"Go at your own pace"

When I hiked on Tuesday and later on Sunday, each time I hiked XAH was with me, loping alongside me. Everytime I felt the urge to speed up, he cautioned me, "Go at your own pace." I slowed down. I started to lope along at a pace that was easy on my body. The hike became much easier and I started to notice more details. Instead of trying to conquer the mountain, I was soaking in what was around me. I started to have a deeper appreciation for the way the light was filtered through the trees. The cold air kissed me as it never had before, and the Earth seemed to welcome as it's child. XAH grinned at me and said, "See, much easier. You're so busy trying to get somewhere you forget how to enjoy where you are." Relaxing into my own pace, I focused less on where I wanted to...I'm already where I need to be. When I think about that advice in my life, I appreciate anew something I've thought before: It will all be there tomorrow...Do what I can today, but relax and enjoy what I have as well. "Go at your own pace" means so much more than regulating my pace and in emptiness going at your own pace is what keeps you going on the road to everything and nothing

A sharp wrenching pain the feeling of claws scrabbling against my skin A muzzle coming forth from my chest blood dripping from the lolling tongue the golden eyes ablaze with life as the light from my own eyes begins to fade under a film of death.

He is reborn, he is reborn I am just the capsule for his expression Nine tails come out of the gap He's standing over my ruined body He grins down at my with gaping jaws, and then playfully seizes my face in his haws Delicately, delicately he could crush my face so easily, but he just swipes me with his tongue.

"Join me..." He swipes his tongue over my wounds the blood clots, the vessels repair, the skin closes. I stand up, with his help, my hand on his fur

"Destruction is birth Creativity is death Everything in nothing nothing becoming everything Join me"

We run, run, run into the void I am distant from everything and yet so close you could feel the fox-fire of my breath on your cheek if you knew how.

His eyes are infinity his breath is death I'm fading into him

So this is nothing I'm so empty I'm just a husk everything is gone and yet it's all so close.

"Join me..."

Randomness

The Power of being Open in Magic This is refined article of one of my previous posts, published on Right Where You are sitting Now. I expanded the concepts a bit further in it to explain how being open can actually limit the field of possibilities that are accessible.

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Who is speaking? Who is writing? Who is reading? I've been reading a book based on Gurdijeff's techniques around language and it seems he played quite a bit with concepts of self as they are expressed and perceived via language. The book is called The Magic Language of the Fourth Way by Pierre Bonnasse. I'm also reading the Apohenion by Peter Carroll, and Meta-Magick By Phil Farber, as well as Guerilla Marketing by Jay Conrad Levinson and The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene.

I find such a variety of reading to be very potent in how one considers his/her magical practice. We look at a variety disciplines to learn about the different perspectives for how reality manifests. We look at different magical traditions, but also other disciplines so we can understand how those disciplines inform how others consider the world. A Multi-disciplinarian approach ensures that we don't limit ourselves or get stuck in the past. It demands we look around and see what others are doing, so that we consider our practices in light of that.

When I started practicing magic at 16 (Do you know I've been practicing for half my lifetime now?) I wanted to learn everything I could about magic. Now at 32, I want to learn everything I can about everything. A generalist's approach. My friend Bill says that specialization is for insects...and I agree. Knowing a lot about one area of study can make you ill-informed and shallow about so much else. And whilst the same argument could be made that focusing on a generalist approach makes for a shallow understanding across a broad stretch of disciplines, I've found that as I learn about the different disciplines and ways of structuring life, there's a lot of cross over and connection. What's different is the discourse, the jargon, the language we use to communicate with each other.

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I'm now a teacher at the Growing Edge Institute, which is a sister site of Maybe Logic Academy. My first course will start on November 24th and it will be on Pop Culture Magic: an Exploration of 21st Century Mythology. The description for the class is below:

From the mid twentieth century to the present, pop culture has presented us a new mythology for our time and culture. While the beliefs and practices of older cultures are still viable, this class will show you how to integrate the mythology of pop culture into your occult practice. Lessons will include the following:

•    How to create a relationship with a pop culture or corporate entity and work with it for a variety of purposes, including letting it teach you a skill, navigate the dangers of the modern workplace, and modernize magical practices. •    How to incorporate pop culture into practical applications of magic, including how to use video games to do practical magic, how comicbook design can be used in magical practice, Pop Astral magic, etc. •    How pop culture is defined in pop culture magic, and how to create your own personal system of magic with pop culture. •    How to create effective collages for evoking people and situations into your life. •    How clothing, video games, and pop culture can be used to hone your invocation skills and change your identity

The ultimate goal of this course is to present you with a pop culture toolbox that you can use to integrate contemporary culture into your magical practices.

The dedication to the Element of Emptiness

On Saturday I finished my elemental love working and switched over to the element of emptiness. When Babalon took me and handed me off, she handed me to XAH, the fox lord. XAH is part of my personal mythology, the core of my being, a fox lord, and yet so much more as well...He is not a being I've ever written about before...I've kept him secret over the years. I suppose it's appropriate he comes out now when I'm doing this work at the very core of myself. As soon as I was handed to him, I felt him take me into the center of my being, into the emptiness, with lots of potential, but also an aching sense of nothing...this which has prompted so many of my choices. I painted the elemental symbol of emptiness on my chest and then I felt JAH possess my body. I hunched down on my four legs, one eye open, the other closed, my mouth a rictus snarl...I felt him speak:

"I am the emptiness you fear, the emptiness you seek.

I am the mote of light in the darkness that shows so bright and entices so much,

but leaves you always longing for more.

I am the fox-lord XAH, I am the core of your spirit...melded with you since you were seven...you are mine now...for this year we'll get to know each other well, and see if we can't find some peace with this emptiness.

We sat down and he took my hand and started painting, the painting to represent his face, to represent his presence:

Today, my birthday, I'd told Lupa that I'd be going on a solo hike. I normally spend my birthday with her, but since this the element of emptiness, I told her she was free to do as she pleased and she opted for getting together with a friend. As I saw her leave this morning, I felt a sensation of abandonment and XAH stirred and grinning told me, "Return to Source"

I headed out to the Multnomah Gorge, listening to Current 93 and as I sang along with the songs, I felt XAH stir again and the energy within me seemed to focus on feelings of abandonment, guilt etc...reminded me of something I was told on Sunday, to let go of the guilt others had put on me. The abandonment is a core emotion for me. My earliest memory was of being given away to my dad by my mom, sometime after they divorced, and the theme of abandonment has played out numerous other times in my life. Realizing how tied abandonment has been to my feeling of emptiness was enlightening for me...it's a gateway emotion, but also a distraction from the emptiness.

When I got to Multnomah falls, I got my gear and started to hike. I'd actually had someone recommend a place with caves for today, but I chose where a lot of people went, because many of my experiences with emptiness have happened around people, the feeling of not really belonging, of having no connection with those people...so it seemed appropiate that a contemplation of emptiness in my life start in a place with lots of people.

As I hiked, I felt empty, but also felt emotions come up. Emotions of abandonment, not fitting in, jealousy, guilt, anger, hunger...all the emotions that signal emptiness for me. And I acknowledged these emotions and let them fall away, because again they were distractions...something to acknowledge, but also something that sometimes only allowed me to experience a surface knowledge of emptiness. As I hiked further in and dealt with emotions that came up, I also felt more and more comfortable with the emptiness. I came to a point, where no one was hiking except for me and I was in a place I hadn't been and I felt a great sense of contentment sweep over me and I felt empty and it was good...it was a state of profound observation and awareness, with no mental chatter. I looked around at the way the light kissed the trees and the ground, the way the wetness permeated the air and I felt alive, at peace, empty and free. I realized emptiness itself has never been the issue...it's been the emotions leading to it, the focus on negative experiences and the association that arises as a result. I continued hiking. XAH would occasionally make himself known to me, offering bits of advice or suggestions about where I could go. The gentle humor he offered, as well as the integration of our respective energies was quite comforting. I came away with a greatly enhanced appreciation of what I was experiencing. The emptiness was a place where no thought needed to arise, no emotion needed to be felt. You just experienced. I don't think I've ever felt as close to nature as I did today. The place I was in had a twilight appearance.

