Interpersonal Growth and the Magical Life

Your interpersonal growth goes hand in hand with your magical practice. If you aren’t growing and changing as a person then your magical practice will go stale. I share why you can’t settle for less in your life if you truly want to live a magical life.

Perspective exercises

I share some perspective exercises I like to do that can increase the mental flexibility and spiritual awareness you apply toward your magical practice and your life.

How to establish spiritual presence through Somatic posture work.

I’m reading Becoming a Supple Leopard by Kelly Starret and Glen Cordoza (affiliate link) in this book the author explores the fundamental movements needed to maintain good posture while moving. It brings up a relevant point that posture isn’t a static experience or condition, but rather something which is ongoing and ought to be maintained while moving. How does that translate into practical terms?

If I am exercising or lifting an object, I should do my best to maintain good posture. I want to pay attention to keeping my back straight and in a neutral position in order to optimize the performance of my body, while maintaining my health. I’ve been doing this very activity more mindfully as a result of my martial arts studies, but one aspect I think is worth considering is also the psychological and spiritual aspect of paying attention to posture.

When I sit or stand, in the past I have had the tendency to slouch. I never really thought about it until it was pointed out to me, but when I started paying attention I noticed not only how I felt physically but also how I felt emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Focusing on my posture altered my experience. I began to feel more confidence in myself as well as more connected to both my internal qi and the qi around me. What this illustrated for me was the importance of doing posture work to cultivate states of experience which elevate my identity and my interactions.

I also have noticed this same effect when I focus on my posture as I move. My movements are more confident and focused when I pay attention to and integrate good posture into the movement. Initially as I’ve done this work, I’ve had to really focus on getting my posture right, but as my consciousness integrates good posture into my stance and movements it becomes more and more of a natural part of my being and expression. The result is more confidence but also a deepening of my spiritual power and presence.

Why would good posture make a difference in one’s spiritual presence?

Good posture allows us to align our body physically and physiologically within ourselves but also our environment. On the emotional level it allows us to expand our presence and this translates over to the energetic and spiritual level. When I maintain good posture I move and show up with confidence and presence. This occurs on multiple levels.

What all this work with posture is demonstrating is that something we take for granted, such as posture, can play an important role on multiple levels of our being. Making the effort to work on your posture can have many benefits, provided you are willing to consistently do the work to change and then maintain correct posture in all situations.

Somatic dissolving through posture and movement

I recently picked up the book Become as Supple as a Leopard, which is fascinating book about posture. I’ve picked it up because I’m currently doing a lot of work with my posture in my Kung Fu and Qi Gong studies. I’m paying particular attention to how straight I stand and how I position my back when I am lifting something or otherwise bending over. This is a crucial detail that can effect your physical health and your overall well being.

I’m also continuing to focus on breathing, specifically doing a continuous in and out breath during qi gong, where I breathe in as I move my arms up and breathe out as I move my arms down. While doing this breathing I focus on my lungs and diaphragm, expanding my awareness to fully use the capacity of my organs and in the process dissolve blockages.

The blockages are dissolved by using your awareness. You become aware of the blockage and you place your awareness on it, so that the blockage is gradually dissolved. Your awareness is like a waterfall flowing around the blockage, making it softer and softer until it releases on all levels of your being. While you do this releasing work you can continue doing some type of qi gong practice. The practice I typically do is either Cloud Hands, Heaven and Earth or Gods Playing in the Clouds. Each of these practices brings you into somatic alignment with your body consciousness.

I also like to do this work with standing meditation. When you stand its important to focus your awareness on the alignment of your body with your posture. Your feet should be aligned with each other like two wheels of a car or a train and facing forward. You want arms to hang at your sides comfortable. You want to slightly squat with your hips and pelvic area so that you are “seated” in your posture. Then focus on breathing, drawing the breath in and releasing it out. As you breathe, scan your body with your awareness, starting at the top of your head and slowly going down your body. Keep in mind that the work your doing is a gradual release and it may feel like you are releasing a layer at a time.

Each release of a layer of a blockage also releases with it emotional and mental stresses that are embedded in the body. The human body retains memories of traumatic events and experiences and the best way to release those memories is through this kind of release work. You may not be consciously aware of how embedded the trauma is, but by doing this release work you can gradually loosen it and then dissolve it altogether.

You can do this work through both standing meditation and moving practices. The key is to focus on your breath and specifically on using your breath with standing and movement to help you go deeper and deeper into your body as you work to release the physical, emotional and mental blockages. Eventually you’ll reach a state of great calm and emptiness and you can fully relax into that experience allowing it to lead you to even deeper states of awareness and transcendence.

Deep Cleaning as a form of Release and Healing

Photo by Riya Kumari: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photograph-of-person-sweeping-the-floor-1433350/

Just this past weekend I decided to do a deep cleanse of my house. My roommate was moving out so I was going to need to clean anyway, and it gave me the perfect opportunity to do a physical deep clean of all the rooms of the house and in the process also do a deep clean on the emotional/mental and spiritual levels of the house and myself. I had previously done a deep clean in the fall and this process helped me realize that this should likely be a twice a year event.

I do a lot to keep my house clean normally, but a deep clean is different. With a deep clean what I'm doing is getting everything cleaned on every level. I'm also getting a work around as I move furniture around and so this process becomes a purification on the body level as well.

I also treat a deep clean as a cleansing of emotional and energetic residue that needs to be released. For me, this deep clean was about releasing the residue from 2022 that had been acquired through various experiences I had. Before I started cleaning I called to the spirit of the house and land and asked their blessing for the cleaning. Then I called on patron deities and asked their blessing because I'm cleaning this space as a devotional activity for them as well. Once the blessing is received, the cleaning becomes a work of service to the house and deities, as well as to inhabitants of the house.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 24: Transition

9-24-14 This is the last month of the movement working and its a bit odd to realize that because I've spent almost 2 years working with this particular element. I feel like I've only dug in a little ways to movement in all this work I've done, but I've not doubt that there will be more realizations and deeper worker to come and I feel that I have reached a place of balance with this work. I also feel that the Plutonian current I've been dealing with, the night of the dark soul, is receding. When you do this kind of work you become attuned to the currents of energy or spirit you're working with and what I feel is I'm in this place of transition, movement slowing into stillness.

I also started work with Chockmah today. What was interesting about that meditation was recognizing that Chockmah is the beginning of limitation, the initial formation of possibility becoming reality, contained in a very conceptual form that then impregnates Binah, which provides further limitations. Nonetheless I recognized how a biological imperative is placed on the tree, male leading into female which then begats the next layer of the tree and I wondered what it would like if the direction of manifestation went counter clockwise instead of clockwise. This inspired me to think about the quiploth and at some point I must do some research to see if there anything to that, but it also strikes me as a limitation of the tree, bound to a physicality that may or may not be accurate. Of course I also need to recognize the lens of what I'm reading and how that shapes this perception as well.

9-26-14 I'm coming to the conclusion that for the most part weekend intensives don't work, though it probably also doesn't help that my intensive is happening during Mabon, which automatically seems to draw people away, but even without that I've come to recognize a trend that indicates that its probably better to just do webinars and teleclasses with occasional appearances at festivals and bookstores. It's frustrating to figure all this out the hard way, but sometimes its how you learn. My problem here admittedly is that  don't really pay attention to holidays in general and so that hurt me with this particular weekend initiative.

On a different note I've been losing some weight and that makes me happy to actually see it happening, but it also makes me think about what I'll do to make it actually work down the line when I'm not dieting any further. In Ladder of Lights Gray discusses the Auphanim, which are the angelic order of Chockmah. According to him they are the mills of God, creating and sustaining cyclical patterns until a person doesn't need the pattern any more. I've been contemplating that all day, seeing it show up in multiple ways in my life, and thinking of how those patterns are broken down by the work a person does that necessarily involves learning how to end a pattern instead of stay in it.

10-02-14 I finished up working with Chockmah today. When I worked with Ratziel, he showed me his book, but told me there was nothing in there I didn't already know, if I was willing to do the work. And I agree with that, because I find that Chockmah makes a lot of sense to me. Chockmah is patterns within patterns forming into more patterns that convey concept into reality. I do find it very interesting that as I continue this climb up the ladder, I'm also coming to a close with the movement work and getting ready for stillness. Kether is, I think, an embodiment of stillness in its own right, with motion moving toward stillness, and eventually into motion again.

10-6-14 In working with the angelic order of Kether, the impressions I've experienced has been as Kether as the first impulse...yes is everything and nothing, but its also the motivation to do something, to become something distinct from everything else. And when you consider that Kether is ultimately a label to that effect, which describes a Sephiroth, it makes a lot of sense. Kether is that beginning movement of becoming, that initial urge to do something.

The last week has been pretty challenged and at one point Kat asked me what the lesson was and I realized it was that I'm feeling blocked. So I took the weekend off and didn't do anything related to work. Sometimes I think people are so focused on trying to move, trying to find a way to get past an obstacle, they forget the value of just stopping and doing something else or nothing at all. Certainly I'm one of those people.

10-7-14 I connected with Metatron today, who pointed out something significant to me. He explained that even Kether has its own limitation and that the tree itself is a form of limitation that presents a specific way of working with reality that fits the needs of the people utilizing it but also limits those people to that system and the limitations within it. And it's a good point to make...any given system has its own limitations which need to be recognized because at some point a person can and often does evolve past it.

10-8-14 I'm feeling restless and depressed lately. I think it's the fallout from the recent trip, so I'm doing my best to sit with the emotions and get clear on what I'm feeling and why. Perhaps part of it also is that I'm going to be 38 soon. I realize that and I look at my life and it just seems like so much of it has been a mess, which I've managed to get somewhat cleaned up. I know there's plenty of accomplishments there as well, but I think you only really start to come into your own when you've lived life a bit. My twenties were me learning something of what being an adult is about, and my thirties has really been about establishing an identity of who and what I am and do. I'm realizing that and it just hits me I'll be older than my parents when I was born and what I have to show for it...depends on how you look at it I guess, but I actually think I have a lot to show for it...if I'm willing to recognize it.

