to stop trying to dissolve that part of me I considered the inner asshole. I needed to work with it differently. So I'm going to give it a try and she's going to work with me on it. I've never really trusted someone to work with me in that way, but I trust her because our experiences in the early part of our lives have been similar. She knows me and understands the damage, just as I know her and understand the damage. We understand each other and so I'm going to give her approach a try and see what happens.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 17: Boundaries

2-26-16 I meditated about fulfillment today. One of the challenges I've had in my life is recognizing that fulfillment doesn't come from external sources, but rather from within. You can try and fill your life up with people, and things and adventures, but if you aren't fulfilled all any of that will do is make you feel empty. There are still days where I struggle with my feeling of fulfillment and there are other days where I feel fulfilled. My stillness work has lead me to greater fulfillment, because I've focused on being with myself and whatever I'm feeling instead of doing. Doing has always been the distraction for me.

2-29-16 I went away to RJ. Stewart's and Anastacia's weekend spiritual intensive with Kat. It was a powerful experience. I'm letting things settle and I'm sure that what I've experienced will show up in my other writing, but for this particular post there were a few of things of note that happened, which I've been processing in relationship to my stillness work.

The first is that I got a chance to tell R. J. my regard for him and how I consider him to be my spiritual mentor. I have never given another person such regard, for in general I consider most practitioners to be my peers, but I feel like he is part of a spiritual lineage that I identify with him and I feel rather fortunate to have the chance to learn directly from him. I may not always agree with his perspective, but I have a lot of respect for him and I'm glad to call him a spiritual mentor and also identify with the spiritual lineage that he is a teacher of. During the weekend I ended up receiving a spiritual transmission from him (beyond the class) and I felt honored to have that acknowledgement as well as aware of the responsibility that goes with it.

The second is that Kat and I got into a conversation on the way home about some things that happened when we first got together and at a certain she expressed that she felt it was hard to express and process her feelings, because mine would end up becoming the center of the focus. When she said that it reminded me of something I read the other day on a Facebook post where a woman expressed that she wanted her classes to men, but was worried that they would make the classes about their experience, instead of honoring the focus of the class. Hearing Kat express a similar sentiment made me recognize how I wasn't holding presence with her, so I acknowledged what she said and asked her to express what she needed to and made sure that I kept quiet and listened. It's something I'm going to keep working on, in myself, because while I want to be heard, I also want to make sure I am listening.

The third is that I've been meditating further on fulfillment and my relationship with it. As I've noted before, I've sent much of my life looking externally for fulfillment. It's never worked and in doing the stillness work, I've been able to more fully come to grips with that. What stillness consistently teaches me is that embracing the unrest, as opposed to expressing it, is the key to achieve a place of deep connection with myself and with the world and universe at large. As simple as that sounds, there are days where its really hard, but in keeping at it I find it getting easier.

3-6-16 I've always felt a sense of dissatisfaction, for as long as I can remember. That dissatisfaction has driven me and driven my dysfunctions. I was sitting with that today and also with just the pain I've caused other people because of my issues. So often people get fixated on their issues and how those issues effect them, but they don't always recognize how their issues effect other people in their lives. And the only way to find out is to ask someone how have I hurt you and then listen as best as possible without reaction. When you can do that, then you've taken on another level of responsibility for your issues because you now know how they affect other people.

As a follow-up to that. When you can hold space with someone you've wronged, that's when healing for both of you can happen. And it needs to happen or you hold on to anger and resentment and that doesn't do you any good. Sometimes the very act of acknowledging the harm you caused also opens the door to getting acknowledged on your end.

3-8-16 I learned a lesson about stillness and reaction today. When you are put into a position of being between a rock and a hard place, the temptation to react is huge. You're in a very uncomfortable position and you want to get out of it, but the answer isn't to react, but instead to really sit with the discomfort until you come to a place of proactive awareness or a means of reacting minimally. You may find that a reaction is all that can happen, but if that's the case, make it into something that gives you power. Make it into something that truly represents you and at the same time make sure that what it really does is speak for your values and truth, instead of someone else's.

Sometimes, as well, making a brief statement is all you need to make. It's briefness may speak for itself.

My friend Kelli recently pointed out that I've had a number of situations come up where I've had to draw boundaries and it's true. Since November, in one form or another I've had to make some boundary calls. It makes me wonder if that's another aspect of Eligos, especially as it relates to his relationship with time.

3-14-16 Today I'm sitting with some anger and sadness over a recent situation. I was going to present at a conference in April, but I backed out because one of the other people was promoting racism. That person is now gone on from the event, which is good, but this whole situation just bothers me. What I'm sad about really is that this was the last event I had scheduled for this year. I am not, so far as I know, presenting anywhere else this year. And that's my choice. I took a deliberate stand on conventions and presenters and if one of the consequences is that I don't present somewhere, that's my consequence to live with and I am living with it. I'll get over it eventually, especially because my asymmetrical strategy is bearing fruit, but you still sit with that realization of a choice and it hits you hardest when you realize you've hit that place of no return. I guess I already hit that place, but maybe its the fact that I know I'm not going to go out of my way to present...that the only way I know I'll present is if I'm contacted and people express that they want me and are willing to invest in me. I know it's a smart and good move, but it still hits when you purposely choose to take a step.

