Raphael: Art copyright Taylor Ellwood 2019
7-22-2019 Today I shifted over to Hod/Air/Mercury/Raphael and its and interesting shift…a sharp, clear shift that feels like a papercut, especially when paired with creativity. Actually I’m finding this entire meta process to be intriguing because I’m bundling these correspondences together with creativity and of course the creative insights I’m getting and the paths that are opening are very helpful.
Today, for example, it was getting further clarity on how to launch my first fiction book and what can be done to help that fiction book stand out, while also dong some further writing on my next fiction book. In any case I’m just letting myself get carried into the air and the associations with it.
7-24-2019 I’m going to see my mom in a couple of days and I’m having a weird reaction to the visit on an emotional level. I haven’t seen her in a while, since before my dad died and even though they haven’t been married since almost my entire life time I think in a weird kind of way i’m having the reaction because I don’t want to see how much she’s changed, partially because its coming face to face with her aging and also acknowledging I only have one parent now. I’m trying to just be present with the reaction and what I’m feeling but I’ll admit its a hit in the gut.
7-27-2019 I’m visiting my mom and helping her with the process of moving. Going through things with her brings up its own emotions. I’ve found old pictures of myself and a few other things I’ll eventually bring home. In the meantime I’m just enjoying the moments with her because I realize they are finite.
As an interesting aside, since this is the month for Hod/Air etc., I find it interesting that I’m getting to do further long distance working with the sphere for this week. It’s those little synchronicities, which tell me I’m going in the right direction.
7-28-2019 I’m helping my mom sort through her things, which includes a lot of artistic work that she’s done. In an odd way I also feel I’m sorting through some of my early life, and so it brings up some emotions as I remember moments and realize I’ll never see the thing that caused the memory again. At the same time, helping her sort through things makes me realize just how much she’s done as a creative artist and what causes she’s supported and believed in, which makes me look at my own work a bit differently and ask myself what I’ve believed in and stood for and how that shows up in my work. I do see those beliefs in my work and in what I’m sharing with others, but recognizing is its own thing.
7-29-2019 Last night I did the sphere of art working at the hotel I was staying at and I got a headache afterwards. I think the chaotic energy of that particular space pushed back against what I was doing with the sphere. I ended up checking out today and got into a new place, which is a bit more expensive, but a lot quieter. The entire night I was at the previous place people were talking and a dog was yipping and it just felt unwelcome, but perhaps the SOA made it clear I didn’t belong in that environment.
7-30-2019 I find it fascinating when I have an encounter where it becomes clear that there was a possible tangent that could have made that encounter happen earlier or in a different way. This doesn’t happen with every person I meet, but there are certain people where it does and where it’s clear it was inevitable we would meet at some point. I don’t know if this happens with every person. I know it happens with me and when it does I pay close attention because of what can be potentially learned by exploring a probable time line. At the same time (ha!), there must be a clear understanding that such an exploration has specific value only as a way of understanding the resonance that is experienced and how best to work with it in this variation of time/space.
7-31-2019 Had a dream last night where the person (or a variation) showed up and provided some instruction/ideas about a project I’m starting to work on using narrative story to change one’s life through magic. The inspiration provided gives me an angle I hadn’t considered. I did the SOA before all this and meditated on Mercury/Raphael with a specific request for inspiration but also to verify what I suspected about the time line variation and I got my answer in the form of the variant providing conversation and inspiration that gave me direction.
In conversation with mom tonight, had a very important realization about my relationship with emptiness and women. When I was a kid I only got to see my mom approximately 8 or so weeks out of the year, thanks to the custody schedule. When I’d see her I’d want as much time as possible (understandably so), because I didn’t get that time otherwise. And talking about that tonight made me realize just how much not seeing her regularly played a role in the emptiness I felt and my need to try and fill that emptiness with anything, which often included relationships. I don’t feel that way so much now, but I still see some echoes of it and it makes me realize I need to do some work around this realization.
8-1-2019 Further dream work with the realization last night helped me understand a couple things. I never got the time with my mom growing up that I wish I had. And I lived with a dad who was emotionally absent (among other things) and a step mom who would have preferred I wasn’t there. Now I realize that if I’m lucky I’ll be able to see my mom at least a few more times, but realistically, I’ve got low double digits. So it makes me realize just how much it wounded me not to have that time with her as a kid, to only see her maybe 9-10 weeks a year at most. And then I look at how I’ve always fallen hard and fast with women I’ve been interested in and how that’s created its own co-dependency, because I was trying to fill something within my life that couldn’t be filled, trying to make up for the absence of having a mom in my life. Not that I think of any of the people I’ve been with as mom, per se, but rather that I was looking for something from them that they couldn’t provide (nor should they). So where do I go with that? What do I do with it? Hopefully heal this painful wound or come to some peace with it. It hurts for the moment, because the scab has been ripped off, but working through it will help me a better person in the end.
8-2-2019 My air travel was a comedy of mercurial errors, with delays and wrong directions…and somehow through it all I got home. It’s been a very long day, but I made it. I am here, I am that I am!
8-5-2019 Since I’ve gotten back, I’ve noticed other mercurial happenings, both positive and negative I suppose. For example, picking up Kat ended up taking longer than usual because of construction on 205 I didn’t know about, but on the other hand, I was able to really open up to her and let her in about some realizations I had while visiting my Mom, which I think only strengthened us further. Today I’ve felt a strong determination to move forward with a writing project and get things done and I’m certain some of that is also related to this work.
8-11-2019 The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity around launching my first fiction book and doing a whole bunch of other book marketing activities. In a way it reminds me of being self-employed before, but this time around its actually productive. I’m getting things done and seeing better results. It makes me realize all over again that I’m here to write. The rest is window dressings. That kind of clarity is precious.
8-14-2019 What keeps me going is knowing what I want and knowing I can make it reality. Today was one of those rough days at work and what helps me get through it is a sense of hope, of knowing this job isn’t forever. I feel the rhythm of space and time and I know I’ve created the foundation that will support my desired lifestyle and now its all about building on it. This is part of why I write, part of why I practice magic. I create my life by design.
8-18-2019 Something I am increasingly aware of is how different my approach to magic is from other people who practice. I’ve joined a few other Facebook groups and what I see there works, but its very classic and I’m anything but classic. Then again, I don’t know that I’m really all that similar to other people anyway. So why it should surprise me that my magical work is also different? The last few days of Mercury workings have been increasingly intense as I’m getting close to the end. At the same time, I’ve found myself closer to the end of another writing project. This entire year thus far has been a trip down my creativity and what it could be.
8-19-2019 I’m feeling a sense of anxiety today. When I sit with it I realize its because I’m taking that next step in my creative journey and there’s the inevitable feeling of fear and panic. Yet if I stay where I’m comfortable, I’ll get nowhere, so I remind myself of that and trust that what I’m doing will work and if not i’ll learn from it. That’s what you do.
I did some meditation around this feeling and I realized it was a fear that people wouldn’t like the fiction book. In a very real sense I feel vulnerable publishing it. It’s letting a part of me out that I’ve mostly kept to myself. But I also feel ready. So I worked through the fear and let it go.
8-20-2019 Wrapping up Mercury/Hod an moving on to Venus/Netzach for the next month. This month has been very interesting. I’ve learned a lot about myself in working with Mercury’s influence and I also feel like the SOA has been strengthened by integrating Mercury into the mix. At the same time, I’ve found myself being more open and vulnerable with some people, moreso than I might be initially, and then of course, not just launching my first fiction book, but wrapping up the other one. It’s been an amazing month.