10-9-14 I finished up with the Ladder of Lights today. There was something in it that Gray wrote: "We neglect Nothing at our greatest cost, for it is the universal element, the ultimate thought, and the unique source of all energy." That's my experience with nothing. Nothing and yet everything all wrapped up on the razor edge of Zero. I hadn't read the Ladder of Lights in a long, long time, but its been good to re-read it and to experience it in a different manner which is more focused through the practice I created around it.

10-15-14 I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed I was interacting with the experience a person has with eating a Subway sandwich. It was pretty surreal, but it essentially opened my mind to some possibilities with pop culture magic that I'll explore in more depth in the book. The dream came about as a result of feeling a bit of anxiety over the fact that another person is presenting on the topic of pop culture magic. On the one hand, I'm glad someone else is doing presentations and on the other hand, there is a bit of possessiveness on my part and also the fear that what I plan to write will be obsolete, but the dream confirmed something for me and proved quite helpful in put that fear to rest. I realized that my own perspectives are unique enough and that other people presenting shows that pop culture magic is finally reaching that place of acceptance I'd always hoped for with it.

I also had an interesting experience with the Tibetan sound work I'm doing. I decided to do the chanting with the purpose of attuning the spirit cord to the chanting. I felt the astral version of the cord vibrate with the sound, attuning itself to the purpose of the sound and amplifying the effect. Further experimentation is warranted.

10-16-14 I'm feeling frustrated with myself. It feels likely lately I'm making all the wrong decisions or at least acting before I fully think things through. The intentions are good, but the results are less so. Ugh. I think I need to slow the fuck down, which is why it'll be good for me to take on stillness. Sometimes you get so caught up in the movement of life you don't do the necessary due diligence...there's no excuse for that.

10-21-14 Today is the last day of the movement work. I did my invocation of Eros and thanked him for all his help. I know I'll work with him again, especially because there is so much more to tap into with this particular element. I feel even, with 2 years in, I could spend much more time, but I'm also ready for Stillness and I know I will learn things about movement from Stillness. Actually when I think about Stillness, I recognize that I've been integrating stillness practices into my life for the better part of this last year. It's an interesting demonstration of how the elemental balancing work ends up blending together. Tomorrow I will do the ritual to set up stillness as the element to work with for this next year, in full.

Last night, I spoke with Kat about the elemental balancing ritual. I asked her if it was ever a burden for her, me doing this work, and she told me it wasn't...that she accepted it and understood its significance in my life and that she felt it had reverberations in her life as well, but that she welcomed them as part of being involved with me. It meant a lot to me, to hear that support for my spiritual work and the acceptance of just how important this balancing work is to what I'm doing overall. Having a partner who fully gets and supports this work and what it means not just to my personal development, but also the overall work I'm doing with magic is truly a blessing.

Happy birthday to me!

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 22: Balancing Act

7-24-14 The second day at Pathways, we took Bill Duvendack to lunch. Bill is a stand up guy, intelligent, and he shared some interesting insights on the international community. We also talked more about one of the books he's sending to Immanion, which I'm looking forward to editing myself. Afterwards I did some Tarot readings and then the manifesting wealth class, which was well received. We had a larger crowd that night then the previous one. Afterwards we went to dinner with River Higginbotham, who'd been kind enough to host us while in St. Louis. We had some good conversations around leadership and magic. He has some similar interests in space/time magic work, and also the Seth material.

On the 23rd, we arrived in Indianapolis. Actually we checked out the cahokia mounds. I'd never heard of them before. We walked among and wood henge. What I felt was a residual trace of the original people. After that we drove to Indianapolis and I arrived at Spiritual Gardens. At that shop there was one person there for the workshop and I put aside all expectations or anything else and gave a really good version of the Alchemy of Breath, which I'll use in the future. It also occurred to me that I should write a book on that topic specifically. I've written about breath work in Inner Alchemy, but this would be an expansion on what I wrote there. The person attending the class bouth three books and this is only significant for one reason, which I'll share shortly.

Kat and I took the bookstore owner and her son to dinner. It turns out that the patron of the owner and the store is Papa Legba, a loa of the crossroads. Kat and I do a lot of crossroads work, and I felt Legba's presence show up at dinner. The receipt for the meal, plus tip came out to the exact amount I was paid for the books, which I found interesting. The shop owner also told me that Legba likes people to be humble and I realized that the workshop at the bookstore and the dinner was part of encounter with Legba, a test of sorts. Kat and I ended up chatting for quite a while with the owner about the Indianapolis community and at some point Legba came through and the conversation shifted to changes in the owner's life. I feel we passed the test, but it made me appreciate how the movement we experience in life sometimes happens for very specific reasons that remind us of specific lesson we need to take into account. Certainly the entire experience here reminded me of the importance of being humble in the face of success, accepting it, but not letting it go to my head either.

7-26-14 I've been working with the Elohim, which are the angelic order for Netzach. They've shown up as multi-faceted beings with mirror like finishes that mediate specific forces and serve as middle men to connect those forces to people. They are also mirrors of the heart and soul of the person. Sometimes they've shown up with lots of eyes, offering a glimpse into something else.

I've also been at the 2nd international left hand path conference. There's been some good presentations on luciferianism, secret societies, magic etc. I've also been able to meet a couple of people I've long wanted to meet such as Laurelei Black and Michael Ford. I'm grateful for the opportunity to speak and be at this event, and to meet the various people here.

7-29-14 Home at last. The 2nd international left hand path conference was excellent, with lots of good presenters. The trip home was uneventful, but the time away made me realize how much I value my time at home, how much I value PDX. It's great to move and to see further movement resulting as a result, but it's also good to savor hat you have and appreciate the space you are in. I feel the transition to Stillness starting.

7-31-14 Today I was working with Netzach and specifically the Archangel for Netzach, who is known as Auriel or Hanael. A while back in an R.J. Stewart workshop, I had an encounter with a being named Hanael, so when I did my meditation today it was the same being and it was fascinating because in the workshop the focus wasn't on connecting with archangelic powers. According to Gray this archangel directs energy from the athletic to artistic fields...he focuses people into a specific direction. We discussed that quite a bit today, in relationship to some of the changes occurring in my life. It helps me understand some of those choices as well as the benefits. I'll be curious to see what further work with him will bring about.

8-4-2014 It's horrible to tell someone that s/he is a disappointment. I heard that phrase far too often in my childhood. It shut me down. It told me I wasn't good enough. To hear it uttered about someone else always triggers a reaction within me.

8-5-2014 I'm reading The Fruitful Darkness by Joan Halifax. It's an autobiography of sorts about her work with Buddhism and shamanic practices. She makes an interesting statement, where she says there can only be a harvest when a person yields. It makes me think about the movement work and my recognition that sometimes to move, you need to allow yourself to be moved. Today I felt moved to stop by and visit Kat during her break. I told her how much I love her, how much she has moved me, how much she has helped me connect with parts of myself I had frozen and locked away. I don't always find it easy to express such things, but I felt a need to tell her how much she means to me, how much she moves me. So I let myself by moved by how she moves me and spoke my feelings to her, told her how much she means to me and how much she has helped me grow as a person.

8-9-14 I've been feeling the transition to stillness even more lately. It's a subtle transition, but nonetheless I feel that movement is morphing into stillness in my deep work and I'm ready for it. At the same time I feel that Eros will continue to be part of this work, which makes sense as I continue to develop a relationship with him. I haven't written about him much because the relationship has always been subtle, yet nonetheless I have felt him at work in the various experiences I've had and am having.

I've also wrapped up my work with Netzach today. Hanael actually assigned an angel of the Elohim order to me to help me with some specific internal work I'm doing. That angel is holding up a mirror for me...that is its function and yet that function is helping me to see what I need to do to take the internal work deeper.

Something I've been thinking about is leadership and how a good leader recognizes that s/he has feet of clay, or in other words recognizes the flaws s/he has. I definitely have some flaws and have made some choices over the years that were harmful to myself and to other people in my life. I have and continue to work on those flaws with the recognition that this work is a continuous journey. I also know I haven't always been a good leader. I've made some questionable choices that I look back on now and regret making. However what I can do with those choices is learn from them and make sure that I make better choices in my life and work.

8-15-14 I've been working with Tiphareth. I connected with the Malakim, which are the angels of balance. They seemed more abstract than the previous angelic orders, and told me that they were because their focus was on balancing the other Sephiroth and making sure that the right energies balanced each other. Meditating on this helped me appreciate anew the balance between movement and stillness, but also balance in and of itself as a principle of the world. I think I will explore balance as an element after Stillness, if balance calls to me.

8-17-14 The last few days have been pretty tough. I had a situation occur where I was essentially told I wasn't trusted. I got the situation resolved, or at least as resolved as it can be, but to have someone you respect tell you that they don't trust you or that they trust you in theory, but not in practice really hurts. At the same time I suppose what it also indicates is what the real nature of the relationship is. It saddens me, because I realize that whatever the relationship is or may be, this situation has changed it on both ends.

8-20-14 My continued work with Tiphareth has been interesting because of how much more abstract its been and how quickly its gone through. It really is a Sephiroth of balance, with the focus really being on mediating and directing the various energies of the other Sephiroth. It has made me think, as I've worked with it, about how important balance really is and how even though I've integrated into elemental balancing ritual, I haven't really worked with Balance in and of itself.

I've also been feeling a bit depressed. Ironically I've been a bit more creative or maybe I've just focused on that creativity as a channel for what I'm feeling. Regardless it is good to get things done and I like that I've made some progress on a couple of projects that had been proceeding at a very slow speed of progress. I suppose what it really comes right down to is figuring out how to take anything and find a way to use it if you can, including depression.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 20: Regret

5-26-14: As I navigate the Pluto cycle of my chart and the dark night of the soul it brings with it, I find that what matters most is how I approach the challenge I'm facing and that what movement teaches me isn't just how to move around a situation or through it, but how to move with it, and through that movement find resolution. This last weekend I made a mistake. I had the best of intentions, but how I approached the situation created some discomfort for other people. What it made me aware of is how I can sometimes get so fixated in what's in front of me that I lose the big picture perspective. I move with that realization and I make it part of the movement of my life so that I can learn from the mistake and apply it proactively to my life and interactions as well.