It's another lesson in patience. I'm learning all these different ways I need to be patient and that is its own challenge in stillness work, especially in a "I want it now" world of Western commercial culture. I'm actually quite good at being patient. I had to wait many years before I could move in with my mom, when I was a kid. I had to be patient then, because a kid wasn't considered to know enough about what I wanted (never mind that I wanted to live with my mom a lot earlier than when I got to). This is just another type of patience. I'm being patient on multiple fronts and working my process and through it all taking every reaction, every emotion and stilling it so that it can all be redirected in a way that's useful. That's a significant part of how stillness work happens.

3-20-16 Another interesting aspect about boundaries (I wrote a post about Eligos and boundaries recently) is realizing when boundaries need to be created or enforced because too much growth is just as bad as not enough growth. Knowing when to say we need to slow down or stop at least for now is important. Respecting that boundary can make a significant difference in a person's life, a community, and so much else. In its own way its another form of stillness.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 16: Patience

1-22-16 Something I've been realizing the last week or so is that if I'm going to make all the changes I want to make to my respective businesses and also to me, I really need to give myself the time and space to do it. At the same time I've also got to take good care of myself. Today I was feeling a struggle between getting my exercise in and just working away on the projects I'm focused on and I realized I was falling into a scarcity trap. So I stopped myself, took a deep breath and looked at the scarcity trap for what it was and then decided to get my exercise in. Making that time is important because its what recharges me and gives me the fuel to put into the businesses. And this is stillness in action. Recognizing patterns of behavior that are holding me up, stopping to work through the obstructions and then continuing on to do what needs to be done.

1-26-16 I left the networking groups I was part of yesterday. I think it's a good move as I continue with the class work I'm doing through Thrill. I need the time to continue to shepherd my businesses through their evolution. Speaking of evolution, I've been continuing to swim fairly regularly and I'm enjoying it. When I'm swimming its moments of the physical experience with occasional flashes of thought, which usually end up pointing to something I can work through and dissolve. Today's was acknowledging a trait I find annoying in another person, yet I also sometimes exhibit. What we don't like about someone else is usually an indicator of what we don't like about ourselves (though not always). Mixed in with the ongoing stillness meditation, the swimming is proving quite helpful with the internal work.

1-27-16 Today in meditation I opened myself up to the feelings of fear and anxiety and fully became present with them. Feeling those emotions so raw wasn't easy. I felt my stomach knot up, but in sitting with them I was also able to go deeper into them and work with feelings of guilt and shame that were underlying the fear and anxiety. Fascinating how it all fits together. I'm still feeling it now as I write this, but I'm glad I'm open to the feeling because you can't do anything with it if you just bury it. And you can't do anything with it if you obsess over it. You just have to feel it, dissolve and continue on. I know what I'm feeling is because I'm making some good changes, but its natural to feel what I'm feeling as I work through those changes. so long as I keep it in perspective and use it to my advantage.

2-9-16 So there's a gap here where there were entries made, but due to website issues those entries are gone and unfortunately I can't remember everything I wrote. What I do remember is that in one of my recent meditations, Zadok visited and explained that one of the reasons I'm experiencing some trouble with my stillness meditation is because stillness does deal with change sometimes and learning how to handle that change while being present with stillness is one of the challenges. I found it to be helpful advice, because it is a reminder that you have to learn how to mediate forces you work with in various circumstances. Zadok doesn't visit a lot, so when he does I always pay attention.

On a different matter, I'm really grateful to my kids and the reason for that is because I learn a lot from them in our conversations. I've always felt that its important to keep an open mind, and to really stay open to learning from a variety of sources. I learn a lot from each of them, because while I may have more life experiences under my belt, it doesn't automatically those experiences trump their own. It just gives me a different perspective, but sometimes their perspective really helps me appreciate life from a different place. I'm glad they are a part of my life.

2-10-16 My friend Felix recently observed that I am much happier than I was in October. This is true. I made some choices that feel right to me and as a result I don't feel weighed down by being in circumstances where I'm supporting something I don't agree with. When you get rid of what you don't agree with, when you step away from circumstances that you know aren't right, it liberates you and allows you to focus on what really is important, what you really want to put your life and energy toward.

2-11-16 Today as I meditated, feelings of hate came up. There was a time in my life when hate and anger were what fueled my life. It's been a long time since that was the case, and today, in recognizing the emotion, I opened myself to it and just felt it. I didn't think about it. I felt the jagged, bitter sweet rush that simultaneously constricts you and also sets you afire. I felt it and I let it go. That's what stillness really brings...the ability to feel what you're feeling and to let it go, while you discover what's underneath. You feel that as well and you let it go. The attachments fade away and what you're left with is your energy, not focused on someone or something else, but focused on what's really important, which for me is living my life on my terms.

2-17-16 The last few days has been a trial of stillness. This website went down and I went to a resource who could fix it, but I had to wait and be still. Not easy, especially for a big trip, but the website is back and what being still in this case helped me with was not reacting to a situation beyond doing what I needed to get it under control. I let go of everything else and focused on figuring out a proactive future response and then focused on what I could do elsewhere. Still feels good to have the site back up where it belongs.