I eventually turned around and came home, but I felt touched in a way that is so silent, so graceful, so different from so much of my life. I think I will learn a lot this year.

Elemental Love Work month 12

I wrote this poem on Thursday, in my live journal. I'm reposting it here, because it depicts part of the conclusion to the elemental Love work. The connection is what we want silver strands that glisten by the star light, whispering promises from the vibrations of the space/time wind The core opens to reveal the secret heart of the universe a path lit up by red lines of force the flames of the fox fire beckoning, and luring on those eager hunters of desire

Hourglass eyes witness the illusion of time, The spiderweb, wet with dew, promises a non linear story Truth, truth, truth...

Whirling fan over the light, a very tired person looks up spreads his arms, and journeys into the iridescent glow of promise. I see all possibilities in the quantum sea everything could, is, was, will do, but will any of it become?

I am also Empty...Reach in and pull the last out Everything is stripped away...she took me on she gave me surfeit her hand gentle on my cheek, while the other rips everything out.

Your illusions are gone, now what?

Now what indeed. It's month 12...The end of the year long elemental love work...The end of my working with Babalon, the sacred whore, the scarlet woman, she who takes on all, but demands the sacrifice of your illusions. Babalon has thoroughly fucked me this last year. At times she had been a gentle lover, at other times a demanding bitch. One hand has caressed me as a lover, while the other has ripped my heart out. And through it all, her scarlet eyes have looked into mine, holding me steady, urging me on, demanding the best from me.

I wouldn't recommend the element of love to just anyone. I think this year's work has been by far the most intense and demanding of all my magical workings. You have to be ready to sacrifice it all on the altar of love to experience the truths you will inevitably find about yourself, and if you get anything back, count yourself blessed, and recognize you also earned it.

This last month has been one of nostalgia, regret, and healing. I remember a year ago, I remember how desperate I was, how much I knew I needed to change, my patterns of love had grown very toxic indeed. I was a toxic bloom, everything on the surface, ready to be popped. I remember meeting a priestess of Babalon, and a relationship that didn't work out and being told, "This elemental love work has left bruises on my heart, your wife's heart, and your heart. Will it be worth it?" I remember bad communication on my part, an unwillingness to really be open or intimate and my journey throughout this year to learn how to do that, how to really open up, how to be vulnerable, how to be honest despite the fear. Honesty with others, but most importantly honesty with myself about my desires, my fears, and what has motivated so many of  my choices.

I remember other situations, other people, all the lies I told to myself, ripped away. And I remember a couple nights with Lupa, where I really opened up, where I told her things I had not told her or anyone else. I remember being honest with her in a way I have never been with anyone, and despite my fears, despite the ingrained responses and reactions that said to just hold it all in, to protect myself by never saying a thing...I spoke...I told her, I laid myself out and let her see the real me. And she accepted me...she showed me LOVE, even as Babalon has Shown me LOVE.

A couple weeks ago, I felt the weight of these regrets...My mind wandered through the past year, through the lessons earned, the people touched, the bruises left, especially the bruise in myself. And I felt Babalon stir beside me. She gave me a gentle look and parted the folds of my flesh, to the heart underneath, and instead of seizing it in her hand as she often has, she gently touched it, touched the bruise of my regrets, and she said,

"It's time to let this go. You've learned what you needed to from this. Let it go, so you can move on and let other people into your life and into your love when you're ready. You've learned the lessons I needed to teach you and I will always be here to remind you of them, and also support you as you continue your journey."

And she took those regrets away...the physical pain I felt in the hollow of my chest left me.

This last Monday, I was talking with Wes Unruh about language, magic, semiotics, and we got around to talking about Babalon and male magicians. He said that he didn't think a male magician came into his full power until he'd had an encounter with Babalon. He told me of his own experiences and mentioned that for about a year after his working with Babalon ended he had focused on the element of emptiness and on rebuilding himself...and I found great comfort in this, because it's another confirmation I made the right choices, and I'm on the right path.

I was asked earlier this year, if this elemental love work would be worth the bruises, and the pain. And my answer is yes. It is worth all the pain caused, all the pain felt. It is worth the pain I caused as well as the pain I felt. It's not that I wanted to cause that pain. It's not that I felt a secret delight. No...That pain is part of the process of life, of how you learn. I made mistakes, I came face to face with the reality of the effects of those mistakes. The regret I felt for the pain I caused was something that's haunted me for this last half year. And yet, that pain, for me, for them has the potential for growth. It's what we choose to make it...and so Babalon showed me I could let go, move on, heal...

Last year, I said to Lupa, I said to others, "All of the relationships I'm in now will be changed if I do this working." And everything changed for those relationships. Every single relationship I was involved in on a romantic level is now gone, accept the relationship with my wife, which has ended up stronger than ever before because we worked through our problems with each other and came to a deeper, more intimate relationship than any I've ever had, except for one. It's taken a lot of work and honesty on our parts, but here we stand together, stronger than ever...

And that one relationship which is deeper and more intimate...that's the relationship I have with myself. This year has forced me to know myself as I never did before, and this next year will take me even further, but I'm ready for that plunge. Babalon has shown me not just the truth of LOVE, but also that of Strength. The strength to forgive, the strength to let go, the strength to love, and the strength to learn. She showed me my strength, even as she took away all the delusions I'd told myself.

Babalon told me it would get harder before it got easier, and she was right. It got really hard somedays to wake up and face the reality of my motivations, my desires, my love or lack thereof. In April, when I walked around, desperately unhappy, desperate to fill something in me and instead walked home and told Lupa about my emptiness, about how empty I sometimes feel, that's when I started to really learn from this year's elemental working...that's when I came face to face with the underlying motivation for so much of my unhealthy behaviors. That's when I realized just how much my feeling of emptiness had so often motivated my choices to try and find something to fill it, instead of choosing to feel it. And now that I know that feeling...now I'm ready to accept it, to move into it and everything it has to teach me.

On Friday, I had some of my hair cut. Babalon spoke to me in a moment of shared love and lust, in a moment of ritual, a finishing touch. That night, Lupa massaged me, talked with me, reconnected with me about our love, about what we find so important and she cut my hair, part of my payment to Babalon. Below is a poem I wrote about Friday:

"You've still got to pay up the last bit for this year of companionship I gave you" She told me.

Her long black hair framed her face, cascading down her frame, hiding her body, leaving only the oval of her face her red eyes staring into mine a doorway into the abyss an invitation into Emptiness

As we fucked with wild abandon her hands touched my long hair and she said,

"Perhaps some of this... Cut some of it for me and also for the next element Cut it as an offering when you pass through the gateway within me and within you The gateway to the heart of the universe"

As we came to crescendo, She and I, My goddess of desire, her beast to ride, I felt myself swallowed into her. She whispered,

"Conjunctio, The joining of forces Your principle joined to mine, In combination we create the alchemical wedding Your sacrifice opens the gate that your seed might be consumed and you reborn in my dark womb of Emptiness Your potential realized in the joining of everything and nothing."

Later my body massaged with hands of gentle love and care, my hair brushed out, the scissors snap some is taken away "Taking a little, so a lot can grow back, so you can realize your potential" Caressed, loved, forgiven, your hands know my body I fall into the light of the quantum sea out of reality, into everything

Everything I am falling back to potential, In her hands I lay, in her womb I will be sacrificed The gateway is open, Conjunctio achieved Emptiness beckons It's a promise of potential I'll take.

"Your last price is paid, Your coin is accepted the gate is open, fly free my love fly free

When you come back reborn anew, you will really know me and my name.

And I whisper,

"Babalon, Great goddess, Sacred whore, scarlet woman, take me, take me, take my sacrifice and show me the door to conjunctio, show me the door to emptiness zero and one, everything and none, where potential awaits to sculpt, to show, to provide the pathway to the heart of the universe to the silver webs of time, and the purple halls of space"

And she rips away from me the last shred of illusion Her hand caresses my cheek one last time, her tears touch my face, She kisses my lips one last time, to steal my last breath Great Babalon has destroyed me.

And now... I'm free to arise. Elemental Emptiness show me the way, through the door

I am here, I am there I am everywhere, everywhen, all things and none, a whisper on the wind, the caress of a hand on your chin all realities within my eyes, I am reborn into emptiness... I am reborn to realize my potential.