5-28-14 The latest Dresden Files book, Skin Game, just came out and I'm eagerly reading it now. It's one of my favorite fantasy series, in part because  love the whole occult detective angle the author explores. If I ever get back to writing fiction I'd want to write an occult detective series myself, though I don't know if I could do quite so good as Butcher does. I'm also reading a book on magic that I'm not sure I'll review. I find myself fundamentally disagreeing with pretty much everything the author shares and I feel that there's a lot of distorted information being shared. On the other hand I also consider that ultimately the person is sharing their perspective and I don't have to agree with it. It's just rare for me to disagree so much with what someone shares.

5-30-14 I finished the book I disagreed and decided not to read any of the other books by the author. I'm not going to name the person, but I definitely will not read any further as it would be a waste of my time. I think this is the first time I've come across material where its clear to me the material is distorted and that whatever the person is connected to is something I shouldn't have anything else to do with. I've read books by people I personally don't like and still found value in the books they wrote, but this is something else altogether. It's rare for me to feel this way about something I've encountered, but there it is.

5-31-14 Yesterday I had a fairly deep, intense meditation where I was present with the stress in my body and I saw that a lot of it was brought about by regret and I could feel those regrets pressing on my mind, creating tension, holding me back. I promised myself I wouldn't have regrets and yet I have them. It's hard to really sit with that and yet also liberating. I've decided that I need to focus more on my dissolving work and spend some time digging into those regrets. I don't expect it to be easy, but I think it will be rewarding once I've been able to let go of them.

6-1-14 In a conversation with Kat, we discussed my feelings of regret. I realize that what I regret is that 9 years ago I made a lot of decisions based on reaction and on someone else's schedule. I made those choices, so I'm responsible for them, but I regret I made them because I didn't honor myself at all in doing so. I made decisions that changed the direction of my life and I did it for the wrong reasons. That's no one else's fault or responsibility. It's my responsibility, but what I take from that is just how important it is to never let someone else's schedule dictate my choices and also how important it is to make decisions by design instead of reaction. I've made the majority of my decisions in this life by reaction. I know that by looking at the history of my life. I suspect most people live in the same way, but over the last few years I've learned to apply design awareness to my choices. I've started asking myself what really informs that decision. And so Id like to think that I'm learning how to make decisions from a place of awareness that examines the consequences of the decision and allows me to map out what I could or should do before I make that decision. As for the regret...I'm allowing myself to fully acknowledge it, be present with it and recognize it for what it is. I haven't done that before now...I don't think I was ready to. Now I am and that will help a lot as I meditate on it.

I took a trip down memory lane today reading old issues of Razor Smile and Konton Magazines. I remember writing articles for both magazines in the mid 2000's. It's sad to me that the magazines have been replaced for the most part by blogs. I like blogging, but writing for those magazines and getting the magazines in the mail was an experience. I feel some nostalgia for those times. It was a period of time where lots of people were writing and sharing ideas, then after 2006 it all feel to the wayside.

6-5-14 Today when I meditated on regret, I ended up meditating about my earliest romantic experiences with women. I allowed myself to feel the regret, but also really paid attention to it and realized that all of my regret is about the relationships in my life with women. I don't have regrets about anything else other then the ph.d program. Everything is around those relationships and so I just sat with that and meditated on it, recognizing underneath the regret were feelings of emptiness, of trying to get filled, of trying to be accepted, of looking for something in the wrong place. How much have I defined my life by my relationships? A lot. More than I'm comfortable with. So much of my sense of self has come from trying to connect with women in my life, in part I think, because of how I've tried to resolve in my mind and heart, my earliest experiences with my step mom. I feel that much of my focus on connecting with women has really been about trying to heal a wound no one else can heal, to find acceptance only I can.

6-7-14 I find it relevant that the yesallwomen conversation is occurring now as I do my work around regret. It helps me to situate that work within the cultural aspects of the movement, highlighting to me how much my own feelings are conditioned in part by how men have treated women. I know I've sometimes been guilty of behavior that's been disrespectful to women and reading the accounts in yesallwomen calls that into account and provides me a chance to recognize that behavior and put it into context with the regret work I've been doing. Today Kat and I discussed that work. She asked me if I felt regret about being with her or about the choices we've made as a couple in respect to our relationship. A reasonable question to ask. I told her I don't felt regret about being with her or our choices, but instead feel that what I'm working through with the regrets I'm working with is another layer of conditioning, reactions, and feelings about women in my life and my life choices that have lead to me live a reactive life, for the majority of my life. I don't want to live such a life, and yet I find the only way to change it necessarily involves working with those reactions and emotions I haven't fully acknowledged or accepted in myself.

6-10-14 I've been watching West Wing on Netflix. In one episode a character discusses his addiction issues. He acknowledges that although he hasn't had a drink or taken pills in 6 years, he's still an addict and admits he doesn't thinking of taking one drink, he thinks of taking ten drinks. It was an interesting statement about the nature of addiction and it made me think about how addiction takes away the enjoyment of something: the enjoyment of a drink, the enjoyment of sex, the enjoyment of anything else. Addiction is something else, trying to forget something, to fill something up, to numb the pain. It eats as you because no matter what you do, its temporary at best. And even if you do nothing, its still there. The only way you can deal with it is to do the work and face whatever it is you are using the addiction to mask.

6-15-14 In Born for Love the author discusses chameleons. Chameleons in this case refers to people who are trying to belong and as such change themselves to fit whoever they are around. When I read that, it reminded me a lot of myself. I've been a chameleon at times. Around the time I was reading that chapter, I was meditating on regret and I had a really deep, long meditation and in that meditation I was told, "Stop trying to be everything for everyone." Then I was shown a bunch of different moments in my life when I had tried to be what other people had wanted. From my step mom to my mom, to friendships and romantic relationships, I've always tried to fit myself into what the other person wanted, often making myself miserable as a result. I've learning, in my marriage with Kat, how not to do that so much, how to assert myself more, but I see how this ties into regret, specifically because in trying to fit myself into what I thought other people wanted, I gave away my sense of authenticity, my awareness of what I wanted, submerging it in the interests of trying to be something else.

6-16-14 In how The Mighty Fall, the author makes a point that I think is significant to dealing with regret. He notes we aren't imprisoned by our circumstances, or our setbacks, or our history, or our mistakes. Instead we are freed by our choices, and what brings us freedom is the ability to learn from our mistakes, to make a choice where we come back from our setbacks. Never give up on yourself, never give up on the ability to prevail, the belief in yourself, and never give up on your core values. I feel this is relevant to regret, because I think that regret can sabotage your belief in yourself. When I meditated today on regret, I felt that same place in body where the tension is, and I went deep once again and I dissolved some of it, coming away with a realization of how regret is still an attempt to fill something up. Reading what I did today helped me recognize the strength that my core values have brought me over the years, especially in how I have not given up on achieving what it is important to me. Whatever regrets have come up, I have not allowed them to drag me down.

6-19-14 I'm visiting the ocean right now. Seems appropriate to do so when doing dissolving work. Today's meditation continued focusing on regret. I feel that the area in my torso where the emotion of regret is found is becoming less tense as I do this work. It doesn't feel as blocked and I feel as well that I'm able to let go of what I've been holding onto for so long. It seems to me that part of dealing with regret boils down to taking responsibility for what you regret. And what I mean by that is that feeling regret doesn't necessarily involve taking responsibility. Taking responsibility means you acknowledge why you feel the regret and why you are letting it move you. In my case, regret has moved me a lot in life and I recognize that in a way I previously hadn't. This dissolving work is just the first step in my work with regret, the first step toward taking responsibility for it so it doesn't move my life in the way it has in the past.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Month 19: Ebb and Flow

4-24-14 I decided to pick up the biography on Steve Jobs at the library. I was there to meet a business connection (who no showed) and while I was waiting I started reading it. Initial thoughts on reading it: It's sad how many people have felt abandoned in life, yet in his case he clearly had adoptive parents who game him the world. Nonetheless I see certain patterns in the character of his personality that are similar to what I discovered in Born to Love. It's a fascinating read. I admit that I occasionally do get fascinated with a particular person and learn about that person...usually someone who's really intelligent, who's gone their own way, and who's had some struggles. Not all that different from my life and I like seeing what other people, in their respective circumstances, did to get wherever they are/were. Usually the lessons I've learned boil down to a combination of going their own way, persevering in believing in their vision of the world (as opposed to buying into someone's else vision), and not being afraid to admit mistakes or change course as needed. Good lessons to remind myself of.

4-26-14 The more I read the biography about Jobs, the more fascinating I find him to be. He was clearly a driven person, but also a bit of a tyrant. He had a vision for the world and he wouldn't let anyone stop him, but he didn't know how to work well with most people. That seems to be true for most of the innovators of the world. Reading the biography does make me reflect on some of my personality traits. I'm not easy to work with either. I can be temperamental and I have very particular ideas about what I want to do and how to do it. That said, I wouldn't change any of it. To do something different calls for a different person who is willing to push the limits for the sake of the vision s/he has. Settling for less lessens a person who knows there can be better than what's already out there.

4-29-14 I finished reading the biography of Steve Jobs today. A fascinating book about someone who changed this world. A bit of irony here: I have never used Apple computers or products. There was always something about them I didn't like and reading the biography allowed me to figure out that it's that the computers feel very controlled. Jobs was a control freak and it showed in the computers and other products he developed. I suppose the relevance of this book as it relates to my spiritual work is that it makes me appreciate two things: How a person can move the world around him/her with a particular understanding of his/her focus and calling. And also the importance of continually being aware of how the shadow aspects of yourself can show up, as well as what do about them.

5-2-14 It's a tough day today. I've made some choices and those choices have had effects I didn't expect. It's not the end of the world, but it changes you...when you see yourself in a different way because of the consequences of your choices. The way you think of yourself also changes. What you thought you were, you no longer are and what you've become isn't what you wanted to be. I've referred, a few times, to the fact this is the dark night of the soul cycle in my astrological chart and this definitely fits that experience. The shadow side of that Plutonic energy showing up and presenting itself as a specter that effects your life. Yet somehow I'll continue on, because this doesn't really change that much for me...it just makes it more apparent and life continues on. I'm still here...can still do what I want to do, and knowing that I'll allow myself to feel this moment and everything it brings up and then use it to fuel my fire and continue on my journey.

