Identity Tattoo Part 2

 

Yesterday I went in for the last session of the identity tattoo. This time, for me, the focus wasn't on covering something up, but being open to identity and where it could take me. Instead of trying to rewrite the past, I just allowed myself to be open to the present, and the possibilities of the future. I think part of that too came from the sense of completion I feel around writing Neuro-Space/Time Magic.

Identity has been such an interesting element to explore...it's a meta-element really because its present in everything, no matter how much we try to deny it. It could even be argued that our denial just strengthens it. Regardless of how you look at it, however, identity is present. It goes beyond a constructed sense of self to something much deeper. It displays itself in everything we do or don't do. It's a cycle, and that's why the tattoo ending up the way it has makes complete sense to me. All of the internal work I've done, everything I'm doing now is part of a cycle that's my identity. And it goes beyond one life time, I think...it's a continuing exploration of everything, changing in a dance that we can sense if we are open to acknowledging it.

Being present with your desire

One of the books I'm currently reading is Undefended Love (Affiliate link) and within that book they discuss the importance of being present with something you think you need and learning how to work with it so that eventually it moves from a need to a want and then to a desire and then to a preference. It's something I've been working with lately as I continue to do a lot of internal work and dissolution around different issues. I've found this to sequence to be a good model that explains how something that was a need can turn into something you want, but don't need. When we can learn to recognize that a need doesn't define us, it no longer is a need. When you need something it defines you, but if you want something, you know you don't necessarily have to have it. And as you continue in this process of dissolution you can eventually step away from any labels you'd previously been attached to this.

This practice can also apply to labeling yourself with dysfunctions. I've noticed that many people now label themselves by their dysfunctions and in the process define themselves by the dysfunction. They try to claim the dysfunction, but what they end up doing is "needing" the dysfunction. So instead of working with it, and trying to change it, they let it control their behavior. But it's entirely possible to step away from the label and in the process examine the "need" for that label, and ask yourself why you need the label. You may even find that by doing this practice it can also help you begin to take steps to deal with the dysfunction in a manner that allows you to heal from it.

I've used this practice lately to examine some of the needs I haven't previously questioned and its helped me recognize how many of those needs have been defined by dysfunctional and unhealthy behavior. This isn't to say that there aren't healthy reasons for wanting something, but if something is a need, chances are there is some unhealthy behaviors contributing to that sense of needing it. By examining why I need it, I've been able to focus on those unhealthy behaviors and start healing them through focused meditation. The sense of need has shifted to want, and in turn has allowed me to approach what it is I want from a place of conscious recognition about the value it brings to my life and where it fits in with everything else.

Book Review: Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion (affiliate link) by George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins

Verbal Judo is an excellent book that presents techniques that anyone can use to help defuse tense situations with language. It also helps you understand how to be a better communicator with people in general. I like the stories and examples the authors use to demonstrate the technique, because it shows how it can work and what to do to make it work. The book is broken into small chapters which makes for easy reading, but I recommend taking your time and trying out the techniques. It is a little slow at the start and the authors do a bit of ego stroking, but overall the book is good.

Four out of Five stars

Tattoo for Identity

When I ended the elemental Emptiness working back in 2009, I'd switched to the element of Time, or so I thought, but I ended up realizing part way through the year that I'd really ended up with element of Identity, which makes perfect sense, because after emptiness I found I needed to establish a new identity. I'd cleared so much of myself out that I needed to rediscover who I was. Not to long after the emptiness year ended, I also got divorced, which brought its own change in identity with it. And in looking back at the years I'd done my different elemental balancing rituals it became apparent that much of my understanding of identity is wrapped in that elemental balancing work, because that work gave me the first opportunity to move past so much of what had held me back and replace it with what was healthiest for me.

As you can see the tattoo isn't finished yet, but this is what we gone done today. I hope to finish it up in a month, but I'm really pleased with the work the artist did.

I waited awhile to get this tattoo, partially because I had to decide if I was going to cover up a tattoo I already had. In the end I decided to cover up the old tattoo as the final part of a reclaiming/purification ritual for myself. Reclaiming my identity and my freedom to be who I need and want to be. I've pretty much done that already in my life, but this tattoo is the final part of that reclaiming, the last resolution needed to move on.