2-18-16 Something I've been realizing lately about people I don't like. I don't like people who have no substance or hide their depth behind a mirror sheen image designed to deflect people away from knowing them. Whether its the love and light mystic who doesn't own their own shit, or the shallow status seeking materialist who has to have the latest Apple phone and computer and whatever else, but has nothing substantive to offer to the world, I just don't like those people. I have no use for them, because frankly they're fakers who are too afraid to do the hard work of owning their own shit and working through their issues. They can create whatever image they want, but its just an illusion that they're using to hide from themselves, as much as anyone else, and any person with some real perception will see through them really quick.

2-20-16 At Convocation. It's been a good trip so far, with classes well attended, and the opportunity to meet new people, including one person who I hope will start up a new chapter of magical experiments. I'll follow up with her once I'm back home, but it would be good to have another group up and running and encouraging the kind of thinking and exploration we need in magical work. I've been continuing the stillness work and I find it to be very grounding, which is helpful. I miss Kat. It's interesting to realize just how essential a person is to your life, when you really allow them in.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness month 15: Respect

12-24-15 Writing those two open letters to the Pagan convention organizers has taken a weight off of me that I've carried for a long time. I'm glad I did it, regardless of what happens as a result. My meditations this last week have been a little scattered, but that's usually the case when you're dealing with something on your mind. I've been continuing to read and work through Awakening the Luminous Mind and some of the focus has been on the mind being empty. In doing the stillness work I've had moments where I've achieved a state of deep stillness and awareness without conceptual thought...and other times I've just had thoughts and emotions buzzing away in my mind. When you do this kind of internal work, both experiences can be valuable for different reasons. The thoughts and emotions can be that pain identity that needs to be experienced letting you know its there and that deep stillness can be that rich state of connection to everything that has no obstruction or block in place and is sublime in its experience. Acceptance of both experiences is essential. Focusing on trying to reach one experiences creates an attachment that actually pushes you further away. In a sense you just have to be willing to go with the experience you've got in the moment and see where it leads you.

12-27-15 Today I sat with feelings of fear, resentment, and shame around money and specifically spending money when it comes to kids. In sitting with it, inevitably what came up was my own experiences as a kid being transferred onto the current situation. While its fair to say that a lot of my basic needs were met, what I did encounter was that if I wanted something, I needed to earn it (which I think is reasonable) but when I got it would often be taken from me shortly after, because I'd be grounded for whatever stupid reason was the latest one. I also learned to be very thrifty because I would be told we can't afford that, which has its good and bad sides. So here I was today sitting with these feelings that had come up and recognizing how much those feelings contribute to my issues around money. I'm always trying not to spend it on anything not essential (according to me) but conversely also sometimes spending it on me. It's a weird dynamic, a double standard really and I don't like that either. So I sat with these emotions today and just felt them as they dissolved into stillness and I'll keep working with them so that I can resolve these issues. I think it'll lead to an even better relationship with my wife and kids, and also money, because I'm certain that some of this is sabotaging all of the above relationships.

1-1-2016 I came up with a collage for 2016, based on the theme of Respect. The last few months have involved a process of starting to respect myself in ways I never had before. Not surprisingly, this also extends to respecting other people more. There have been occasions in my life where I'e loathed myself and once a while I still feel that way, like when I recognize how I've hurt someone important to me in my life. Yet I also have something different than what I had before, a sense of certainty about myself, a conscious holding of space that I've worked hard to establish. That holding of space is carrying me forward into the work around respect I'm doing.

1-2-16 I've been reading the Outlander series as my brain candy reading. It's a good series, but one thing which stands out to me is how jealousy and possessiveness are treated in a favorable light. I have experienced bother emotions and what I've come away with is how much they're attachments. I think it's natural to feel jealous or possessiveness, but if its unexamined, it can become a fixation, an obsession. At the same time, its worth noting that sometimes what a person wants is to feel like they have a place with someone else. Will this person keep me? Will this person be committed to me? Jealousy and possessiveness is a kind of response. What I've learned with my own experience is just how important it is to be present with what I'm feeling so that if I choose to do something I'm not just reacting, but really figuring out what's informing my feelings so I can come at the situation from the right place.

1-5-16 I feel so happy and excited, so alive with possibility. Part of this is because of the Thrill class I'm taking, which is already helping me make changes in how I run my businesses. I'm respecting myself in a way I never have before, but more than that I'm stepping boldly into my identity and making it part of who and what I offer to anyone who wants to work with me. I've already made just a few changes and one of my businesses is taking off in a way it never had before. This is going to be a year of change and transformation, but I've already invited that in with the King's ride and I plan to go a lot further, with my businesses and my magical practice. This is the year of Respect and I'm taking it all the way to the top!

1-6-16 Today I signed up with the local recreation center so I can use their swimming pool. Swimming is a low-impact exercise that'll be good for for my joints. The irony is I haven't liked swimming for a long time due to being forced to take swimming lessons and go the swimming pool everyday when I was 14...seems like an opportunity to do some internal work around that. Plus it'll help me get to a healthier place with my body. I feel like doing this will allow me to connect with another part of myself that needs some healing and respect...do something that challenges me to go deeper.

1-7-16 I went swimming today for the first time. I can really feel it in my body, after the fact, but I actually kind of did enjoy it. This is me taking swimming back for myself so I can enjoy it again.