5-3-14 You either move forward when you deal with a crisis event or you give up. So I'm moving forward with an eye toward how to solve the problem I'm dealing with. I've done some research and the silver lining in all of this is that it provides me an opportunity to work on some experiments. An experiment works better based on need than on curiosity, though both are useful enough.

5-8-14 The last few days I've re-examined my schedule and changed it around to make sure I'm exercising and meditating each day. I meditate almost every day, but occasionally I let my business schedule get in the way. Exercise has been more sporadic the last few months and I'm not happy about that. So I looked at my schedule and what I realized is that I just need to go in to each week with the understanding that no matter how much I have to do, self-care has to come first. So if I don't get to everything I was hoping to do, it's more important I exercise and meditate. I'm going to hold myself to that, and have done so for the last few days, which has helped immensely.

5-10-14 As part of my work with movement, I've decided to change my daily work a bit. I'm focusing more on the Taoist breathing techniques, but also doing daily cord work and have just added some work with the Sacred Heart technique. Each of these different techniques incorporates movement to one degree or another, even it if it is just awareness of the rhythm of a type of movement...and yet each of them also leads into stillness, and the profound awareness of stillness that I find lies hidden within movement. As I do each exercise I'm mindful of the movement, but also the stillness at the heart of the movement, and how both feed into each other, creating this awareness of the universe if we are willing to just be aware.

5-11-14 So much of how I felt in my life has involved a feeling of profound emptiness, painful emptiness, which I have tried to fill up a variety of ways, none of which ever worked. Eventually I learned to sit with my emptiness, to be present with it, to accept it as a part of my life instead of treating it as an enemy. I came to recognize nothing could ever fill it up, no person, no deity or god, nothing...and that there was no need to fill it up...instead I could simply be with it and come to a place of peace with it by accepting it as a natural part of being me. It's a part of my journey in this life.

Mother's day today. Mother's day is mixed for me. I have a mixed relationship with my mom. I have no relationship with my ex-step-mom and no wish for one. My experiences with mothers has been less then ideal really. Actually that's true of my experience with my parents period. In some ways we have a good relationships, but sometimes what I remember is how neglected and unloved and unwanted and unaccepted I felt.

5-15-14 In one of the meditations I've been doing, I've been interacting with what might be considered my Angel or higher self. I always encounter this being in a library, around a book stand which contains the book of my life. This being is filling out details of that book. We've been discussing this life and the possible variations of it and something he said today struck me profoundly. "No matter what you change about this life, what variation of it you explore, there will always be some part of you that is unsatisfied because until you learn how to accept what you have, there will always be a sense that something is missing" I've encountered variations of this before, but I'm a slow learner sometimes and I know there is truth to this, just as I also know that so much of what I've struggled with in my life has really involved that sense of emptiness and thinking that something else could feel it up. It's taking me a while to realize a simple truth: There is no variation, no ideal version, no change that will be perfect. That no matter what life you live there will be struggles and challenges and something missing and the question is do you focus on what's missing or do you focus on what you have. Now it can be useful to focus on what's missing as it can drive you to do some great things, but it can also drive you to do terrible things. Focusing on what you have, learning to accept it and be at peace with yourself is a hard struggle at times. What I heard today is a simple truth but getting that simple truth has taken and is taking a lot of work on my part.

5-16-14 Earlier this week Kat and I caught a cat that had come wandering around. It was surprisingly friendly and we planned on getting it fixed, until a friend pointed out it was pregnant. Then we started looking into no kill shelters, but it felt like a time bomb on our hands because it was pretty clear that the Cat was close to birthing. Today I finally found one and I took the cat in...While I was driving the cat started giving birth. Quite an experience and fortunately the shelter was still willing to take the cat and kittens in, but what a day. And while its seemingly not relevant to my magical journey, I found it awe inspiring to take part in this journey of life that as occurring.

5-20-14 A lot of the magical work I'm doing lately is transitional work from movement to stillness. Although it's only May and I won't switch until October, I'm nonetheless finding this theme of transition in play, which I think actually makes sense. It's really an exploration of the relationship movement and stillness have with each other. what's intriguing is how stillness generates movement, for I find when I do stillness work that it nonetheless creates movement and following that movement may not be very stilling, but it does lead to some interesting discoveries. And with movement itself, I'm also recognizing how it comes to an end at some time and then you transition to something else. Part of this work has been around the lunar and sublunar realm as well and coming to understand how the movement of life into death into life.

Something else I've been thinking about is the worst decision I've made in my life. Why have I been thinking about it? Because I recognize how much that decision changed me life, in ways I couldn't even begin to know until after it was made and how even though its been some time since I made that decision it's a decision that played a role in other decisions I made since. It makes me glad I'm less impulsive now, more focused on making decisions by design than out of reaction. It also makes me realize how careful I need to be when I make big decisions in my life, because of how things can play out. I know my life would be very different if I'd made a different decision 9 years ago. And you might wonder why I'm thinking about that decision? The truth is that I'm thinking about it so much because I'm finally processing it and the effect its had on me. It's taken me a long time, in part because so much has happened and because I'd been doing a lot of other internal work, but at some point you catch up and start to see things closer to where you are now. I look at that decision and I see how it's played a role in other decisions I've made in the last nine years and its kind of staggering. I don't want to dwell on this decision forever, but I need to make peace with the fact that I made it and also make peace with the consequences of it. And with all that said I need to learn from it, which I've done in some ways and in other ways I'm still learning.

5-21-14 Ebb and flow is the rhythm of movement. When you recognize ebb and flow in your life, in your business, etc., you learn not to take it so personally or worry about it. You become self-assured because you recognize it for what it is. You look at what you need to change, what actions to take, but you don't freak about it either because you know that the ebb and flow you're dealing with is something you can handle. You've handled it all your life. I'm recognizing the ebb and flow in my life, in the rhythms of movement, events, activities, and everything else along those lines and this makes it easier to plan for and to work with. I recognize my ebb and flow and accept it as part of the nature of my life, and as a result I'm working what I've got at any given time and making it matter where it counts most.

Work with instead of swimming against

Shauna Aura Knight recently posted a series of blog posts about her definition of magic. She'd written the posts because she's currently taking the process of magic course and one of the exercises involves students defining what their definition of magic is. I think her responses are very thoughtful and demonstrate the kind of engagement that's really important in understanding magic.  Here is her first entry, second entry, and third entry. A little while back I wrote something about magic, which is integral to this blog post, but also to my own definition of magic and how I think magic works, when it comes to practical applications of it: "The genuine experience of magic is something which changes you and your relationship to the universe. It’s not a result. It’s an ongoing relationship that informs how you experience the world and your place in it, as well as how you change it."

In her second post, Shauna makes several interesting points abut magic and why people do magic:

Some of our ancestors certainly spent a lot of effort making offerings (including the occasional human sacrifice) to appease the gods and shift the weather, or end a war. Do I think it works like that? Not really. I think that everyone stays a lot calmer when we feel like we’re doing something. We humans just don’t cope with the idea that the earth could shrug and we’re wiped out and we have no control over that. So I think in some cases, magic becomes an illusion of control.

and:

Magic works really well for changing myself. It works well for changing the consciousness of myself and others where I have that influence. But the more specific external physical results I want, the more I’m swimming upstream against the nature of physics. Or, the more physical work I’m going to need to do to take it beyond just my intention and my will.

and in part 3 she noted:

I think that, with magic, we want proof. We want flash. We want miracles.  And when we don’t get those, we wonder what magic is. When we see how magic works, it doesn’t seem very flashy…or, we realize how unimportant the flash really is.

All of these points she makes are good ones and again I'd suggest reading her entries in their entirety because it'll give you some food for thought about magic. I agree with Shauna that for so many people, what they want is proof that magic is real. They want Hollywood magic, but what they don't realize is that magic is a process and that it is subtle. The majority of magical work I've done has usually involved a build-up of actions and energy toward manifesting a possibility into reality. Rarely is it instantaneous, but the results happen when I need them to, because I've planned that into the working. And as I mentioned in a recent post on high magic, sometimes what we want is to feel connected and to also feel like we made a difference, even if how we're trying to make that difference is a symbolic gesture as opposed to real actions.

I do believe magic can generate physical results. However I think the way those physical results are generated has more to do with turning possibility into reality than anything else. When you think about it, turning possibility into reality is what practical seems to be about. Magic is stacking the deck in your favor, but for that to happen involves working with what's possible and selecting the possibility you want to manifest into reality. Some possibilities are easier than others to manifest. As Shauna notes, the more external physical results you want to generate, the more you swim upstream against the nature of physics (as we know it anyway). For example, if you want to throw a fireball, you're going to have change the laws of physics (or create some technology). If you want to telekinetically move an item, you've come got to come up with the energy to make it happen. And that energy isn't just changing the physical environment but also accessing the possibility of tossing a fireball or moving an item with your mind.

I prefer not to swim against the stream. I prefer to work with what's around me. Part of working with something involves learning about it. For example, if I'm going to work on the microbial level of my body, I'd better do some research into what that looks like, so that I at least have an idea of what I'm working with and how factor that into the magical work I'm doing. If I want to do a weather magic working, I'm going to research the weather system I'm in, so I understand the possibilities available.

I look at practical magic in terms of possibilities. What are the available possibilities? What are the variables that effect those possibilities? What can I work with to make the possibility to turn into reality? Viewed in this way magic isn't full of flash or glamour, but it works really well in terms of turning possibilities into reality. I work with what's around me, instead of swimming against it. I don't need to swim against anything to get what I want and I'm always in favor of creating the path of least resistance toward achieving my goals.

On a different note Lilith Dorsey interviewed me on her blog about divination.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 18: Design

3-22-14 I found a segment of Psychic TV the Black album on youtube. It's been way too long since I watched the video so it was a nice surprise to even see part of it. I used to have it on tape and then it got lost. Watching it always puts me into a creative flow mindset and that's what it got me into tonight. What as really interesting however was having several dialogues with people about concepts related to experimental magic and seeing those people embrace it, really embrace and accept the value of going outside of convention. I feel like with pop culture magic especially, but also space/time magic, these currents are coming more into their own as more people recognize the validity of them and want to apply them to their lives in meaningful ways. To see that happening, especially when it seemed like I was a lone voice for a long time is really gratifying. I'm not alone anymore. There are other people out there actively working with and interested in the same concepts and practices. 3-23-14 Something I've been doing with movement is calculating movement, or if you will planning it be design. I look at a possible movement I want to do and I explore the timeline of that movement, calculating what could happen, where the movement could go, and what factors would need to change. This has helped me recognize whether or not a given movement is wise or if I should let it go. It's also helped me understand whether a desired result is really worth the effort involved in moving toward it. I've been an impulsive person and still can be on occasion, but I'm learning to step back and consider the path before I actually set foot on it.