It's a lot more than that as well. I chose the Yin/Yang symbol surrounded by the five classic Chinese elements of Fire Water, Metal, Wood, and Earth. It represents the elemental balancing ritual and how much of a role it's played in my life, in terms of establishing and exploring my identity and place in the universe. And the yin/Yang symbol is representative of the Taoist meditation techniques I've used to help me do so much of the very needed internal work I needed to do.

Today as I was inked, I did the water breathing meditation and relaxed into the pain of the needle, letting it wash over, purifying me of the past, even as it helped me embrace the present and my promise to myself: Never to sacrifice my identity for anyone else. To always strike the right balance in all my relationships so that I can honor myself and the people I interact with. To be honest with myself so I can be honest with the people in my life.

I let the pain wash over me and I meditated on the pain of change and realized how good it can be. It's hurt while it's happening, but the end result, the realization is you're in a better place than you were before. And that's how I feel: I'm in a much better place than I've ever been.

Beginning-Ending

My mind is all aglow and on fire with the secrets of the universe being whispered in my ears by all possibilities and none, XAH highest of me, EHEIEH, god breath that moves space and time into place to show me the silver pathway to all I can be. In these whispered words I hear the song of the elements combining everything together into patterns of manifest reality that present a sense of the universe that goes beyond any explanation and yet speaks more eloquently to the harmony of all things and none that come together to present possibility an opportunity to become reality tangible, palpable reality.

I gaze with crystalline eyes into the silver light seeing a web that hums and strums with power spatial nodes representing place, person, or thing, while temporal strands of activity move the spaces with their songs of power and promise.

I am in the zero space/time continuum where nothing matters and everything is revealed where identity becomes one from zero and emptiness gives way to realizations of empowerment through peace identity changing from dysfunction to function to awareness that no one is a victim of themselves unless they choose to wallow in their victimhood and excuse themselves from taking responsibility for their end of matters

Magic reveals the greatest truth that life is an endless play of possibility on reality of the conjoining sexual acts of space and time joining each other shuddering in lustful, blissful abandon to create this present moment a baby of circumstance, fate, destiny and the shattering sighs of universal harmony dissonant in our ears, for we cannot hear fully that song of time and space joining into one, The present is a present, with the past full of hidden secrets and the future blazing ahead to provide this final greatest moment of life passing to death passing to life the cycle has no end or beginning just endless possibility, endless illusion til you strip away the scales from your eyes and see all along it was a joke you played on yourself to bring meaning into your every moment a cruel explanation of why when we look into each other's eyes we realize we know each other for you are in me, and I in you and soon we discover we are all in each other everything we ever needed

Now join me for this one last act this blissful orgasmic death love lust act of sex, the little death the beginning-end of our song and drama I let you go, let go of myself and find in the release the expression of space/time that exquisitely presents this god breath whispering into me writing. We're all joined in this moment. Hello to me, hello to XAH my highest self telling me the secrets of the universe penning them down, laughing all the while. We'll meet again you and I, when we see ourselves in each other and realize it's all an illusion this joke of you and I.

Invocation and the process of magic

Traditional invocation is a technique magicians use to connect with entities. Invocation involves allowing the entity to access your consciousness and take partial or full control of your body.  Invocation is done for a variety of reasons, as follows: Information: Invoking an entity can give a person access to the entity's knowledge, though usually the entity will want something in return. Since invocation is the easiest way to pass information along, what the entity usually wants is the opportunity to enjoy some time in the person's body, having experiences it might not normally have. The magician will share consciousness with the entity, allowing it a taste ofh is/her experiences. It will provide the information in return, so that the magician has access to it when needed. This type of invocation could be considered a form of divination, though usually it's for very specific information the magician wants.

Possession: Sometimes an entity will be invoked in order to give it possession of the invoker's body. For example, in voudon, the invoker will allow the loa to fully take over his/her body. This type of possession isn't limited to just voudoun, but you are less likely to encounter in other traditions. With this type of invocation, it is very important that the magician has other people on hand, both to keep his/her body safe, and to keep an eye on what the entity is doing, while also recording any information it offers.  When the person is possessed s/he will move differently than normal, may talk in a different language, and otherwise will act like the entity. The entity will use the possession to express itself, not just in language, but in movement, and in whatever other ways it can, in order to convey its message to other people.