1-9-16 I started reading Magic Simplified by Draja Mickaharic. One of the very first things he says that is that desire is the first step to Manifestation, but that the other steps are more important. In considering what he wrote, I agree. Desire is a start, but means nothing without additional steps. It's potential, but potential becomes nothing without doing something to provide it form. As always I find Draja's work insightful, in no small part because of how practical it really is and also how simple it is. Simplicity is elegance with anything.

1-12-16 Sometimes you get hit with a moment of realization and it hits you hard. for me it was looking at the schedules of several conventions and realizing that after this year I may not be back at those conventions. A moment of panic and fear rose up and then I stilled myself and asked myself what the consequences were and they really weren't that bad or significantly different than what I'm already dealing with. I suppose as well that one of the reasons I'm feeling this way is because I'm making some big changes in everything I'm doing and it's a little overwhelming. Yet I know the end result will be worth it, for my sense of respect and my overall success. Winds will rise, rain will fall, storms will blow...stay the course to what is true for you.

1-15-16 Even though I'm working with the element of stillness, it really doesn't feel that way this month. There's lots of movement going on and I'm ok with that...it just makes me realize how you can't be still forever...inevitably you'll be moved and you'll need to move...and discover balance with all of that. Something else I've realized. I am not a conformist and I should take that desire not to conform and infuse it in all of my businesses. When I do that, it's part of what makes me come to life.

1-19-16 I'm working through some feelings of anger right now. Anger at all the times I was told what I could do or couldn't do, who I could be or couldn't be. All the times someone tried to control me, what I learned was to bury my anger and at the same time use it to subvert the people trying to control me. I couldn't express my anger directly, so I sabotaged them in whatever way I could...and that pattern has stayed in my life, showing up in other relationships. I see it now and I own it. It's a pattern I no longer need to keep in my life. It makes me both sad and angry. Sad that this pattern has been in my life so long and angry that it even came about in the first place when it didn't need to be. I just needed them to believe in me, instead of trying to control me. I just needed to be accepted for who I am instead of having someone try and make me into someone I'm not. Why couldn't I just be good enough as I was.

1-21-16 Today I feel balanced and focused. This has been an odd month. There hasn't been a lot of stillness in it and I've struggled to find it and yet also have allowed myself to be carried along the changes I've prompted for myself. When I've found stillness, it's been when I've allowed myself to be carried by the movement. In that motion I have nonetheless become still and through that found clarity in all this change I'm causing.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 14: Shame and Respect

11-25-15  Yesterday I finished writing all the changes to the magical experiments site (for now). It's funny that even in taking a retreat from writing, I'm still writing...just not writing for anyone else. Taking this retreat has been good for me though, because how I write for other people will change as a result of taking it. I value my writing and myself enough to make that change and whether anyone else appreciates that or not is a moot point I suppose. What matters is that I'm respecting myself as an artist and author.

11-29-15 Tomorrow's the last day of the retreat. It's been a good experience for me to just slow down and take stock of who I am and how that's showing up in my life. I'll admit I find it a bit ironic that I actually did a fair amount of writing during this retreat, but it wasn't writing for other people...it was writing for my businesses and me. Eligos has really been helpful through this and I plan on doing a lot more work with him as a result. He's become part of the pantheon of my life.

12-1-15 Part of my realizations around shame and respect has to do with the fact that I've compared myself to other people doing what I do. I don't think the comparison is really helpful. It has a shame component built into it I ask myself why do I even do it and inevitably what I come back to is that I'm a fairly competitive person, but also that so much of that comparison comes down to wanting to fuck with authority figures. Take that back further and that wanting to fuck with authority figures goes all the way back to childhood and wanting to feel empowered in a situation where I didn't have any power and so now that's displaced onto this comparison thing and there's shame mixed in because part of me is saying, "Well you must not be good enough, if these people are doing what you do so much better than you." It sucks and I feel this choking feeling. But I just need to sit with it, forget the comparison and the desire to fuck with authority which really has nothing to do with these people and just sit with the feeling of shame and let it unfold. It's so hard to do, yet I need to do it so much if I ever really want to shine.

I'm not respecting myself if I choose to do something because someone else is doing it. Anything I do needs to come from a place of genuine respect for myself. What I offer will be better for it, for myself, and the people wanting what is offered.

12-2-15 Today I invoked Abrimel and Ponclast (part of Dehara) to help me work through the competitive shame I was feeling. I let myself feel the emotion in my body. I found that it was rooted in my belly and it gave me some insight into how I eat...that eating in some ways is a response, a way to feel good and yet really to bury the emotions in my stomach that I don't want to feel. I was always told as a young kid that I was a good eater, one of the only compliments I ever got. Some food for thought with that one. Anyway Abrimel and Ponclast just helped me to hold space with what I was feeling. As I dove into the feeling of shame around my competitiveness I felt that pain rise up and at the same time unravel, revealing various memories and experiences I'd had. I felt tears running down my face as I heard that phrase, "You're a disappointment." I saw/experienced my own response, my determination to do my own thing and to undermine this person who saw fit to judge me for my choices. And at the same time I felt the rage and shame just set me up to do things in a harder way than I needed to. I stayed and felt this shame for a while. I'll revisit it tomorrow, sit with it, embrace it and then let it go.