3-26-14 I've continued reading Born for Love. In the latest chapter I read the topic was on lies and consequences, which ultimately became a discussion about altruism in society. What it brought up for me was my own experiences as a child. I learned early on how to lie and how to lie in such a way that it would be very hard to tell if I was lying. I had to learn this skill early on because I found that when I told the truth I was punished. There was no motivation to be honest when no matter what I did I would be punished and penalized. Lying, on the other hand, at least delayed the consequences. It took a long time to undo this particular behavior and change it. And even now I find that it can be hard tell the truth, because there is always a feeling of fear, especially if I perceive someone as an authority in my life. Authority has always been the enemy, because authority has always been more interested in crushing me than actually helping me.

The key, as an adult, has been to realize I am the ultimate authority of my life and anyone else in my life may have a lace of importance, but I determine that importance. It's helped me work through the fear and become more honest as a result. On the other hand, learning those skills and surviving as I did in my early years taught me a shades of gray approach to life that I still draw on. I don't feel its bad to have that mentality and it has certainly helped me significantly, but with the people closest to me I want to continue to work toward being able to feel safe enough to be fully present with them. Another interesting point: "Altruism can survive in a population only if those who don't do their part aren't able to get away with it for long." So true. In networking, altruism works if everyone looks out for each other and actively works to help other people. The question I start with everyday is "Who can I help today?" That question defines my existence, defines my life and keeps me focused on helping other people. I know altruism has more benefits than a more selfish perspective does.

3-30-14 A lot has happened over the last few days and I'm only writing it here. Kenny Klein, a Pagan author and musician, was arrested and charged with 25 counts of Child Pornography on his computer, which he confessed was his. He also confessed that he had downloaded and shared the pornography. I didn't find out about this until someone asked me what Immanion Press's position on the matter was. I responded and later that day Storm and I decided to pull the one book he'd published with us from the line-up. We didn't feel we could continue to support someone who'd admitted guilt to such things. Some people have supported our decision while others have told us we're irresponsible or claimed we're doing it for PC reasons. It doesn't matter though. I know why I wanted the book pulled. Because it doesn't reflect the values of Immanion Press to support the work of an author who has done such deeds, but also because on a personal front, I know what it's like to be a victim of sexual abuse and I don't want to support someone who has caused harm to other people and contributes to causing additional harm to people. this whole incident has stirred some feelings up, but for the most part of I've focused on the community and the need all of us have to make sense of this and make meaningful change moving forward.

On a somewhat related front, I recently finished reading a chapter in Born to Love about sociopaths. What I found interesting was how the early years of life can contribute to sociopathic tendencies. In other words if you don't get the requisite love and attention you need you can end up with such tendencies. A sociopath treats other people like objects and can have addictive behavior to experiences that make them feel something. I don't feel that I'm a sociopath, but I could see how the neglect I experienced in my early childhood lead to me being distant with other people. Through the internal work I did and work I've done with Kat, I've become much closer to the people in my life, learning how to let them in and learning how to connect with them emotionally in ways I couldn't do before. It's taken a lot of work, but as I continue to undo the learned behaviors from my past and become closer I find myself forming more meaningful relationships with people as a result. The Klein situation does get me to think some of my past interactions at conventions and festivals. When I was in my 20's I didn't respect people's boundaries as well as I should have. Eventually it was pointed out to me, and I did a lot of work on my awareness of other peoples' boundaries, and on my own behavior and boundaries. I've really had to face myself and it hasn't always been easy, but I'm glad I have because I want to be a person who is good for myself and the people in my life.

4-3-14 It's interesting to observe how people respond to being challenged, myself included. I had a recent interaction with an another occult author on this blog and while it ended well, the initial response was heated. I resolved to be professional and I think I handled it well. I'm not invested in being right and I know I can learn and I'm willing, indeed driven, to learn. What drives me is curiosity. I want to learn and so I don't care if someone makes a point that involves me revising a position I've taken. If I'm so invested in that position that I'm not open to learning then I'm doing myself a disservice as a magician and spiritual seeker. Whereas if I'm open to learning what I can discover will surely help me improve myself as a person and improve what I love to do.

4-6-14 I think of movement in relationship to design as purposeful movement that is done to achieve specific results. This month has shown me that in a number of ways I hadn't expected, such as with the publishing work, but also with a lot of the activity I'm doing right now to set up events and classes for the summer and fall. A lot of movement is happening and a lot is happening in the background to make that movement possible. It's not spontaneous in the way some movement is, but rather is directed and focused movement that requires that everything is set up just so in order to effectively each the design. 4-8-14 I just finished watching the movie Jobs, while working on layout. I always find biographical films interesting, especially when its about someone who has a vision for changing the world and forces that vision through regardless of what other people try to do. Such people are different because they look at the world differently and see something that can be changed in a fundamental way. When I look at my own work, both the writing and the publishing of other peoples' writing, I can tell you that my motivation is to change the world, to change the communities I am a part of, to challenge the status quo. I think you have to have that motivation if you really want to bring change to a discipline you are involved in. You have to be willing to take a risk and do something differently because the potential result makes the change worth it. 4-10-14 Last night I attended a talk at ODN on leadership and how your leadership style is reflected by the people around you. It was an interesting that got me to thinking about how the conflicts I have with a person are reflective of the values each of us holds and how those values conflict with each other. It gives me some thought on how I can assess my interactions with people, in respect to values.

4-14-14 Back from an intense weekend workshop I did with R. J. Stewart about William Gray and Ronald Heaver. There's so much to say, but I'll start simple. An internal issue that came up as a result of the work was a recognition of how the need for approval has seeded itself in my life. I've addressed that issue on certain fronts, but spiritually, I haven't. It came up for me when I realized that William Gray the person probably wouldn't really approve of how I practice magic. Seems silly to worry about what a dead person would think of how I practice magic, but I'd built up this image of him in my head, and this weekend that got stripped away (which was good) and forced me to face this issue of approval.

Today, I meditated on the issue of approval and what I came away with is that it stems back to childhood, to wanting approval from my family and later on wanting approval from people I learned magic from. I even see this desire for approval coming out in some of my current interactions. So what does this tell me? That I need to work on that need and addressing it. Realistically I don't need approval from anyone, but I recognize this emotional need for what it is and how it shows up in my life. As for the weekend itself...I did experience a mini crisis of faith based off the perspective I had about Gray, but I came through it more connected to the spiritual lineages that my magical practice is part of. Kat helped me work through some of what I was feeling, but what helped the most was several encounters with Gray while doing the magical work this weekend. The first time, he just said, "Ok so now you know what a bastard I was. Are you really going to let that stop you? Get over it and decide: Do you want continue working with what I have to offer and deepen that work or do you want to go on you way?" Straight and to the point. I chose to go deeper, getting over what I felt about the person and focusing on the spiritual connection I know is there and choosing to deepen it.

When I told R. J. this, he told me that I should contact Jacobus Swart, who I am acquainted with, so I'll be doing that soon. Saturday night I did dream work and in that dream work I encountered William Gray again and we talked further about magic, the importance of internal work and why it needs to continue being integrated in magical practice, the importance of experimentation in magic and also about my calling in this world as it relates to magical work. He told me to get in touch with Jacobus and also urged me to continue working with R. J., while also continuing to develop my own practices. Afterwards I encountered a short, darkhaired woman, with a martial nature who talked with me about magical partnership and how each partner grounds the other and provides the basis for going into deeper magical work through consistent practice together (I suspect she was Bill's partner Roberta). Then on a field of Green, I encountered Ronald Heaver who briefly discussed stillness as a form of magical practice and told me to re-read the book about him when I switched over to stillness and call on him as an inner contact for that work. I felt that the connections with all three changed some internal magical structures for me.

There was a lot more that happened this weekend, but I'd say of what happened, that each practice served to deepen the connection to the respective lineages that William Gray and Ronald Heaver are part of and allowed me to integrate those lineages into my continued work.

4-15-14 Further meditation on approval today was quite instructive in allowing me to release the need for approval. As I dissolved the blockage around approval, I felt myself come to a place where I met with a younger version of myself and helped that younger version understand that he didn't need anyone's approval to do anything or to be praised for what he's done. The magical work we do is what matters...the fulfillment of my calling and purpose is what drives me. Everything else is temporary.

4-16-14 In my dream work and later meditation I was visited by Bill Gray and Bobbi his wife. They both spoke at some length on magical partnership and how important it is to have a firm foundation with your partner in order to effectively develop magical systems and/or traditions. I also felt a continued energetic exchange and a continued push toward some of the work I'm now looking at. It's interesting to me, that I'd decided to re-read The Ladder of Lights right before the workshop and now it seems more appropriate than ever to pick it up and work with it.

I'm also reading The Old Sod, which is a biography about Bill Gray. In reading about his early life, I see a lot of parallels with mine. Like me he grew with an interest in magic, pretty much from the get go and like me he grew up in an environment where he was mostly neglected. Seeing such parallels in his life doesn't surprise me...I think you can unfortunately find such parallels in the lives of many people. But what it does make me feel some sense of sadness and recognition that for so many people there really is no such thing as a family automatically. We find our own way and if we are lucky we find our way to people who become chosen family.

4-17-14 When I first got into occultism I had this naive idea that people in the magical community would somehow be more enlightened, open minded, and open to learning than other people. I eventually learned that occultists and pagans were like everybody else. Some people are open minded, some people are close minded, etc.. What really matters is that you find the people that are right for your life...It's something I've recognized about the company I keep now. The more internal work I do, the more I pay attention to my calling, the more I align myself with people who hold similar values. Ironically, I suppose, this serves to filter certain perspectives out, but then I figure that if I really want to seek those perspectives out I can do so without necessarily inviting people in, by finding the right cultural artifacts that represent those perspectives.