Today, Saturday, I finished the Love working. I went upstairs, with the painting of the seal of Babalon, The beast dagger, the candle with her visage gracing it. I lit the sacred candle in my temple. I dedicated two posters of the mythos of Babalon as told by Oryelle Defenestate-Bascule to Her. I burned a bit of my cut off hair in the flame of the candle. I cut her seal into my flesh, her name into my skin with the tip of the dagger, tracing so delicately upon my skin the imprint of this goddess...

I sang her praise, I thanked her for her gifts, and then I asked her to take me through the portal to emptiness. I fucked her one last time, giving her my seed and then I was taken in hand by the entity who represents emptiness...But that story will not be told until Tuesday, when the dedication ritual is finished.

Farewell Babalon, sacred Goddess and sacred whore, my lover and destroyer.

The lyric below is from the song Here's to You by Lisbeth Scott. I removed a couple words, that aren't relevant to me, to this year's working...but the lyrics of this song, the song itself is a fitting end to the love working and the beginning of the work on the element of Emptiness:

Here's to you... Rest forever and ever... The last and final moment is yours. Agony's your triumph.

Here's to you, Rest forever here in our hearts. The last and final moment is yours. Agony's your triumph.

Radio Show update

I just had a fascinating radio interview with Laura Sherman, the Chess Coach for the Imagine your Reality radio show. It's the first interview I did, but Laura and I had great rapport and I definitely plan on having her back on the show. She offered some really good insights about Chess and how it can be applied to your life. To listen to the show, please go here. I really enjoyed this show, particularly focusing on a topic such as chess and how it applies to manifesting your imagination into reality. Among other things we discussed how chess can improve your reading ability, how it can help you strategize your life, and how it can even be applied to your understanding of space and time. If any of you find the radio show interesting, I have two other episodes I recorded: How to turn Imagination into Reality and how to turn re-action into action. I'll be doing another episode on the connection between Language and Reality on Tuesday September 23rd at 9 Pm Pacific Standard Time. Listeners can call into the show if they want and I would definitely welcome listener input and questions.

Here's a summary of the upcoming show: In this show, we'll be exploring the connection between language and reality. We'll be focusing on how writing can be used to create reality, the value of affirmations, and how pre-writing exercises can help you not only write a good paper, but also plan how you'll take your imagination and turn it into reality.

Some readers of this blog might be puzzled by this kind of interview and it's applicability to magical practice, but listen, and I think you'll find some interesting perspectives on visualization and space and time, as well as how a game as chess can hone your skills. I might add, that part of experimentation is entertaining perspectives that seemingly have little in common with the usual perspective for how things are done...but how we learn is influenced by the willingness we have to do something different from everyone else.

Bonding with the Land Part Two

The latest Radio show Next week's show will feature Laura Sherman the Chess Coach. We'll be focusing on what Chess coaching is, how it's used to imagine reality and the discipline it brings people. Not exactly an occult topic per se, but I think it will be illuminating. Plus I like to find spirituality in unusual places.

Bonding with the Land Part 2

Yesterday I got the Blue Dragon tattoo touched up and finalized. It was a two hour session.

As you can see the face has more detail and the tattoo is even bluer than it was before.

And here is the otherside.

Yesterday, getting tattooed was just as interesting as the first experience. I felt the spirit of the dragon come awake as the tattooing began. As I was inked I felt the dragon imbue more energy into the process, even as it drew on the pain I felt to connect it to me. I also used the same mental technique I used last time to not so much block the pain as not make it prevalent. For lack of better word, I felt the pain, but I also distanced myself from it. As the inking occurred I once again felt connection to the land, but this time it felt more like a sense of closure occurring. When the inking finished I felt the dragon slip back into the ink itself and I felt it settle very frmly into place...I also felt the connection to the land fit into me in a way that it hadn't quite before. It was a final fitting as it were. Afterwards, I felt uncharacteristically tired and a bit out of it for most of that day. I felt drained really...It wasn't the same as the first experience...it was the finalizing of that experience and that bit of waiting had I supposed built up and then was finally released.

On the value of Inner Alchemy

I'm copy editing a book for Immanion Press called Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot: A Troubleshooter's Guide to Magic by A'Miketh, and I'm really impressed by what I'm reading, because this guy has managed to explain some complex concepts in fairly approachable language, and more importantly he's cleared stated the value and need for doing external work before getting into all of the flashy external magical work. And I have a lot of respect for that. I was chatting with Bill Whitcomb earlier tonight about how change occurs in society, and we both agreed that change takes a long time to occur when it's done right, because the best way that change occurs is through changing the internal reality of yourself and modeling that change to others. It's not nearly as dramatic or active as trying to protest political rallies or trying to throw a revolution because you dislike what other people are doing. It's a much slower form or change...it takes time and some effort to create change in yourself that brings you to healthier patterns of behavior and communication.

But I would take that kind of change over the change of a revolution, because a revolution inevitably only replaces the previous oppressors with the people revolting against them. That is to say in a revolution the only thing that changes are the people in charge. What doesn't change is how those people treat other people, because for a revolution to usually be successful, it is violent...and that same violence twists the people who beget it, so that they become what they hate, because having overthrown a previous government, they quickly begin to fear that the same will happen to them. The French revolution and the Bolshevik revolution and revolutions in China (both in the early and mid twentieth century), and to a lesser extent the American revolution are good examples of this process, where change is promised and a government is overthrown and ultimately what replaces it is more of the oppression that the revolutionaries claimed they fought against. This incidentally is one of the reasons I'm skeptical about the so-called good intentions of the activists...I see them as just another form of political extremism and should that extremism replace what we currently have, I don't believe it will be any better than what it replaces.

I favor instead a revolution that comes from within a person...a fervent desire to change the self, to recognize that to change the world around us, we must first be willing to take responsibility for our own actions and thoughts. Instead of blaming others for the woes of the worlds, we should take responsibility for ourselves and what we can change...our attitudes about others, our actions toward the environment we live in and do it in a manner where we model how we want the world to change, but without trying to force that change down everyone's throat. I imagine that may sound idealistic, but in copy-editing this book and reading this person's thoughts on how to create a system of mindful awareness and internal change mechanisms in western practices of occultism, I see more than idealism...I see a methodology and practice that can make it happen, but ultimately requires a voluntary to make it occur. I turned to Taoist and Buddhist breathing and meditation techniques to develop a system for internal work that was also mixed with Western techniques for pathworking, but in reading some of Dunlap's ideas, I also see some hope for Western occultism developing some of those same internal practices without having to borrow as much from Eastern practices.

It seems to me that when a culture or society doesn't have a system of some sorts for developing reflective and consciousness awareness of emotions and reactions and triggers, it is very hard for that society to change. And really, for this kind of internal work to really bear results, you need everyone in society doing the work...not just some monks in a mountain hideaway. This is why I hope such practices will continue to become more prevalent in this culture...so that people can really be aware of what sets them off and work on deprogramming the bad triggers, while also figuring out who they really want to be and how they want to manifest that to each other and the world at large. I think if such practices were more prevalent there would be much less violence, much more cooperation, and also much more of a sense of connection to and with each other as well as an awareness of the responsibility we have to each other, to ourselves and to the environment we live in, aka, to the entirety of this Earth and universe.

The process of internal work

I think the hardest aspect of internal work is when you face the root of the issue that you're working on.. On one hand, you now know what you're really dealing with. On the other hand, you're also faced with the question of, "Now what?" I was thinking of that today as I walked around the local park, working through an issue that I've been struggling with the last couple of weeks. I generally find in doing internal work that there are four stages that occur. The first stage is a sudden realization that something is bothering you. You can't quite pinpoint what it is that's bothering you beyond dealing with the immediate experience that you're involved in. That immediate situation is really just a symptom of the actual problem. It definitely needs to be addressed, but chances are it's based on a behavior pattern that can really deep into the past. It's a reaction to the original core issue...but you don't know what that issue is yet...you can identify characteristics...I feel jealous about X or this made me angry, which comes in handy later on, but the symptom is just that...it's a symptom...it's pain's it's something sending a message that something is wrong. Once you've dealt with the symptom, you still have a ways to go.