Healing: An entity can be invoked to help in a healing ritual. The magician will invoke such an entity when s/he wants to heal someone and wants to draw on resources the entity can offer to help with the healing. The benefit of invoking an entity is that it can help guide you as you're doing your healing work on the person. You can also invoke an entity when you want to ask it to heal you. This can be useful, because the entity is drawing on its own energy, as opposed to drawing on the impaired resources of the body.

Worship: In a religious context, an entity is invoked as a way to worship it. The person who invokes it doesn't allow it full possession, but will channel it, so that the worshippers can interact with the entity. The ritual that's performed to invoke the entity is part of the worship process.

Non-Traditional Invocation

I mentioned traditional invocation, which implies that there is non-traditional invocation, and in fact there is. I developed non-traditional techniques, which I've discussed in full in Multi-Media Magic, when I realized that invocation is a two way street. In other words, if I can invoke an entity into me, it stands to reason that I can also invoke myself into the entity. Pathworking, which is a type of meditation, where a person creates a virtual reality, can actually be used for that purpose if you're working with an entity. Invocation works on a principle of identification. In order to successfully invoke an entity, the magician needs to identify with the entity, and through that identification provide a pathway that it can use to access the body, mind, and spirit of the magician. But this same pathway and identification can also be used to invoke yourself into the entity. It's a matter of being able to understand it enough to access its consciousness. I've found this type of invocation most useful for obtaining information from the entity, but it can also be useful in a situation where you want to do an exchange of essence with the entity. By being able to access the entity in its native environment, you can get a better handle on the essence it provides you, in return for what you give to it.

You can also invoke yourself into a person. Since invocation is based on connection, if you can connect with the person, you can invoke yourself into him/her. I've invoked myself into people to help them unblock or heal themselves. I've also this practice as a way of aligning with other people when we do long distance rituals. This kind of invocation should only be done with the permission of the person you are invoking yourself into. It's important to remember that you will be getting access to that person's emotions, memories, etc., but that person will also be getting access to you and could just as easily invoke him/herself into you. I think it's ideal to use this kind of working to help someone work through an issue or to synchronize people before doing a major magical working.

Am I missing anything? Would you add anything else about invocation?

Identity and Time

Each year on my birthday I do an elemental magic switchover to a new element for the next year. Last year I switched from Emptiness to Time. This year, however, I'm not going to switch from Time. Part of it is because astrologically Saturn is a significant influence over the next year and I think I should capitalize on it, but part of it also is because while I did some work with time, I ended up actually working a lot more with the element of Identity. It makes sense actually because when I finished with the element of Emptiness, I felt like my life was a blank slate. And in January of 2010, I was divorced. Needless to say that was also a big change in identity for me, and I felt like much of this year has been an exploration of who I am and what I want and need.

Even getting involved in a new relationship has brought identity changes. I identify myself as childfree, but my partner has children and that's involved some adjustment to how I think about children and my identity in relationship to them. This entire year has been less about time and more about identity, discovering and claiming my identity, as well as claiming boundaries for that identity. I actually think that's one of the more magical acts I've done this year. It's helped me understand the role of identity in magical work, and it's also helped me identify the parts of my identity that I've wanted to change.

This year has been one of the best years of my life. Instead of holding on to the past, I've let go and embraced the present as an opportunity to explore who I can be, and in turn allow that realization to manifest in the universe and in my life. The previous years of internal work have paid off, and my life has come into a lot more focus as I've really reshaped my contractual agreement with the universe into an agreement I can really be behind. And it's going to keep getting better from here.

My work with the element of time is something I'm going to continue with. But today I'm going to celebrate my holy day.

Happy birthday to me

Identity

Last October, I switched the element I was working with from Emptiness to Time, or so I thought. And I have done some work with time and space and in fact would say the work I've done has been very integral to my life growth, but I realized recently that if I've really been working with an element this year, it's actually identity. Last October I felt like everything got cleared away, and it did...if not then, then in January with the divorce. And the last half year or so has involved rediscovering my identity, my space, and my time. And even though I have gotten involved with someone new and am happily exploring a relationship with her now, I still feel very focused on the discovery of my agreement with the universe, and what I really want my identity to embody in this life.