4-21-14 Last night I had a dream where I was given all these gifts, but I couldn't handle all of them, so most of them were taken back and I was told you are only given what you can handle. My meditations have also run around a similar theme of recognizing what  have and working with it. I don't think there's any particular reason for this message other than to recognize what I've got and to know that I can handle what I have in my life right now...which is actually a good message to receive. As I've thought about this month and the theme of design, I've thought about how the experiences I've had this month, in one form or another, have all shown how design manifests...it's not always my design, but there is a design in place and the movement that occurs runs in that design. I can work with that...I am working with that and it is something which makes me appreciative of movement and the context movement happens in.

4-22-14 Another dream last night, where I was directed to read The Sacred Cross by Anastacia Nutt and integrate it into my spiritual practice. When I was at the workshop a week and a half ago I felt very drawn to this book, so I picked it up. I usually don't feel so drawn to a book, but this one called to me...and unusually I'm reading it sooner than later, as most books I get go to the bottom of my to read pile. Kat told me that the day she met, she actually took the class on this material from Anastacia. We both found that to be an interesting synchronicity. I suppose it's just another layer of the design of movement showing up in my life.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Month 17: Presence

2-20-14 I flew out today to Convocation. Last night and this morning I was a bit emotional. I miss Kat. I've gotten used to having her with me at events like this and this is one of those rare times where that's not the case. I'll see her in a few days, but it does make me appreciate just how much she has come to mean to me. As for Convocation...I flew in and discovered that the hotel didn't have shuttle service, so I needed to get a cab, so I wasn't thrilled with that. However I was able to get here just in time for my workshop on Space/Time Magic and I did a decent presentation of it. I feel it could've been better, but I also had just gotten in, was hungry, and I made it work despite all that. The convention itself is low key. The people are friendly, and it's not nearly as overwhelming as Pantheacon can be. And Glasolya-Labolas is looking out for me, which I really appreciate. It's good to have a spirit ally to back you up.

2-22-14 Convocation has been a fun experience. I definitely plan to come back next year and present again. I've had lovely conversations with Shauna Aura Knight about Pagan Leadership and Ritual Sonics. It's always nice to find people you can geek out with about topics of mutual interest. And speaking of that I've also had the pleasure of meeting Corvus Nocturem and discussing publishing with him. He owns a small press as well and we both found a lot to talk about and may even team up to do so presentations on publishing together. I've felt Glasolya-Labolas's presence throughout this convention, and at different times have gotten intuitions to go somewhere or talk with someone. Each time it's proven helpful and I've felt that I'm coming away from this convention with some new friends and allies. There is movement here and I'm excited to be part of it. At the same time I miss Kat. I look forward to seeing her when I fly home and catch up in person. While I appreciate her in general, being away from her has helped me appreciate her more.

2-23-14 I'm getting ready to leave convocation. This convention has themes based around the tarot. The one for this year was Judgement, and it seemed really apt to me because of the fact that I'd be running into several people here where things went South with those people. Nothing happened here...we ignored each other than having brief exchanges, but I also felt that this convention helped me face myself as well. I participated in a ritual that Shauna put together. I actually ended up invoking the Earth element and being one of the people holding a mirror and telling people to go deep and face their shadows. And I faced some of mine as well. I've always been my harshest critic, but something I've learned over the years is how to stop judging myself and how to start working with myself and at this convention I felt that come into play, both in my interactions with other people and my interactions with myself. I want to make good choices in my life and part of doing that is choosing not to judge myself, but instead work with what's at hand and make a choice based off that in a way that doesn't judge me, but instead validates me and the life I choose to live. More of a proactive approach really, instead of reacting, which I think is really what judgement is about.

2-26-14 The choice not to move, not to take action, can be just as potent a form of movement as anything itself. I also feel it can be a declaration of choosing to be present with yourself. It's something I've been contemplating since I've gotten back from Convocation. I've also been thinking about the concept of the meta-processor, someone who processes multiple streams of information simultaneously. I'm a meta-processor, which is usually good, but I do feel a bit overwhelmed of late because my life is a bit too busy for my liking. It'll be slowing down soon, and this makes me appreciate that the speed of movement is not in and of itself always a good thing.

3-3-14 This last weekend I attended the Spirit Cord workshop. I shared most of my experiences in this post, but some of I decided to post here because of its relevance to my work. I feel that the cord work is very relevant to my current work with my very young self as a baby and pre-baby. I'm doing some intense internal work around those early memories and also I feel going through a cycle that prepares me for my 38th birthday when I move into Stillness and into the exact natal position my astrological chart was in when I was born. In the workshop R. J. mentioned that the cord goes through the center of the spindle of a person's natal chart. He also mentioned that the cord has correlations to the umbilical cord, which makes sense given the life and death aspects of the spirit cord. This is something I hope to explore in more depth down the line, as I work with my spirit cord further.

3-8-14 I've fallen off the wagon with exercise. I haven't been consistent about it at all. I know I need to do something about it, but I think I've been feeling so overwhelmed by all the various projects on my plate, I've just put it off. That's not good for me to do because it's taking an essential part of my life and putting on the shelf. So I acknowledge this and I know I need to get back on the wagon regardless of how much else I need to do.

3-12-14 In the last few days I've gotten back on the wagon and found to my pleasant surprise that my body has still stayed in the shape it was in overall despite some infrequent exercising. However, choosing to exercise regularly already makes me feel better. It's amazing how even getting back into a routine can make a difference about how you feel about yourself. It highlights to me just how important this activity is to my overall well being. No matter how busy I get I need to make sure I stay present with myself and with the movement that is best for me.

3-13-14 I'm heading off to Paganicon tomorrow. I'll be working with Glasolya-Labolas again and Kat will be with me, which I'm happy about. I feel like this month is passing in a blur of movement, as if everything is speeding up. I'm not sure if it's because of how much traveling I'm doing, or if it's just because of the work I'm doing with the element of movement. Either way movement is happening, in so many positive, wonderful ways.

3-17-14 I'm back from Paganicon. This entire month feels like its just flown by in a blur. It make me wonder if I've really been as present with it as I hoped. I did work with Glasolya-Labolas again and at this event I unexpectedly found a bunch of familiar faces, as well as the right encounters that needed to happen. Glasolya-Labolas is quite the diplomat and quite the coordinator of schedules. I look forward to working with him further and am quite impressed with his skills.

I feel like my understanding of movement is changing even further. There is always a rhythm to movement even if we don't always perceive it. I feel that rhythm at work and it shows up in both obvious and subtle ways. The obvious ways is all the traveling and the fact that both businesses seem to be taking off, but the less obvious ways show up in my interactions with specific people or how I experience a given day. Everything is moving and I am part of that movement, moved even as I move it.

3-18-14 Donald Michael Kraig is dead. I only met him a couple times and we never exchanged more than a hello. I read both of his books and found them to be helpful in my own practice. A lot of people were clearly touched by his death and made a response to it on their Facebook pages. Seeing that made me think that at some point all of us die. I know I will die some day. Hopefully it'll be a long time from now, but regardless of when it happens, I'll die and most people won't care, a few people may be happy at my demise, and some will feel sad and acknowledge that I had some type of effect on their life. I'll move from this life onto another life or the void, or whatever and life will go on without me.  Nothing is forever, but everything continues on. I hope Donald Michael Kraig is resting in peace and moving on to whatever next adventure finds it way to his path.

3-20-14 I dislike passive aggressiveness in people, myself included. I know I'm guilty of it on occasion, and I think most, if not all, people are. It's a way to mask how you feel about someone, to smile, but if you look closely at that smile, it's really a snarl. It's a way to pretend friendliness when what you really want to do is stab a knife in the person's back. However in the last few years, I've worked hard to get passive aggressive people out of my life and to make sure I'm not being that way, because why would I really want someone close to my life who pretends friendliness but wants to hurt me? I realize that doing this also extends to online mediums such as Facebook. I don't need people trying to impede my movement in life. I figure I do that enough for myself on occasion, so I'm really being present and asking myself why I'd really want to be connected with people I know wish me harm, no matter how much they act otherwise. Connection of any form lets such people in and says I condone your hostility toward me. Obviously I can't assume that I know the intentions of every person that comes into my life or makes a friend request on an online medium, but when I do know someone who has a history of being hostile toward me I also should know better then to allow that person any connection with me, because as soon as that person sees an opportunity, out comes the knife. I consider the lesson learned today, when it comes to online mediums. I need to honor my choice not to put up with behavior from people that I know is counter productive for me. I want the right connections, right people in my life and I won't find that with someone who wants to tear me down because of their own insecurities and issues.

Working with the Spirit Cord

This last weekend I attended a workshop run by R. J. Stewart, which focused on the Spirit Cord teachings. It was a profound experience for me...one where I felt that certain gaps in my magical education were filled in by the work we did. I've never done cord work before and hadn't found much in the ways of reference to it in the works I've read so I was really curious about what this workshop would be like and what I'd learn from it. I'd gotten a purple cord the week before at Jo Ann's and with that in hand I headed to the workshop. Originally Kat and I were both supposed to go, but she got sick, so I went alone, which felt a bit odd because she had introduced me to this kind of work, but as it turned out even that happened for a reason, as we learned later in the weekend.

The concept of a cord, as it applies to spiritual work, is that the cord can embody all the traditional magical tools, while being none of those tools. The cord is a flexible connection between each tool. I found this interesting, especially as it related to my work with William Gray's material, because Gray discusses how to really understand a given magical tool, it's important to actually take it within you and embody it, and as I learned this weekend the spirit cords works in a similar manner. R. J. explained that the cord is also representative of and connected to your spinal cord, so that in a sense what it really represents magically is a connection to your entire body and how your body process and works.

Another interesting correspondence that came up was that cords traditionally had 7 seven knots in them. 7 knots could be related to the traditional 7 planets in planetary magic, as well as the 7 stages of Alchemy. I suppose we could create a lot of correspondences actually, but I felt that those particular correspondences were significant as it relates to western sacromagical work. As I continue to work with the cord, I'll undoubtedly explore such connections but for the moment I'm going to focus more on just learning to work with it.