Stage 2 is digging. You start comparing the characteristics of the latest situation with the characteristics of previous situations where you suspected you acted in a similar manner. For instance, if you found yourself competing with someone because you felt jealous, you would look in your past for related incidents with other people. By finding a relationship, you could then begin to trace the issue back to the root cause of it.

Stage 3 is discovery of the root cause, or if you will the root emotion. For instance, just because you feel jealousy in incidents where you compete with someone, you shouldn't assume that jealousy is the motivating emotion. Remember, it's a symptom, so while jealousy is an emotion in its own right, it may just be a symptom of what you're feeling at your core. Perhaps, for instance, you are competing and feeling jealous because you really want to feel acceptance from other people. Acceptance is definitely not the same emotion as jealousy, but it can inspire jealousy depending on how acceptance is obtained. Once you know what the root cause is, you're at the now what stage. You've identified the root problem, and you're consciously aware of it. Congratulations! But now you have to figure out what you will do with what you've discovered. This can be hard to figure out, because you're also facing what really motivates the behavior you want to change and facing that root cause can be a bit of a doozy.

Stage four is figuring out what you'll do now that you know what's motivating your behavior. You've got a few options:

A. Do nothing. This might seem like the easiest, but unless you are completely comfortable with the behavior and the consequences that result from it, this will come back and bite you in the ass until you decide to really make a change.

B. See a therapist. Working with a therapist can help you explore these issues safely with another person present. Also the therapist will to some degree hold you accountable to make a change. This option can be combined with option C

C. Utilize a form of mindful awareness to consciously monitor yourself. This is greatly enhanced by pathworking, meditation, energy work, or some other form of internal work. This can be done without option B, though I'll note this can be tough work and will challenge you because as you dissolve the issues, you also leave room for more subtle issues to rear their head. I recommend that if you choose to do only this option that you also make sure that you know you can stop and see a therapist at any time. Don't go deeper than you are comfortable with. I will note that using meditation and mindful awareness for the last three and a half years has definitely helped me dissolve a lot of unhealthy behaviors, but it's been intense work and sometimes fairly wearing. I know what keeps me focused on doing it is the awareness that as I continue to do this work, I am getting healthier and happier and I consciously know what informs my choices.

I am still doing a lot of internal work. The stages I described here, are pretty accurate to the kind of work I've been doing. Internal work isn't necessarily glamorous or something very overt. It doesn't require much in the way of magical tools, or sigils, but the payoff I think is that you are more conscious of your choices and can control yourself more readily...and the need to do magic to solve problems actually goes down because you're no longer acting out your unhealthy behaviors.

Upcoming Radio Interview with Al Anderson, a Book Review, and my own radio show

I'll be being interviewed on Thursday on the Ascending Way show via blogtalkradio. Details below Ridgewood, N.Y. -- September 1, 2008 -- Nationally renown and respected Author, Visual Artist, Magician, and Life Coach Taylor Ellwood, will appear on BlogTalkRadio's show ´Ascending Way http://blogtalkradio.com/Ascending-Way with host Al Anderson on Thursday September 4, 2008, at 2:00pm Eastern.  The Exclusive Interview will examine Taylor's outstanding contribution to the Metaphysical/Occult community and the world-wide pursuit of Ascension.   The live, Internet talk-radio show will stream from the Ascending Way program's host page: http://blogtalkradio.com/Ascending-Way .

Taylor Ellwood, describes himself as a writer, painter, collage artist, and magician. Most people who interact with him describe him as prolific, insightful, wise, generous, and powerful.  He and his wife Lupa, are an integral part of the Portland Spiritual & Magickal community.

As an author he has written the following books; ´Pop Culture Magick, ´Space/Time Magic, ´Inner Alchemy, and ´Multi-Media Magic.  He has also co-written; ´Creating Magical Entities (with David Michael Cunningham and Amanda Wagener) and ´Kink Magic (with Lupa). He has served as Editor of; ´Magick on the Edge: An Anthology of Experimental Magic, ´Manifesting Prosperity: A Wealth Magic Anthology, and various other books by solo authors.

Taylor has written numerous articles for magazines, websites, blogs and ezines, which have appeared in, Rending The Veil, Witchvox, Key 23, Key 64, Disinfo, Spiral Nature, newWitch, Konton Magazine, If...Journal, and many others.

As prolific as Taylor is, he still finds time to pursue the vocation of Counselor and Life Coach; certified in Whole Person Design Life Coaching. He provides services as a creativity and marketing coach, accessible through his website: http://www.imagineyourreality.com<

An archive will be available at the same link immediately following the show or listeners can subscribe to the archives via the RSS feed located on the host page.  Read more about the host on the Wizard Phaeron tab at http:AscensionHouse.org.

About Ascending Way

Ascending Way is an interactive, live Internet talk-radio show which focuses on Practitioners and Organizations of all descriptions who are committed to the Healing of the World and Humanity's Great Adventure of Ascension.  Host Al Anderson explores the Mission, Vision, History, Vocation, and future Plans of each guest and/or the organization which they represent. The Stream and Archives are available at http://blogtalkradio.com/Ascending-Way.

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Book Review: Nature and the Human Soul by Bill Plotkins

My wife Lupa really liked this book and I was curious myself to see what it was about. Nature and the Human soul examines nature and how it informs and otherwise nourishes the human soul. The author breaks up the human life into eight stages and relates a concept of nature to each stage of human development. The author's argument is that we need to cultivate an ecocentric relationship with nature and each other as opposed to a selfish egocentric relationship.

After reading this book, I will say that I have a renewed appreciation of nature and why it's important to have activities in one's life that involves doing something to foster a relationship with nature. I'm not talking about a walk in the park or even a hike in a forest either...I'm talking more along the lines of actively being a steward of nature. In this book, the author argues that we need to bring nature back into our cultural practices so that we can build spiritual and community practices that focus on the well-being of all, as opposed to the material well-being of humans. The author uses different stages of human development to show what can be done during each stage of development to build such practices.

One thing which works against the efficacy of this book is the lack of exercises. While the author makes an excellent argument for integrating into a person's spiritual and community practices, he doesn't offer much in the way of practical exercises to show how this can be done. The theory is in place, but the practice also needs to be instituted to really make the concepts in this book workable.

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I recently decided to start up my own radio show, through the medium of Blogtalk Radio and it's Called Imagine Your Reality radio (after my life coaching business). Below are details for the show

Imagine Your Reality Radio Show

When: Wednesday September 3, 2008 at 3pm-4pm Pacific Time

Topic: What is the connection between Imagination and Reality?

Summary: In this show we’ll explore the connection between imagination and reality as well as show you how consciousness awareness and intention can be used to direct your imagination and shape it into reality. The focus of this first show and subsequent shows will show how you can apply spiritual and psychological techniques to improve your life and business. Listeners are encouraged to call in to the show. It will be broadcasting on blogtalkradio which can be found at http://www.blogtalkradio.com. Here is my blogtalk radio profile page

Call in Number (646) 652-2830

Right Where You are Sitting Now podcast interview with me

On Saturday I got interviewed by Ken and Paul of the Right Where you are Sitting Now podcast. We talked about definitions of magic, my books, and some social cultural aspects of the occult culture. Go here to listen to the show.

Elemental Love Work Month Ten

I have two more months left to the elemental love working. It kind of amazes me that in such a short, but also long time, my yearlong working with babalon and the element of love will be receding into the background to make way for the next element to be worked with. This month has been interesting in Three different ways.

1. I recently had an opportunity to choose to be honest about a situation...and I chose honesty. I have to admit, making that choice is when it comes to personal matters is not very easy for me. I've sometimes lied or concealed things to my later detriment, because there's that distinct voice within which says, better to keep this from someone then let them find out and see the real you. The real detriment of lying isn't even the broken trust of the other person, though that is definitely detrimental. It is the punishment one puts him/herself under every time the truth could come up...because make no mistake a liar does punish him/herself because no matter how well hidden a truth one person always knows it and that's the liar.