I'm also discovering what I don't want in my agreement with the universe, and so as a result I'm looking carefully at my life and who and what I include in that life, as well what behaviors I'll accept or won't accept (both from myself and others). So I've realized that in a lot of ways identity has been my element this year, at least on a subtle level, because this year has been more about planting seeds of who I will become and also embracing the new circumstances than anything else.

And I think its magical, because magic isn't something that happens at a prescribed time or in a prescribed way. Magic is about the mundane details as well as the spiritual, really about the integration of both...

Video: Internal work and Definitions

As I continue to explore the role of definitions in magic, I've also applied them to internal work, with the specific understanding that any given issue brings with it definitions of the reactions a person will take when the issue comes up. The video below goes into more depth about this:

Clothing, magic, and identity

The other night I got into a conversation with a friend about how clothing can be used to help a person fit into a community. The way I see it is clothing is another tool in your magical arsenal that you can use. We use clothing everyday and we also look at how other people are using clothing to determine if those people fit in with our respective outlook. I think of clothing as a symbol, and an indicator of a lot of other information about person. That person over there? She's wearing a business suit, so she's either working in a corporate job, or is a self-employed entrepreneur. That person over there, he's wearing a pair of denim jeans, work boots, and a t-shirt. He's either working in construction, or in a tech company. Now the only problem with what I've just written is that we're judging what those people do (and to a lesser extent who they are) by the clothes they wear and we could be completely wrong...and yet people do this all the time, and the enterprising magician is aware of this and has clothing for different occasions, in order to fit in with whatever type of situation s/he is in...or stand out as the occasion warrants. Watch the video below, where I discuss this more and then tell me what you think. Do you use clothing in your magical work, and if so, what do you do?

Short notes

A Note about Definitions and Meaning My post about definitions could easily also apply to the word models. The word models is used a lot in magic theory. There is the spiritual model, the psychological model, the model for this or the model for that. But I don't think definitions are really models. I do think models are metaphors that attempt to categorize magic, whereas I think definitions are less about categorization and more about making meaning, or maybe even making connection through meaning. You can't really have connection if some kind of meaning isn't involved and definitions are all about meaning, the establishment of it as the way to understand what's around and within.

A Note about Immanion Press

I'm still involved in Immanion Press. At one point, in the winter, I gave some serious thought to leaving Immanion Press as the managing editor and heading for the hills as it were, but then the divorce happened and I figured that was a big enough change in my life. The purpose of Immanion Press, as it applies to occult books, is to publish the books other publishers won't touch and/or reprint what's out of print. And I think we've published some great books by some great authors and I hope we continue to.

What isn't realized, I think, is that for all intents and purposes Immanion Press is volunteer run. I don't really get paid for doing the editing, layout, or managing of other editors. It's a lot of work and it's mostly a labor of love, save on those occasions when it can become a labor of hate.

I won't be at the Esoteric Book Conference this year representing Immanion Press. Lupa will be there, and you can buy books from the press through her. I have mixed feelings on how much I will represent the esoteric book line in the future, since I no longer do any of the distribution for it, beyond my own books. I'll still do the managing editor part, but I figure it's time to focus on myself a bit more, which includes finishing some writing I've been working on, so I actually have a justifiable reason to show up at a conference.

Review of Sacred Kink by Lee Harrington

What I most enjoyed about this book was Lee's efforts to provide detailed information about each path and create a framework for people from multiple belief systems to engage in the incorporation of kink to their spirituality. Lee's expertise as both a sex educator and spiritual teacher shows through in this book time and time again. He provides excellent examples and also useful definitions for understanding each path. I found a lot in this book that I know I can apply to my own spiritual practices and I think anyone else would find a similar treasure trough.

5 out of 5

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Video Blog Magic and Identity part 2

In this video I explore the concept of identity further and how it relates to magical work. I discuss definitions and their role in forming identity.

video blog: Identity and magic part 1

In this video I discuss the connection between identity and magic, as well as why the concept of identity needs to be explored in further depth in order to understand the process of magic.