12-6-15 As I meditated today, I ended up working with shame in regards to wanting to be noticed, which certainly plays a role in my competitive nature. When I grew up I was neglected by my dad and step-mom unless I did something bad at which point I was told what a disappointment I was and grounded and sometimes punished in other ways. Even if I was doing an activity such as chorus, I was told it wasn't good enough and why was I wasting time doing an activity like that as opposed to playing some sport or another. Later in my teenage years this same feeling came up in relationship to my "peers" and how popular or unpopular a person was. To me, getting noticed has played a simultaneous role of either not being good enough or being valued for something by someone. There's a lot shame there and I realize part of it is based on the lack of self-esteem and respect I've had for myself because I wasn't good enough...or I needed someone else's approval to be good enough. I'm done with that. I don't need someone else's approval to be good enough. What I need is to respect myself and be shameless about what I love doing. And if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, that's fine, but I don't need their approval to do what I wish to do.

12-7-15 Today I meditated on how insignificant I feel. It was prompted by seeing the schedule of another author the other day and seeing how many events this person is presenting at. Instantly competitive jealousy unsheathed its claws and  I sat with it some last night as I was telling Kat about it. Today I sat with it further and I realized that I feel insignificant and part of being noticed is feeling significant, feeling like what I'm doing actually matters. What if it doesn't? I felt so small. Yet who was making me feel small? Me. No one else. Just me and my inner demons. I can let them do that or I can do something about it. I suppose that's what all this work is about. I'm doing something about it. Feeling insignificant is hard, especially when you sit with it, but so is sitting with any of the things I've been sitting with. You sit with it, open yourself to the experience, open yourself to the pain identity and it hurts and yet you see how it's defined your behavior and actions, defined your identity and so it becomes a question of whether you want that to continue being your identity or if you want to liberate yourself from that identity. I choose the latter.

12-11-15 Sometimes you do so much internal work that you become that work. It's another form of pain identity. Yes the internal work is important, but you've got to balance it with practical work as well.

12-16-15 The last few days have been really good for me. Kat and I had a long talk about my feelings of competitive jealousy and she helped me see just how much I was giving my energy to the people I'd been feeling jealous of. When you become a hater, you become that person's servant. You hate them for it, but you serve them because you're focused on them and their activities. Letting that go is another form of embracing shamelessness about who I am because I'm not letting me identity be defined any further by someone else.

I've also been doing some further thinking about how I write. I'm recognizing that I need to incorporate story and mythology into my writing. I've been studying how this other person writes, who I'll be taking a class from and trying my own version of viral writing out and each time I'm learning something from the writing and also from what she does.  I'm excited about the possibilities for my business and look forward to seeing what else I can do.

12-20-15 Today and yesterday I rolled the dice and called out issues I have with the Pagan convention circuit. Pretty much since the beginning I've had issues with how things are run, but I always held back from saying anything because I didn't want rock the boat or for other reasons. I'll admit I'm a bit anxious about doing it, but all this work around shame and respect has made it clear to me that I need to stop holding myself back. I may not always like the consequences, but if I do nothing I'll like that result even less. I know there will be some people who don't like what I have to say, but when has that ever not been the case? Genuine change doesn't occur without risk and so I'll take the risk and adapt to whatever results occur, knowing I can live with myself as a result.

12-21-15 I didn't sleep much last night. Writing those two posts and sitting with the resultant anxiety wasn't easy. At some point Kat woke up and noticed my restlessness and I told her my fears...that I might alienate some fellow presenters I know, that I might never present again and she told me that taking my stand was what I needed to do and that she'd seen the numerous times I'd felt frustrated with the inequities I'd observed. She told me that yeah I'd taken a stand and maybe as a result I wouldn't be at other conventions, but that I'd find a way to succeed and that I had already made the choice not to be at those conventions anyway so what was I really worried about? And she's right. I will find a way to succeed. I couldn't continue to just participate in a system I didn't agree with and while I recognize that perhaps what I'm calling for is asking for a lot, I also think if nothing is ever said, nothing is ever changed. If the result, for me, is that I'm blacklisted, I can accept that as the price for pushing for some much needed change.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 13: Shame

10-22-15 When you have a reaction to a situation, its worth spending some time pulling it apart. Yes you can feel whatever emotions come up, but afterwards explore why you feel that way and what created that feeling of tension and reaction. Unfortunately as easy as this is to write, to do it can be harder to execute. People can think they are doing internal work by simply recognizing what they feel and that's a good first step, but to really do internal work involves actually working through the feelings and understanding the conditioning involved. For example, I recently had a situation come up where my name was associated in a manner I hadn't been notified about. I felt upset for a few different reasons, but after the situation was resolved, I spent some time exploring what I felt and connecting it to other moments in my history, as well as pulling apart the reasons for my feelings. I stilled myself to really uncover what was underneath the reaction and the result is that I feel I understand why I felt that way and I know I need to do some work around how I value myself, and why certain external cues bring up the feeling of not having value. If I just felt what came up, but didn't go deeper, there'd be no opportunity to meaningfully change the behavior and become a better person in the process.

10-24-15 Yesterday I was reading Awakening the Luminous Mind and the author talks about the importance of awareness. It's not enough to be open to an experience, you also need to be aware of it and aware of yourself. It might seem like awareness and openness should go hand in hand, but the author makes the point that awareness allows you to fully bring yourself into the space you are in. You aren't just there, but rather fully present. It's an interesting point to make and one I'm appreciating as I consider how aware I am when I'm in a given space.