For me, honesty in love has been one of the hardest lessons to learn. I can easily point to my past and say that it was because of my past, what I learned early on, which was that lying sometimes ensured I didn't get caught, didn't get grounded, didn't get told I was a disappointment, and most importantly I didn't get hurt if I lied good enough. If I lied and no one else knew, they might even accept me...no it's not rational, and it may not make much sense, but it is a reaction that is writ deep within me, and so naturally is something that has come up time and again throughout these ten months, in various different forms and flavors. Coming to grips with the lie of lying, and really seeing how much the truth can set a person free is in someways the central theme of this year's lesson for me. And of course Babalon has been very insistent I learn this lesson, which completely makes sense, because she is a goddess of desire, and desire is only truely known when you can be true with yourself and others.

So earlier this month, an opportunity came up to be honest about some things and I decided to take it. It wasn't easy. There were a couple moments where I felt like it took everything I had to say a simple sentence. Yet the feeling afterwards, of relief, of release, of no longer keeping something in secret, of being able to really open was so empowering, so strong, so different from keeping something to myself. I felt liberated...and in one respect I felt as well that my word as a magician was strengthened. I believe both William G. Gray and Franz Bardon wrote something to the effect that the magician's power is only as strong as his word. The truth does set you free, from your fear, from your worry...but it takes a lot of work. I wish I could say that being honest is an easy thing for me...in most areas of my life it is...but love is deep...there's deep wounds and letting them heal takes work, takes trust...I'm learning that trust, learning how to trust myself so I can trust others. Trust and love start from within. Before you can have trust or love with someone else you really have to trust yourself and love yourself. For me, the sign that I'm changing is that while I still struggle with myself sometimes to tell someone else how I feel or about something I did that I know wasn't good to do, 9 out 10 times I succeed in telling that someone...and that one time it doesn't occur right away, it does happen, if a bit later down the line. It's an accomplishment for me to be at this point of honesty with myself. And yes sometimes I still lie...but it's less and less.

2. In a conversation with a friend I was told I'm trying too hard...specially trying too hard to be his friend, which accounted for his tenseness around me. I really appreciated his honesty with me and ended up agreeing that was the case, so I relaxed and that friendship is getting better. But in thinking about his comment, I can say it's been true in other situations as well. I've caught myself a few times this month trying too hard when it came to other matters. So I'm learning to relax more...try less, do easy...it's interesting and it's given me a better look at some of the ol' thought stream in my head, and what it is I tell myself sometimes. Not sure where this will go beyond just trying less, and relaxing more in my relationships with others and myself.

3. finally read this in a book. Sex and love are two different needs. You might think this would be obvious, but I don't know...so much focus in this culture on true love and what constitutes true love, including all the sex that is supposed to happen all the time. I'm not saying sex can't be something important to a relationship you have with someone, but sex and love aren't the same need. Sex can be an expression of love, but it can also be an expression of hate or lust, even sorrow (in one case I heard of). And sex is its own need, something which we need, but love is also its own need and again something we need. It's funny, but as I've done this love working and really faced what love seems to be for me, I've seen the difference in these needs more clearly. Yes I like both love and sex and want both in my life, but they are different. Sex doesn't always bring love with it and yes I've known this for a while, but reading that sex and love are different needs...it kinda hit me with a clue by four that helped me get this understanding in a different way that all my prior experiences never really showed me.

I won't say love is more valuable than sex or vise versa, but feeling that need for love is a different than needing sex and in retrospect sex definitely fills or hits a different area of the psyche than love...love is much more subtle, less obvious...it does something, but it also takes a lot more work than sex might.

So that's month ten for me...each month is really amazing...I've learned so much in each month, in each moment of vulnerability that working with this element has provided.

Follow-up to my post about my disillusionment with the Occult Scene

I've been watching with some interest just how much traffic my post about my disillusionment with the occult scene has generated. It even got linked by Chas Clifton, a pagan blogger and academic. He summarized that post as, " Aleister Crowley's legacy still poses problems for occultists -- especially when they take Internet "life" as equivalent to a "scene." Unfortunately that summary misses the point of that post entirely. I can understand, however, why he might think this was an issue with Crowley's legacy (such as it is) given my previous posts about Crowley on this blog. However Crowley is just a symptom of the problem, albeit to my mind, one of the originating symptoms. My original issue with Crowley essentially boils down to this: If after seventy years since his death, Crowley still represents the pinnacle of occultism, then occultism as a discipline hasn't advanced at all, which then brings up the question as to why any of us even bother practicing magic at all, if all we're trying to do is emulate him. Mind you, I don't believe all of us are trying to emulate him, but my original issue with Crowley was spurred on by seeing this person talked about so much, with so very little attention seemingly given to other occult authors or other original perspectives that weren't necessarily overtly influenced by him, to the point that some of these occult authors are only, in recent times, being rediscovered (Franz Bardon particularly comes to mind, though I can think of a number of others).

But after re-reading some of Crowley's work, I came to realize that my issue with Crowley was just a symptom of a deeper problem. I could see that Crowley had some valid points to make, even if the end I felt that while what he wrote could be insightful, I still don't believe its as influential as some people would argue. Before I get into any arguments with people who disagree, I'll just accept that yes he obviously has a lot of influence on you and your practice of magic. However, in re-reading his work I still don't find it very illuminating or graceful or any of the other things you think about it (so let's agree to disagree about that).

But this brings me to the problem I now see Crowley as a symptom of. Crowley's image, his notoriety is to me symbolic of the problem I perceive with the occult scene. I honestly wonder if people would find his work as influential if he didn't also have that bad boy image that he has. In other words, I think that the image has overtaken the content. And given that there are no other occult authors that really have that kind of notoriety, a further question I find myself asking is, "If another occult author had that kind of notoriety, would people read his works in the same way...would the image influence how the content was perceived?" Now someone might say, "Hey it's not fair that you assume that Crowley's image influences my reading of his content." Yes it may not be fair, but it is a valid consideration to bear in mind. Does Crowley's image overtake, overshadow, and consequently influence how his work is read and/or practiced? Is Crowley the best role model of a magician that we have? Should he be a role model for us? But it doesn't end with Crowley. The problem here is how much is the occult scene invested in image opposed to content (and who decides what is image and what is content?)?

When I talk about the occult scene, I'm not just talking about Crowley and I'm certainly not just talking about the internet occult scene. The Zee list was an excellent example of what I considered to be part of this image problem I've talked about, because on the zee list what you really had occurring was a lot of chest beating and posturing over who was the uber occultist of them all. What didn't occur was a lot of sharing of ideas or experiments. Some of that occurred, but most of the time you had flame wars erupting...and to a lesser degree this also occurred on other e-lists. I can't say if it's occurred in recent times, because I'm not on any of the e-lists I used to be on. I stayed off them when I realized that any experiments or work I was going to do would probably be best shared with only a select group of people.

So dear reader, at this point, you might ask, "So why are you feeling disillusioned?" And my response: "Is occultism as a culture about image or content or is there a good balance for both?" I think of Generation Hex, the anthology edited by Jason Louv as an example of what I'm asking about. Because on one hand it represents a snapshot in the lives of certain people and their pursuit and practice of magic, and on the other hand it also represents a method for marketing the practice of magic as something cool people can do. It's a cultural text that offers us insight into why people decided magic was relevant to them as a practice and as way of connecting with other people, etc, but it's a statement of how magic could (should?) be perceived.

And then too my disillusionment about occultism comes down to: "What does doing all of this stuff really do for me? How is this really changing my life?" I have no doubt magic has changed my life and changed it for the better, but in considering questions such as those, I also consider the role of occultism as a culture and as a practice in my life. Is the practice of magic just a practice that allows people to connect socially or culturally? Is the practice of magic an elaborate social schema for interaction with certain types of people? Or is there more? I can point to my own experiments and say yes there has been more than just a connection on social or cultural level. But when I look at occultism as a whole, as a culture, I'm asking, what are we practicing magic for? What is the purpose for practicing magic? How does this practice benefit us as individuals, as a cultural group, or humanity, or the Earth, or the universe? What is the significance, if anything...or is it just image in the end?