Another key aspect of the spirit cord is that it remembers for you. What this means is that the cord can be used to store energies, experiences, memories etc. I tried this out when I wore the cord while sleeping. I found that I vividly remembered a dream that was magical focused in a way that I might not have otherwise, and that as I wrote it down, I could touch the cord and remember what I needed to remember. The cord helps you access those memories and experiences and re-embody them. I also found it relevant to my ongoing work that the cord could be utilized for both stillness and movement and that it's linked to birth and death.

The physical version of your cord is actually representative of your astral cord (not the silver cord typically discussed in astral work). In the meditative work we did with the cord I found that several experiences occurred. First in just working with the cord and connecting it to the spinal column, I could feel how it could be used to raise or lower spiritual energy. Second in working with the cord, I also felt how it could also be used for attunement purposes. For example, in the workshop we did a working with the Faerie Realm where we asked if we could attune the energies of the Faerie Realm to the cord. In my case, Puck came and attuned the cord with Faerie Energy. On Sunday evening, I did a similar attunement with Dragon and On Monday I did the same with the other spirit beings I am working with. In each case, when they did the attunement I could feel the energy flow into the cord and into me.

We also did a working with an astral temple, where we found our Astral cord. My astral temple was on top of a dormant volcano, but the inner alter was in a place where there was a lake of lava. I had an interesting experience there. After I'd worked with the astral cord, this gigantic being came out of the lava and presented itself to me. It then touched my forehead with the tip of its finger and I felt this energy go through me. I asked what it was and it said "He (RJ Stewart) would know me as a Titan." He then told me that if I wanted to work further with it, I should return and seek another audience. On Monday I sought another audience, because I want to get further understanding of what had occurred and the Titan told me I could ask one question. So I asked How and when should I seek your aid? He seemed to like that I'd managed to make one question into two and told me that I'd know when to work with him when the situation called for it and that I'd be guided in how to work with him. He also told me that what I thought of as need differed greatly from what he thought of as need and suggested that I shouldn't call on him lightly. He touched my cord and then my forehead again and I felt a rush of energy go through me, attuning both me and the cord.

We did another working as well, with the Ashim, which are lunar angels. This working involved traveling up and down the gold and silver steps which are representative of the paths a soul takes when it goes to be born or goes to die. I didn't recall much of the experience., but I do remember my Angel showing me the pattern of my lives.

Kat told me, when I came back, that she felt that my energy was different...that my vibration had been raised. Now some of that could be temporary, but I felt that a genuine shift occurred and that continuing to do the cord work will continue to imprint it into me. I already integrated it into my daily work. And later that night when we did our weekly devotional work to Dragon he came through and told her that one reason she'd been sick was because I needed to go to that workshop alone, to show my commitment to the work and show that it wasn't a commitment to her, so much as a commitment to the work itself. And y'know there's something to that because when you get introduced to a specific type of magical work by someone, at some point you need to know why you are doing that work, who for, and what it really means to you. This weekend showed me that and moved me deeply as a result.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 16: Momentum

1-21-14 Last night Kat and I meditated and in my meditation I was asked: "How can you be present with another person, when you don't know how to be present with yourself?" Good question and as I meditated on it, I realize how much just being with myself can be a painful experience. This morning's meditation just seemed to confirm that there is this core part of me that feels such pain and hurt, and emptiness and longing and that just sitting with it, really being present with it is something I've spent my entire life avoiding. I think I can point to any number of whys, which is useful for resolution purposes, but even more than that just sitting with myself, really sitting with myself is something and being present is something I need to learn. I told Kat how I realized that for me, my life has always been about then ext person, project etc., and how that focus has always provided me a way to avoid just being present with myself, just feeling whatever it is I'm feeling.

In a related note, Erik, my astrologer had told me that my birthday, this year, would occur in the exact space that happened when I was initially born. I find this interesting and relevant, even to the work I'm doing now, because I feel that in exploring my earliest experiences in this life I'm actually allowing myself to figuratively explore the beginnings of this life and the experiences I've had. It was around this time of year that I was conceived and so I find it helpful to be exploring these issues now even as this year eventually comes to my birth date and allows me perhaps to experience a re-birth in the same space as will have occurred 38 years ago. I'm going to doing something special this year for that particular birthday, but I will just allow that to come to me as the time continues. For now I just need to focus on this work.

I'm continuing to read Born for Love and they talk quite a bit about the neurochemistry of bonding. I'm familiar with the neurochemistry, but as I read it, I consider my relationship with the particular neurotransmitters and map that relationship to my behaviors and I see patterns in ways I hadn't, which confirms the realizations I'm having right now about the drive and motivation behind many of my choices.

1-26-14 I've always been tightly wound as a person, in some ways. Kat observed that I don't do spontaneity so much as I do scheduled spontaneity and I think that's accurate. I can be spontaneous, but it's all scheduled in my mind. I've always been a person who lives in my head, and allowing myself to really feel, to really be present with what I'm feeling is something that still comes hard to me because of how wound tight I've been. I told Kat that for me being wound tight is a control mechanism, both in terms of not letting people in (or only letting them in so far) but also not letting me out. The problem with this control mechanism is that if you hit it in the right place it comes unwound pretty quick. So allowing myself to feel, to let go of control and be present is really good for me, and I did that today with Kat in a manner that did bring up an awareness of blockages in myself and allowed me to feel them. I still feel uncomfortable with them, but I'm not thinking about them...I'm actually feeling them.

1-28-14 I'm feeling pretty accomplished today. My latest book Manifesting Wealth is now available for sale and as always when I get a book published it feels really good to have it done and know its something else I can take off my project list. I'm looking forward to doing book release parties, something I haven't done in the past, but I'm open to trying. In other news one of my uncles may be dying. Not sure how I feel about it, mainly because I really don't know him. I don't have much contact with the majority of my family. I've always been considered an odd person and a black sheep, so I feel a it weird about it, but more from a sense of obligation than genuine feeling.

1-31-14 As I continue working with movement, what strikes me is how even little movements build momentum. The discrete actions, the choices you make all build momentum toward the movement you are enacting. You live with that movement, become it because of the choices you make and all of it builds up and flows to the outcome that's manifested as a result of building that momentum.

2-1-12 I'm continuing to read Born for Love. They talk about how the first year of a baby's life is the year where the baby is the most impressionable, and also just how selective the baby is about who takes care of it. The baby knows who the mom or dad is, but not really anyone else and isn't necessarily receptive to anyone else. Babies focus on what's familiar and safe and use that to gradually explore the world around them. Now I think about that in relationship to what I know about the first year of my life. I lived with my mom for most of it, but there was a fair amount of moving involved and a lot of stress in the environment. And toward the end of that year, I ended up with my dad and with whoever he was with at the time. There wasn't much in the way of familiarity in those environments and recognizing that and seeing how much that's hardwired into a baby really makes an impression on me about that stage in my life and its effect on my own behavior, my needs and wants. It's amazing to think that a year that you probably don't remember much of has such an effect on your life in a way that moves throughout the rest of your life, but clearly it does.

2-4-14 Further reading of Born to Love has proven quite insightful to understanding some of the neurochemical aspects of love and bonding, as well as what happens when a kid doesn't have those initial bonding experiences. What's really fascinating is that a lot of behaviors even as an adult can be linked back to this early period of your life.

2-5-14 In Born for Love, they describe a person who was raised in an orphanage, who didn't get a lot attention or bonding in her early years. What they describe sounds a lot like me: Physical contact can be anxiety provoking, needs to sleep in absolute darkness, doesn't like bright lights, prefers wearing clothes with soft fabrics, doesn't like to be touched and has had to devise cognitive and intellectual behavior strategies to figure out how to behave in different social situations. Everything described here fits me to a T. Up until relatively recently, I didn't like to cuddle or be held because I found it uncomfortable and felt like the other person was trying to smother me with touch. Even now I find it uncomfortable, but less so, to the point that I can cuddle for a while before I start to get uncomfortable. When I sleep at night I can't touch Kat at all if I want to sleep, though in this last year I've gotten to a point where I can lightly snooze in her arms. And even though I do hug people, it's a learned behavior, like so many of my other behaviors. I find social situations awkward and I've had to really study them to understand how and why to interact a certain way. In reading this book and realizing how much my very early years effected me, it really makes me understand a lot of my choices and interactions with people in a different light. I see how that early period of time, which was so unstable, created an unstable foundation for my life.

2-13-14 I attended a talk last night at one of my networking groups. The presenter discussed problem solving vs solution finding and made a point that what we focus is on is what we create. I've heard it before, but sometimes you need to hear messages like that again and it struck me deeply when I heard it. I asked myself if I was focusing on my problems or my strengths, focusing on fixing something or focusing on discovering possibilities and my answer is that I do a fair amount of both but also that it can get very easy to fixate on what isn't working in your life because the tendency people have is to focus on the problems...what isn't working as opposed to what is working. What isn't working shapes the narrative of our movement because we know what is wrong...but do we know what is right? Do we celebrate our strengths and let those create momentum for us? That's something I've been learning to do more and I see its effect in my business. I feel more confident and sure of myself this year than I ever have because I feel I know my strengths, know what I am capable of and how I can stretch myself further. And you know I realize that exercising has played a role in that discovery of my strengths, because as I become more physically fit and strong, I feel more confident about what I can do in general. Play to your strengths and let them move you.

2-18-14 I've just gotten back from Pantheacon and a lot has happened since I last updated this post. On the drive down, I got into an interesting conversation with Kat, where I told her that I realized I was comfortable and content with her. I don't think I've ever felt content or comfortable with other people before. As we talked, I explained that I realized that my understanding of what love is seems to be maturing. My relationship with her has been the longest stable relationship I've had. While we've had our occasional issues, overall we get along really well. Being in such a relationship is a bit strange for me. I have to admit I feel a bit scared because I'm in uncharted waters in this matter. Everything I've known has been volatile with ups and downs, with the initial chemistry of NRE and then that chemistry fading and not necessarily being replaced with anything. With Kat, it is being replaced with something steadier and more grounded. I like it, but I'm not used to it. There's a steady movement to this relationship, a momentum which grounds me even as it carries me forward. Later we also discussed spontaneity and affection and I explained that for me so much has been planned in my life because of trying to understand people. With her, I can give more of myself than I've ever given anyone else...I can relax and be at peace.