10-29-15 The pain body and identity is the pain that defines your life and thoughts. It can be your desires and whatever you are attached to. It's also what stops you from fully coming into your own. Tenzin points out that genuine confidence comes from not having anything to lose and being fully open to stillness. I'm definitely not there. I can feel my pain identity and how it shapes me, but I can also acknowledge it and be much more aware of it than I had been previously and that is a huge step forward.

10-30-15 Today I worked with a facet of my pain identity, or rather I opened myself up to holding space with it and being still and as a result I felt it dissolve and clear away into space. It felt really good. At first it was just this block defining me, creating this identity around an issue and then I opened myself to it, really felt it and it just relaxed and released.

11-2-15 At this time of year I usually hit a place of burnout and this year is no exception so I've decided to give myself a month off to focus on and recalibrate my business. It's clear to me that part of my challenge is that I don't connect with people on an identity level, at least not enough. I'm saying that because I see other people who do and their writing is more personable on an emotional level. I've always been an information person, but that's not helping me with my businesses, so I'm taking some time to consider that realization and figure out what I can do with it, as well as wrap up a couple of projects.

11-3-15 Yesterday I wiped my whiteboard clean. I got rid of all the projects on it and it felt like I was getting rid of a lot of clutter. I wiped the board clean and created Tabula Rasa. It felt good. Later I put only the projects on it that need immediate action from me. I think I need to do that from now on...It just makes it easier for me to do the work well instead of getting overwhelmed by everything else.

I've also started working with Eligos, a goetic Daemon who has some interesting influences with both time and writing. I've actually decided to take ab break from my usual routines for November, prompted in part by him. Today I was thinking revising some of the writing on my website and he chimed in and said just let it percolate. Let yourself be still and just think about the writing and feel it. Don't rush it. So I'm not going to rush it. It'll still be there when I'm ready for it.

11-4-15 Today in a conversation with a fellow business owner and writer, it became clear that part of the issue I'm facing with my writing is that it's not heart centered enough...not the writing that needs to move people enough that they want to make a decision. I've felt that way before, but Eligos tells me I need to really sit with that realization and NOT write (Beyond what I'm doing here). That's tough, because I want to write and yet I know he's right (There's a pun in there somewhere). So I'm taking a deep breath and not writing. I'm being still and allowing myself to get in touch with my identity as a writer. Also in that conversation I recognized how much academia still influences my writing, and that's fine for the books, but not so much for online writing, not if I want people to read and comment and otherwise care about what I'm doing. I've got lots of ideas swirling and I know that what I need to do is just sit with them. It's hard to do, but worth doing as well.

11-6-15 Today I saw the activity of someone I consider a competitor and I felt some jealousy because this person is pretty successful. Then I really sat with that jealousy and I realized something profound. Underneath that jealousy, the root of what I felt was shame. The shame of not feeling good enough, of not having everything in place and perfect. I really sat with that feeling of shame and just let myself hold space with it. It was hard because I realized how much shame has motivated my reactions and how much I've pushed it down and drawn on other emotions. And it doesn't just show up in my business or writing, but also in other areas of my life,yet I recognize that if that emotion is part of what's going into something I'm writing, it's certainly an influence on an emotional/energetic level and one I'd prefer not to have.

11-8-15 I looked at my whiteboard today and I was struck by the thought that I need to erase it at the end of each day and then in the morning only put on it what I think I'll work on that day. Otherwise I'm just seeing this list of things I need to get to and sitting with the reality that I haven't gotten to them. That creates its own sense of burnout I realize, because I'm reminded of what needs to be done and that I haven't gotten to it. It also clutters my mind instead of helping me focus. The potential downside is I might not remember something I need to work on, but as Eligos points out, if its truly important won't you remember it anyway? It's a good question. So I think I'll try that with the whiteboard...put on it what I think I can get to and then eras it at the end of the day. A clean slate opens the way to possibility.

11-9-15 I've started rewriting the magical experiments website. Part of my reason for rewriting the website is because I want my authentic voice to come through and I don't know that it always does. In some ways, I've gotten so caught up in trying to master a marketing/sales formula, but it hasn't really enabled me to present my voice, which ultimately hurts my efforts. So I feel really good making changes on the site, because I think it'll allow my voice to come through and give readers genuine access to me.

11-11-15 Today I did some deeper exploration of shame. I realize that shame has shown up in my professional life, in the sense that I have never really felt respected and have felt that I've always had to struggle to be recognized. I think at least some of that is a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I also know some of it is based on experience, particularly with how people treated my pop culture magic work (the last laugh is mine on that though). However I've used those experiences to continually justify a self-defeating perspective, a shame perspective that has influenced how I've presented myself, my writing and my businesses. It's not something I care to continue to do and so this recognition is important because with it I'm able to change that internal narrative that has otherwise held me back. I feel the shame in my heart, solar plexus and belly physically. The essential message of that shame is I'm not good enough...I'm a disappointment, handed to me by my father who would tell me I was a disappointment for not measuring up to how he thought I should do with grades, or other activities. But this shame has continued with the feeling of workaholicism, the constant need to prove myself. You know...I don't need to prove myself anymore and I feel like any work I do will come from a place of genuine desire and joy instead of shame.