And to be clear I'm not commenting on the practices of others or your choice to be influenced by Crowley or whatever else as a way of dismissing it. To quote a tried and true maxim of chaos magic, "Whatever works for you" I'm really commenting on all of this for myself, as a way of looking at how I situate my practice of magic into my life, and into my interactions with the occult community and culture. I'm seeking answers to my questions, because those answers will really shape the direction my spiritual path goes into, as well as how and if I continue to take part in the occult community. Posting it here is the opportunity to articulate my feelings and concerns, to get some distance from them, to come back with a different perspective down the line. What answers I get, which could come from commentary that others offer, still are answers I have to find on my own. I suppose you could my disillusionment my spiritual mid life crisis. It's not necessarily a dark night of the soul, but it certainly is something to me...and that's just fine, because it means something is happening.

That identity thing again: Being a report on my latest projects

I've been saying for a while now that a lot of my work in magic focuses on identity. I haven't gone into a lot of detail, but that's because the pieces are getting sorted out and catalogued in my mind and this takes a while. But I recently started reading Nature and the Human Soul by Bill Plotkin and he strikes on some stuff that I've hit on before in Multi-Media Magic about identity. In MMM, I defined as the agreement between the person and the universe as to the person's place in the universe. Plotkins takes it further when he says that a thing's ultimate place is defined by the relationship the thing has with everything else. And I find myself agreeing with that...not just relationships with other people or even other animals, but the relationship a person has to the sense of self in those relationships, as well as to the place where s/he lives, to nature, to the plants, the air, the elements, etc. When I think about the elemental work of the last few years, the effect it's had on me, the effect it continues to have, I am struck by the realization that it and really all of my magical work has been a way of changing my identity, renegotiating the terms of the agreement with the universe so that my place is somewhere different from where it was, which is basically what I wrote about in this article. Reading Plotkin is a further confirmation that I'm on the right path with identity and it's role in metaphysics. Of course I've gotten other confrimations in the books on psychology and neuroscience I've been reading, but I like it when I get confirmation from a different perspective and in fact reading Plotkin's book is looking into a different perspective.

I'm also pleased because I'm nearly finished with the research of my identity project. I've been spending the last year reading and exploring this concept. I have a lot I'll need to put together and I do need to go back and reread a few books I haven't touched in a couple of years such as Wilson's Prometheus Rising, but it is coming together. What will be particualrly fascinating is explaining the different between the concept of consciousness and identity, because there is a definite difference...as well as explaining how all of this relates to concepts of space/time magic and inner alchemy.

You know the love work has been an exploration and renegotiation of identity for me. It started out with the relevation that there was some definite problems in my understanding of love and how it manifested itself in my life, as well as how to express my desires...and it's changed so much since then...and it is so fascinating to see this change in effect...not a change to get a material result or call up a demon/deity, but instead a very focused internal change that nonetheless shapes and changes how a person relates to everything he has connection to more profoundly than any sigilized result could...

Oh and I have several ideas of what my next elemental working will be...but I can't share yet, cause I need a bit of time to see if that's what I really need to work on, or if it's just fanciful thinking.

Different perspectives on Deity

While I've written extensively about my relationship with deity and the concept of service from a Buddhist perspective on this blog, it's not the only perspective I have about deity or how deities interact in our lives. Over the last sixteen years I've come up with a variety of different perspectives all of which are equally valid and true for my approach to deity. Perspective 1: The Buddhist/Taylor perspective - Gods are powerful, but also slaves to their power. They may have people who worship them, but ultimately the lessons the provide those people are focused on getting those people to grow past needing gods, so that the gods can stop being diety and ascend to Nirvana. As long as one person worships the gods, the gods are still enslaved to their power because that power is derived from the belief of that person. To westerners, this is a fairly blasphemous approach. It argues that any god, no matter how powerful, is ultimately a servant to the human's journey to reach nirvana. I personally find it appealing because it is such a different approach to the evangelical fundamentalist orthodoxy found in extreme versions of Christianity, and to a degree even in some pagan beliefs. I also think it's a useful exercise to implement this perspective sometimes in terms of viewing the gods in a way that is decidely foreign from how many of us in the West may be encultured to perceive them. Instead of viewing a deity as an omnipotent being who we have to obey or else suffer hideous consequences (whether it's hell for the Christian version, or some kind of curse according to different pagan versions), it can be useful to consider that a deity is actually there to teach us by the example it provides of being a slave to its own power, and to the attachment that the power can represent.

Perspective Two: Chaos Magic/Taylor Perspective - Deities, spirits, demons, etc., are psychological archetypes and imprints. They symbolically represent deep structures within us. We use the symbols to access those deep structures. I tend to favor this perspective the least. I find it useful in terms of reaching some of those deep concepts as well for entity creations, but I also think it's a perspective which all too easily leads to a solipsistic perspective of the universe.

Perspective Three: Derived from Fantasy books by Feist and Eddings/Taylor Perspective: Gods, demons, etc are beings we have relationships with. As we evolve and grow in those relationships, so too do the gods, spirits, etc grow. We are interconnected and need each other to help each other evolve. I've seen this perspective argued in fantasy books more so than anywhere else, but I actually tend to think there's some truth to the arguments. The gods fulfill certain roles, but also grow as times change, and humans grow by having a relationship with deities, where the deities challenge the humans. Both humans deities give something to each other by the relationship that is had.

Those are the three main perspectives I have when it comes to deities...one and three are more prevalent than two...I don't really see a need to pick one perspective, because I think all three can be relevent at a given moment.

My disillusionment with the occult scene

My disillusionment with the occult scene started eight years ago. I remember the incident vividly. I was telling my mentor, a magician who was a member of TOPY about some ideas I had about pop culture and magic, when he stuffily told me that my ideas weren't real magic. I was pretty shocked to be honest. I'd never had anyone just up and tell me that (of course until I lived in State college, PA I hadn't really encountered too many occultists or pagans). I'd had a belief that occultists were open-minded people, always experimenting, always trying new ideas out. It was a fairly naive belief, in retrospect. In later years, on the zee list and other e-lists, I saw a lot of squabbling and flamewars occur. I saw people discourage other people's creativity and experiments. I took a year and a half off from the online occult scene for that reason, deciding to just do my own thing. Eventually when I did rejoin it, I'd founded my own e-lists for my own purposes and made sure I picked people who I could work with. I remember with some fondness my timemachines e-list which I ran for several years. The focus on space/time magic was exhilarating because people were focused on learning and experimenting. There was nothing remotely discouraging about the sharing of ideas, no attempts to put people down or tell them what they couldn't do. I always found that kind of atmosphere conducive to magical work.

The last few years have seen a lot of changes in my life, and with it a continuing growth of disillusionment about occultism and what it represents. Occasionally I feel that I'm an old-fashioned curmudgeon when I look at what I perceive as a culture of image, of marketing the occult world in a particular way that to me all too often seems to focus more on the act of rebellion and less on the potential of magic. Occasionally, I look around and wonder, "What happened?"But then I also ask myself, "How much of this disillusionment is just your expectations?"

And really in many ways that's what disillusionment boils down to. It is the refutation of your expectations, the realization that you have placed expectations on something or someone...and suddenly the scales fall away and what you see may not match up with the reality you imagined...and what you see about yourself and how you've looked at a situation through blinders may also be very revealing. Any subculture goes through changes and the occult subculture is no different. How a person adapts to those changes or doesn't determines how much participation that person might have in the community down the line

Over the last few months I've withdrawn myself from a lot of the occult community happenings. Some of that has been the elemental love working and the demands it's placed on me in terms of really digesting what I'm learning about love, and myself. Some of it has been evaluating what my place is in the occult community, what I have to offer it, and whether what I offer is of any real value to the subculture. Some of it has been exploring life in different directions and perceptions that until now I hadn't thought to travel in.

In recently challenging the sacred cow of Crowley on this blog, I found the opportunity to really look at what one of my issues with occultism has been, namely the focus on the image over the reality. Because if there's one thing that Crowley represents, it is the image of the occultist that he created in both his actions and words. In some ways that notoriety has played in his favor, but in other ways, I have to wonder if he'd look at it as such a beneficial thing. It doesn't matter beyond the fact that people need symbols and so will gravitate toward those symbols. Crowley has moved beyond the role of the magician and assumed the role of an icon and a symbol for occultism, in particular Thelema. In truth my recent posts about Crowley showed me that it is very hard, if not impossible to separate the icon of Crowley from Crowley's writing.