Pop culture magic working with Stingray Sam

My dear friend Bill recently introduced me to a movie called Stingray Sam, which is the story of a space cowboy who has to fulfill a mission in order to finish paying off his debt to society. The theme song of the movie is: "Stingray Sam is not a hero, but he does do the things that folks don't do that need to be done. He's got a bravery inside, that won't let him run away, will not let him run!"

I found this song to be very evocative and also found that I really liked the character of Stingray Sam. There was a strong resonance with this character, who isn't necessarily a hero, but is someone who will do the things that other folks won't do. I recognized that he could be a really useful influence for me to draw on, when it came to doing things in my business that I didn't want to do, but knew needed to be done.

Not only would Stingray Sam motivate me to do those things that need to be done, but he would also insist I do them when I didn't want to. At the same time, Stingray Sam has a natural charisma and friendliness that I could draw on with my interactions with people, a kind of integrity that would make those people feel comfortable, without feeling like I was imposing on them.

Recently, I got flyers for my business and have been hitting the streets with them. In my mind, I played the Stingray Sam as I walked around handing out flyers, drawing on his influence to help me be comfortable with something I normally wouldn't do, but also so I could draw on his personality traits, in my interactions with other people. I even adapted my accent to his accent, so that I sounded like him. I noticed that throughout the time I did this, I felt very happy and comfortable. It was rather interesting, and quite useful as well.

I would note that Stingray Sam is most effective when you are doing activities you normally would not do that need to be done, or doing activities that other people don't do that need to be done. I definitely felt an instant connection to this pop culture entity, and would highly recommend to others that you watch the movie, if you want to work with the entity.

Update on Laban work

I've been doing the first set of dance stretches in the Laban book for a little while now and discovered in the process an awareness of my body and its muscles I previously lacked. It's quite an intriguing feeling and it's translated out into the dance floor in terms of some moves I've been doing that previously I wouldn't have thought of. I also have used it as part of my paratheatrical work and one of my next paratheatrical works is going to involve using excitatory work to get in touch with my body consciousness, per the suggestion of a reader of this blog. I find that Laban combines very nicely with paratheatrical work in terms of getting the body revved up, but this will a further experiment of actually using Laban to work with my body consciousness directly.

On a different note, I did take a different tact with the body work, in terms of inhibitory meditation and found that focusing just on one cell led to better results in terms of working with the consciousness of the cell and getting another possible direction I can take my time work as a result.

Why I choose to use my name publically

When I was eighteen, I was outed from the broom closet by the parents of a friend. I remember coming home and being told by my mom that I had a half hour to either burn my books or move out. I had no job, half a tank of gas, and was in high school, so I opted to burn the books, though I hid the ones I hadn't read. I remember she even made me burn my books of magic comic series just because it had the word magic in it. I also remember feeling shame for my choice and a week later telling her that if she ever made me make that choice again I would disown her. Half a year later, still eighteen, I remember getting a phone call from one of the parents of that friend. He threatened to kill me and sang hymns, telling me how I was damned to hell for my beliefs. I told him I had a crossbow bolt for him and called the police. He didn't call after the police had called him, but those two experiences helped me realize something fundamental: Hiding my beliefs wasn't the answer. By hiding my beliefs I encouraged the very ignorance those people displayed toward me. I determined that I would never hide my beliefs. I wrote my books using my name, regardless of what professional or personal consequences might occur, because I knew that it was more important to be transparent than to hide what I believe because of the ignorance and fear of others.

Fast forward to the present. I am kinky, poly, and an occultist. I'm also a self-employed business and social media consultant. If you google my name you'll find a mixture of all of these realities in the search results. I was told recently by a business mentor that several people felt the dragon on my business site was occultish. I doubt they'd actually searched my name, but I recall telling her that if they were that freaked out by the logo then they'd be even more freaked out by my beliefs.

Ironically, perhaps, I've encountered people in the business world that have told me that they also practice magic...so perhaps my openness has encouraged them to be more open as well. What I do know is this: By choosing to be open about my beliefs I feel that I'm making a statement of integrity and hopefully educating the ignorant in the process that my beliefs do not destine for hell or make me an unsuitable person in any other way, shape, or form.