11-14-15 The last few days have been quite interesting. I got to see the New Alexandrian Library, and taught classes at Ivo Dominguez Jr's place (and I'm actually allowed to do a separate post about the library for this month since its a special occasion. And now I'm visiting my mom in York. It's weird being back in York after over a decade of not living here. There are places that are the same and places that have changed. I feel bittersweet nostalgia as I look at some of the places I visit, such as where I met my first girlfriend, first had sex, as well as just being in a place that wasn't easy to live in because I didn't fit the standard. Being back here is strange, and yet good. I get to see my mom after all.

In other news, I called on Eligos during my workshop, which he was cool with, but which also indicates that yes we're going to work more closely together. I'm still continuing to do a lot of work around shame. Even as I was teaching the workshops, I was carefully monitoring my own responses and reactions and caught some things I'll be exploring further because I think it'll help me work with shame even further.

11-16-15 I decided to sign up for a class on how to write for the social web. I feel anxious and excited. I'm a good writer, but I can be a better writer. Just as importantly I really want to make a living at what I'm doing and getting some help with that is well worth it. If you don't challenge your strengths, you'll never know how far you can really go.

11-18-15 In Awakening the Luminous Mind, the author makes an interesting point about hope that I've been mulling over the last couple days. He explains that hope disguises a hidden fear of lack within people and that if we examine hope we'll discover that it creates attachment about what you want to receive from other people...in other words a person hopes that someone will fill up their own sense of lack. In considering this perspective on hope, I've come to agree with the author. I recognize this in my feelings of hope. I want something or someone to fill up my sense of lack...which is really an unfair attachment to put on someone else. It also is a continuation of the lack because no one else can fill up the sense of lack you feel in your life (as I've discovered the hard way numerous times). This isn't to say hope can't be a good feeling to experience, because sometimes it can be, such as when you feel about a new job or hope about some endeavor you are doing. It becomes a negative feeling when you don't recognize the sense of lack that underlies it or how the hope is a form of attachment holding you back from being in touch with yourself.

11-20-15 I'm a brim with inspiration for my businesses! I feel excited about them! I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I do now. It's a marvelous feeling. This month off from my regular routines...I needed it. You can't get unstuck until you are willing to step away from what you are stuck in.

11-23-15 Something I've been meditating on the last few days is how you hold space with the feeling of shame you have around people you've harmed. It's not easy because what you're facing is your capacity to hurt people and recognizing that in fact you can and have hurt people. I think most people would like to believe they don't have it in them to hurt someone else, other than inadvertently, but if we're really being honest, I think if anything most people have the capacity and at some time or another do so deliberately, for whatever reason. Certainly I have done that and it's no easy thing to sit with, to realize what an utter bastard I can be, and yet also recognize how much of that is informed by my own insecurities and weaknesses and fears. And holding that while actually also holding space with someone you've hurt...even harder and yet oh so necessary if you are ever going to make things right (if they can be made right). I think working with shame is really opening some doors for me in regards to my sabotages and failures.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Stillness Month 12: Control

9-27-15 I had some important realizations this weekend that have helped me to put some behavior into the right context. Sometimes you need to have a conversation that provides a different frame of reference, because that reference provides the necessary context for you to make informed choices and decisions. Or it helps you understand a point of view that doesn't come to you naturally. I'm also practicing a lot of stillness in all of this realization, holding space with my feelings, without getting attached to them. Projections become regrets, which hold you back from really being present with the moment you are in. Stilling the self allows for the acknowledgement, but also the letting go of those projections and attachments, so they don't become regrets.

9-28-15 I've observed before that I have a tendency to realize an issue and react to it. I sat with that further today in meditation and I recognized how I haven't honored myself or the people important to me because I've been too quick to act. While recognizing an issue and doing nothing about isn't healthy, nor is quickly reacting to it. So I'm really just sitting with what I'm feeling and taking my time with it. I don't need to have a quick solution. I need to have a response that is considered and fully allows me to make a change that actually is helpful because it considers everyone involved. I don't think I've ever given myself time to heal and consider what has happened in the relationships I've been in. I've jumped from relationship to relationship and repeated at least some of the mistakes, because I didn't give myself time to heal and learn from my experiences. This time with stillness has helped me to finally recognize this about myself and I'm just sitting with it because I've never done that before.

10-3-15 In Awakening the Luminous Mind, the author talks about stillness as being able to be present with emptiness. As I read about stillness as a refuge for the body, and how it allows the person to experience the state of emptiness as a changelessness, it helped me appreciate stillness in a different way. I felt like something unfolded in me and I was able to go deeper into the stillness than I had before. I was able to experience it as a refuge. This deeper experience made me realize that I need to spend more time with stillness and my inner contacts seem to agree. It's one of those experiences where the consistent work piles up to produce a realization that in turn takes you even deeper into the work.