That same issue is spared for just about any other writer of the occult. Most writers of the occult never achieve the notoriety Crowley had. The focus on their works is less about the image and more about the reality of what they were trying to do. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one to make in considering where occultism as a subculture is going. It's one I've considered carefully the last few months as I've withdrawn from the occult scene (Beyond what I post here). Is occultism about the image, about the appearance of a certain style or operating a certain way, wearing certain clothes, uttering certain catch phrases, in short fitting into an idealized image of occultism? Or is occultism about what we do, how we do it, how it can be used to change lives, help each other grow, and learn about the inner workings of the universe?

I've been pondering these two questions for years...and in some ways my work with identity is informed by my ponderings about these two questions...because identity is informed both by what we do and how we are perceived by others and ourselves...the content and the image.

In taking a step back from the occult scene and considering the different questions I have mentioned here, I've also been considering my disillusionment...the role my expectations play in that disillusionment, but also the recognition of the questions I'm asking and the answers I'm steadily working toward. I have no answers...and yet I have the longing to connect with others in finding those answers. In working magically with two different people lately, intimately working with them, challenging and being challenged, I'm struck by just how good it can be to have people to work with, to talk with, to share with your spirituality, your journey, even as they share there own.  And maybe that's an answer itself to me...and a cause all its own for that disillusionment I've felt. It's all too easy after all to get wrapped up in your journey that you forget to look around and enjoy perceive the journey of others. And isn't that, in it's own way, a form of judgment, of valuing certain things, without appreciating what really is available to a person? Yes...it can be.

With some distance perspective changes, just as a subculture changes...what results then?

Deity, service, bargains, needs, etc.

A while back I posted a few posts about deity and service The first one is here.

The second one is here.

The third one is here.

As I woke this morning I thought back to a situation where I could have potentially dedicated myself to a deity. I'm glad I didn't, because the truth is I'd make a horrible dedicant to a deity. I'm very casual about my relationships with any deity. I put the occasional offering out, but when it comes down to it, for me any relationship I have with a deity is ultimately not about service to the deity or its various fellow worshippers or the tasks it wants me to do. For me it's about the bargain. It's what can I do for you that will get you to do something for me. Or it's about forging a relationship of mutual benefit and friendship.

The role of priest or priestess isn't a role that fits me. While I can respect that people are called to that role, I couldn't ever see myself serving a deity in that way. Likewise I find the concept of being a god-slave unworkable for myself. I recognize that it might fulfill the needs someone else has to be in that role, but for me, it could never work and there's a fairly simple reason for that.

I'm blasphemous. I'd always question and challenge the god. When I was a Christian, long ago, I was always dissatisfied with the idea that I had to submit to some nebulous force that had all the answers and was willing to let people suffer in order to prove themselves to it. The comic Preacher, to me, represents the most accurate depiction of the Christian god, a cruel tyrant who seeks to force others to love him because he is fundamentally unable to deal with his own sense of fear and loneliness...so he creates a permanent co-dependent relationship with humanity, in order to get them to love him, while also tormenting them. I could never understand why a god would want unquestioning obedience and so if I couldn't give that to the Christian god, why would I give it to another god?

The posts I wrote above reflect that as well as my own beliefs about the gods. I agree with the Buddhist conception of deities, which is that they are ultimately enslaved and attached to their own power and consequently can't operate outside of what they represent. They becomes filters and doorways to access deep concepts, but in doing that they are also can't evolve or become anything else...unless of course they have interaction with human beings. By being served by humans they get access to experiences they might not otherwise have. For example, Invoke a god and what you do is provide a gatway to yourself, access to your energy and experiences. Of course you get access to that deity's energy as well and that can be useful for some people, but there's always a price. I've seen that price paid and the effect it's had on the people paying it, and I'm not sure the price is worth any power received.

I prefer bargaining to service, because service is ultimately submission. There is no guarantee you will get anything for your service, but with a bargain there are set conditions. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm a friend to a deity or demon...some people have argued that they prefer to create relationships with such beings that are friendly, but there's a question they don't ask, which is whether or not the deity/demon even comprehends the concept of friendship, or if it does, have they considered that the deity/demon might have an entirely different concept of friendship than what you have? They might think of you as a cat or a dog for instance.

So I go with bargaining. If I want something and I find I can't accomplish it through my own resources I find a being who can accomplish it, and we talk. What does it want in return for accomplishing something specific for me? In Purson's case, he wants a dedication to him in my next book on space/tiem magic and his sigil on the cover of my solo occult books. Fair enough, I can do that. I'm happy to give him credit where credit is due.

In the last nine months I've been working with Babalon. In fact, the situation I was reflecting on today was a possible dedication to her. Working with her has been challenging. She definitely demands a lot when you work with her. Last October when she made it very apparent that I would be working with her for a year in my element of love balancing work, she told me it would get harder before it got easier and it did get harder before it got easier. Even now as this working is descending into the final three months there are definite challenges she has for me. I wouldn't have it any other way. She told me she'd be my guide for the year long love working, that she'd help me get balanced about love. And she is. At one point I did dedicate myself to her, but in a moment of clarity I realized I hadn't dedicated myself to her, for her sake or my own, but someone else's, and she agreed that such a dedication wasn't something that she wanted. She is still with me for the next three months, perhaps even beyond, guiding me in my journey about love...and her price for it is not service to her or tasks to be done, but rather simply to know that I will continue doing the work for the course of this year and beyond to keep myself balanced in love and to really understand how to manifest love for myself and to others. I can live with that...and it occurs to me that a deity with that understanding of me is a deity I can respect because that deity isn't necessarily out to have my service, but does want some kind of understanding to exist.

In fact, my experience with babalon shows me that experiences with deities are subjective and end up occurring at exactly the level that is needed for a person. While one person may very well need to be a god-slave to a god, another person may just need a guide for a year. And yes it does boil down to need. I think a very important question any person needs to ask about serving a deity is: What need within myself does this service fulfill? There is always a need being fulfilled. Certainly working with babalon is fulfilling some deep needs within myself...needs that are becoming balanced. Could I have fulfilled those needs without working with her? Perhaps, but I believe it would've taken a very long time, whereas working with Babalon brought the situation into detailed focus. And so perhaps those people that seem to pay a price in my eyes, aren't really paying that price. They serve the deity in the way they do, and yet they get a need fulfilled, a need which they may or may not be conscious of, but yet if that need went unfulfilled...I think it comes down to an essential issue of identity, which is how much a person's needs define the interactions and experiences a person has, and who/what those experiences occur with.

I watch Lupa and her growing relationship with the spirits. We are definitely going on some different spiritual paths. Yet I also see that her spirit work is definitely fulfilling needs within her. It's helping her refine her path, serve other people, etc., but it's also meeting some needs within her. She seems more balanced to me as a result of doing the spirit work she's doing.

As for service...I think my own service is not to a particular deity or whatever concept it represents. My service ultimately goes to the communities I am part of, the people I interact with, the choice to help someone find his/her potential and realize it. That is my service...not to any one being or belief, but rather to the realization that we are all connected and so if we can help each other grow and realize the effect we have on this planet, on the other life forms on this planet, and on each other, we can choose to make that effect be beneficial instead of detrimental.

Elemental Love Working Month 9

So for a while I was posting my elemental love work in my live journal, but I've moved it over to here, starting this month...though I'll keep the rest in my livejournal as that suits me to keep it there. Nine months in and I just celebrated my anniversery with my wife, and the anniversery of when we met in person. We've been married two years and I did a lot of thinking about that and what marriage has taught me these last two years, and in particular the last nine months. This last month has continued me on that path of being open and vulnerable with her, without expectation....just letting her in and also letting myself in. Seems to me that you can't really know yourself or love yourself until you let yourself in to you...and if that sounds like a paradox, its really not...we build so many shields to other people that we end up putting ourselves outside the shield as well. No one wants to feel again the shame or humiliation for something done in the past, and yet to really be with yourself is to sometimes feel those feelings again so you can really let go of them, instead of holding them in you.