I will never hide my choices or who I am, to make it convenient for someone else. If you choose not to do business with me because of my spiritual and lifestyle choices, or choose to judge me because of your own inadequacies, it's not my problem. I cannot and will not lessen myself for any person or business just to coddle their sense of reality. I'd rather people accepted me for who I am, and while in the course of my business day, I don't blatantly advertise my lifestyle choices and beliefs, if the conversation comes up I don't hide it either. Because when we choose to hide, that's when we lose.

Body consciousness experiment

Today I decided to start working with the consciousness of my body and its perception of time. My first step was to do a meditation where I got in touch with the consciousness of my body as an overarching consciousness. In other words, instead of trying to connect with just a cell, I would try to connect with my entire body's sense of consciousness. I think my approach to this was informed by being human, and the human tendency to think of consciousness as singular. I'm not sure how effective that was, in this particular case. I did start out small, with one cell, and thought that I might connect with the entire consciousness by getting the cell to communicate to other cells a consistent message. This did seem to work to some degree, as I got to a point where I had a definite impression I was in touch with what I might consider to be a body consciousness that was comprised of multiple consciousnesses that were focused on communicating together to communicate with me, but it didn't feel (for lack of better word) right. Nor was it really helpful for me, in terms of working with the sense of time. Instead what I did get was a communication of urgency, which pushed me out of trance and got me into the bathroom. I can't say the body didn't communicate, for it surely did, but I think I will take a different tack to this experiment next time. Still you can't know what will work until you try and trying this approach did help some. I just don't think it's the right approach...

Review of The Hidden Brain

Review of The Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam Proponents of mindfulness and conscious intent may be disappointed when they read this book and realize just how much our unconscious dictates and influences our decisions. The author isn't afraid to tackle tough issues, such as how the hidden brain influences people's thinking about racial and gender issues, as well as how the group mind can actually harm you as opposed to help you. I found this to be a fascinating read because the author presents some compelling evidence that supports his claim and shows just how much the unconscious effects everyday life and decisions. I recommend this book as a refreshing and eye-opening perspective on how we make decisions.

5 out of 5

Tattoos as magical oaths

I was looking at the green wolf paw tattoo that I got shortly after Lupa and I got married. We're getting divorced now, but it never once occurred to me to get the tattoo removed. In fact, I intend to keep it, because it's a very significant tattoo to me, as are all my other ones. I consider my body to be the most powerful magical "tool" I have. It is a physical embodiment of my life, and a record of that living. When I get a tattoo on my body, I am placing a record of a significant even, entity, or person in my life, but also taking a magical oath in relationship to that event, entity, or person, as it pertains to my life.

My first tattoo is a red orange phoenix with my symbol on it. I got it to signify my choice to move from the East to the West, to signify a Rebirth in my life. It marks my choice to rebirth my life completely and its fair to say since moving to the West coast, I have rebirthed my life in ways I couldn't even imagine.

My second Tattoo is the Green Wolf Paw, with an L in it. It represents Lupa. I got it because I wanted to mark in my skin the permanence of my relationship with Lupa. While we're no longer romantic partners and will soon be divorced, Lupa is a significant person in my life. She will always be in my life, in some capacity just by the fact that we wrote a book together. I'm comfortable with that idea.

My third Tattoo is a Blue Dragon. The Blue Dragon represents PDX and Northern Oregon. It's a magical oath that signifies the recognition that Portland and the surrounding area is my home and a place I intend to live for the rest of my life. While I have admittedly not visited many other countries, I have been all over the US and this is the one place that has always felt like home.

My fourth Tattoo is a pair of eyes and a phrase: From 0 to 1. It represents the year of emptiness work, my connection with my highest self and my vow to recognize and appreciate emptiness, instead of trying to fill it. From 0 to 1 also signifies the choice to manifest possibility into pro-activity, instead of reactivity.

All of these tattoos are powerful for me. They are something I can't remove, because even if I did remove them, something would be left. They are a record of my life, but also oaths I've taken. I've only realized that recently in a fully conscious way, but this recognition speaks mindfully to me of the choices I've made in my life.