10-4-15 Woke up this morning reflecting on control in my life and what a weird relationship I have with it. When I was growing up, my parents raised in a simultaneously strict and free environment. I could go off and do whatever I wanted, with little to no oversight, and yet they could also be very strict with me. For example they didn't care if I wandered around the neighborhood, but if I wanted to play video games, I was strongly encouraged not to and frequently grounded so I couldn't (and yet I could wander around). What this really told me is that as long as I wasn't in their space, they didn't care what I did or din't do. To some degree this pattern has replicated itself in my romantic relationships, where I've been with partners who've tried to control me in some ways and in other ways haven't cared what I did, as long as I wasn't in their space. What I've always resented is the feeling of someone trying to control me in one particular way or another and as a result I'll fight back and sabotage the relationship, much like I did with my parents. I would find ways to undermine their control over me, but I never directly communicated with them about my issues with their parenting because I was a child and also because I'd have gotten punished as opposed to communicated with. The problem is that the pattern carried into adulthood and into my relationships so that instead of communicating openly with my partners, I would end up sabotaging them in some form or manner. I think if I had communicated better, I'd have likely either had healthier relationships or gotten out of them a lot earlier than I did. That said at least I can recognize the pattern and do something about it now.

10-9-15 You have control of your behavior. You may feel like you don't...you may feel you are at the mercy of some of your behavior, but if you do the internal work and dig down far enough you'll recognize that you do have control and that you do have reasons for doing whatever you are doing. Perhaps you aren't consciously in touch, but that can be remedied. The real question is what do you do when you figure out why you are doing certain behaviors? At that point you definitely have control and its up to you to make choices you can live with, as well as accept consequences for.

Another thought related to the above. Internal conflict is both a distraction and a recognition of some sorts. It's a distraction because its something you are focused on, trying to resolve, but its also a recognition that if you get your act together, you'll be dynamic.

On yet another note...I will likely never be one of the cool kids of the occult. I have over the years watched with fascination who is "in" and who isn't and I am definitely not in, by any stretch. I've always been on the outskirts, and I've learned I just have to make my own space, my own community, and if I do that eventually people find their way to me. Feels that way with pop culture magic. Eleven years ago it wasn't cool. Now I see more people writing about it, doing it, etc., and I imagine it'll continue to become more accepted as more people about it and try it. The cool kids don't innovate. The innovators are the people on the outskirts doing something other people won't do because it's not "in." You stick with what's in and there won't be much change or evolution of a discipline. You have to be willing to go outside what's conventional and take a risk. You won't be a cool kid...you'll get a lot of flak or just people not getting what you do until suddenly they do get it, but you've already moved on, because the outskirts have moved as well.

10-14-15 When I observe other people who have some degree of fame or presence, what I also inevitably observe is the silent partner, the person who supports the celebrity of the family. I've also noticed that if you put two people together who have some degree of fame, inevitably there is a clash of some sort because there is a competition then. It's an interesting phenomenon to observe, and at the same time I also notice that if each person is a celebrity, but in a different sphere than the other then it can work out quite well because you can take turns supporting each other.

10-15-15 When you are feeling frustration around an issue, it can be useful to spend some time with it, instead of just venting it. It's not easy to feel and work through, but what it can reveal are deeper issues being covered up or glossed over when you vent about the surface level symptom. In my case, I'm feeling some frustration around finances and recognizing that some of it actually has to do with how I handle money and also recognizing certain patterns of behavior that have occurred across relationships, which indicates that at least part of the issue is me and my relationship with money. So I'm going to spend some more time with this feeling and really dig into it. I know in doing so, I'm doing the right thing, because I'm choosing to really get clear on what the problem is.

10-17-15 Today as I walked, I thought about how I'm responsible for the choices in my life. I can blame other people for choices I've made, but if I'm honest with myself, they aren't responsible...I am. I'm responsible because I chose to be in that relationship instead of making the choice to leave. Or I'm responsible for the lack of communication on my part. And I'm responsible for not making a choice because of whatever other circumstances are at work in my life that persuade me not to. Of course I'm also responsible for the good choices I've made, and I need to remember that just as much as taking responsibility for the mistakes.

I also thought about dying alone after reading an article on the Death of George Bell. It made me realize how important social connections are and why I'm glad I have people in my life and why I want to keep those people in my life.

10-20-15 Today is the last day I'm 38. I was thinking the other day that I'm reaching the point in my life where sometime in the next two decades I will hit my probable halfway mark of life. I won't know when it is, and yet it will come and after that I will have less time ahead of me. If that seems a bit morbid, it is, and yet at the same it is also freeing. This life will eventually end and I or something of me anyway will transition on to somewhere else.

I've recently started reading Quabalistic Concepts by William G. Gray. As I was reading it, a thought came to mind: The Infinity of Nothing Reveals the Possibility of Everything." It's really appropriate for me to be reading this book because Gray talks about becoming nothing, about stilling yourself and as a result really coming face to face with your inner identity. The state of nothing he discusses is similar to the state of stillness I experience in doing Zhine. There is a fundamental recognition that before you can do something, you need to go back to the beginning, become nothing in order to discover something.

10-21-15 I'm 39. My thirties have been tumultuous at times, but also more stable than other times of my life. I think this last year of being in my thirties will be a great one. I'm finally getting a handle on some issues I've worked with before. I see these cycles in my life where I work on them and get to a place and then pause and then continue and work further, each time making progress. I'm glad I'm sticking with stillness for another year. I feel that I'm just starting to get to a deeper place with it that warrants further in depth work. When you do this work...really do it, it will take you some deep places and you've got it the time it deserves, so you can learn and grow. Happy birthday to me!