So in opening up to Lupa, I have had to open up to myself...and really that process has been occurring for the last nine months, not just with her, but with other people. Sometimes I've shut it down, not really able to handle that vulnerability...It takes work, a lot of effort, and there's also selectivity, because not just anyone fits the bill in terms of being open with someone...and it takes honesty, which isn't a quality I've ever had an easy relationship with. When you are used to hiding from yourself so that you hide from others, it takes work to stop hiding. For me, a victory is when I can choose not to act on impulse, but can stop, really look at it and then bring it up to myself and Lupa. No easy thing to do, but when it happens, I do feel better for it.

I think what I've really learned about love is that the initial period of being "in love" may seem like the best time to people, but what's really the best time is finding that intimacy, that belief in each other, and in yourself, when you've been in a relationship for a while. That requires a lot of communication, but also openness with someone. At the same time I have to admit I can really appreciate my intuition on who I can be open with...it's not for everyone that I could be so open with. Openness with yourself or someone else takes time...it has to happen at the pace that you're comfortable with, even in the other person wants you to open up at a different pace. But as a person opens and really lets someone in, as well as hirself, it does make for an opportunity to really discover the self and share it.

In thinking about the last nine months of love work and what has been asked of me in this work...As each layer has come away, as each moment has revealed to me what I need to sit with, as each person has come into my life or already been there, or left, I find learning opportunities...desire, intimacy, friendship, openness...and really a challenge to myself is what will you do with all that you've learned...How will you use it, now that you've experienced it...what meaning will these last nine months and the next three months have in the book of your life.

The answer is being written, found, chosen, lived, slowly but surely.

Staring into the sun

Sometimes I like to lay down on the floor of my apartment, with the overhead fan running, the light turned on, and stretch myself out, so that my arms and hands are placed like I was on a cross and my feet are stretched as well. I close my eyes and face my head toward the light, letting it pierce my closed eyelids while I let my mind wander on a mystical journey. I'm staring, staring, staring into the sun. There's nothing to really see, but the light provides me a doorway and stairs to climb. As I climb each step, the door shines brighter and brighter, but once I reach it and step through I find myself in another space, another time.

I'm in a place of light in all directions, all shades of colors, a place of nothingness, of zero, all about to become one. I'm in endless potential, floating, no sensation other than light...yet it's so crowded, everything grasping, gasping, desperate to become one...to move forth form potential into action, nirvana into reality.

All the little pieces fit together perfectly. Nothing is out of place because there is nothing...it's all a ghost, shades of maybe played out for all to see, but there's no audience here, no awareness, just something primal, the perfect bringing together of different sounds...a cosmic soup, but no one's eating just yet. We await, we of the potential, give us direction, give us harmony, give us life...give us a fake reality, illusion, but it's so real!

Give us crystallization, the slow hum of feeling something replace nothing, direction, zero becomes 1, becomes the arrow which becomes direction, reality manifested, so it all fits together, falls into place, perfection, dig? It's everything you wanted, everything you needed, everything you dreaded. It's reality.

Zero and 0ne. Everything and nothing becomes something when your hand stirs the mix and takes away potential, shaping it into reality, molding, sculpting, playing.

Spirit becomes thought, thought becomes emotion, emotion becomes action, action creates reality.

He;s putting it all together, the subtle strum...it's so close, so perfect...it is, we are...everything becomes and is...all else fade away...let go, let go, let go...your bliss is here, zero is here, 1 subsumed, collapsing back into zero.

Welcome back...you've become the potential of everything and nothing...no particular spark, you're floating on a sea of quantum light and hum....all and nothing, pure potential...sink, sink, sink under the waves, til you're pulled out again to become 1, direction into reality.

It just is...don't you get it...it just is...let go...you're done now...time is starting up again.

Bonding with the Land

I don't get tattoos very often. In fact, I only get them on special occasions. I got a phoenix to say goodbye to the east as well as to signify my rebirth from the ashes of academia. I got a Green wolf paw on my left breast, when I married my wife. Today I got a Chinese Blue Dragon. I have only two more I'll potentially get, but those are stories for other times. Let me tell you the story of the blue dragon. I met the blue dragon long ago, off the coast of Maine. I threw a necklace to it, an offering to it, something of me for something of the fey wildness of the ocean. I didn't encounter it again until I moved to Portland, OR. Portland and Oregon's energy have always felt safe to me...felt like home. When Lupa and I hiked the Multnomah falls for the first time, the blue dragon came out of the water and kissed me and asked if I remembered it.

It told me that it wanted me to bond to the land here. The last time I bonded to the land it was in Ohio and dissolving those bonds had been painful and Seattle had rejected me...but Portland and Oregon wanted me. So I said yes and agreed to get a tattoo as part of the bonding...I'd given blood and saliva to the land before, and this time a tattoo, with pain and some blood given again to the land. I was originally going to get the tattoo in November of '07, but other things happened, including not having a job. And eventually when all of that got figured out, the blue dragon told me to reschedule the appointment. So I did. And today I went in.

My tattoo artist at Infinity Tattoo, Alice Kendall, set me up, got me shaved, and then inked. The outline took a while...careful tracings of lines, and I felt the blue dragon's presence. He reached over to me. His energy touched mine. He asaid, "Make an offering of your pain and blood to the land, to me." And I did. I made an offering...I felt my pain start flowing to the dragon, and to the rivers and the land.

I felt my pain flow and I felt an exchange of energy come into me. When she started filling in the color of the tattoo, the exchange quickened...more pain flowing out, but more energy of the land flowing in. As she kept inking, I relaxed into the pain. I didn't fight it. I let it become part of me. I let it go. I let my mind slip into a gray void, but through it all the blue dragon was there, whispering to me about the land, whispering to me about IYR...whispering to me about the secrets of water and reality...

When the tattoo was finished, I felt half in this world, half in the land. I tipped the artist a nice fee...The Blue dragon was pleased...always honor those who help you connect to me.

I left, got into the car and the blue dragon settled into the tattoo, with one last whisper..."You and I are bonded to each other now"

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="700" caption="The Blue Dragon"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="700" caption="The Blue Dragon"][/wp_caption]

Magic, Culture, Identity

Taylor's latest post helped codify a few things I'd been considering as well in the world of magical practice and the role of identity. As noted previously, a great deal of the influence on my magical and meditative practices are distinctly Eastern, mostly Taoist, Indian, Chinese and Buddhist.  Such practices also have far different identity-concepts for people with magical and mystical inclinations and skills.  The often-eccentric Taoist Immortal, a studious Chinese Fang-shih, an awakened Buddhist mediator, are different identities than the western magician.

Thus I've begun to wonder if the concepts of the Western Magician are not just different - is it possible they are too limited?  Do the identities provided in Western Magic limit who we are and what we can become, especially in an age where we have so much information at our finger tips:

A few factors and things I've thought of: * The aforementioned dominance of Crowley.  I of course consider him talented, but also over-rated, and a person who despite his many experiences, never actually seemed to grow much as a person.  He became very iconic - and perhaps having that icon was too limiting. * The ironic influence of Chaoism.  Chaoism's deconstructive bent was entirely necessary for magical and mystical practices to make any progress because one had to go back to the basics.  However ages later, it appears there's still far more deconstructing going on that constructing.  I feel the deconstructive vein in magic has gone too far, with systems being built up and torn down, but little being made for the long term. * The western role model for the magician.  The west's spiritual heritage is often anti-magical and extremely limited in it's acceptance of mystical experiences.  Thus western magic has an odd undercurrent of negativity running through it - the Faustian image, excessive Crowley, battling secret-societies, etc.  This self-limiting and subconciously negative view of magic is one I find very troublesome and suspect lies as a mild, constant poison in western culture. * The association of magic with rebellion in our culture.  Though understandable given the last item, rebellion is only useful in what comes out of it.  If the Revolution doesn't build something, then what's the point of it? * The rebellion aspect of magic also prevents it from being integrated socially - when you are considering yourself an "outsider" there's only so much one can do with society at large.  Most of history has practitioners of magic not as outsiders in the large, but part of society - even if the society kept them at a distance for obvious reason. * The dissociation of magic from other practices.  Being "a magician" is in a way really limiting - as our ideas of a magician are limiting.

Coming to the Western approach from a mix of being an outsider and an insider, I think our concepts of the magician need to change for magic to evolve and grow, embrace broader identities.  Maybe we need to be practitioners of magic while being more, where magician is part of a larger - but integrated - picture.