A meditation on love

This morning I decided to meditate on love, and more specifically on a realization I had of a pattern of getting involved with people I showed interest in over the last couple of years who, in one form or another, didn't fully return the interest. This includes people I would actually have a romantic relationship with. This pattern is a variant of a pattern I used to have where I'd only get involved with people I knew would reject me. I did a Taoist dissolving technique and used the breath to lead me to the place where I felt the physical blockage, around my heart. I sat with the blockage, letting the breath go in and out, and around the blockage, gradually loosening up the feeling of tension in my body. As the tension dissipated, I let the emotions "talk" to me, show me really what the issue is. In this case, I saw myself restraining myself to fit into what I thought other people wanted. I could see this belt across my body. It fit uncomfortable and it was being used to constrain and restrain me.

I decided to undo the belt. I pulled it out of it's clasp, and slipped it off. Immediately my body seemed to relax. And I heard," It's more important to be you than to try and fit yourself to other people's expectations. Aren't you tired of trying to be something you aren't?

Good advice. I am tired of holding myself back...not letting myself be the passionate, intense person I can be. I've tried to stuff myself into a box, with my relationships, instead of being true with myself and recognizing when a relationship isn't a good fit for me. And in the process I've hurt myself and the person I was trying to be a fit for.

I took the belt off and realized that I'm ready to be done with relationships where I'm trying to fit into what that person wants. I'd rather be myself and be appreciated for that, without having to constrain myself. And sure I'm willing to collaborate with someone, to figure out how we can be positive influences in each other's lives, but I don't want to be afraid that I'm too much or too intense for someone.

I kept breathing in and out, and gradually came back to this moment, this space, yet different. I don't feel so tense...so constrained.

One reason Why I don't worship gods

I was playing Assassin's Creed 2 recently and there was a point in the game, where the protagonist makes a brief speech that really resonated with me. He said the famous line of the assassins: "Nothing is True, Everything is Permitted", but then went on to tell the people that it was more important to find your own truth than to follow someone else and that too many people allowed themselves to the follow the truth of someone else, instead of choosing to discover their own truths. He noted that you could learn from other people, but that ultimately in the end you had to discover your own truth and walk your own path. And that...that really resonates with me. And it always has. I remember when I was a teenager and for a brief time, a born again Christian, that the pastor of the church I attended saw I read fantasy books and told me that those books were sinful and that the content was only about sinful things. And I remember thinking how limited that perspective was, and how I couldn't endorse believing in a god that was so narrow and limited, and I realized that at some point I wouldn't be a Christian, because being one was antithetical to who I am: A person who is full of curiosity and who wants to walk his own path, instead of following someone else. I realized I could not follow the path of the Christian God, because it wasn't my path or truth, and it never would be.

Little wonder then when I discovered magic was real that I also found, for myself, the beginning of the path I walk to this day, one where I ask the question and find the answers, where ultimately it is up to me to save myself, as opposed to having someone else die for my supposed sins.

And my encounters with Pagans who have, in their own way, expressed a similar fanaticism, a belief that there is a one true way (tm) and that the god(s) are the purveyors of that truth only convinces me further that following the path of another ultimately, for me, leads to a place that isn't my truth. It may be the truth of those other people, but I find that when you hand over your authority to another being and let that being dictate your choices, at that point you also give away your truth and allow it to be subsumed to the truth of another being.

I can work with a god. I can respect it, but I just can't worship it. Some will call that pride. It is a fundamental recognition that nothing is true and everything is permitted and if that is the case, then it is permitted for me to walk my own path and find my own truth and be responsible for it. And there are consequences for making that choice, but there is also freedom and knowing in the end that I am walking my path, pursuing my truth and that when I encounter the gods or other beings they are guides with information that represents a perspective to help me appreciate the journey I am on, but that is all they need to be for me, and I can give them respect for that.

And to be fair, I do recognize that for many people having a relationship where they worship a god or gods is the truth that works for them and is meaningful to them...and so long as they can do that in a way where it doesn't negatively impact others, I wish them the best on their journey to their respective truths, but I see so much harm committed in the name of deities, in the choice to follow what someone else says. I see it, and I cannot help but think that if these people chose to be fully responsible for themselves, to stop following the words written in a book, or told to them by some person or entity, but instead to question everything and to choose their actions carefully because they could recognize that they and they alone were responsible for their actions, that perhaps they wouldn't be so inclined to harm others just to prove how much they worship a god or how well they follow the path another provides them.