At the convention, I presented two workshops plus the publishing panel. All of them were well attended and people seemed to get a lot from the workshops. I think I would only change the titles of the workshops. What stood out to me about the workshops is how movement manifested during them. Before each workshop began I could feel nervous tension in myself. I'd move around a lot, make occasional funny comments and basically put myself into the space of becoming the presenter. Then I did the stillness chant and everyone joined in and it grounded me and set up the sacred space. Everyone got into it. Everyone felt it. And the workshops then were paced really well. I didn't get scattered (outlines helped) and I kept the workshop moving in the direction I wanted. On the drive home Kat told me that she felt I was really building momentum for myself and Immanion Press. I agree with her. I feel that the momentum is building up and it's something I've not really done in the past. But now that I'm approaching my writing and presenting in terms of building a brand identity I like what I'm seeing. There is movement and direction and I can work with that.

Elemental Balancing Ritual Movement Month 15: Drive

12-26-13: I'm reading Magician's End by Raymond Feist. He's one of my favorite fantasy authors, in part because he manages to offer some intriguing metaphysical considerations. Any case, in this book, at one point one of the characters encounters a lover who is long dead, which stirs up emotions for him and he remembers something said to him: "Feelings don't make sense, but they can drive us, and that's what you have to understand most of all. People will often do imponderable things because of how they feel, not because of what they think." I read that and I agree. People do what they do moreso because of the feelings that drive them than what they think. We can fool ourselves into believing we make choices for purely rational reasons, but the truth is we really don't. We make choices driven by our emotions and then rationalize those choices afterwards. I've always been a person driven by my emotions and I recognize that and accept it as part of being human. The choices I make are always informed by emotions and I know that consciously recognizing those emotions is important for really being in touch with movement, but also being in touch with what informs the motives for making a given choice.

12-29-13: As I've been meditating further on drive, I've been considering how different emotions drive people. Fear, hatred, love, happiness...all of these emotions drive people and others as well. There's no one emotion that drives everyone, and if anything I think it's usually a mixture of emotions and they change due to various situations. It makes me appreciate how important it is to be aware of your emotions, aware of what drives you and why it drives you. There's no right or wrong answer, but knowing what emotions are driving you can do a lot to help you move consciously instead of unconsciously.

1-1-2014: New Years is always a funny time for me. It feels liminal and yet it doesn't. For me the year starts and ends on my birthday. So it's a new year...and whatever that means. There's a sense of renewal and new movement, but its illusory. One month, one day, could be as good as any other to mark the change of a year. That said January 1st does mark the anniversary of Kat and I's marriage and we are married 3 years now. In February it'll be 4 years since we met.

1-6-14: The last couple of days have been heavy. Kat helped me with something that no one else has ever been able to help me with, that no one else has ever really been able to handle. She helped me with my emptiness. Deep down, when you really get into the deepest movement, the underlying motive for everything I do, it's all about the emptiness, all about that feeling at the center of my being, that gnawing, gaping emptiness, that cutting edge of zero bleeding me out. And while, in the last few years, I've come to a better place with it than I had before, it's still something that I live with. The other night Kat brought up a tough subject for both of us and as we discussed it at length, I ultimately pointed her to that feeling of emptiness and how much it drives me, how much tension there is in dealing with it, how much it hurts to feel it everyday. Later on we did a meditation around it and she helped me realize the origin of it.

Before I was even born, but when my mom was pregnant, she was going through a very hard period of life. She was depressed, and she had a virus, which actually ended up partially blinding her in one of her eyes. She was also dealing with my dad's philandering. Kat mentioned to me that an unborn fetus ends up soaking up a lot more than just the food the mom provides, but also the emotions, energy etc. I'm going to actually look up some of that information, because I think it could explain a lot about that feeling of emptiness. We also discussed my first memory, which is a memory where my mom gave me to my dad in an airport. I was about one and they were both angry at each other and I was crying a lot. I actually have a dream of that event where I vividly remember it. Kat thinks that also contributed to my feeling of emptiness and me trying to find ways to fill it up via love.

It's a lot to process, and yet I feel that what she pointed out makes a lot of sense. I have felt this sense of emptiness for as long as I can recall. I want to do some research on this, and I'll undoubtedly share what I discover, but Kat said something else I've taken to heart, which is that I can take this feeling of emptiness and make it into an ally that helps me connect with other people. She described some of her own work around that and I've seen it first hand. I know I can do this and I feel it is an integral part of my work with movement.

1-10-14 The other day, my friend Erik pointed something out to me that made sense when I heard it, but hearing it made me recognize it consciously. He said that I'm the type of person who has to agree to the boundaries that I have in my life. That if I don't have that agreement then I resist those boundaries. And he's right. I've never been one to accept other peoples' boundaries lightly. When I was a child and was told what I couldn't do, I went and did it. One of the reasons I'm self-employed is because I like to work on my own terms. I've always been driven by a need to establish my own boundaries and rules. And yet, in thinking about what Erik has said, I also realize that sometimes I have agreed to boundaries presented to me by other people. What's gotten that agreement to occur has really been more of a consensual agreement than anything else. We came to the agreement together. If we didn't come to the agreement together, then it was a boundary imposed on me and that's what I take issue with. I want to be brought in on any boundary I'm going to live with. This realization helps me recognize that drive for freedom and for consensual agreement as something essential to who I am and to my sense of happiness.

I told Kat today that I was ready to let her love me. That probably seems odd, but in some ways I've always kept a part of myself locked away from anyone, and not allowed that part to be open to being loved. That part is the emptiness and as such its not really a surprise that I've had such an antagonistic relationship with it. I'm not sure how to love or accept it, and I say that even after having worked with it extensively. I don't expect that Kat loving that part is the solution, but I feel it's part of the solution to making peace with that part of myself.

1-11-14 One of the things I've realized recently is how much a person's wounds can end up wounding someone else. You are wounded and you are living your life trying to work that wound out or acting it, and other people around you get wounded because of it. I know I have wounded people in my life with my wounds and I also know they have wounded me with their wounds. I suppose its just part of living life, but when you own your wounds and actively work on healing them and coming to some peace and resolution its good to let other people help you with it. You don't have to be alone with your wound or try to heal it on your own. For so long I've felt alone, but I realize that much of that loneliness has been self-imposed by myself. At the same time part of owning your wound is recognizing how you've wounded other people with it. I feel like I've recognized it multiple times, in all honesty, but that each time I've recognized it, I've developed a deeper understanding of the wound that I lacked before.

1-15-14 I've been doing some thinking about the neurotransmitters and hormones behind that feeling of emptiness I experience. I've been meaning to get back to that work for sometime, but this provides further motivation, because when I feel empty, I know what it feels like on a physiological level as well as an energetic level. And if I pay attention that feeling, then I can take appropriate actions, such as exercising, which does a lot to change the physiological experience in my body each time I exercise.

1-17-14 I've recently started doing a more intensive version of Tae Bo. I've alternated between the original Tae Bo exercise and the new one, but I'm noticing that the original exercise doesn't require the same amount of effort anymore. There is still some effort, but it comes pretty easy, whereas the other is a stretch, but is also starting to get a bit easier. At some point, I see myself phasing the original version out for the more intensive one and then adding another, even more intensive version to that one. There's momentum in all of that and I feel excited to have hit this place where I am feeling able to push myself harder and as a result doing more intensive exercise. Movement, once resistance is tipped, becomes much easier with the right momentum behind it.

I went to a Venus ritual conducted by my friend Erik Roth and a person he was co-leading the ritual. They did a good job with the ritual and explanations . At one point there was a pathworking to meet your inner Venus, your anima really. In my case, it was a tall, steely eyed, dominant woman, with dark hair a subtle, sensual strength to her, my inner woman, and I felt her engage me and tell me that I could draw on her support with the work I was doing around emptiness, but also in any other area of my life. I've always felt in touch with my feminine self, but meeting her in this way was really intriguing in its own right.

1-18-14 I'm reading Born for Love: Why Empathy is Endangered and Essential. The first chapter talks quite a bit about the way babies learn and the bonding experiences they have as babies with their mothers and how essential this bonding behavior is because of what it teaches children about love and empathy. And I realize, given what I know about my very early childhood that I didn't really receive the essential bonding I must have needed. I don't believe I was even with my mother by the time I was 1 and even if I was, from the stories I've been told it was a very chaotic period of life for her and I was a very unhappy baby at that time. And what does all that have to do with love and empathy? From what I can tell this early time is so essential that it plays a significant role in how a person handles love, gives love, etc., and also plays a role in how empathetic a person is. So I wonder then how this has or hasn't effected me. Certainly when I look at the emptiness and my relationship with love, I am struck by how much I am driven to find something to occupy or fill up that sense of emptiness and how my experiences with love have been less about being present with someone and more about filling that sense of emptiness. Being present seems to me to be more about feeling a sense of empathy and connection...wanting to know how the other person feels as opposed to just wanting something from the person. Being present is something I'm still figuring out, and truth to tell I think that if you have a well developed sense of empathy its easier to be present with yourself and consequently with other people as well. Still I'm willing to learn all this and I'm not backing away from the need for it. I'd like to think it could help me be a better person as a result.

1-20-14 I've been meditating a lot on what I read the other day and my reaction to it. I've come to the conclusion that I've never really been present with myself or any other person. When I look at my life in general, let alone relationships with other people, I'm struck by how I'm always focused on the next thing, person, projects, etc. as opposed to really being present with wherever I'm at and whoever I'm with.  To some degree, with Kat, I've learned to become more present, but even so I still find that I'm not really present with myself. Part of it definitely goes back to some of those early life experiences, but part of it also is something within western culture...we haven't been taught how to sit still with ourselves, how to just be. Each day, when I do Zhine meditation, I'm struck by how this meditation is probably one of the hardest for me because it involves just being as opposed to thinking or doing or anything else.

This month has been about drive and I think I've learned a lot about what drives me. I'd like to change what drives me though or learn to work with it differently than I have. I feel that the experiences I'm having as I work with the element of movement and navigate my astrological dark night of the soul are providing a path toward such work. I feel tumultuous and stormy, and yet I also see sunlight peeking through, realizations coming, and an inner sense of self emerging that has more clarity than I have previously ever had.